FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swinging Support and Advice > Are some Doms just bullies ?

Are some Doms just bullies ?

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

I met someone for lunch last week, he said he was Dom. I’m not particularly looking for that but he seemed an ok kind of guy.

During lunch he suddenly grabbed a handful of my hair and roughly pulled me towards him to kiss me. I think I was supposed to melt , i actually felt annoyed and like I’d gone back to Neanderthal times.

So are some guys who call themselves Doms actually covering up being a bully or abusive in their behaviour to others?

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

given some messages ive had on here, as well as posts ive seen in forums, there's a huge amount of men on here who are doing exactly that.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *rightonsteveMan over a year ago

Brighton - even Hove!

In my opinion, if they need to say they are, their view of what constitutes a dom might be different to your idea.

I’m wearing dom pants in my photo.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

It truly fucks me off when a first message says ‘call me sir’

Say what?

Yes I’m into bdsm, I make no secret..

But, it’s the product of long build ups, mutual trust, safety

There’s Dom’s, and then there’s just guys who wanna pull some hair and slap some ass and then brag about it to their makes cos they think they made someone submit..

They’ve got no idea

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Absolutely some of them are. Abusive and masquerading as Mr Grey types. Despicable.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I met someone for lunch last week, he said he was Dom. I’m not particularly looking for that but he seemed an ok kind of guy.

So are some guys who call themselves Doms actually covering up being a bully or abusive in their behaviour to others? "

Perhaps he just thought it was a passionate clinch...

Did you tell him you didn't like it?

Perhaps you should have...I know if tell someone to stop if I didn't like what they were doing.

Unfortunately there are a lot of 'want to be Dominants' on here... thinking that spanking, tying you up,and hard fucking rings true of being one which is a long long way from what it is actually all about.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Guys get this so wrong it's scary, I've always classed my self as assertive. Hate the word Dom, it's like a power trip for someone and can do the woman so much harm mentally. I love to get into someone's mind but it needs to be done right, and the trust needs to be there both ways.

And for calling people sir defo a time

And a place for that

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Guys get this so wrong it's scary, I've always classed my self as assertive. Hate the word Dom, it's like a power trip for someone and can do the woman so much harm mentally. I love to get into someone's mind but it needs to be done right, and the trust needs to be there both ways.

And for calling people sir defo a time

And a place for that

Hang on, how does it do the woman so much harm?

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *BWandhusbandCouple over a year ago

Midlands

"I met someone for lunch last week, he said he was Dom. I’m not particularly looking for that but he seemed an ok kind of guy.

So are some guys who call themselves Doms actually covering up being a bully or abusive in their behaviour to others? "

The exact same thing happened to me. I wasn't impressed as we were just sat there chatting. I spent a couple of days with this guy as he'd come for the weekend. In the end I had to tell him I didn't like his forcefullness and he toned it right down. I felt like he called himself a dom just to be aggressive towards women. Never saw him again until he appeared on a TV show about six years later. He came across as a twat on there too.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Real doms, absolutely not. Far from it.

Tryers who think that fifty shades of dull bullshit is a helpful guide and don’t bother to understand the necessary dynamic; yes, often selfish, boring bullies.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Absolutely some of them are. Abusive and masquerading as Mr Grey types. Despicable. "

I totally agree

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

From our experience and messages we had in the past they seem to think they are of a superior being lol

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

In a date environment when establishing a rapport that is absolutely never the thing to do

Once a rapport and trust is sorted, and boundaries agreed then there is a true sexual chemistry made by being assertive

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *tace 309TV/TS over a year ago

durham

I have to laugh at some so called Dom guys on here .they are pretty clueless . for any sub/ Dom relationship to work there has to be trust on both sides .its not all about ordering someone about and hitting them just because it feels good to the Dom . an awful lot need to join the correct fetish bdsm scene . go to munches ,clubs ,workshops and events .learn the true bdsm dynamics .50 shades was,a comedy so dont go down that road .true bdsm is not for everyone .

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *inful xWoman over a year ago

In a sleepy little village

"I met someone for lunch last week, he said he was Dom. I’m not particularly looking for that but he seemed an ok kind of guy.

So are some guys who call themselves Doms actually covering up being a bully or abusive in their behaviour to others? "

I would of grabbed him back by his balls and given them a good twist !

A fair few on here are nothing more than bullies. If a guy tells me he's a dom I just stop all conversation as I know we wouldn't play well together

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *inksandgCouple over a year ago

Birmingham

We live sub dom but switch so both know how it feels on receiving end!!

It's not all about sex, it's about being teased and as the sub being able earn rewards for good behaviour.

I don't think you can truly dom someone you don't realy know as you have to know how their head works aswell as all the other bits!!

We only ever have assistants and one if us is always the one who calls the shots and is in charge.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Yes alot of men on fab who think they are dom are bullies and watched too much porn .

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I think a lot of the so called 'doms' on here are just misogynistic bullies with a large dose of arrogance thrown in..

Its laughable tbh

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

It's all about respect without that it's pointless

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

To the OP, reading your post again, it actually seems tobme like you were assaulted during your lunch. Proper sub Dom interaction involves negotiation and consent it is not sprung like that in a first meeting

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Yes alot of men on fab who think they are dom are bullies and watched too much porn .

Porn has a lot to answer for in my opinion

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *icentiousCouple over a year ago

Up on them there hills

I subscribe to the thought that if two lovers, a lumberjack and an ornithologist walked into a world they would be focusing on what the woods mean to me.

It isn’t my nominalisation of the process of Dom, however I might be coming at it as a lover not a lumberjack.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *icentiousCouple over a year ago

Up on them there hills

"I subscribe to the thought that if two lovers, a lumberjack and an ornithologist walked into a world they would be focusing on what the woods mean to me.

It isn’t my nominalisation of the process of Dom, however I might be coming at it as a lover not a lumberjack.

Wood not world, (Too tired to delete and re type).

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *icentiousCouple over a year ago

Up on them there hills

[Removed by poster at 26/03/18 20:25:21]

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *icentiousCouple over a year ago

Up on them there hills

[Removed by poster at 26/03/18 20:25:02]

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *icentiousCouple over a year ago

Up on them there hills

"I subscribe to the thought that if two lovers, a lumberjack and an ornithologist walked into a world they would be focusing on what the woods mean to me.

It isn’t my nominalisation of the process of Dom, however I might be coming at it as a lover not a lumberjack.

Wood not world, (Too tired to delete and re type)."

And them not me... damn thank goodness the is some holiday time.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I met someone for lunch last week, he said he was Dom. I’m not particularly looking for that but he seemed an ok kind of guy.

So are some guys who call themselves Doms actually covering up being a bully or abusive in their behaviour to others? "

he was just wrong ..............even if you did like it theres a time and a place .

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Abdolutely.. Some guys just have no clue what so ever about being a Dom... Rough hard sex does not equal a dom\sub dynamic. An outstanding Dom knows its all about trust, respect and safety whilst enabling you to push your own boundaries. I can role play the most depraved fucked up degrading shit and know its always role play however dark we take things.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Yes alot of men on fab who think they are dom are bullies and watched too much porn .

Porn has a lot to answer for in my opinion

Yes i agree .

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ownhouseTwosomeCouple over a year ago

Birkenhead/Liverpool

There's an awful lot of men (and women) on Fab who play at being into BDSM and called themselves Domly types. They wouldn't know one end of a cane from the other. Most have never been to a BDSM event and seen real life scenarios and take their education from shitty movies and all of a sudden they are Christian Grey...who, by the way, is the worst Dominant role model EVER!!!!!

If someone were to grab my hair like that, I'd punch them! It's assault and I'd assault him back and see how he liked it.

A real male Dominant would NEVER do that and he should be ashamed of himself for his lame attempt at Topping and go back to being what he really is and call it for what it is... a bully.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Being dominant in the bedroom and being a Dom are 2 completely different things, a Dom will get into your mind before he gets into your knickers, make you tremble and want him just by the sound of his voice! These "Dom" guys really need to do their research

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"There's an awful lot of men (and women) on Fab who play at being into BDSM and called themselves Domly types. They wouldn't know one end of a cane from the other. Most have never been to a BDSM event and seen real life scenarios and take their education from shitty movies and all of a sudden they are Christian Grey...who, by the way, is the worst Dominant role model EVER!!!!!

If someone were to grab my hair like that, I'd punch them! It's assault and I'd assault him back and see how he liked it

A real male Dominant would NEVER do that and he should be ashamed of himself for his lame attempt at Topping and go back to being what he really is and call it for what it is... a bully. "

Absolutely spot on! Love this

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *bsinthe_boyMan over a year ago

Luton

If someone were to grab my hair like that, I'd punch them! It's assault and I'd assault him back and see how he liked it.

A real male Dominant would NEVER do that and he should be ashamed of himself for his lame attempt at Topping and go back to being what he really is and call it for what it is... a bully. "

Bully, abuser, clueless "dim dom"....wannabe Dom....

Those books and films have had the positive effect of helping many people try new sensations that they might not otherwise have explored. However, the downside is that some of these people see the relationship between Christian and Anna as how BDSM is done. The story is not representative of how responsible people do BDSM or D/s, and is actually abusive and non-consensual much of the time.

Even before Christian Grey, there were people (mostly men) who couldn't grasp that being a Dom isn't simply about hitting a woman, or throwing her about a bit.

There are many styles of Dom, and many ways of domming someone. There are many differences between a Dom and a bully. OP met a clueless bully. Definitely not a Dom.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *einineWoman over a year ago

Florida. You know. In America.

Every time a new Fifty Shades movie comes out, my inbox overfloweth with Mr. Grey wannabes

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Every time a new Fifty Shades movie comes out, my inbox overfloweth with Mr. Grey wannabes

Lol mine too hilarious .

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I had a previous relationship with a man who said he was dom....took me 4 years to realise I was being bullied. The things I put up with make me now cringe.

I now have a wonderful partner who is completely different. Equal in every way and puts me first in all ways. I wasted so much time. No excuses, I just didn't see it. More fool me but that's history and now so happy. Sue xx

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ownhouseTwosomeCouple over a year ago

Birkenhead/Liverpool

If someone were to grab my hair like that, I'd punch them! It's assault and I'd assault him back and see how he liked it.

A real male Dominant would NEVER do that and he should be ashamed of himself for his lame attempt at Topping and go back to being what he really is and call it for what it is... a bully.

Bully, abuser, clueless "dim dom"....wannabe Dom....

Even before Christian Grey, there were people (mostly men) who couldn't grasp that being a Dom isn't simply about hitting a woman, or throwing her about a bit.

There are many styles of Dom, and many ways of domming someone. There are many differences between a Dom and a bully. OP met a clueless bully. Definitely not a Dom. "

Yeh, that's what I said. Not sure why you quoted me!!! lol

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *asilForty77Man over a year ago

a hundred and sixty of us living in a small shoebox in the middle of the road

And for calling people sir defo a time

And a place for that

spot on

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Yes. I try to steer clear of those ones; they usually want to put very big things inside me.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *egasus NobMan over a year ago

London

A guy that introduce himself as Dorm OK!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ollyGWoman over a year ago

Southampton

I met a Dom from here and he was totally respectful, we met a few times, always asked if I was ok with the situation and always had downtime where we just chatted, it was nice. pulling my hair or grabbing me in public would result in a black eye!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *egasus NobMan over a year ago

London

"I met a Dom from here and he was totally respectful, we met a few times, always asked if I was ok with the situation and always had downtime where we just chatted, it was nice. pulling my hair or grabbing me in public would result in a black eye!"

Except if that is what you like and turn both of you on.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *hubaysiWoman over a year ago

Leeds

"To the OP, reading your post again, it actually seems tobme like you were assaulted during your lunch. Proper sub Dom interaction involves negotiation and consent it is not sprung like that in a first meeting

I thought this too! It’s definitely assault!

My understanding is that Dom/sub agree on everything, nothing should be sprung like that with no prior consent. He was a bully!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ollyGWoman over a year ago

Southampton

Except if that is what you like and turn both of you on."

Quite obviously I don't by my post!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *bsinthe_boyMan over a year ago

Luton

Yeh, that's what I said. Not sure why you quoted me!!! lol

I felt that what I wanted to say followed on from what you had already said.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ineMan over a year ago

In cave behind a waterfall on a hill

Communication is the key...

And a whole lot of trust...

But then too many seem to think 50 shades of crap is the way to go...

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Def not a Dom .. a genuine dom would not behave that way .. so many wannabes who think being dom is about being rough and treating a woman with disrespect ..and just believe that because she is inexperienced she will think it’s how it should be ! my master and I always chat about everything have clear defined limits that are always Discussed and changed as we both see fit and he understands that a sub has to want to give him the control in order for him to take it .. I would suggest to anyone seeking out a d/s relationship to research it thoroughly and chat to lots of doms and subs .. most doms are friendly and happy to offer advice and guidance without feeling the need to jump into your knickers ! If they are seeking a sub they will be happy to take their time to get to know you and what makes you tick .. in order to develop a good dynamic that’s suits both .. d/s is about so much more than just sex xx

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *etsjusthavefun99Man over a year ago

Cardiff

How can you possibly dom a woman properly if you dont know her intimately and without communication? In a club maybe but in a restaurant on the first meet!!

My view has always been that any true dominant knows that the power in any sub/dom relationship is truly with the sub.

This guy sounds like an arse.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *icecouple561Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

East Sussex

"I met someone for lunch last week, he said he was Dom. I’m not particularly looking for that but he seemed an ok kind of guy.

So are some guys who call themselves Doms actually covering up being a bully or abusive in their behaviour to others? "

Yes. So are some women.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ed LipstickWoman over a year ago

Fucksville

Yes, I met a self proclaimed Dom off here. But he was a sadist and not a Dom x

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ommenhimCouple over a year ago

wigan

And for calling people sir defo a time

And a place for that

What’s your experience of guys getting it wrong? What does assertive mean to you? What moniker do you suggest for someone who is dominant? ... etc?!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I honestly blame 50 shades.... and th ladies who flocked to watch it and giggle with glee at the idea and to the men who think it's ok to be rough with women as described by the OPs experience and a miriad of others on here. It is pure bullying and wannabes who want recognition.

As was said earlier by someone, a dom doesn't need to advertise others recognise the commanding presence they will have without saying much...and it's not about physical strength. They are also someone who is very in tune with their gentle soft side, very loving.

Just too many wannabes out there which rightly make a lot weary. This isn't a bad thing all the same as it means less will be 'hurt' by the masses.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ommenhimCouple over a year ago

wigan

Same old tripe ‘true’ dom, dim dom, not doing it right... the guy from the OP clearly did something the OP thought wrong.... maybe his action was developed by years of so called subs wanting it, later fantasising saying “wish you had...” whenever the subject comes up it’s youre doing it wrong! Everyone is!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

To my mind a 'dom' is a gentleman before all else.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *icecouple561Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

East Sussex

"Same old tripe ‘true’ dom, dim dom, not doing it right... the guy from the OP clearly did something the OP thought wrong.... maybe his action was developed by years of so called subs wanting it, later fantasising saying “wish you had...” whenever the subject comes up it’s youre doing it wrong! Everyone is! "

An experienced guy would know not to assume that all subs are the same.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *azmar62Couple over a year ago

Hinckley

A good looking chap we met one day said he was a Dom, he said he would be gentle, so we agreed to meet in at ours? He arrived, he was arrogant with a kind of swagger, I let it pass, after about twenty mins, he started stroking my girls leg, she responded, but then it all changed in a split second, all of a sudden he turned from jeckle into Hyde? Within moments of this assault I got his arm behind his back, opened the door and threw him into the street. There’s Dom, and then there’s assault? This was clearly the latter. Won’t be doing that again any time soon.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I think a lot of the so called 'doms' on here are just misogynistic bullies with a large dose of arrogance thrown in..

Its laughable tbh"

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *rontier PsychiatristMan over a year ago

Coventry

I think good feel and a huge amount of emotional intelligence goes along way. You can't go from 0-60 just like that. There is an atmosphere/security you build with someone. Sometimes over some time, sometimes it's there from the start. Every dynamic is different. The critical value is that ability is being both foster that feeling with that individual and knowing when it is there (or not as the case maybe). Some people have that emotional intelligence, respect and personallity, some dont. Submission and/or authority to play is something willingly given over by the other person not something that is taken by force.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

An experienced guy would know not to assume that all subs are the same."

Exactly. What happened with the OP was simply abuse. Just because they are both on fab did give the guy the license to physically do that to her. How would that be viewed if someone came up and did that to a lady in the street?

As been said a Dom is a gentleman first. It's all about care and respect for the other.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I had a previous relationship with a man who said he was dom....took me 4 years to realise I was being bullied. The things I put up with make me now cringe.

Raises hand and offers a cyber hug. My "fauxlationship" was with a narcissist who used 'domination' to abuse.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *agermeisterMan over a year ago

Leeds

A lot of macho alpha chimps think they're 'natural' Doms.

They are the opposite.

A good Dom is caring, considerate, serving, self controlled, intuitive.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *emini ManMan over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

Unfortunately the guy the OP met, and the many others like him, are the downside of BDSM having become more mainstream and accepted as a result of initially the internet and latterly "that" series of books and the myriad copycats that followed.

Too many people still see BDSM and D/s as the "whips and chains" thing touted by the media going back years, and now deemed acceptable as a result of the things mentioned above, and those same people don't take the time to truly understand the dynamic and how it works - think ordering a flogger or other "equipment" freely and easily from the likes of Lovehoney and Bondara etc turns them into instant Dom/mes or submissives overnight.

Sadly it applies just as much to those calling themselves Dominant as those calling themselves submissive too (although interestingly it's rare to find a Domme who is abusive in the same way as those ignorant Doms can be).

The ignorant Dom phenomenon has been well covered in this thread, but the other side of that is the submissives who don't take the time to properly understand the dynamic, who have maybe read one of those books, or seen BDSM porn (of which there are many examples of how NOT to do it) and think that's what they want and blindly accept the type of thing the ignorant Doms being discussed here expect, and that in itself is just as dangerous as the ignorance of those on the other side of the coin.

Of course there is a positive side to BDSM becoming more openly known about and accepted for those that take the time to know and understand it. Until the late 90s and the dawn of the internet, I was of the "whips and chains" understanding and sniggered along with everyone else, until something happened that lit a bulb in my head and set me on a path of discovery and understanding that resonated with feelings I'd had, but not understood, for many many years. Now I'm not the most experienced or ardent practitioner but I now understand myself and BDSM a lot better than I did 20 years ago and that probably wouldn't have happened without the internet and other factors that opened my eyes to my submissive side, so for that I personally am thankful.

My advice to anyone that is interested in BDSM, whether they be dominant or submissive is to read, read and read some more, get along to munches and other related events, be willing to learn and listen, take things slowly, very slowly and never make any assumptions about anything or anyone.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Being dominant in the bedroom and being a Dom are 2 completely different things, a Dom will get into your mind before he gets into your knickers, make you tremble and want him just by the sound of his voice! These "Dom" guys really need to do their research

I totally agree!! My Dom captured my mind before he even touched me ... we have trust and respect, daily tasks fill the times we are apart ... and the rewards for pleasing him are mindblowing!!! A happy fulfilled Dom/sub relationship!!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

We have often chatted about meeting a true Master/Dom to experiment in safe hands, as it were.

But there are far too many risks in picking the wrong sort of person.

So it remains a fantasy for now.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Unless it’s agreed or in a role play situation then what he’s done is assault....was he a mob boss or something!!

It’s about building up trust, being forceful through words, eye contact, gaining your trust so you hand over control, knowing you will be safe.

There’s definitely a time and place for hair grabbing and during a social meet isn’t it.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I think the ones who have to join a club and learn the rules and the accepted language and practices are the ones to be avoided.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *abrielle247Couple (FF) over a year ago

PDI Gran Canaria

"Real doms, absolutely not. Far from it.

Tryers who think that fifty shades of dull bullshit is a helpful guide and don’t bother to understand the necessary dynamic; yes, often selfish, boring bullies. "

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *emini ManMan over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

"I think the ones who have to join a club and learn the rules and the accepted language and practices are the ones to be avoided. "

Agree to an extent, there is certainly no rulebook to be followed, apart from the one agreed between two (or more) consenting AND informed adults - but there's also a lot to be learned about techniques, things to watch for etc from others with more experience

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Yes some are... the name Dom is given out all too easily and a few men think it gives them free reign to be abusive. Having said that, Dom also has to cover a wide range of different types of interest within D/s play, so it can be a tricky one.

My advice would be, ask questions. Just because you are submissive doesn’t mean you can’t ask questions and enquirer what it is that’s expected of you, and what his needs and desires are.

Trust is a must when it comes to D/s play and I personally wouldn’t be happy playing submissive to a man if I didn’t feel confident, comfortable and trusting of him and his actions.

Although we all get labelled the same, Doms and subs are all different. What one D or s likes may be completely unacceptable to another.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Yes some are... the name Dom is given out all too easily and a few men think it gives them free reign to be abusive. Having said that, Dom also has to cover a wide range of different types of interest within D/s play, so it can be a tricky one.

My advice would be, ask questions. Just because you are submissive doesn’t mean you can’t ask questions and enquirer what it is that’s expected of you, and what his needs and desires are.

Trust is a must when it comes to D/s play and I personally wouldn’t be happy playing submissive to a man if I didn’t feel confident, comfortable and trusting of him and his actions.

Although we all get labelled the same, Doms and subs are all different. What one D or s likes may be completely unacceptable to another. "

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Unless it’s agreed or in a role play situation then what he’s done is assault....was he a mob boss or something!!

It’s about building up trust, being forceful through words, eye contact, gaining your trust so you hand over control, knowing you will be safe.

There’s definitely a time and place for hair grabbing and during a social meet isn’t it.

Quite

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"It truly fucks me off when a first message says ‘call me sir’

Say what?

Yes I’m into bdsm, I make no secret..

But, it’s the product of long build ups, mutual trust, safety

There’s Dom’s, and then there’s just guys who wanna pull some hair and slap some ass and then brag about it to their makes cos they think they made someone submit..

They’ve got no idea "

exactly this

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *oddess ZCouple over a year ago

Wrexham

As others have said really.

I've got a little experience in bdsm I am a switch

so I have done both ends of the scale so to speak. To me a true dom (of either gender) gets into your mind before your pants. You crave them, need them before they give you what you want or at times what you crave but dont realise you do. You grow and explore with them.

A true dom always knows the sub has the final say if they use there safe word or say no it means just that.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ub bbwWoman over a year ago

oldbury

Definitely I’ve met a few and had a few message me on here and they are just on power trips. I’ve met a few good ones over the years that I’ve questioned to start with but they have shown their dominance in plenty of ways. Nothing should be done without consent and they seem to forget that I’ve also seen “doms” in clubs who have had someone screaming a safe word and ignored them and demanded they don’t show them up by using it again. My Dom has stepped in before now and stopped things going too far. It takes time to build trust up for a full scene to work for both of you.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *iReyWoman over a year ago

Cheshire East

"Real doms, absolutely not. Far from it.

Tryers who think that fifty shades of dull bullshit is a helpful guide and don’t bother to understand the necessary dynamic; yes, often selfish, boring bullies. "

Exactly this. And the women who accept it are usually the dull idiots who get off on 50 shades. Never forget about a dom on another site bragging that he’d broken a subs arm

funnily enough he was a 50 shades fan also. A real dom would already know what was acceptable and what wasn’t and would never hurt or make you feel uncomfortable

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I think the ones who have to join a club and learn the rules and the accepted language and practices are the ones to be avoided. "

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *egasus NobMan over a year ago

London

"Real doms, absolutely not. Far from it.

Tryers who think that fifty shades of dull bullshit is a helpful guide and don’t bother to understand the necessary dynamic; yes, often selfish, boring bullies.

Exactly this. And the women who accept it are usually the dull idiots who get off on 50 shades. Never forget about a dom on another site bragging that he’d broken a subs arm

funnily enough he was a 50 shades fan also. A real dom would already know what was acceptable and what wasn’t and would never hurt or make you feel uncomfortable "

Broke someone's arm where is the pleasure?

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *aisyDDWoman over a year ago

North West

Get lots of the slap you about type message me.

It’s usually easy to work out who is genuine. If they start getting impatient then it’s a goodbye. I do not want an impatient dom

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *vilgasamWoman over a year ago

The dot in the i

Oh there are definitely way too many fakes on here, I’m fed up of being asked to teach them when I say they’re wrong in how to treat a sub, a simple test is ask what they’d do in x situation, a spanking scene for example, fakes get it wrong and trip themselves up, I tend to quiz a lot

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Well said!,it’s about gaining trust to a point that the lady feels safe enough to give her all....too many 50 shades idiots.....I’ve researched and practised and o too have chatted to super Dom’s who just smack bums and think there gods gift....I’m not claiming to be brilliant but it’s a personal situation tailored to the individuals needs

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I met someone for lunch last week, he said he was Dom. I’m not particularly looking for that but he seemed an ok kind of guy.

So are some guys who call themselves Doms actually covering up being a bully or abusive in their behaviour to others? "
I'd have smacked the shit out of him

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ornylittlesubWoman over a year ago

Grangemouth

The biggest misconceptions most "Dom" guys have is that THEY are in control....anyone in a real sub/Dom relationship knows that the sub is the one in control. The sub sets the limits, not the Dom....if it was any other way it would be dangerous and this is where the "accidents", "misunderstandings" and down right "fk ups" happen. In my humble opinion obviously.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ineMan over a year ago

In cave behind a waterfall on a hill

"The biggest misconceptions most "Dom" guys have is that THEY are in control....anyone in a real sub/Dom relationship knows that the sub is the one in control. The sub sets the limits, not the Dom....if it was any other way it would be dangerous and this is where the "accidents", "misunderstandings" and down right "fk ups" happen. In my humble opinion obviously.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I met someone for lunch last week, he said he was Dom. I’m not particularly looking for that but he seemed an ok kind of guy.

So are some guys who call themselves Doms actually covering up being a bully or abusive in their behaviour to others? "

Ooh noo thats wrong babe!!

The real meaning of a dom is setting boundries n limits! And his actual no.1 role is to ptotect u and build trust in him! Not to act as tho he can do as he pleases where n when

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I met someone for lunch last week, he said he was Dom. I’m not particularly looking for that but he seemed an ok kind of guy.

So are some guys who call themselves Doms actually covering up being a bully or abusive in their behaviour to others?

Ooh noo thats wrong babe!!

The real meaning of a dom is setting boundries n limits! And his actual no.1 role is to ptotect u and build trust in him! Not to act as tho he can do as he pleases where n when"

Where did you get that information from? Who makes the rules and regulations and decides who can call themselves a Dom?

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I met someone for lunch last week, he said he was Dom. I’m not particularly looking for that but he seemed an ok kind of guy.

So are some guys who call themselves Doms actually covering up being a bully or abusive in their behaviour to others?

Ooh noo thats wrong babe!!

The real meaning of a dom is setting boundries n limits! And his actual no.1 role is to ptotect u and build trust in him! Not to act as tho he can do as he pleases where n when

Where did you get that information from? Who makes the rules and regulations and decides who can call themselves a Dom?"

Well its between 2 people if its their sexual tendacy! But the role of a dom isnt to indimidate its actually supposed to b built on trust

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

So same foundations as a 'normal' relationship then?

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Unless it’s agreed or in a role play situation then what he’s done is assault....was he a mob boss or something!!

It’s about building up trust, being forceful through words, eye contact, gaining your trust so you hand over control, knowing you will be safe.

There’s definitely a time and place for hair grabbing and during a social meet isn’t it.

I’ve felt unsettled since and concerned he’ll act that way with someone else. He isn’t on Fab as far as I know.

Thanks for all the comments everyone. It’s been interesting to read and made me feel better.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *harlie_m123Man over a year ago

burton

Jagermeister and _ornylittlesub are both absolutely spot on. A true Dom(me) serves his/her sub. Any experience - an abundance or a deliberate shortage, mental or physical, corrective, restraining or rewarding - is for the true pleasure of the sub. My sub rules my life, and i adore her for it (and she is almost certainly squirming of she's reading this lol ).

OP, our collective sympathies for you on encountering this Walter Nitty. He was a bully, and a particularly naff one at that. You, and every other sub whom true Dom(me)s are privileged to serve, deserve more.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"How can you possibly dom a woman properly if you dont know her intimately and without communication? In a club maybe but in a restaurant on the first meet!!

My view has always been that any true dominant knows that the power in any sub/dom relationship is truly with the sub.

This guy sounds like an arse."

He does indeed sound like an arse. You however sound like my kinda guy!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *arkhorse7Man over a year ago

birmingham

If you think your a Dom, then your clearly mistaken and are not..... Giving yourself a badge of Dom doesn't make you one, but a domwit!

I think when two potential people converse, they generally can assess the type of personality the other is, as I've always found people who are drawn to BDSM scene or someone of D/s calibre are naturally drawn to someone by their ability of conversation, and flare for such, and how they make you feel, secure and safe .... Just like, men who know what makes a man in them, don't have to shout I'm a man, but show by his actions his a man, in control and consideration for others!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Read the novels of gore for a starting point into the Gorean world of D/s roleplay.A natural Dom never needs to raise his voice an eyebow will suffice and a true sun knows all about the power she holds

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I like to be a bit dominant, but only in the bedroom. In h real world I find respectful and caring is much better an approach. Sounds like a bit of a dick to me

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *edonistic Bi.Man over a year ago

Ashton Under Lyne

"I met someone for lunch last week, he said he was Dom. I’m not particularly looking for that but he seemed an ok kind of guy.

So are some guys who call themselves Doms actually covering up being a bully or abusive in their behaviour to others? "

It's the 50 Shades of dom. Basiclly thinking they can use and abuse any women they please as.its their "right" as the dommly of all doms.

When in reality.. just a bunch of cunts. And not in the fun and happy way.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *onnie And Clyde9070Couple over a year ago

Leeds

"I met someone for lunch last week, he said he was Dom. I’m not particularly looking for that but he seemed an ok kind of guy.

So are some guys who call themselves Doms actually covering up being a bully or abusive in their behaviour to others? "

That's assault.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"It truly fucks me off when a first message says ‘call me sir’

Say what?

Yes I’m into bdsm, I make no secret..

But, it’s the product of long build ups, mutual trust, safety

There’s Dom’s, and then there’s just guys who wanna pull some hair and slap some ass and then brag about it to their makes cos they think they made someone submit..

They’ve got no idea "

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"If you think your a Dom, then your clearly mistaken and are not..... Giving yourself a badge of Dom doesn't make you one, but a domwit!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *iffaWoman over a year ago

wherever

Anyone care to enlighten a non sub/dom person.

How would you know someone is dom then? How does the sun have all the power? Just curious is all

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My typo should be sub its a power exchange thing both knowing what stimulates the other bringing out the submussive tendancies which in turn bring out the Dominant urges in the other its a trusting relationship and s journey togethet rather than a one off thing x

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ts artMan over a year ago

Londonderry

"It truly fucks me off when a first message says ‘call me sir’

Say what?

Yes I’m into bdsm, I make no secret..

But, it’s the product of long build ups, mutual trust, safety

There’s Dom’s, and then there’s just guys who wanna pull some hair and slap some ass and then brag about it to their makes cos they think they made someone submit..

They’ve got no idea "

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My take on this is the same as many people have already discussed. Some men use the term dominant as an excuse to bully - I refer to myself as naturally dominant sexually, I don't like to refer to myself as a 'dom' but I know what the dom sub dynamic should be.

For me being dominant is about inspiring my partner to WANT to be submissive towards me. Submission is earned and is something that should be discussed with boundaries and limits.

Dominant behavior can include slapping and hair pulling and any other physical activity that both parties are consenting to but to me dominance is about who and what you are.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ollyGWoman over a year ago

Southampton

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *icentiousCouple over a year ago

Up on them there hills

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *hubnwife_36dd_ukCouple over a year ago

chester

"I met someone for lunch last week, he said he was Dom. I’m not particularly looking for that but he seemed an ok kind of guy.

So are some guys who call themselves Doms actually covering up being a bully or abusive in their behaviour to others? "

Spot on Penny, you either met a bully or someone whose only idea was gained from watching bad porn.

We may have missed something but surely in all the fun Fab stands for whether it is dominant, just partner-swapping,domming, voyeurism etc, etc, surely there are rules?

The game is on when both parties agree it is on. No surprise actions on the part of one of them as per your player at lunch. The game is off when one of them calls it off, no exceptions and it is played within the agreed limits unless the receiving party has specifically agreed (under protection of a safeword) to have their boundaries pushed a bit.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ollyGWoman over a year ago

Southampton

As I said before, my Dom was very considerate and loving, don't think I would meet one again after what I have read on this tread!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

In any D/s relationship the submissive has all the power. The dominant is their to facilitate their wishes and push their boundaries which have been set over frequent conversations and bonding sessions.

Trust and communication is everything.

If person grabs any part of you without your knowledge or prior consent, that is an act of physical abuse and is criminal act. It should not be tolerated.

I hope you gave them a swift kick in the nuts!!!

PS. Mr f**king abusing kn*b jockey Grey has alot to answer for!!!!

Mistress Amelia x

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 30/03/18 20:27:14]

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

PS. Mr f**king abusing kn*b jockey Grey has alot to answer for!!!!

Mistress Amelia x

The 50 shades stories are a guide to an abusive, non consensual, unhealthy, dangerous relationship posing as BDSM

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *tace 309TV/TS over a year ago

durham

"I think the ones who have to join a club and learn the rules and the accepted language and practices are the ones to be avoided. "
way way off course there . these are ultra,safe ways to learn true bdsm . letting anyone loose on you beckons trouble big style ..I've been doing bdsm over 35_ years now and going to clubs ,workshops and demos is the only way to do this correctly .I'm not talking about a little bit of spanking or flogging. I'm talking real bdsm ,flogging ,caning ,body stapling ,needleplay ,electrics ,piercing ,fireplay. Etc .Theres more to bdsm than just a little bit titillation

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I think the ones who have to join a club and learn the rules and the accepted language and practices are the ones to be avoided. way way off course there . these are ultra,safe ways to learn true bdsm . letting anyone loose on you beckons trouble big style ..I've been doing bdsm over 35_ years now and going to clubs ,workshops and demos is the only way to do this correctly .I'm not talking about a little bit of spanking or flogging. I'm talking real bdsm ,flogging ,caning ,body stapling ,needleplay ,electrics ,piercing ,fireplay. Etc .Theres more to bdsm than just a little bit titillation "

This kind of gatekeeping when it comes to BDSM does annoy me a little - BDSM is whatever people want it to be - as long as it takes place within a safe sane and consensual dynamic - a little spanking and hair pulling is BDSM for one couple whilst shibari or bloodletting may be other peoples tastes.

Its like telling someone who doodles for fun that they are not an artist because they dont paint watercolours.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ishopstippleMan over a year ago

Purley

PS. Mr f**king abusing kn*b jockey Grey has alot to answer for!!!!

Mistress Amelia x

The 50 shades stories are a guide to an abusive, non consensual, unhealthy, dangerous relationship posing as BDSM"

Thats because it was written by an author who knew jack-shit about the subject, and who incidentally can't actually write. And was reinterpreted by holliwood as titillation for the ignorant masses.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *.gerri.xTV/TS over a year ago

North west

Lol @ Dims who think Rough Sex is BDSM.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *sGivesWoodWoman over a year ago

ST. AUSTELL, CORNWALL

"I think a lot of the so called 'doms' on here are just misogynistic bullies with a large dose of arrogance thrown in..

Its laughable tbh"

Dim doms who think they Know it all after watching 50 shades of shit and too much porn.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Its like telling someone who doodles for fun that they are not an artist because they dont paint watercolours."

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

PS. Mr f**king abusing kn*b jockey Grey has alot to answer for!!!!

Mistress Amelia x

The 50 shades stories are a guide to an abusive, non consensual, unhealthy, dangerous relationship posing as BDSM

Thats because it was written by an author who knew jack-shit about the subject, and who incidentally can't actually write. And was reinterpreted by holliwood as titillation for the ignorant masses."

We all agree regarding those books and the films

The problem is that 99% off the male species now think they are Dom! (I am exaggerating a little, but you get my drift), when they know little to nothing about the subject.

There is a deeper problem. Woman allow men to get away with grabbing them or touching them inappropriately. And I know there is a tide of change going on, but it is everywhere. And it is more prevalent in the younger age bracket 16-25s...

It is almost like woman are shamed or scared to take a stand against it...

I feel sorry for the female species of the world for the shit they have to deal with from mass majority of the male species.

Mistress Amelia x

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *tace 309TV/TS over a year ago

durham

Its like telling someone who doodles for fun that they are not an artist because they dont paint watercolours."
a little spanking and hair pulling is hardly bdsm .look at what bdsm actually means its bondage domination sado masochism .When did hair pulling actually become part of that .get your facts right first look it up and don't talk tripe .do whatever floats your boat but don't put something that is not entirely bdsm into that category .a little mild play does not mean its bdsm .that's where a lot go wrong here. Its a mild form of kink nothing more .

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *tace 309TV/TS over a year ago

durham

Hey there's a ruler over there .I'd love to tap someone with that ....I'm a Dom and I'm into bdsm ....wow

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ommenhimCouple over a year ago

wigan

PS. Mr f**king abusing kn*b jockey Grey has alot to answer for!!!!

Mistress Amelia x

The 50 shades stories are a guide to an abusive, non consensual, unhealthy, dangerous relationship posing as BDSM

Thats because it was written by an author who knew jack-shit about the subject, and who incidentally can't actually write. And was reinterpreted by holliwood as titillation for the ignorant masses."

She can’t write? .... seems she can .... her millions would suggest she tapped a market incredibly successfully!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ommenhimCouple over a year ago

wigan

Its like telling someone who doodles for fun that they are not an artist because they dont paint watercolours.a little spanking and hair pulling is hardly bdsm .look at what bdsm actually means its bondage domination sado masochism .When did hair pulling actually become part of that .get your facts right first look it up and don't talk tripe .do whatever floats your boat but don't put something that is not entirely bdsm into that category .a little mild play does not mean its bdsm .that's where a lot go wrong here. Its a mild form of kink nothing more ."

When did stapling become a part? Flogging? Spanking..... tell me it’s origins the time date or reference that we can reliably examine as a record of these sexual behaviours.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *oisineandAlCouple over a year ago

limerick

Im a Dominant, but Im not abusive, nor do I need to tell one and all that I am one. That was very rude of him, he should have formed a relationship. you do not just grab someone it must be consensual. Did you Know he was Dominant?. Its about respect towards each other. A discussion should take place what each one wants done. unless you are seeking a Master/Mistress. There are some who are not, but they dont know how to act

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *icentiousCouple over a year ago

Up on them there hills

The play, to us is great fun, in a very sensual way, can’t see how someone else’s protocols, elitism makes our play fifty shades of their mind.

One time we played in a club , we were asked if a lady watching could be next,

Okay, B/d play is great I’m clubs, love D/s play with the right person, in the right dynamic.

S/m has its place, for me is a tad shallow...unless, x

However, I’m not a master, just someone who knows both the psychology and the cause/effect of the play, oh, sorry to mention... the immense fun.

Bdsm fun? Damn, got it wrong again...

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *oisineandAlCouple over a year ago

limerick

50 shades does not reflect the scene correctly. and yes she did not know how the scene works.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ommenhimCouple over a year ago

wigan

PS. Mr f**king abusing kn*b jockey Grey has alot to answer for!!!!

Mistress Amelia x

The 50 shades stories are a guide to an abusive, non consensual, unhealthy, dangerous relationship posing as BDSM

Thats because it was written by an author who knew jack-shit about the subject, and who incidentally can't actually write. And was reinterpreted by holliwood as titillation for the ignorant masses.

We all agree regarding those books and the films

The problem is that 99% off the male species now think they are Dom! (I am exaggerating a little, but you get my drift), when they know little to nothing about the subject.

It is almost like woman are shamed or scared to take a stand against it...

I feel sorry for the female species of the world for the shit they have to deal with from mass majority of the male species.

Mistress Amelia x

The 99% ... reference to that study? It’s a clear shame that while 99% of men set of to be doms no females thought “you know what... I think being sub may be cool” Otherwise there could have been a load of sillysubs meeting with dimdoms and neither knowing “true” bdsm... only their version of it!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ommenhimCouple over a year ago

wigan

"The play, to us is great fun, in a very sensual way, can’t see how someone else’s protocols, elitism makes our play fifty shades of their mind.

One time we played in a club , we were asked if a lady watching could be next,

Okay, B/d play is great I’m clubs, love D/s play with the right person, in the right dynamic.

S/m has its place, for me is a tad shallow...unless, x

However, I’m not a master, just someone who knows both the psychology and the cause/effect of the play, oh, sorry to mention... the immense fun.

Bdsm fun? Damn, got it wrong again...

Must try harder!!

Sorry should possibly try harder if you’ve discussed, got it in triplicate and all parties have documented the rules!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I met someone for lunch last week, he said he was Dom. I’m not particularly looking for that but he seemed an ok kind of guy.

So are some guys who call themselves Doms actually covering up being a bully or abusive in their behaviour to others? "

This is complete bullshit, and not just boundary crossing but outright assault. I would have got up and walked away immediately and never spoken to the guy again.

Men getting away with such entitled behaviour need to be reported and stopped for this sort of thing.

As a man who's been involved in D/s relationships over the years, it should never be about the man (Dom) being in control at all. It's about power sharing, and the balance of power/control being equally shared between a sub and a Dom. It has nothing to do with one person making all the decisions and being a bullying, entitled arsehole. This stuff makes my blood boil.

A Dominant partner in a true D/s relationship should be caring and sensitive first & foremost - D/s play is as much controlled by the submissive partner as it is the Dom and should be entirely based on trust, ,, communication, consent (I can't stress consent enough here), boundaries and safety. Any man crossing those lines has zero understanding of the dynamic and shouldn't be allowed to fore himself on you.

I could go on about this all day, but I hope I've given an insight into how it should be, and can be with the right level of understanding and communication.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *andCforfunCouple over a year ago

Inverness

Fifty shades fault! Men thinking they can do what they want the woman without having a clue what a dom actually is! Haven’t a clue what mutual respect is or how to earn it!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Fifty shades fault! Men thinking they can do what they want the woman without having a clue what a dom actually is! Haven’t a clue what mutual respect is or how to earn it! "

It definitely plays a part - that book/film does have a lot to answer for. In some ways it was good that it brought D/s relationships and BDSM to the masses, but as you say it misses the mark widely and promotes abusive relationships.

I've tried to explain this to vanilla people but they simply don't get it, which is a shame and merely serves to perpetuate the myth that D/s is about male control.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *andCforfunCouple over a year ago

Inverness

"Fifty shades fault! Men thinking they can do what they want the woman without having a clue what a dom actually is! Haven’t a clue what mutual respect is or how to earn it!

I've tried to explain this to vanilla people but they simply don't get it, which is a shame and merely serves to perpetuate the myth that D/s is about male control."

It just makes me so mad sometimes! I’ve tried explaining how poisonous the films are. And the lack of understanding i what bdsm is.

But I’ve had arguments with supposed doms many a time and I’ve also had someone try force themselves on me cause that’s what they thought was ok! Didn’t happen though

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Fifty shades fault! Men thinking they can do what they want the woman without having a clue what a dom actually is! Haven’t a clue what mutual respect is or how to earn it!

I've tried to explain this to vanilla people but they simply don't get it, which is a shame and merely serves to perpetuate the myth that D/s is about male control.

It just makes me so mad sometimes! I’ve tried explaining how poisonous the films are. And the lack of understanding i what bdsm is.

But I’ve had arguments with supposed doms many a time and I’ve also had someone try force themselves on me cause that’s what they thought was ok! Didn’t happen though "

Exactly. Being an overbearing asshole doesn't make you a Dom, it makes you an overbearing asshole!

There's a real and live distinction to be on this thread, and that is that you can't be a bully AND a Dom - they're entirely different things.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

my ex used it to bully ....

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Fifty shades fault! Men thinking they can do what they want the woman without having a clue what a dom actually is! Haven’t a clue what mutual respect is or how to earn it!

I've tried to explain this to vanilla people but they simply don't get it, which is a shame and merely serves to perpetuate the myth that D/s is about male control.

It just makes me so mad sometimes! I’ve tried explaining how poisonous the films are. And the lack of understanding i what bdsm is.

But I’ve had arguments with supposed doms many a time and I’ve also had someone try force themselves on me cause that’s what they thought was ok! Didn’t happen though

Exactly. Being an overbearing asshole doesn't make you a Dom, it makes you an overbearing asshole!

There's a real and live distinction to be on this thread, and that is that you can't be a bully AND a Dom - they're entirely different things. "
totally agree xx

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I met someone for lunch last week, he said he was Dom. I’m not particularly looking for that but he seemed an ok kind of guy.

So are some guys who call themselves Doms actually covering up being a bully or abusive in their behaviour to others? "

Hi, sorry to hear that many fake so called Dom out making it hard for women. But a real dom never shows his dark side or display in public infact he knows how to treat his sub in public to make her feel more spical for him.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *hingy2Woman over a year ago

STOKE ON TRENT

"I met someone for lunch last week, he said he was Dom. I’m not particularly looking for that but he seemed an ok kind of guy.

So are some guys who call themselves Doms actually covering up being a bully or abusive in their behaviour to others?

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *exymidscouple2017Couple over a year ago

Birmingham

"I met someone for lunch last week, he said he was Dom. I’m not particularly looking for that but he seemed an ok kind of guy.

So are some guys who call themselves Doms actually covering up being a bully or abusive in their behaviour to others? "

If he had done that to me I would have kicked him on the nuts.

Doms still need to show respect. *Mrs

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *weetandHungMan over a year ago

liverpool

What happens if his name was actually dominic but called himself dom?

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"It truly fucks me off when a first message says ‘call me sir’

Say what?

Yes I’m into bdsm, I make no secret..

But, it’s the product of long build ups, mutual trust, safety

There’s Dom’s, and then there’s just guys who wanna pull some hair and slap some ass and then brag about it to their makes cos they think they made someone submit..

They’ve got no idea "

Agree x

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A lot of wannabe doms get it so wrong it's unbelievable!

Every dom has their own style, but for one you don't use pain as the most controlling tool during play, unless your sub specifically wants it, and even then at the right times and in specific amounts?

No, I tend to use pleasure 95% of the time, it's just a question of when and how you exert it upon your subject. You need to have their brain associate obedience with pleasure and repeatedly bind those stimuli together...

A sub will then get a thrill from mere obedience and rewards for such behaviour reinforce that lovely kink born in their mind...

A lot of fakes also shout, thinking that this is how to reinforce your will. This is bollocks.

I always use a calm suggestive voice, one that hints and leads the mind to make it's own obvious conclusions...In terms of volume, it's low, often little more than a whisper, spoken very closely and seductively into a willing ear...

Intimacy is often of utmost importance between dom and sub.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ccasionalfunCouple over a year ago

hereandthere

We have had self called doms mail us. They just come across as being complete fucking bell ends to us.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Unfortunately the answer to the question is yes. Some are bullies but it has to be said that some submissives actually want that. Bdsm is very individual. I would suggest that being a bully isn't a good approach and the scenario suggested by the op is totally wrong. Boundaries and understanding must be set before anything happens. The mind is the no1 asset for all D/s.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *aughty monkey31Man over a year ago

Walsall

"Real doms, absolutely not. Far from it.

Tryers who think that fifty shades of dull bullshit is a helpful guide and don’t bother to understand the necessary dynamic; yes, often selfish, boring bullies. "

Fifty shades of dull, pretty much sums up those books. How the hell they got made into a movie franchise is unbelievable.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *alcon43Woman over a year ago

Paisley

"How can you possibly dom a woman properly if you dont know her intimately and without communication? In a club maybe but in a restaurant on the first meet!!

My view has always been that any true dominant knows that the power in any sub/dom relationship is truly with the sub.

This guy sounds like an arse."

At last. Someone who know that the control is with the sub. Too many tines I’ve heard from girls who have been sub to a Dom who was abusive and controlling outside of the bedroom.

A true Dom/Domme knows that you need to communicate, discuss any health issues, likes and dislikes, agree on a safe word or use traffic lights and know the importance of aftercare as well. The rapport can be built up teasing your mind, subtle touches and builds up. Trust is important in any relationship but especially so in a D/s scenario.

An experienced sub can tell just by chatting how experienced a Dom is. It’s definitely not someone who inflicts pain in public on a first date.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

This

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *alcon43Woman over a year ago

Paisley

This

Ditto.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

If you give yourself the title:Dom , you are not Dom, your just a title.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

This

Ditto.

Definitely this too. To be fair if I've made contact with a lady where we couldn't meet for ages due to circumstance and this naturally evolved before a d/s dynamic even did.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Just because a man says he’s a Dom doesn’t mean he is. The problem a lot have is they consider ‘instant control’ a need for them. Whereas the ‘sub’ quiet often wants to, and in my opinion should be, understood what their needs are.

Firstly the ground rules and safe words/actions are needed along with ‘hard limits’.

I guess lots don’t understand this.

The outcome of many a first email/social/meet is often the only contact they have with the ‘sub/person they are meeting’. But some never learn and make the same mistakes over & over again, then complain they ‘can’t get a meet’.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Serious question. Behaviour like this and coercion etc were rightly called out well before 50 Shades, but has it become exponentially worse? The porn industry is being solely held to account by many people for the same complaints. I know there is a complete lack of understanding of BDSM in the books, but how many men have actually read them and got their ideas from there?

"Absolutely some of them are. Abusive and masquerading as Mr Grey types. Despicable. "

Mr Grey is abusive, so no need to masquerade.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Unfortunately this is far too true and the wannabe Mr Greys give true Dom’s a bad name. If your seeking a dom do your research, attend munches, events speak to people in the scene. Ask them how long they have been in the scene. A true dom you can guess with a few questions and easily tell a fake.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *alcon43Woman over a year ago

Paisley

A true Dom will give you experiences that will leave you wanting more.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

The one thing everyone should remember is that submission is a gift, it can't be taken.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago