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Coming out
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It's been a long drawn out process for me, accepting I'm trans, exploring my sexuality etc. I've taken what for me are some big steps lately. Working in a swingers club as Vicky, braving a trip to a high street salon and adventuring out in public to a bar on my own. These may seem like baby steps to some but we're huge for me.
My wife knows I'm trans (but not the full extent of) refer to profile. As of yet she is the only person from vanilla life that knows. More and more I find myself in complete conflict and need support. I've sort professional help through counciling but it's a pretty crap service and once monthly appointments don't cut it.
I'm considering coming out to a friend, but do I trust them to keep it quiet, and I don't know how they'll react. I want to do something about it but I don't know what
Anyone been through this that can advise??? |
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As a partner to a trans girl who's coming out to her friends now she says to only tell those you can truly trust a true friend will support you and understand this is who you are if they laugh or make fun of you there not true friends. Also tell your wife everything as she will apprieciate and support you most of all good luck xx Your a stunning woman xx |
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Thank you, the friend I'm thinking of telling I would normally trust, but god knows what she'd do in shock, mist of all I don't want her to go home and tell her partner as him I do not trust.
As for my wife, she is accepting of me being trans, but not supporting if that makes sense, she accepts my need to dress but doesn't understand it and certainly isn't comfortable with anyone knowing, I can't refer to myself as Vicky around her as that's not who she married, that was my male persona. i don't want to loose her and put pressure on the marriage, but I've got to be me |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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From experience, baby steps is the way.
My way is to tell the people you trust first and hope they’ll keep it to themselves. The idea is that when it starts to run away from you you’ll hve lots of people seeded within the community or work that are on side.
You have to be prepared for it to go viral in the area and for everyone to suddenly know.
If you want to chat, message me xx |
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I'm not ready for it to go viral as it were. I'm very reliant on close family for a lot of things, to say they're homophobic / transphobic is and understatement.
You should of seen the kick off when I named a gay friend as my child's godfather.
They'd disown me and I couldn't cope without them.
Ironically the gay friend is not supportive or understanding of trans |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I'm not ready for it to go viral as it were. I'm very reliant on close family for a lot of things, to say they're homophobic / transphobic is and understatement.
You should of seen the kick off when I named a gay friend as my child's godfather.
They'd disown me and I couldn't cope without them.
Ironically the gay friend is not supportive or understanding of trans"
I think you get to a point where you can’t keep in your feelings and to hell with the people who have a problem with it.
I’ve been surprised how well I’ve been received . Some people I really feared would turn on me have been brilliant.
Others who is hoped would stand by me turned on me instead. |
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"I'm not ready for it to go viral as it were. I'm very reliant on close family for a lot of things, to say they're homophobic / transphobic is and understatement.
You should of seen the kick off when I named a gay friend as my child's godfather.
They'd disown me and I couldn't cope without them.
Ironically the gay friend is not supportive or understanding of trans"
I'd really like to reassure you that you can cope without them. I won't pretend it's not difficult but family is much more than what you are born into. As long as you have good people around you, you can get beyond that initial "loss". Baby steps is a sound, sensible approach. Wish you all the best x |
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Such a hard question to answer but totally understanding of your need to share.
I found when going out onto the scene then going home to the "normal" life that I was lying to people I cared for about something that was a very important part of my life. Constantly worrying that my needs would negatively effect others I pushed them away and lied to myself just as much as I lied to them.
Once there was just me (no relationship etc.) I again went full time but avoided all family old friends etc . Started to tell the most important people in my family . I had told one and my sister passed away , so I was forced into telling everyone important at the same time (it was an unmentioned thing but some family knew I was tv ) and like you my family aren't the most liberal .
I lost them all , basically straightaway and it's such a shock to realise that those people you think will stand by you through anything are that caught up in the trans thing they forget your still you.
I totally understand the shock that people especially partners feel when they are told about your trans side as you are now someone completely different an they will go through there own pain with that as they will question everything that's between you .
I suppose it depends on how important being Vicky is. I'd honestly discuss things more with your wife ,....well just because she's your wife 
The other friend, if this is something you aren't going to do full time ( and I know how confusing all thoughts like that are ) and you're worried how her partner will react with it , I'd say nothing as couples talk and big news like that would affect her and she'd probably want to talk to someone about it .
End of the day you'll know whether this becomes important enough to lose loved ones over and by that time you'll have no choice but to tell people anyway .
Good luck xxx
P's how friggin scarys that first salon visit all those bright lights an big mirrors lol |
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Being Vicky is a need not a want, I took the club job as it's a regular outlet for that persona. I don't want to be full time, at least that's not what I've progressed to, but it has been a progression from one thing to the next. I've lost my family before and struggled to get them back, it's only in the last two years we've all been able to get together in the same place.
I understand what you're saying about couples, that presents an issue
As for that first salon visit, scarynto say the least. Communication was all done by email so I didn't have to speak and hear a possibly negative reaction. The makeup artist reassured me they gave many trans clients but it's never really advertised as it has before been criticised for its worlding. The trans world is in itself diverse so what speaks to one may offend another. I was well received by the staff there, and it was just staff in there, guess I booked at a quiet time. I felt amazing both for doing it, and the way I looked. I booked to do it again the next day. Next appointment is before transcendence |
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"I'm not ready for it to go viral as it were. I'm very reliant on close family for a lot of things, to say they're homophobic / transphobic is and understatement.
You should of seen the kick off when I named a gay friend as my child's godfather.
They'd disown me and I couldn't cope without them.
Ironically the gay friend is not supportive or understanding of trans"
That is ironic but each to there own i guess. You have to do whats best for you after all. Rachel is a great example of how it can work out if you have a great family to support you. Its a shame your family is so homo/transphobic and your not first to suffer this my own girl has lost family members and friends but has gained alot more since coming out more friends me and my family love her to bits and to them shes female because thats who she is what she was born as has nothing to do with the girl she is now im proud of her journey starting hrt soon actually. Without me she would of been trapped in boy mode forever. |
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You are braver than you think, and speaking the way you are is showing your able to be rational whilst working through a massive thing. I wish you the very best and hope your friends are worthy of you. X |
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Thanks guys. Rachael could be an inspiration to us all, I don't think I want go as far down that route as she has, but my god do I respect her for it.
I don't know where this journey will end for me, at the moment I don't even want to be Vicky full time, part time would suffice, but everything so far has been a progression |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Thanks guys. Rachael could be an inspiration to us all, I don't think I want go as far down that route as she has, but my god do I respect her for it.
I don't know where this journey will end for me, at the moment I don't even want to be Vicky full time, part time would suffice, but everything so far has been a progression "
Thanks Vicky, I’m flattered.
We are all different. That means where we go with this is entirely up to us. We should do it at a pace that suits us. It’s our personal journey after all.
You don’t have to tick all the boxes and fit a template to be trans. Less than half the full timers actually have the final surgery.
The way you feel now doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll always feel that way. You may find this takes you over and transitioning is the only thing that will make you happy. You may, on the other hand, stay as you are just enjoying your ‘me time’. You may walk away from it.
I wouldn’t wish the way I feel on my worst enemy. I cry almost daily. I hate what I’m doing to people I love the most. I wouldn’t take a pill to make me male or straight either.
Just be careful not to do anything you can’t reverse unless you’re very sure. Be careful what you wish for xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I'm not ready for it to go viral as it were. I'm very reliant on close family for a lot of things, to say they're homophobic / transphobic is and understatement.
You should of seen the kick off when I named a gay friend as my child's godfather.
They'd disown me and I couldn't cope without them.
Ironically the gay friend is not supportive or understanding of trans"
Don't have any advice but just want to say I feel for you and I wish you luck..
Candy x |
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Im unable to send advice but just to say I admire all of you for continuing on your long journey ... I cannot imagine how difficult it is .... However you must do what makes you feel happy a day at a time ... |
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"Thank you all you lovely ppl, with your help and the help of a couple of friends from my swinging world I've decided to take the plunge and tell my first vanilla friend.
Meeting her on Sunday "
Good luck Vicky you be happier when you do xx  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Thank you all you lovely ppl, with your help and the help of a couple of friends from my swinging world I've decided to take the plunge and tell my first vanilla friend.
Meeting her on Sunday "
I hope it goes well.
If it does, and there’s no reason why it shouldn’t, you’ll come away buzzing.
Really happy for you xxx |
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"Thank you all you lovely ppl, with your help and the help of a couple of friends from my swinging world I've decided to take the plunge and tell my first vanilla friend.
Meeting her on Sunday "
I have no experience or anything useful to add other than from one human being to another, really hope Sunday goes well for you. Everyone has the right to be happy and I hope your friend gives you l the support you need and deserve xx |
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By *alcon43Woman
over a year ago
Paisley |
Hi Vicky
Talk to the other Tgirls if you can and see if there’s a support group in your area. I have spoken to a few girls in various stages of their lives.
See if there’s a Facebook group for support. It’s such a difficult thing trying to come to terms with who you are and to be happy with your decision. I had a similar chat on Friday with a Tgirl friend of mine. She’s conflicted at times too.
Feel free to PM me. Fx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I'm not ready for it to go viral as it were. I'm very reliant on close family for a lot of things, to say they're homophobic / transphobic is and understatement.
You should of seen the kick off when I named a gay friend as my child's godfather.
They'd disown me and I couldn't cope without them.
Ironically the gay friend is not supportive or understanding of trans"
It may seem ironic but it isn't: sexual and gender orientation are separate entities. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Omg I did it! I came out to a friend and introduced them to Vicky! One small step on a long journey!"
Awesome!!!! 
Well done you.
What did she say? How did you break the ice? |
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We discussed some of the mental health problems I have, a lot of which is brought on by not being true to myself, I said the problem was she didn't know the real me and I needed to introduce her.
She said she was honoured I choose her, ask some minor questions, and agreed to help me progress in telling others.
She also opened up to me about her alternative lifestyle which was great |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"We discussed some of the mental health problems I have, a lot of which is brought on by not being true to myself, I said the problem was she didn't know the real me and I needed to introduce her.
She said she was honoured I choose her, ask some minor questions, and agreed to help me progress in telling others.
She also opened up to me about her alternative lifestyle which was great"
Feels good, doesn’t it? Xxx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It's feels good, but also very strange now someone out there in the real world knows my secret "
You’re on your way.
It’s only a couple of years since I started telling people. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"And you've fully transitioned in that time? Wow!"
Noooooo. Till waiting for my first appointment at the gic.
I went private for laser and to get onto hormones. I’ve persuaded my gp to take over testing and prescribing now.
I changed my name and I’ve been properly full time a good while now. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Ah ok, I'm not thinking of going full time, but having said that, 10 years ago I wouldn't of thought I was going to be who I am now"
I wanted to be many years ago. I gave up. Never thought this would happen. |
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"Ah ok, I'm not thinking of going full time, but having said that, 10 years ago I wouldn't of thought I was going to be who I am now"
just wanted to say we are glad you have taken these steps and our very pleased for you see you soon hun xxx |
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Good luck Vicky in whatever you try and do .its a long road but v worthwhile . I go and do whatever I want now these days. nothing stops me. I havnt gone for the full procedure .I don't feel I need to . I enjoy life and live it to the full . I'm happy with the way things are . enjoy the moment xxxx |
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