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Swinging friendships - would you be ok with this?
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Hi,
I have a situation and I wanted other people's take on it that 'get' swinging. Background is that my partner has done swinging in past relationships and I haven't and I am the more cautious partner. We have been together 4 years and have done some swinging here and there - threesomes with a few male friends, soft play when meeting people we don't previously know in clubs and more recently we have been meeting one lady fairly regularly who my partner has done some swinging/kink play with before I met him. Anyway, she lives about 2 hours drive from where we live and he has a work meeting near her in a few weeks. He suggested that he contact the lady and stay at hers the night before to save him getting up so early on the morning of the meeting. I said no that I was uncomfortable with that - I like to have some sort of friendship with those we swing with but I feel it needs boundaries and him staying at hers overnight etc without me crosses the line for me. I trust him & her not to do anything sexual if he did stay over but thats not really the point for me. He has agreed not to stay there if it makes me uncomfortable but acted like I was ridiculous for not being fine with him staying there. So , I was just wondering how other people on here would feel if they were in my situation? Am I being ridiculous? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Definitely not ridiculous. You're one half of the relationship and the onus is on both of you keeping each other trusted and secure in the other's mind. Him acting like you are being immature or overly paranoid or in any way that shows he doesn't appreciate or understand your insecurity is self-centred on his part. Nothing wrong with you.
As you said, boundaries need to be maintained. That he even thought to suggest staying over individually at a fellow female swinger friend's place away from you to me is already a red flag because what kind of human would not even have the idea cross his or her mind that this is an extremely provocative gesture?
Try to trust him that he's now got the message loud and clear from you and he will keep your trust and love by behaving accordingly on this business trip of his. But speaking from personal experience, it's time you paid attention to your inner gut voice with this wake up call about him in your relationship, even if it might seem at first to be overthinking. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Definitely not ridiculous. You're one half of the relationship and the onus is on both of you keeping each other trusted and secure in the other's mind. Him acting like you are being immature or overly paranoid or in any way that shows he doesn't appreciate or understand your insecurity is self-centred on his part. Nothing wrong with you.
As you said, boundaries need to be maintained. That he even thought to suggest staying over individually at a fellow female swinger friend's place away from you to me is already a red flag because what kind of human would not even have the idea cross his or her mind that this is an extremely provocative gesture?
Try to trust him that he's now got the message loud and clear from you and he will keep your trust and love by behaving accordingly on this business trip of his. But speaking from personal experience, it's time you paid attention to your inner gut voice with this wake up call about him in your relationship, even if it might seem at first to be overthinking. "
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'm not entirely clear about this. If I understand correctly you seem to be saying that you both swing with this lady from time to time but even so you're not friends with her, even though this is one of your prerequisites for a swing partner? If that's the case it sounds as if you haven't been entirely on board about meeting her in the first place and were somehow dragooned into it |
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By *etro1940sCouple
over a year ago
Kingston upon Thames |
When you play as a couple you determine your common boundaries and then you stick to them until such time as you both (if ever) decide otherwise; swinging has a base of trust and respect. It is commonly said that the lady always has the final say - we think that is correct for so many sound reasons. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I'm not entirely clear about this. If I understand correctly you seem to be saying that you both swing with this lady from time to time but even so you're not friends with her, even though this is one of your prerequisites for a swing partner? If that's the case it sounds as if you haven't been entirely on board about meeting her in the first place and were somehow dragooned into it"
Whether the OP is friends with the female swinger friend here in question isn't the point. Point is, said friend had a history in the past with her current partner. Current partner is now daring to suggest putting himself into a very compromising and dangerous situation for the relationship by staying over at the female swinger's place ostensibly on a work trip. Two adults with a mutual past in swinging. Staying alone. If you were the partner of either of them, wouldn't you be even the slightest bit concerned, especially if you have boundaries that you won't ever contemplate any sort of play outside of your relationship alone? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"When you play as a couple you determine your common boundaries and then you stick to them until such time as you both (if ever) decide otherwise; swinging has a base of trust and respect. It is commonly said that the lady always has the final say - we think that is correct for so many sound reasons. "
Beg to differ. In any swinging arrangement depending on who's getting more of the attention the other party is the one who should get the final say, regardless of whether its the male or the female.
Can't imagine a hotwife scenario for example where the husband didn't have the final say on how much he was willing to share his wife with other men! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Hi,
I have a situation and I wanted other people's take on it that 'get' swinging. Background is that my partner has done swinging in past relationships and I haven't and I am the more cautious partner. We have been together 4 years and have done some swinging here and there - threesomes with a few male friends, soft play when meeting people we don't previously know in clubs and more recently we have been meeting one lady fairly regularly who my partner has done some swinging/kink play with before I met him. Anyway, she lives about 2 hours drive from where we live and he has a work meeting near her in a few weeks. He suggested that he contact the lady and stay at hers the night before to save him getting up so early on the morning of the meeting. I said no that I was uncomfortable with that - I like to have some sort of friendship with those we swing with but I feel it needs boundaries and him staying at hers overnight etc without me crosses the line for me. I trust him & her not to do anything sexual if he did stay over but thats not really the point for me. He has agreed not to stay there if it makes me uncomfortable but acted like I was ridiculous for not being fine with him staying there. So , I was just wondering how other people on here would feel if they were in my situation? Am I being ridiculous?"
No,you're in a relationship, that means you and him, if you swing together you swing together, he can't exactly say to her do you mind if I stay at yours but no sex can he , he will ask to see her and she will assume that he's coming for sex but on the other hand trust in any relationship has to be a prerequisite but this life stretches the boundaries of trust because it involves intimacy, I know a couple who swang together and now she doesn't swing and she was totally addicted 24/7 for 2 years but he's still allowed to play on his own and is but I worry because they havnt been in this life long and it is addictive. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Hi,
I have a situation and I wanted other people's take on it that 'get' swinging. Background is that my partner has done swinging in past relationships and I haven't and I am the more cautious partner. We have been together 4 years and have done some swinging here and there - threesomes with a few male friends, soft play when meeting people we don't previously know in clubs and more recently we have been meeting one lady fairly regularly who my partner has done some swinging/kink play with before I met him. Anyway, she lives about 2 hours drive from where we live and he has a work meeting near her in a few weeks. He suggested that he contact the lady and stay at hers the night before to save him getting up so early on the morning of the meeting. I said no that I was uncomfortable with that - I like to have some sort of friendship with those we swing with but I feel it needs boundaries and him staying at hers overnight etc without me crosses the line for me. I trust him & her not to do anything sexual if he did stay over but thats not really the point for me. He has agreed not to stay there if it makes me uncomfortable but acted like I was ridiculous for not being fine with him staying there. So , I was just wondering how other people on here would feel if they were in my situation? Am I being ridiculous?No,you're in a relationship, that means you and him, if you swing together you swing together, he can't exactly say to her do you mind if I stay at yours but no sex can he , he will ask to see her and she will assume that he's coming for sex but on the other hand trust in any relationship has to be a prerequisite but this life stretches the boundaries of trust because it involves intimacy, I know a couple who swang together and now she doesn't swing and she was totally addicted 24/7 for 2 years but he's still allowed to play on his own and is but I worry because they havnt been in this life long and it is addictive. "
Your couple example. I'm calling it, breakup on the horizon within the next two years.
Sounds like a total recipe for disaster. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I'm not entirely clear about this. If I understand correctly you seem to be saying that you both swing with this lady from time to time but even so you're not friends with her, even though this is one of your prerequisites for a swing partner? If that's the case it sounds as if you haven't been entirely on board about meeting her in the first place and were somehow dragooned into it
Whether the OP is friends with the female swinger friend here in question isn't the point. Point is, said friend had a history in the past with her current partner. Current partner is now daring to suggest putting himself into a very compromising and dangerous situation for the relationship by staying over at the female swinger's place ostensibly on a work trip. Two adults with a mutual past in swinging. Staying alone. If you were the partner of either of them, wouldn't you be even the slightest bit concerned, especially if you have boundaries that you won't ever contemplate any sort of play outside of your relationship alone? "
I have never been in a swinging relationship but from what I gather they are all different, for example I often see posts on the forum about people being turned on by their partner spending time alone with someone else. The main thing here is that the OP seems uncomfortable with that and she has communicated this to her partner. How he responds to this will determine how their relationship proceeds. It sounds like the OP is feeling insecure/jealous. I wonder if the male half would feel the same if the OP wanted to spend the night alone with one of the men they've met together? It's a question of discussing boundaries and deciding whether any differences are surmountable |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I'm not entirely clear about this. If I understand correctly you seem to be saying that you both swing with this lady from time to time but even so you're not friends with her, even though this is one of your prerequisites for a swing partner? If that's the case it sounds as if you haven't been entirely on board about meeting her in the first place and were somehow dragooned into it
Whether the OP is friends with the female swinger friend here in question isn't the point. Point is, said friend had a history in the past with her current partner. Current partner is now daring to suggest putting himself into a very compromising and dangerous situation for the relationship by staying over at the female swinger's place ostensibly on a work trip. Two adults with a mutual past in swinging. Staying alone. If you were the partner of either of them, wouldn't you be even the slightest bit concerned, especially if you have boundaries that you won't ever contemplate any sort of play outside of your relationship alone?
I have never been in a swinging relationship but from what I gather they are all different, for example I often see posts on the forum about people being turned on by their partner spending time alone with someone else. The main thing here is that the OP seems uncomfortable with that and she has communicated this to her partner. How he responds to this will determine how their relationship proceeds. It sounds like the OP is feeling insecure/jealous. I wonder if the male half would feel the same if the OP wanted to spend the night alone with one of the men they've met together? It's a question of discussing boundaries and deciding whether any differences are surmountable"
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Staying the night with someone is very different territory to meeting to play then going your separate ways. If your agreed boundary is that you take that step change with your meets together, then it seems fair to me to say you're not happy with it.
Swinging is about being respectful of each other, not acting like you're doing your crazy partner a favour by not doing something you think is fine. |
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Seems a lack of trust. He has said he won’t go because it upsets you so he’s done nothing wrong. Does he know you have another profile on here? I’m sure he won’t be too pleased you have brought this up in a public place even though it sounds like you have already dealt with the situation. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If I can speak absolutely candid and open regarding my opinion as the female half?
If my hubby even suggested such a thing I would literally chop his cock off as he slept. But, if he was to acuse me of being “ridiculous” for feeling insecure and insulted at such a suggestion, we’ll lets just say I would have no choice but to enjoy eating porridge and peeling spuds for the next 25 years!
My advice is talk to your hubby and express your concerns and lay down some ground rules, and if he doesn’t like them or there is no compromise, quit swinging x |
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Ultimately it doesn't really matter what others think, it's about your relationship and where your boundaries lie. When I was on here as half of a couple our rule was that if we weren't both keen on something or someone it didn't happen, no arguments or ill feelings. If you've said it makes you uncomfortable hopefully he'll respect that and not sulk. |
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Go with your gut feeling and stick to your guns.
Don't let him try to gaslight/guilt trip you into feeling you are being unreasonable, because you are not.
Also call me cynical but it seems a bit of a coincidence that his "work trip" is over her way.
Hope it works out for you OP.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Go with your gut feeling and stick to your guns.
Don't let him try to gaslight/guilt trip you into feeling you are being unreasonable, because you are not.
Also call me cynical but it seems a bit of a coincidence that his "work trip" is over her way.
Hope it works out for you OP.
"
ok miss cynical...... You said I could call you it |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Seems strange you have your own profile where you can act anonymously. Does that mean your partner doesn't know about it?
If that's the case, then there are issues in your relationship. |
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OP ..they have obviously talked about this ... so to me it sounds like a plan .... dont let him make you think your going crazy ...
Women's intuition is usually right ....
Have you spoken to the lady about it ?.
Or haven't you been involved
I think id be really mad. |
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By *litterbabeWoman
over a year ago
hiding from cock pics. |
As a couple it's very important that you agree boundaries that you are both comfortable with and if you are not comfortable with something it doesn't actually matter what anybody else thinks if they are not involved in your primary relationship.
Your partner should respect your feelings.
I can completely understand why you feel him staying there is a step too far, but it's nothing whatsoever to do with me. |
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Your feelings about this are not ridiculous. If you are asking us for confirmation that your opinion on this is valid then you're already doubting yourself. Get your personal boundaries clear in your mind, explain them to your partner and renegotiate your joint boundaries. If he continues to ridicule your feelings (which to me smacks of attempting to make you change your mind) suggest that you stop swinging altogether until you can agree without emotional coercion. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Your feelings about this are not ridiculous. If you are asking us for confirmation that your opinion on this is valid then you're already doubting yourself. Get your personal boundaries clear in your mind, explain them to your partner and renegotiate your joint boundaries. If he continues to ridicule your feelings (which to me smacks of attempting to make you change your mind) suggest that you stop swinging altogether until you can agree without emotional coercion."
100% this x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"... I trust him & her not to do anything sexual if he did stay over but thats not really the point for me. He has agreed not to stay there if it makes me uncomfortable but acted like I was ridiculous for not being fine with him staying there..."
You trust them not to do anything sexual but feel uncomfortable.
Relationships are not just about sexual though are they. In what way do you see her as a threat is the question that comes to mind?
If he was staying at a mates house I doubt you would have any problems with this at all. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I would prefer the general guidelines are for both partners to have the final say....my female partner has wanted to play in situations but I declined which was bottom line...x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"If I can speak absolutely candid and open regarding my opinion as the female half?
If my hubby even suggested such a thing I would literally chop his cock off as he slept. But, if he was to acuse me of being “ridiculous” for feeling insecure and insulted at such a suggestion, we’ll lets just say I would have no choice but to enjoy eating porridge and peeling spuds for the next 25 years!
My advice is talk to your hubby and express your concerns and lay down some ground rules, and if he doesn’t like them or there is no compromise, quit swinging x "
I really feel like I know you. That’s exactly what Mrs Z would not only say but also do......!
She’s fine with me having sex in swinging world but forget the huggy huggy alone thing with other women. She observes or I can go alone but then I need to come straight home to her.
I remember a few years we were at a swinging party in a hotel room and we just swapped with another couple. The female half and I had a mutual work interest and we discussed whilst soaping ourselves in the hotel room shower. Mrs Z let’s iust say has her limits.... |
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Obviously everyone has their own boundaries and no one is "wrong" for conducting their relationship in ways that suit them.
Having said that, I struggle with some of the views expressed here. Is your relationship really threatened if someone your partner has sex with is also their friend? |
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I think asking "would you be ok with this?" is the wrong question.
"I'm not ok with this but my partner thinks I should be and am ridiculous because I'm not. What should I do?" might be better.
Some people would be ok with it but just because they are doesn't mean you should be. |
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At least he is being upfront with you op,he could easily lie and meet up with her and not say...
However,its its making you uncomfortable I think he should reconsider maybe.
Is it because he has prev played with her ?
Miss |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Obviously everyone has their own boundaries and no one is "wrong" for conducting their relationship in ways that suit them.
Having said that, I struggle with some of the views expressed here. Is your relationship really threatened if someone your partner has sex with is also their friend? "
When it violates the boundaries set by one partner about not wanting either party in the relationship to play on their own? Definitely YES.
Do boundaries mean nothing to you? To pervert a famous quote from John Wick: It's not who you fucked with man, it's how you went about doing it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Don’t try and change who your partner is. Accept their friends as it is their friends. Jealousy is the wrong thing to have in a relationship and definitely not in swinging.
If you don’t trust them, they are the wrong person for you. And trust is the issue.
No trust is don’t swing or it will eat you up |
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Well you haven't really expressed what your concerns are. You say that there need to be boundaries, which i agree with, but you haven't really explained why the boundaries need to be set there and what exactly is making you uncomfortable.
When we started swinging, an overnight stay was unimaginable. Now we've done it. I guess we'd been swinging for 4 years when we first did it. If we went back in time then we still wouldn't do it in the first 2 years, but boundaries can shift so it's important to explain why they are set where they are |
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If something in swinging makes you uncomfortable or feel pressured your opinion is valid and matters.. End of story.
If the wife turns to me and says this isn't working right now. I don't ask i don't question i get her to where she wants to be and then we talk as she would with me.
Our relationship is always my first concern. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Well you haven't really expressed what your concerns are. You say that there need to be boundaries, which i agree with, but you haven't really explained why the boundaries need to be set there and what exactly is making you uncomfortable.
When we started swinging, an overnight stay was unimaginable. Now we've done it. I guess we'd been swinging for 4 years when we first did it. If we went back in time then we still wouldn't do it in the first 2 years, but boundaries can shift so it's important to explain why they are set where they are "
Actually she has. She's made it quite clear that her partner's arranged to stay over at a fuckbuddy's house whilst ostensibly on a 'work trip' away from her. A fuckbuddy that had a prior history of swinging with her partner before she herself came along. And that she has boundaries whereby no separate play should ever happen. And what does her partner do in response? Try to gaslight her into thinking she's being ridiculous in having even the slightest twinge of worry and insecurity about him going to a past/present fuckbuddy's house and just them two staying in the same house overnight. Like, what do you expect to happen, them play fucking Scrabble or sleep in separate rooms?
Seen too much stuff like this happen in the past with swinging friends. They never end well, because all this pretext and making things sound purely innocent is often just to soften the blow that most surely follows up afterwards. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"If something in swinging makes you uncomfortable or feel pressured your opinion is valid and matters.. End of story.
If the wife turns to me and says this isn't working right now. I don't ask i don't question i get her to where she wants to be and then we talk as she would with me.
Our relationship is always my first concern. "
I raise a salute to you. That's how anyone who is swinging as a couple should always act and behave to each other! Or rather, any couple that takes their vows seriously! |
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"Well you haven't really expressed what your concerns are. You say that there need to be boundaries, which i agree with, but you haven't really explained why the boundaries need to be set there and what exactly is making you uncomfortable.
When we started swinging, an overnight stay was unimaginable. Now we've done it. I guess we'd been swinging for 4 years when we first did it. If we went back in time then we still wouldn't do it in the first 2 years, but boundaries can shift so it's important to explain why they are set where they are
Actually she has. She's made it quite clear that her partner's arranged to stay over at a fuckbuddy's house whilst ostensibly on a 'work trip' away from her. A fuckbuddy that had a prior history of swinging with her partner before she herself came along. And that she has boundaries whereby no separate play should ever happen. And what does her partner do in response? Try to gaslight her into thinking she's being ridiculous in having even the slightest twinge of worry and insecurity about him going to a past/present fuckbuddy's house and just them two staying in the same house overnight. Like, what do you expect to happen, them play fucking Scrabble or sleep in separate rooms?
Seen too much stuff like this happen in the past with swinging friends. They never end well, because all this pretext and making things sound purely innocent is often just to soften the blow that most surely follows up afterwards. "
I can't see anywhere she said playing separately was out of the question? Sorry if I missed it. Yeah i agree they'd fuck if he stayed there. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
I can't see anywhere she said playing separately was out of the question? Sorry if I missed it. Yeah i agree they'd fuck if he stayed there. "
Go read the original first post carefully again.
"Background is that my partner has done swinging in past relationships and I haven't and I am the more cautious partner..."
"threesomes with a few male friends, soft play when meeting people we don't previously know in clubs and more recently we have been meeting one lady fairly regularly who my partner has done some swinging/kink play with before I met him..."
"I said no that I was uncomfortable with that - I like to have some sort of friendship with those we swing with but I feel it needs boundaries and him staying at hers overnight etc without me crosses the line for me..."
Sounds like someone comfortable with playing separately or even entertaining that as a potential possibility?
Not to mention this killer line here that you basically just shot down in flames with your quip "Yeah i agree they'd fuck if he stayed there."
"I trust him & her not to do anything sexual if he did stay over but thats not really the point for me. He has agreed not to stay there if it makes me uncomfortable but acted like I was ridiculous for not being fine with him staying there..."
If all this doesn't set alarm bells ringing, I don't know what will. |
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I can't see anywhere she said playing separately was out of the question? Sorry if I missed it. Yeah i agree they'd fuck if he stayed there.
Go read the original first post carefully again.
"Background is that my partner has done swinging in past relationships and I haven't and I am the more cautious partner..."
"threesomes with a few male friends, soft play when meeting people we don't previously know in clubs and more recently we have been meeting one lady fairly regularly who my partner has done some swinging/kink play with before I met him..."
"I said no that I was uncomfortable with that - I like to have some sort of friendship with those we swing with but I feel it needs boundaries and him staying at hers overnight etc without me crosses the line for me..."
Sounds like someone comfortable with playing separately or even entertaining that as a potential possibility?
Not to mention this killer line here that you basically just shot down in flames with your quip "Yeah i agree they'd fuck if he stayed there."
"I trust him & her not to do anything sexual if he did stay over but thats not really the point for me. He has agreed not to stay there if it makes me uncomfortable but acted like I was ridiculous for not being fine with him staying there..."
If all this doesn't set alarm bells ringing, I don't know what will. "
I never said there wasn't a reason in existence, just that it isn't there in the OP. None of that says they don't play separately at all. If they don't then it's pretty straight forward that he shouldn't stay over. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
I can't see anywhere she said playing separately was out of the question? Sorry if I missed it. Yeah i agree they'd fuck if he stayed there.
Go read the original first post carefully again.
"Background is that my partner has done swinging in past relationships and I haven't and I am the more cautious partner..."
"threesomes with a few male friends, soft play when meeting people we don't previously know in clubs and more recently we have been meeting one lady fairly regularly who my partner has done some swinging/kink play with before I met him..."
"I said no that I was uncomfortable with that - I like to have some sort of friendship with those we swing with but I feel it needs boundaries and him staying at hers overnight etc without me crosses the line for me..."
Sounds like someone comfortable with playing separately or even entertaining that as a potential possibility?
Not to mention this killer line here that you basically just shot down in flames with your quip "Yeah i agree they'd fuck if he stayed there."
"I trust him & her not to do anything sexual if he did stay over but thats not really the point for me. He has agreed not to stay there if it makes me uncomfortable but acted like I was ridiculous for not being fine with him staying there..."
If all this doesn't set alarm bells ringing, I don't know what will.
I never said there wasn't a reason in existence, just that it isn't there in the OP. None of that says they don't play separately at all. If they don't then it's pretty straight forward that he shouldn't stay over. "
You don't know how to draw the dots and read implications? Let's say OP IS ACTUALLY OK with separate play. Why'd she kick a fuss up about her partner staying ALONE SEPARATELY AWAY FROM HER with a female fuckbuddy at HER PLACE?
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I've recently started a relationship with a swinger, My fella has been seeing a fwb for 3 months previously to us getting together I explained that I'm not comfortable with it and no it's not about jealousy; it's about respect. He can go out and give his body to 100 women and I wouldn't bat an eyelid; but if he's giving his mind and thier sharing special moments together other than in the bedroom then 100% in not down for that; when I explained it, he was cool. Every swinging relationship is different and every swinger has they're own boundaries. Just need to keep having very open and honest conversations; it could just be that that scenario in a previous relationship was acceptable which is why he seemed shocked; Although I would say that once boundaries/ limits have been discussed/explained/agreed; if they are then subsequently broken 100% need to be prepared to walk away x |
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By *eithoWoman
over a year ago
Chatham |
‘him staying at hers overnight etc without me crosses the line for me’
End of story. Mutual respect and adhering to boundaries is fundamental to ANY relationship, no just swinging ones. It might’ve been helpful to discuss exactly what you are and are not comfortable with before embarking on this journey, but it can be difficult to anticipate every possible scenario that might arise. Now you’ve discussed it, it’s clear it’s not appropriate or comfortable for you so it shouldn’t need further discussion. If he’s putting you first (as any decent partner should) your feelings on the matter should be paramount.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Not sure if the OP is being entirely open in the opening post as to what her concern is. There has been some "wink wink nudge nudge of course they are going to sleep together" comments from various contributors but the OP was quite clear that she trusts that nothing sexual is going to take place. So at face value it will be an evening of scrabble and sleeping in separate rooms.
Setting boundaries is always easier if you can be really open and clear with your partner why you are uncomfortable. |
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"Not sure if the OP is being entirely open in the opening post as to what her concern is. There has been some "wink wink nudge nudge of course they are going to sleep together" comments from various contributors but the OP was quite clear that she trusts that nothing sexual is going to take place. So at face value it will be an evening of scrabble and sleeping in separate rooms.
Setting boundaries is always easier if you can be really open and clear with your partner why you are uncomfortable."
How pissed off would you be if your girlfriend stopped you from going to a game of scrabble? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Not sure if the OP is being entirely open in the opening post as to what her concern is. There has been some "wink wink nudge nudge of course they are going to sleep together" comments from various contributors but the OP was quite clear that she trusts that nothing sexual is going to take place. So at face value it will be an evening of scrabble and sleeping in separate rooms.
Setting boundaries is always easier if you can be really open and clear with your partner why you are uncomfortable.
How pissed off would you be if your girlfriend stopped you from going to a game of scrabble? "
If it was just a friend then it would not arise. But in a similar situation to the OP if she said "I am uncomfortable with you spending time alone with her because of your past together" I would understand and respect that. |
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By *picy2Couple
over a year ago
essex |
"Hi,
I have a situation and I wanted other people's take on it that 'get' swinging. Background is that my partner has done swinging in past relationships and I haven't and I am the more cautious partner. We have been together 4 years and have done some swinging here and there - threesomes with a few male friends, soft play when meeting people we don't previously know in clubs and more recently we have been meeting one lady fairly regularly who my partner has done some swinging/kink play with before I met him. Anyway, she lives about 2 hours drive from where we live and he has a work meeting near her in a few weeks. He suggested that he contact the lady and stay at hers the night before to save him getting up so early on the morning of the meeting. I said no that I was uncomfortable with that - I like to have some sort of friendship with those we swing with but I feel it needs boundaries and him staying at hers overnight etc without me crosses the line for me. I trust him & her not to do anything sexual if he did stay over but thats not really the point for me. He has agreed not to stay there if it makes me uncomfortable but acted like I was ridiculous for not being fine with him staying there. So , I was just wondering how other people on here would feel if they were in my situation? Am I being ridiculous?"
Agree with you completely, no way not happening , boundaries are there for a reason |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"If something in swinging makes you uncomfortable or feel pressured your opinion is valid and matters.. End of story.
If the wife turns to me and says this isn't working right now. I don't ask i don't question i get her to where she wants to be and then we talk as she would with me.
Our relationship is always my first concern. "
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Well, this has turned into a really interesting thread! Thank you all so much who have contributed and for the supportive messages and discussion. The many reassurances that I was not being ridiculous is greatly appreciated – one of my main weaknesses is that I have a tendency to doubt myself – I am way better than I used to be but its still there and sometimes I just need to check out how I’m feeling with others and this is the only place I can ask other swingers anonymously – obviously if I told any of my good friends (none of whom swing or understand it) they would be horrified and I wanted to make sure I was getting the perspective of people who understand swinging.
I realise there are some points that people rasied which I could clarify but despite the anonymous profile I don’t want to go into any more detail in case the situation becomes recognizable to someone reading – this is highly unlikely but you never know.
I appreciate that he will honor my feelings in this and not go to stay over there but what’s stayed with me is his reaction/attitude of suggesting that I was being ridiculous, insecure, starting his response with ‘I can’t believe you would object’ or something like that , accusations that I don’t trust him etc– yes – sent my alarm bells ringing! However, I have given him the benefit of the doubt and put it down to him being a bit dense and bungling about these things at the moment and also his past history of being in open relationships where I get the impression that that type of situation would have been acceptable. Being able to discuss it here and get others perspectives allows me to be more prepared and confident in my response to him if another such incident should arise.
I feel if you are going to swing as the more inexperienced and/or cautious partner with someone who is more into it than you are, you need to be coming from a strong place so you don’t just go along with things to please them. Being able to ask questions such as this here helps me to have more confidence in my own feelings as I navigate this new (for me) terrain of swinging. I feel there is a real danger of me going along with things because he wants to do it and I don’t feel this is healthy for a relationship long term as eventually it would lead to resentment. I need to do only what I also want to do for myself not just because I feel guilty for saying no (after being gas-lighted or otherwise made to feel bad) or under pressure from him.
To the few people who pointed out that there may be something amiss in the relationship – well yes, clearly there is or I wouldn’t be posting here looking for input and trying to figure this out. Our in depth, honest conversations would have sorted it out. But, aside from the issue I initially posted about the issue is the swinging, with him very much wanting to push my boundaries at a time when I have another very difficult circumstance (health related) going on when really, I just need some TLC from a loving partner and a break from swinging and pressure for a while. He is not really accepting that despite me saying very clearly and bluntly how I feel and despite him always saying from the beginning that our relationship came first and that if I decided swinging wasn’t for me he would understand. I feel very sad as he is really good in so many other ways and we have both been really good for each other the last 4 years. I think we will sort it out in the end, it is a difficult time for us at the moment, so I can but carry on for now and see how it goes. Thanks again for all the input everyone xx
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Well you haven't really expressed what your concerns are. You say that there need to be boundaries, which i agree with, but you haven't really explained why the boundaries need to be set there and what exactly is making you uncomfortable.
When we started swinging, an overnight stay was unimaginable. Now we've done it. I guess we'd been swinging for 4 years when we first did it. If we went back in time then we still wouldn't do it in the first 2 years, but boundaries can shift so it's important to explain why they are set where they are
Actually she has. She's made it quite clear that her partner's arranged to stay over at a fuckbuddy's house whilst ostensibly on a 'work trip' away from her. A fuckbuddy that had a prior history of swinging with her partner before she herself came along. And that she has boundaries whereby no separate play should ever happen. And what does her partner do in response? Try to gaslight her into thinking she's being ridiculous in having even the slightest twinge of worry and insecurity about him going to a past/present fuckbuddy's house and just them two staying in the same house overnight. Like, what do you expect to happen, them play fucking Scrabble or sleep in separate rooms?
Seen too much stuff like this happen in the past with swinging friends. They never end well, because all this pretext and making things sound purely innocent is often just to soften the blow that most surely follows up afterwards. "
You were cheated on recently weren't you Ides? Maybe you should take a step back from advising people on their relationships until you can distinguish between their relationship and yours |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Well you haven't really expressed what your concerns are. You say that there need to be boundaries, which i agree with, but you haven't really explained why the boundaries need to be set there and what exactly is making you uncomfortable.
When we started swinging, an overnight stay was unimaginable. Now we've done it. I guess we'd been swinging for 4 years when we first did it. If we went back in time then we still wouldn't do it in the first 2 years, but boundaries can shift so it's important to explain why they are set where they are
Actually she has. She's made it quite clear that her partner's arranged to stay over at a fuckbuddy's house whilst ostensibly on a 'work trip' away from her. A fuckbuddy that had a prior history of swinging with her partner before she herself came along. And that she has boundaries whereby no separate play should ever happen. And what does her partner do in response? Try to gaslight her into thinking she's being ridiculous in having even the slightest twinge of worry and insecurity about him going to a past/present fuckbuddy's house and just them two staying in the same house overnight. Like, what do you expect to happen, them play fucking Scrabble or sleep in separate rooms?
Seen too much stuff like this happen in the past with swinging friends. They never end well, because all this pretext and making things sound purely innocent is often just to soften the blow that most surely follows up afterwards.
You were cheated on recently weren't you Ides? Maybe you should take a step back from advising people on their relationships until you can distinguish between their relationship and yours"
Yes I've recently been cheated on. Yes, that means I can see such patterns and pick up such red flags a lot better. Don't come and tell me I shouldn't be giving advice when I see so many parallels between OP's story now and what happened in my life. One more person I can save from getting hurt is always worth it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Well you haven't really expressed what your concerns are. You say that there need to be boundaries, which i agree with, but you haven't really explained why the boundaries need to be set there and what exactly is making you uncomfortable.
When we started swinging, an overnight stay was unimaginable. Now we've done it. I guess we'd been swinging for 4 years when we first did it. If we went back in time then we still wouldn't do it in the first 2 years, but boundaries can shift so it's important to explain why they are set where they are
Actually she has. She's made it quite clear that her partner's arranged to stay over at a fuckbuddy's house whilst ostensibly on a 'work trip' away from her. A fuckbuddy that had a prior history of swinging with her partner before she herself came along. And that she has boundaries whereby no separate play should ever happen. And what does her partner do in response? Try to gaslight her into thinking she's being ridiculous in having even the slightest twinge of worry and insecurity about him going to a past/present fuckbuddy's house and just them two staying in the same house overnight. Like, what do you expect to happen, them play fucking Scrabble or sleep in separate rooms?
Seen too much stuff like this happen in the past with swinging friends. They never end well, because all this pretext and making things sound purely innocent is often just to soften the blow that most surely follows up afterwards.
You were cheated on recently weren't you Ides? Maybe you should take a step back from advising people on their relationships until you can distinguish between their relationship and yours
Yes I've recently been cheated on. Yes, that means I can see such patterns and pick up such red flags a lot better. Don't come and tell me I shouldn't be giving advice when I see so many parallels between OP's story now and what happened in my life. One more person I can save from getting hurt is always worth it. "
Just saying. You may not be entirely neutral and unbiased here. Which is understandable. But maybe you see red flags everywhere now. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Sounds like your not really into the whole thing anymore, if you were at all but he doesn't want to let go yet. I don't feel qualified to offer any advice other than stand your ground about what you want to do.xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Well you haven't really expressed what your concerns are. You say that there need to be boundaries, which i agree with, but you haven't really explained why the boundaries need to be set there and what exactly is making you uncomfortable.
When we started swinging, an overnight stay was unimaginable. Now we've done it. I guess we'd been swinging for 4 years when we first did it. If we went back in time then we still wouldn't do it in the first 2 years, but boundaries can shift so it's important to explain why they are set where they are
Actually she has. She's made it quite clear that her partner's arranged to stay over at a fuckbuddy's house whilst ostensibly on a 'work trip' away from her. A fuckbuddy that had a prior history of swinging with her partner before she herself came along. And that she has boundaries whereby no separate play should ever happen. And what does her partner do in response? Try to gaslight her into thinking she's being ridiculous in having even the slightest twinge of worry and insecurity about him going to a past/present fuckbuddy's house and just them two staying in the same house overnight. Like, what do you expect to happen, them play fucking Scrabble or sleep in separate rooms?
Seen too much stuff like this happen in the past with swinging friends. They never end well, because all this pretext and making things sound purely innocent is often just to soften the blow that most surely follows up afterwards.
You were cheated on recently weren't you Ides? Maybe you should take a step back from advising people on their relationships until you can distinguish between their relationship and yours
Yes I've recently been cheated on. Yes, that means I can see such patterns and pick up such red flags a lot better. Don't come and tell me I shouldn't be giving advice when I see so many parallels between OP's story now and what happened in my life. One more person I can save from getting hurt is always worth it. "
People always have to make their own mistakes though. Even when they can see it themselves things sometimes just have to play out to the end. |
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By *ineMan
over a year ago
In cave behind a waterfall on a hill |
Relationships always work in two directions OP.
If your not happy with the situation then you need to talk to the other, that's the only way to find a solution, or at least seek one.
We all make our own choices, and sometimes they work out sometimes they don't.....sometimes our choices break relationships. Your feelings are important to you, ignoring them is not a solution.
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Hello me and partner started swinging about 18 months ago and am happy to say struck up some great friendships on here. we have come across this and both found no problem. We trust each other completely. To be swinging as a couple you have to have trust. we are both happy for other to play alone or together. At the end of the day you have to be happy with your situation or else swinging isn't for you, you are both you own person and no ones to share, as long as you are confident in yourself and your partnership you shouldn't have a problem.
All the best Emily x |
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