FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swinging Support and Advice > One final ask for help.
One final ask for help.
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I’m at a point now where I’m struggling. During foreply and even intercourse together we love role playing having others with us, I have repeatedly spoken to Katy about how I want to see her pleasured by others and watch her be fucked and so on. And DURING sex she loves the idea, hence why we joined here and we both chat and participate in pictures and things but I’m now far enough in to say I want to take the plunge and go for a meet and Katy is reserved, to say the least. She says she “doesn’t know” and what if “someone knows us” so I suggested a meet not local so there was no chance of this. She won’t tell me that she does t want to do it, which if she did I’d completely respect and move on and given how hard she cums during playing over the idea she seems to want to experience it but does t have the confidence.
Does anyone have advice for getting her over the line and actually organising a meeting? Books to help with confidence or easing her fears or anything like that?
Any help appreciated.
Xx |
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This is so tricky... There are tonnes of things I think are hot in the heat of the moment and we may talk about but they are just fantasy.
It's a fine line between fantasies you want to become realities and those you actually just don't.
I'm not sure you can do much other than reassure her but accept that maybe she won't want to take this any further. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"This is so tricky... There are tonnes of things I think are hot in the heat of the moment and we may talk about but they are just fantasy.
It's a fine line between fantasies you want to become realities and those you actually just don't.
I'm not sure you can do much other than reassure her but accept that maybe she won't want to take this any further. "
That is the conclusion I am coming too, that Mayby she doesn’t want to take it further but when I ask her about it she won’t give me a solid answer, I’ve tried to make clear as possible I’m happy with either decision she makes as when we joined here it was a joint decision and every decision we made would be for us both. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Fantasy and reality are two different things. Why not just enjoy the fantasy if it gets her off?"
I do, hugely. But I also struggling a little with why if she doesn’t want to go further she can’t bring herself to say it?  |
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"This is so tricky... There are tonnes of things I think are hot in the heat of the moment and we may talk about but they are just fantasy.
It's a fine line between fantasies you want to become realities and those you actually just don't.
I'm not sure you can do much other than reassure her but accept that maybe she won't want to take this any further.
That is the conclusion I am coming too, that Mayby she doesn’t want to take it further but when I ask her about it she won’t give me a solid answer, I’ve tried to make clear as possible I’m happy with either decision she makes as when we joined here it was a joint decision and every decision we made would be for us both. "
She might not want to disappoint you... It's tough to face the fact you might not want to be part of something that you partner loves the idea of. May feel like anything else now won't compare.
Just speculation. Keep talking |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"If she doesn't want to do it, don't push her. "
I never would dream of trying to push her to do anything, we joined here together and agreed all decisions would be joint, just I wish I could get a solid answer, I fear that she is worried about people not wanting her or liking her or it being awkward which is why I’m trying to Mayby get her reading books on experiences, but preferably ones that aren’t corny if you get me. Or just accept it won’t happen and enjoy what we’ve had? X |
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"Fantasy and reality are two different things. Why not just enjoy the fantasy if it gets her off?
I do, hugely. But I also struggling a little with why if she doesn’t want to go further she can’t bring herself to say it? "
Because she knows it's something you're quite adamant/pushy about* from the sounds of it and doesn't want to upset/disappoint you?
*From status updates/your profile/this post. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"This is so tricky... There are tonnes of things I think are hot in the heat of the moment and we may talk about but they are just fantasy.
It's a fine line between fantasies you want to become realities and those you actually just don't.
I'm not sure you can do much other than reassure her but accept that maybe she won't want to take this any further.
That is the conclusion I am coming too, that Mayby she doesn’t want to take it further but when I ask her about it she won’t give me a solid answer, I’ve tried to make clear as possible I’m happy with either decision she makes as when we joined here it was a joint decision and every decision we made would be for us both.
She might not want to disappoint you... It's tough to face the fact you might not want to be part of something that you partner loves the idea of. May feel like anything else now won't compare.
Just speculation. Keep talking "
Also a fact that I’m thinking could be true. thank you. X |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Fantasy and reality are two different things. Why not just enjoy the fantasy if it gets her off?
I do, hugely. But I also struggling a little with why if she doesn’t want to go further she can’t bring herself to say it? "
because she knows how invested in this you are and she doesn't want to burst your balloon. She's scared that if she hammers that final nail in, she'll lose you or you'll go off and do it behind her back anyway... |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Fantasy and reality are two different things. Why not just enjoy the fantasy if it gets her off?
I do, hugely. But I also struggling a little with why if she doesn’t want to go further she can’t bring herself to say it?
because she knows how invested in this you are and she doesn't want to burst your balloon. She's scared that if she hammers that final nail in, she'll lose you or you'll go off and do it behind her back anyway..."
Think I just needed a few people to confirm it for me. Thank you. X |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Fantasy and reality are two different things. Why not just enjoy the fantasy if it gets her off?
I do, hugely. But I also struggling a little with why if she doesn’t want to go further she can’t bring herself to say it?
Because she knows it's something you're quite adamant/pushy about* from the sounds of it and doesn't want to upset/disappoint you?
*From status updates/your profile/this post."
Very blunt way of putting it again, but yes, thank you, I think I agree just Mayby needed to hear/ read it from others. Thank you. X |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I would very genuinely suggest deleting your profile and putting the ball in her court to reinstate if she would like to at some point. "
Think I may try that, thank you. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Also the fact that you're pushing for a "solid answer". Consent is consent is consent. As a trusted and loved partner, surely a 'no' should be enough?"
I think pushing for a solid answer was a wrong way to word from me, just when we’ve got to point of on, shall we arrange a meet I get shrug of shoulders or I don’t know, which suggest to me a lack of confidence which she has always had and part reason we joined here so we could help each other’s confidence and she has a lot of people complimenting her x |
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"Also the fact that you're pushing for a "solid answer". Consent is consent is consent. As a trusted and loved partner, surely a 'no' should be enough?
I think pushing for a solid answer was a wrong way to word from me, just when we’ve got to point of on, shall we arrange a meet I get shrug of shoulders or I don’t know, which suggest to me a lack of confidence which she has always had and part reason we joined here so we could help each other’s confidence and she has a lot of people complimenting her x "
Best of luck to you both. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Also the fact that you're pushing for a "solid answer". Consent is consent is consent. As a trusted and loved partner, surely a 'no' should be enough?
I think pushing for a solid answer was a wrong way to word from me, just when we’ve got to point of on, shall we arrange a meet I get shrug of shoulders or I don’t know, which suggest to me a lack of confidence which she has always had and part reason we joined here so we could help each other’s confidence and she has a lot of people complimenting her x
Best of luck to you both. "
Thank you.
However much i don’t want to admit it I think coupleneed has the best option and go from there. X |
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"This is so tricky... There are tonnes of things I think are hot in the heat of the moment and we may talk about but they are just fantasy.
It's a fine line between fantasies you want to become realities and those you actually just don't.
I'm not sure you can do much other than reassure her but accept that maybe she won't want to take this any further.
That is the conclusion I am coming too, that Mayby she doesn’t want to take it further but when I ask her about it she won’t give me a solid answer, I’ve tried to make clear as possible I’m happy with either decision she makes as when we joined here it was a joint decision and every decision we made would be for us both. "
How much does she use the site or profile though? That should give you some idea of how keen she actually is.
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"Also the fact that you're pushing for a "solid answer". Consent is consent is consent. As a trusted and loved partner, surely a 'no' should be enough?
I think pushing for a solid answer was a wrong way to word from me, just when we’ve got to point of on, shall we arrange a meet I get shrug of shoulders or I don’t know, which suggest to me a lack of confidence which she has always had and part reason we joined here so we could help each other’s confidence and she has a lot of people complimenting her x
Best of luck to you both.
Thank you.
However much i don’t want to admit it I think coupleneed has the best option and go from there. X"
Good luck X |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I (fem) am so nervous before a meet, especially with a new person, but I know once it starts I will love it. All I can advise is, if she likes the look of the guy just go for it. Make sure she can trust u to send the others away if she becomes unhappy at any point. Tell the others she is nervous, don't force it. If u arrange a meet ensure they understand its her first time and that there is no guarantee it will go ahead. If they r still willing that's good, if not then they can f off. Make sure you meet when you and they all have at least a couple hours so no time pressure to get on with it. You take the lead, agree a signal with her if she wants to send them away if changes her mind and make sure she can trust that u will do that. When, in the meet, u feel the small talk has gone on long enough, invite her to sit between u (we always start with me sat off to the side so the other person isn't too close that they can touch me until I'm comfortable). If she responds and comes over it's a go, if she doesn't then that means it isn't and she can make an excuse to leave room and u follow to check on her. Either arrange a social with someone she feels half happy about and make it strictly a social then arrange another meet if she wants, or arrange a social that could lead somewhere there and then if she's happy, but she doesn't have to feel pressured for it to lead somewhere. Hope that helps  |
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I agree with most of the answers you've already received. Quite often men (possibly women too) become so focussed on a fantasy that they don't realise how much pressure they're putting on their partner. What your partner is hearing is "You're not enough for me" even if that's not what you mean. Also its possible that you're more open, loving and talkative in your efforts to encourage her to join you in this fantasy and she fears that if she refuses that will come to an end.
Best of luck to both of you |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I agree with most of the answers you've already received. Quite often men (possibly women too) become so focussed on a fantasy that they don't realise how much pressure they're putting on their partner. What your partner is hearing is "You're not enough for me" even if that's not what you mean. Also its possible that you're more open, loving and talkative in your efforts to encourage her to join you in this fantasy and she fears that if she refuses that will come to an end.
Best of luck to both of you"
Thank you. X |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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You sound desperate and it sounds as though you are pressurising her. These are the last things you should be doing.
I would suggest going to a club (Chameleons in Darlaston) and suggest you go and merely spectate with no pressure of playing whatsoever!
You may find that she likes it, if so then fantastic, but either way you must not pressurise and you must respect her decision!
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
My suggestion to you would be to take a step back - don't mention it, or make suggestions, nothing. See if she brings the idea up again, and be prepared to accept that she might not.
If she does discuss openly and honestly with her why you think it would be a good addition to your life, what fears and trepidation she has, and take it at her pace not yours - attending a group social for instance might be a good "toe dipper" or going to a club where you agree beforehand that you're just going to watch and maybe play with each other if it feels right to do so.
But for now - take it off the agenda completely unless she mentions it - from the way you've posted here it sounds very much to me that this is all about you and not both of you, and for it to work it has to be about both of you. |
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"Does she have any body confidence issues ?
Yes "
This is enough to stop someone being able to enjoy something they would like to try.
They may want to experiment but the fear of being the unattractive one in the group and you prefering someone with a better looking body than her and watching you enjoy someone more than you enjoy her body.
She may be gorgeous and stunning to you and others but she might not feel that way herself and feeling like a sympathy fuck isn't fun and sexy.
She might feel she is going to be disappointing to anyone she meets and you.
We can all stick our best pics online but in person you can't mask the areas that you desperately don't want others to see.
It might be a contributing factor.
The fact she is into it during the moment and responsive to suggestions from you shows an interest but if it's a body confidence problem it will make her feel on a different level to all the gorgeous looking people on a swinging site.
If you don't feel gorgeous yourself you wouldn't put yourself naked next to people that are gorgeous in your eyes , being a disappointment to you and whom you both meet could be the thing that's mostly on her mind.
X
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We were just the same, we got past it by going to a club, we agreed to just watch and talk to people. Once relaxed we got chatting to a lovely couple who, knowing we were new, let us take things at our pace and we ended up with some soft play that we really enjoyed, the rest as they say is history !!... but you must talk and tell each other how you are feeling... good luck |
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"Also the fact that you're pushing for a "solid answer". Consent is consent is consent. As a trusted and loved partner, surely a 'no' should be enough?
I think pushing for a solid answer was a wrong way to word from me, just when we’ve got to point of on, shall we arrange a meet I get shrug of shoulders or I don’t know, which suggest to me a lack of confidence which she has always had and part reason we joined here so we could help each other’s confidence and she has a lot of people complimenting her x "
I'd say you do have a clear answer, the lack of a yes is a no. We can all speculate about the reasons but only she knows if it's fear that reality won't live up to fantasy or it's confidence or something else entirely.
And just as a warning I'm on the process of divorce, and a small part of it was him continuously pushing further and further with what his turn ons were and me eventually agreeing but feeling frankly used and unloved. |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
OP another thought on this - that ties into your wife's body confidence issues - your profile name. Know BBW is a well used, and accepted (by some) term but is your wife comfortable with not only that but the idea of being "shared"?
Did you pick the username together or did you set the profile up?
Not saying any of the above is the answer to your situation, but it may be a part of the problem. |
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By *irginieWoman
over a year ago
Near Marlborough |
Go to a club!!!!! Particularly one like the BBW party at Chams. There is never any pressure to do anything you don’t want to do and is packed with fabulous women, couples and guys.
You can drink and dance, enjoy the hot tub, or just socialise.
I promise you both that she will have a great night. Go with no expectations other than get dolled up, and have an amazing fun night without any body issues. She will feel very very comfortable. And ultimately it’s just a night out for you both.
V x
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"Go to a club!!!!! Particularly one like the BBW party at Chams. There is never any pressure to do anything you don’t want to do and is packed with fabulous women, couples and guys.
You can drink and dance, enjoy the hot tub, or just socialise.
I promise you both that she will have a great night. Go with no expectations other than get dolled up, and have an amazing fun night without any body issues. She will feel very very comfortable. And ultimately it’s just a night out for you both.
V x
"
You really can't guarantee that his pertner will have a great night and feel comfortable. She might spend the entire evening thinking he's taken her there in yet another attempt to get her to swing. |
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By *irginieWoman
over a year ago
Near Marlborough |
"Go to a club!!!!! Particularly one like the BBW party at Chams. There is never any pressure to do anything you don’t want to do and is packed with fabulous women, couples and guys.
You can drink and dance, enjoy the hot tub, or just socialise.
I promise you both that she will have a great night. Go with no expectations other than get dolled up, and have an amazing fun night without any body issues. She will feel very very comfortable. And ultimately it’s just a night out for you both.
V x
You really can't guarantee that his pertner will have a great night and feel comfortable. She might spend the entire evening thinking he's taken her there in yet another attempt to get her to swing."
True, and of course I don’t know the OPs or their circumstances. But if she tried this and it didn’t work for them they can move on and perhaps write it off as an idea.
V x |
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"Also the fact that you're pushing for a "solid answer". Consent is consent is consent. As a trusted and loved partner, surely a 'no' should be enough?
I think pushing for a solid answer was a wrong way to word from me, just when we’ve got to point of on, shall we arrange a meet I get shrug of shoulders or I don’t know, which suggest to me a lack of confidence which she has always had and part reason we joined here so we could help each other’s confidence and she has a lot of people complimenting her x "
I think what's needed is enthusiastic consent from her,it doesn't sound like you have it |
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