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I've been Gas Lighted :-(
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Things like him not sticking to his word, actions never materialising and plans falling through. Only when he wants something, when it's convenient for him.
I'm writing this to remind myself to not slip back into thinking I'm the one to blame.
Psychological abuse, plain and simple.
I'm sure some of you have had similar experiences some worse than my own...
What are the signs?
How do you break free and avoid it happening again?
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"I was left questioning my own sanity in our "relationship" if you could call it that. I constantly felt like my words were falling on deaf ears yet my frustrations reduced to me being someone who was over reacting
Things like him not sticking to his word, actions never materialising and plans falling through. Only when he wants something, when it's convenient for him.
I'm writing this to remind myself to not slip back into thinking I'm the one to blame.
Psychological abuse, plain and simple.
I'm sure some of you have had similar experiences some worse than my own...
What are the signs?
How do you break free and avoid it happening again?
"Believe in yourself, hold your head high, and know you’re worth 10times than what they have to offer... and if they fuck you around (not in the fun way) | |||
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"I was left questioning my own sanity in our "relationship" if you could call it that. I constantly felt like my words were falling on deaf ears yet my frustrations reduced to me being someone who was over reacting
Things like him not sticking to his word, actions never materialising and plans falling through. Only when he wants something, when it's convenient for him.
I'm writing this to remind myself to not slip back into thinking I'm the one to blame.
Psychological abuse, plain and simple.
I'm sure some of you have had similar experiences some worse than my own...
What are the signs?
How do you break free and avoid it happening again?
Believe in yourself, hold your head high, and know you’re worth 10times than what they have to offer... and if they fuck you around (not in the fun way) "Believe in yourself, hold your head high, and know you’re worth 10times than what they have to offer... and if they fuck you around (not in the fun way) Then don’t give them the time of day... | |||
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"You are far too beautiful to be disrespected this way " So if she was ugly it wouldn’t be as much of any issue then? | |||
"I was left questioning my own sanity in our "relationship" if you could call it that. I constantly felt like my words were falling on deaf ears yet my frustrations reduced to me being someone who was over reacting
Things like him not sticking to his word, actions never materialising and plans falling through. Only when he wants something, when it's convenient for him.
I'm writing this to remind myself to not slip back into thinking I'm the one to blame.
Psychological abuse, plain and simple.
I'm sure some of you have had similar experiences some worse than my own...
What are the signs?
How do you break free and avoid it happening again?
"This resonates with me big time. I escaped a marriage about a year ago where my ex was a huge narcissist. I normalised it for years. Thinking it was me and I was the bad one. Only had my eyes opened in the last couple of years and realised it wasn't me and it was him. I got a lot of help from a local domestic abuse charity and cbt counselling. I now don't let it happen. Maybe I'm now to far the other way and don't give people the benefit of the doubt any more. But one thing I have learnt is that we can't control other people's actions. Just the way we react to them. Keeo you're head up lovely and don't let others bring you down. | |||
Mrs Scooby | |||
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"I spent far too many years, being manipulated this way. Constantly apologising, believing everything that went wrong was my fault, being made to feel useless & ugly, grateful that he put up with me. It was eldest son who first spotted things, heard him say something, make plans to deny it a few days later, accuse me of losing the plot. I started to write things down, secretly record conversations. Only then did I finally see I wasn't going crazy, that I hadn't imagined things. Standing up to him wasn't easy, kicking him out. He dragged me through hell for years after. Still trying to control our lives. It only stopped when he got a new girlfriend. He took everything from me, but I won in the end. I didn't just rebuild my life, I created a whole new one. " Truly hideous that those you love and trust can abuse in such a way 
Well done to your son for noticing and for you on having the courage to leave him.
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Promised myself I'd never fall for it again but did. Left feeling worthless the second time by a total narcissist who believed his own shite. I pity his current list of women 
We are worth so much more - never forget that  | |||
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"I’m sorry this happened to you..... But I have to say this...... Men are not bad... we don’t intentionally try to be assholes or treat you women mean... it’s just that women can come on too strong sometimes... Then we get scared and run away.... it’s not like we don’t like you or want to be with you... it’s just the fact we don’t want to commit to any kind of relationship as fast as you do.... I’m not saying it’s your fault..... he behaved that way... I’m just trying to give you a man’s perspective to balance out your thread...." Some men are bad (as are some women). For your own sanity run! Have a look at angie atkinsons videos on u tube. She pretty much explains gaslighting. | |||
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"I’m sorry this happened to you..... But I have to say this...... Men are not bad... we don’t intentionally try to be assholes or treat you women mean... it’s just that women can come on too strong sometimes... Then we get scared and run away.... it’s not like we don’t like you or want to be with you... it’s just the fact we don’t want to commit to any kind of relationship as fast as you do.... I’m not saying it’s your fault..... he behaved that way... I’m just trying to give you a man’s perspective to balance out your thread...." Gas Lighting isn’t gender specific. It’s a form of DA which can also be used to control others, in the family unit, in the workplace. | |||
"I was left questioning my own sanity in our "relationship" if you could call it that. I constantly felt like my words were falling on deaf ears yet my frustrations reduced to me being someone who was over reacting
Things like him not sticking to his word, actions never materialising and plans falling through. Only when he wants something, when it's convenient for him.
I'm writing this to remind myself to not slip back into thinking I'm the one to blame.
Psychological abuse, plain and simple.
I'm sure some of you have had similar experiences some worse than my own...
What are the signs?
How do you break free and avoid it happening again?
"Google surviving a narcissistic relationship... loads of support and help available.. I'm on the flip side of surviving over 5 years in a relationship like that. It's hard but I'm getting there | |||
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"It sounds like an awful situation. I was in what I would term a relationship where I was coercively controlled. It’s horrid and undermines your self confidence. You end up feeling worthless. I packed my bags one day and left that relationship, left everything behind and started again. OP - I hope that you are no longer in that relationship. People like that don’t change, they will just repeat that behaviour with their next partner. " | |||
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"doesnt sound like psychological abuse, sounds like he's just a selfish cunt moreso." This | |||
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"Screenshooting our conversation helped. I'm shaking my head at myself for allowing him to reel me back in since I originally posted this. But some things transpired that helped me see him for the complete tool he was. His ugly side really came out and what triggered it was pulling up his BS in a group chat. Public exposure of his mind games made him as mad as a hatter. He proceeded to back-peddle and he used words that were belittling and when he wasn't getting his way he resorted to profanity. I don't understand people sometimes, why they can toy with people that way... I know this is more of a post for myself to record my thoughts and people are open to weigh in on it. " I’m about 3 sheets to the wind right now... So maybe I’m reading your post wrong.... Did you go back with him after making this post? | |||
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"Screenshooting our conversation helped. I'm shaking my head at myself for allowing him to reel me back in since I originally posted this. But some things transpired that helped me see him for the complete tool he was. His ugly side really came out and what triggered it was pulling up his BS in a group chat. Public exposure of his mind games made him as mad as a hatter. He proceeded to back-peddle and he used words that were belittling and when he wasn't getting his way he resorted to profanity. I don't understand people sometimes, why they can toy with people that way... I know this is more of a post for myself to record my thoughts and people are open to weigh in on it. " Sounds like he has NPD. Narcissistic personality disorder. Very hard to have a diagnosis as very rarely can they see outside their own self obsessed box. Brought up by one, frying pan to the fire... moved in with one. 18 years and 3 wonderful kids. We finally got away 8 years ago. This is what the new laws on domestic abuse are about. I’m a survivor, and I know many men and women on fab are also survivors. Stay strong! And... eh block him! | |||
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"Screenshooting our conversation helped. I'm shaking my head at myself for allowing him to reel me back in since I originally posted this. But some things transpired that helped me see him for the complete tool he was. His ugly side really came out and what triggered it was pulling up his BS in a group chat. Public exposure of his mind games made him as mad as a hatter. He proceeded to back-peddle and he used words that were belittling and when he wasn't getting his way he resorted to profanity. I don't understand people sometimes, why they can toy with people that way... I know this is more of a post for myself to record my thoughts and people are open to weigh in on it. Sounds like he has NPD. Narcissistic personality disorder. Very hard to have a diagnosis as very rarely can they see outside their own self obsessed box. Brought up by one, frying pan to the fire... moved in with one. 18 years and 3 wonderful kids. We finally got away 8 years ago. This is what the new laws on domestic abuse are about. I’m a survivor, and I know many men and women on fab are also survivors. Stay strong! And... eh block him!" Even diagnosed it cannot be cured. Treated but even that does not do much. It has been in their system too long. Since they were a child. Either over loved or too much expected of them to achieve. | |||
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"Look I’m really not trying to be rude.... But does she bare any responsibility in his behavior? You guys are not medical doctors.... stop with this pseudoscience non sense.... Life is simple...... people will take advantage of you only if you keep allowing it...." What ever she may or may not have done that does not justify his behaviour. Anyone who has any knowledge of narcissism knows some of the things that she is describing are the behaviour of a narcissist. Yes he needs to be diagnosed but that will not help her because it cannot successfully treated. | |||
"Look I’m really not trying to be rude.... But does she bare any responsibility in his behavior? You guys are not medical doctors.... stop with this pseudoscience non sense.... Life is simple...... people will take advantage of you only if you keep allowing it...." Yeah I understand what you are trying to say but no one should be treated the way he treated, manipulated and made me question my own sanity. I am not responsible for his behaviour what so ever if that's the attitude he has towards women he dates or gets in relationships with. I definitely am annoyed at myself for allowing him to treat me that way and not cutting his BS sooner. He's threatened to contact authorities if I defame his character publicly on social media and all this other crap I haven't done and will never give him that pleasure.
In retrospect I should have known by the way he talked about his Ex's that he was the one that suffered by them and that he was taken advantage of.
I know it's not the same for everyone but I'm predominantly fine with all my Ex's and wish them the best and I still talk to a couple of them.
I guess it's a hard lessons that I have to learn to approach things more logically than leading with my emotions. | |||
"Look I’m really not trying to be rude.... But does she bare any responsibility in his behavior? You guys are not medical doctors.... stop with this pseudoscience non sense.... Life is simple...... people will take advantage of you only if you keep allowing it.... Yeah I understand what you are trying to say but no one should be treated the way he treated, manipulated and made me question my own sanity. I am not responsible for his behaviour what so ever if that's the attitude he has towards women he dates or gets in relationships with. I definitely am annoyed at myself for allowing him to treat me that way and not cutting his BS sooner. He's threatened to contact authorities if I defame his character publicly on social media and all this other crap I haven't done and will never give him that pleasure.
In retrospect I should have known by the way he talked about his Ex's that he was the one that suffered by them and that he was taken advantage of.
I know it's not the same for everyone but I'm predominantly fine with all my Ex's and wish them the best and I still talk to a couple of them.
I guess it's a hard lessons that I have to learn to approach things more logically than leading with my emotions. "That last paragraph says it all for me where you say your emotions lead you. They play on your emotions. It can be so difficult to think logically then. Can I ask how long you had been together? | |||
"You are far too beautiful to be disrespected this way So if she was ugly it wouldn’t be as much of any issue then?" I thought that !! What a shit comment.. | |||
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"My ex-wife controlled and manipulated me for years. Everything I did was wrong, everything was my fault. I apologised for everythings. I believed whatever she said, couldn't argue against her. I tried to be rational.... All this made her behavior worse. To be honest I am trying to write how it was like, but there is so much - 20 years worth. It's just not possible to describe what it was like. Even with all this I still loved her, it doesn't make sense. Not sure about signs. She was a narcissist and quickly worked out the best ways to manipulates me. Sex at beginning, then it was not speaking to me (sometimes weeks) and then by taking my kids away without telling me they were going out or when they would be back(truely hated that). All were an excecise in power. I have no family, she alienated me from my friends. I relied upon her. Scared of losing my kids. I feel for everyone who has been through similar. In my exoerience gas lighting was part of a much broader hell and abuse of power. My advice is to trust yourself and memories. Deep down you know the truth." The sex is all about them rather than you. It is for their benefit. When they don't need it then you won't get it. Alienating you from friends is text book. If you had family she would have got of on with them to start of with. Going on about how wonderful they were and then later the problems would have started and she would have driven a split in the family. With my relationship she did not realise I had worked her out. All she knows now is she does not get her own way. What use to work on me no longer does. I read up so much about narcissism, as much as I could. Read up about what they don't like, which is losing control of a situation. How to deflect her behaviour back on her. We are still friends and she is now married. That though is not about love. It is about fixed assets. Even now she does not know what is wrong with her. Being an empath and not realising I was for years did not help. As soon as I realised I was in an empath/narcissist relationship the empath in me kicked in and my empath BS detector went into overdrive. | |||
"My ex-wife controlled and manipulated me for years. Everything I did was wrong, everything was my fault. I apologised for everythings. I believed whatever she said, couldn't argue against her. I tried to be rational.... All this made her behavior worse. To be honest I am trying to write how it was like, but there is so much - 20 years worth. It's just not possible to describe what it was like. Even with all this I still loved her, it doesn't make sense. Not sure about signs. She was a narcissist and quickly worked out the best ways to manipulates me. Sex at beginning, then it was not speaking to me (sometimes weeks) and then by taking my kids away without telling me they were going out or when they would be back(truely hated that). All were an excecise in power. I have no family, she alienated me from my friends. I relied upon her. Scared of losing my kids. I feel for everyone who has been through similar. In my exoerience gas lighting was part of a much broader hell and abuse of power. My advice is to trust yourself and memories. Deep down you know the truth. The sex is all about them rather than you. It is for their benefit. When they don't need it then you won't get it. Alienating you from friends is text book. If you had family she would have got of on with them to start of with. Going on about how wonderful they were and then later the problems would have started and she would have driven a split in the family. With my relationship she did not realise I had worked her out. All she knows now is she does not get her own way. What use to work on me no longer does. I read up so much about narcissism, as much as I could. Read up about what they don't like, which is losing control of a situation. How to deflect her behaviour back on her. We are still friends and she is now married. That though is not about love. It is about fixed assets. Even now she does not know what is wrong with her. Being an empath and not realising I was for years did not help. As soon as I realised I was in an empath/narcissist relationship the empath in me kicked in and my empath BS detector went into overdrive. " Glad you got there in the end Stewie. It's a hard lesson to learn. You are right in what you say about narcassist's techniques to control you. My wife left me though in the end. I couldn't do it in fear of losing everything. At that point she lost control of me though. I fought to have my kids and they fought to be with me. I have them more than she does. It's been 4 years now and it still feels a revelation to have my own life, even though I have struggled to build one from nothing. Careful who you give your emotions to. | |||
"My ex-wife controlled and manipulated me for years. Everything I did was wrong, everything was my fault. I apologised for everythings. I believed whatever she said, couldn't argue against her. I tried to be rational.... All this made her behavior worse. To be honest I am trying to write how it was like, but there is so much - 20 years worth. It's just not possible to describe what it was like. Even with all this I still loved her, it doesn't make sense. Not sure about signs. She was a narcissist and quickly worked out the best ways to manipulates me. Sex at beginning, then it was not speaking to me (sometimes weeks) and then by taking my kids away without telling me they were going out or when they would be back(truely hated that). All were an excecise in power. I have no family, she alienated me from my friends. I relied upon her. Scared of losing my kids. I feel for everyone who has been through similar. In my exoerience gas lighting was part of a much broader hell and abuse of power. My advice is to trust yourself and memories. Deep down you know the truth. The sex is all about them rather than you. It is for their benefit. When they don't need it then you won't get it. Alienating you from friends is text book. If you had family she would have got of on with them to start of with. Going on about how wonderful they were and then later the problems would have started and she would have driven a split in the family. With my relationship she did not realise I had worked her out. All she knows now is she does not get her own way. What use to work on me no longer does. I read up so much about narcissism, as much as I could. Read up about what they don't like, which is losing control of a situation. How to deflect her behaviour back on her. We are still friends and she is now married. That though is not about love. It is about fixed assets. Even now she does not know what is wrong with her. Being an empath and not realising I was for years did not help. As soon as I realised I was in an empath/narcissist relationship the empath in me kicked in and my empath BS detector went into overdrive. Glad you got there in the end Stewie. It's a hard lesson to learn. You are right in what you say about narcassist's techniques to control you. My wife left me though in the end. I couldn't do it in fear of losing everything. At that point she lost control of me though. I fought to have my kids and they fought to be with me. I have them more than she does. It's been 4 years now and it still feels a revelation to have my own life, even though I have struggled to build one from nothing. Careful who you give your emotions to. " Yes I am now even more careful. | |||
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"I was left questioning my own sanity in our "relationship" if you could call it that. I constantly felt like my words were falling on deaf ears yet my frustrations reduced to me being someone who was over reacting
Things like him not sticking to his word, actions never materialising and plans falling through. Only when he wants something, when it's convenient for him.
I'm writing this to remind myself to not slip back into thinking I'm the one to blame.
Psychological abuse, plain and simple.
I'm sure some of you have had similar experiences some worse than my own...
What are the signs?
How do you break free and avoid it happening again?
"Please be careful who you share this sort of information with. This site is spilling over with the type of person you are trying to avoid!!! These people hunt down vulnerable people. They pretend to be your friend, get under your skin and then you're hooked they have what they want. Don't show your vulnerable side to anyone on here no matter how genuine they may first appear. | |||
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"When I was married to my first husband, he would constantly make me doubt my own sanity sometimes, I have quite a good memory and he would always say I’ve said something when I know I didn’t, I would argue back sometimes because I knew I hadn’t said what he was claiming, I always found it odd because he wouldn’t remember quite a lot of normal every day stuff, he would even go so far sometimes to say he was worried about early onset dementia, yet he would say that I’ve said something to him which I knew in a million years I wouldn’t. He would also when going through a bad patch in our marriage (this happened twice, once 7 years ago and then again when we actually split) he would try and gain some kind of sympathy from me, he never mentioned health worries before, yet here we were on the verge or was breaking up, telling me about this mole on his hands and that he was worried for his heart, each time I would go with him to the hospital or doctors and nothing was found. He was also very controlling of me when we split as he knew I had nowhere else to go, he knew I had no back bone and would make me (even though he was the one that ended the marriage) make me be at home every night for the kids and ship me off to my rented room when they were in bed, i’d have to have dinner every night with them (two of my three boys are autistic and he was a stay at home dad so made sense for them to be with him) and while it was lovely for the kids, he wouldn’t allow me to move on with my life and I didn’t want to upset the kids anymore than they already were, that was tough for over a year and when doughnut came into my life and I started to find strength and a bit more courage he didn’t like that, I would find myself lying to him about my new relationship, if had been over a year but yet I still felt tied to him like a wife, I would make up where I was going etc as I had another short, brief romance with a guy and he punched a hole in a door at the house (the ex husband) because he couldn’t cope with it not being all about him anymore, hence why I found myself lying about doughnut because I didn’t want to lose him, eventually I told the truth and it was hard at first but he began to move on. We are quite good friends now and the kids are happy (they don’t like their step mum that much) but now he is constantly lying to her about where he is going etc, which is a shame because I really like her!! Danish x" Hearty applause from me Danish. You did it right. | |||
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"You are far too beautiful to be disrespected this way So if she was ugly it wouldn’t be as much of any issue then?" Glad it wasn’t just me who picked up on that comment... | |||
"You are far too beautiful to be disrespected this way So if she was ugly it wouldn’t be as much of any issue then? Glad it wasn’t just me who picked up on that comment... " Bloody right! | |||
"My ex-wife controlled and manipulated me for years. Everything I did was wrong, everything was my fault. I apologised for everythings. I believed whatever she said, couldn't argue against her. I tried to be rational.... All this made her behavior worse. To be honest I am trying to write how it was like, but there is so much - 20 years worth. It's just not possible to describe what it was like. Even with all this I still loved her, it doesn't make sense. Not sure about signs. She was a narcissist and quickly worked out the best ways to manipulates me. Sex at beginning, then it was not speaking to me (sometimes weeks) and then by taking my kids away without telling me they were going out or when they would be back(truely hated that). All were an excecise in power. I have no family, she alienated me from my friends. I relied upon her. Scared of losing my kids. I feel for everyone who has been through similar. In my exoerience gas lighting was part of a much broader hell and abuse of power. My advice is to trust yourself and memories. Deep down you know the truth." My friend is going through this at the moment. Her husband finds fault in everything she does and everything that goes wrong in his life is her fault. Even if it's something at his work he still blames her. He's never hit her, it's 'just' verbal abuse so she blames herself. Hope you're ok. X | |||
"My ex-wife controlled and manipulated me for years. Everything I did was wrong, everything was my fault. I apologised for everythings. I believed whatever she said, couldn't argue against her. I tried to be rational.... All this made her behavior worse. To be honest I am trying to write how it was like, but there is so much - 20 years worth. It's just not possible to describe what it was like. Even with all this I still loved her, it doesn't make sense. Not sure about signs. She was a narcissist and quickly worked out the best ways to manipulates me. Sex at beginning, then it was not speaking to me (sometimes weeks) and then by taking my kids away without telling me they were going out or when they would be back(truely hated that). All were an excecise in power. I have no family, she alienated me from my friends. I relied upon her. Scared of losing my kids. I feel for everyone who has been through similar. In my exoerience gas lighting was part of a much broader hell and abuse of power. My advice is to trust yourself and memories. Deep down you know the truth. My friend is going through this at the moment. Her husband finds fault in everything she does and everything that goes wrong in his life is her fault. Even if it's something at his work he still blames her. He's never hit her, it's 'just' verbal abuse so she blames herself. Hope you're ok. X" Just messaged you a link which might help your friend. Xx | |||
"My ex-wife controlled and manipulated me for years. Everything I did was wrong, everything was my fault. I apologised for everythings. I believed whatever she said, couldn't argue against her. I tried to be rational.... All this made her behavior worse. To be honest I am trying to write how it was like, but there is so much - 20 years worth. It's just not possible to describe what it was like. Even with all this I still loved her, it doesn't make sense. Not sure about signs. She was a narcissist and quickly worked out the best ways to manipulates me. Sex at beginning, then it was not speaking to me (sometimes weeks) and then by taking my kids away without telling me they were going out or when they would be back(truely hated that). All were an excecise in power. I have no family, she alienated me from my friends. I relied upon her. Scared of losing my kids. I feel for everyone who has been through similar. In my exoerience gas lighting was part of a much broader hell and abuse of power. My advice is to trust yourself and memories. Deep down you know the truth. My friend is going through this at the moment. Her husband finds fault in everything she does and everything that goes wrong in his life is her fault. Even if it's something at his work he still blames her. He's never hit her, it's 'just' verbal abuse so she blames herself. Hope you're ok. X Just messaged you a link which might help your friend. Xx" I hope it was a link to a divorce lawyer.... | |||
"My ex-wife controlled and manipulated me for years. Everything I did was wrong, everything was my fault. I apologised for everythings. I believed whatever she said, couldn't argue against her. I tried to be rational.... All this made her behavior worse. To be honest I am trying to write how it was like, but there is so much - 20 years worth. It's just not possible to describe what it was like. Even with all this I still loved her, it doesn't make sense. Not sure about signs. She was a narcissist and quickly worked out the best ways to manipulates me. Sex at beginning, then it was not speaking to me (sometimes weeks) and then by taking my kids away without telling me they were going out or when they would be back(truely hated that). All were an excecise in power. I have no family, she alienated me from my friends. I relied upon her. Scared of losing my kids. I feel for everyone who has been through similar. In my exoerience gas lighting was part of a much broader hell and abuse of power. My advice is to trust yourself and memories. Deep down you know the truth. My friend is going through this at the moment. Her husband finds fault in everything she does and everything that goes wrong in his life is her fault. Even if it's something at his work he still blames her. He's never hit her, it's 'just' verbal abuse so she blames herself. Hope you're ok. X Just messaged you a link which might help your friend. Xx" It was interesting thank you.  | |||
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"I’m sorry this happened to you..... But I have to say this...... Men are not bad... we don’t intentionally try to be assholes or treat you women mean... it’s just that women can come on too strong sometimes... Then we get scared and run away.... it’s not like we don’t like you or want to be with you... it’s just the fact we don’t want to commit to any kind of relationship as fast as you do.... I’m not saying it’s your fault..... he behaved that way... I’m just trying to give you a man’s perspective to balance out your thread...." With respect, A narcissist puts a whole new level into ‘selfish’, some people are selfish, some people are narcissistic.... the difference is massive, and so are The consequences, those that suffer at the hands of a narc know the difference. :-\ | |||
"Look I’m really not trying to be rude.... But does she bare any responsibility in his behavior? You guys are not medical doctors.... stop with this pseudoscience non sense.... Life is simple...... people will take advantage of you only if you keep allowing it...." You clearly have NO idea  | |||
"Look I’m really not trying to be rude.... But does she bare any responsibility in his behavior? You guys are not medical doctors.... stop with this pseudoscience non sense.... Life is simple...... people will take advantage of you only if you keep allowing it.... You clearly have NO idea "I’m no medical doctor, I can only speak from life experience...... All the mistakes I’ve made in life... I have learned from them and not have repeated them... I respect and love myself enough to not let anyone man or woman treat me badly....... I will always take responsibility for my choices and will never be that friend who annoys my friends with women problems.... I don’t need to see a doctor if my relationship is going bad... I will just leave.... If I’m not happy, it’s not worth my time.... You can’t blame the other person for treating you badly if YOU KEEP ALLOWING IT TO HAPPEN..... | |||
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"You are far too beautiful to be disrespected this way x you know the warning signs, and how the bubble burts ...... enough to avoid it in future. Don't sell yourself short x you'll be ok huni x" I know a few people have criticised this comment but I think the person was trying to be supportive and let the OP know she was worthy of better than what she was putting up with and not to underestimate her self. I don't think she was meaning that if OP wasn't beautiful then she would have deserved it. | |||
"Look I’m really not trying to be rude.... But does she bare any responsibility in his behavior? You guys are not medical doctors.... stop with this pseudoscience non sense.... Life is simple...... people will take advantage of you only if you keep allowing it.... You clearly have NO idea
I’m no medical doctor, I can only speak from life experience......
All the mistakes I’ve made in life... I have learned from them and not have repeated them...
I respect and love myself enough to not let anyone man or woman treat me badly.......
I will always take responsibility for my choices and will never be that friend who annoys my friends with women problems....
I don’t need to see a doctor if my relationship is going bad... I will just leave....
If I’m not happy, it’s not worth my time....
You can’t blame the other person for treating you badly if YOU KEEP ALLOWING IT TO HAPPEN....."Yep.....no fucking clue. | |||
"Look I’m really not trying to be rude.... But does she bare any responsibility in his behavior? You guys are not medical doctors.... stop with this pseudoscience non sense.... Life is simple...... people will take advantage of you only if you keep allowing it.... You clearly have NO idea
I’m no medical doctor, I can only speak from life experience......
All the mistakes I’ve made in life... I have learned from them and not have repeated them...
I respect and love myself enough to not let anyone man or woman treat me badly.......
I will always take responsibility for my choices and will never be that friend who annoys my friends with women problems....
I don’t need to see a doctor if my relationship is going bad... I will just leave....
If I’m not happy, it’s not worth my time....
You can’t blame the other person for treating you badly if YOU KEEP ALLOWING IT TO HAPPEN.....
Yep.....no fucking clue. "Please enlighten me? | |||
| |||
| |||
"Look I’m really not trying to be rude.... But does she bare any responsibility in his behavior? You guys are not medical doctors.... stop with this pseudoscience non sense.... Life is simple...... people will take advantage of you only if you keep allowing it.... You clearly have NO idea
I’m no medical doctor, I can only speak from life experience......
All the mistakes I’ve made in life... I have learned from them and not have repeated them...
I respect and love myself enough to not let anyone man or woman treat me badly.......
I will always take responsibility for my choices and will never be that friend who annoys my friends with women problems....
I don’t need to see a doctor if my relationship is going bad... I will just leave....
If I’m not happy, it’s not worth my time....
You can’t blame the other person for treating you badly if YOU KEEP ALLOWING IT TO HAPPEN.....
Yep.....no fucking clue.
Please enlighten me?"Can't be arsed. You see the world from your point of view and your point if view only. If you don't understand manipulation, black mail and mind games you won't understand thus. The world is very black and white to you. | |||
"Look I’m really not trying to be rude.... But does she bare any responsibility in his behavior? You guys are not medical doctors.... stop with this pseudoscience non sense.... Life is simple...... people will take advantage of you only if you keep allowing it.... You clearly have NO idea
I’m no medical doctor, I can only speak from life experience......
All the mistakes I’ve made in life... I have learned from them and not have repeated them...
I respect and love myself enough to not let anyone man or woman treat me badly.......
I will always take responsibility for my choices and will never be that friend who annoys my friends with women problems....
I don’t need to see a doctor if my relationship is going bad... I will just leave....
If I’m not happy, it’s not worth my time....
You can’t blame the other person for treating you badly if YOU KEEP ALLOWING IT TO HAPPEN....."It can happen to anybody. Manipulation is not always obvious. You become trapped, isolated and therefore vulnerable. With no family or friends and reliant on your partner for everything. It's not a case of allowing it to happen, in my case I isolated myself because of her. I was very strong beforehand, but just could not win anything. One thing about a narcassist is that mine never apologised, ever! Never admitted fault/blame for anything. In front of others she was all smiles, I loved her family coming round for the break. | |||
"I cannot offer advice really. I spent 15 years running in increasingly frantic circles trying to please a woman (mother of my son) who was a psychopath. Self-obsessed, Narcissistic Self-Centred Nagging Glacier. I had lots of warning signs hitting me in the face as I travelled down that road. But I kept not reading the signs or - even when the message was CLEARLY flashed in front of my eyes - ignoring the signs. Signs of manipulative, psychotic control-freak? getting told the Peas were the wrong size, getting told the Peas were being served on the wrong side of the plate, being refused sex for years, being told I was being manipulative by cooking dinner for us all one Christmas Day. Life is very quiet now. I relax and often feel quite fine about things. I don't endlessly worry about my latest "thought-crime", manipulative doing-of-the-laundry or buying her the wrong kind of Champagne. Life is better. " I had to smile about your peas sorry, I know it isnt funny. I have boiled rice wrong in the past before  | |||
"I cannot offer advice really. I spent 15 years running in increasingly frantic circles trying to please a woman (mother of my son) who was a psychopath. Self-obsessed, Narcissistic Self-Centred Nagging Glacier. I had lots of warning signs hitting me in the face as I travelled down that road. But I kept not reading the signs or - even when the message was CLEARLY flashed in front of my eyes - ignoring the signs. Signs of manipulative, psychotic control-freak? getting told the Peas were the wrong size, getting told the Peas were being served on the wrong side of the plate, being refused sex for years, being told I was being manipulative by cooking dinner for us all one Christmas Day. Life is very quiet now. I relax and often feel quite fine about things. I don't endlessly worry about my latest "thought-crime", manipulative doing-of-the-laundry or buying her the wrong kind of Champagne. Life is better. I had to smile about your peas sorry, I know it isnt funny. I have boiled rice wrong in the past before "I cut a bacon sandwich up the wrong was once, and made gravy the wrong colour. | |||
" I had to smile about your peas sorry, I know it isnt funny. I have boiled rice wrong in the past before
I cut a bacon sandwich up the wrong was once, and made gravy the wrong colour."Mine wasn’t as pernickety as that but he would never taste anything I made from scratch even when I tried to make pancakes he would only eat the ones from the bottle of pancake mix. The first weekend after we got married I spent hours following a recipe for a chicken dish, had it ready for him coming in from work and he refused to eat it. I rarely cook anything from scratch now 25 years later as have little confidence in my cooking skills. I have started in recent years though so I’m getting there. | |||
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"With respect, A narcissist puts a whole new level into ‘selfish’, some people are selfish, some people are narcissistic.... the difference is massive, and so are The consequences, those that suffer at the hands of a narc know the difference. :-\" | |||
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| |||
"There is a certain irony in people laying all of the blame on the other person whilst at the same time accusing them of blaming them for everything. It is also not lost on me how they love to tell you how hard done by they are and how you don't understand, yet say that this us exactly what a narcissist does to make you feel guilty and attract sympathy. I don't doubt that people have had some horrible experiences at the hands of others but I do doubt that everyone who claims to be a victim actually is and the ones that draw most attention to it are often a narcissist themselves. I'm not implying anyone in this thread is one btw as it can't be diagnosed from a one sided Internet comment, despite what the armchair experts might say. It's not as black and white as that.. or am I just victim blaming and muddying the waters in a narcissistic manner? "You are right to an extent but if people who have experienced narcissism from a partner or parent were to tell you everything that had gone on to show how their person was narcissistic it would go on a lot longer than some of the stories in the fantasy thread!!
The advise here has been to read up on narcisssim to see if her ex is like that and that will empower her on how to handle him if he is.
| |||
"There is a certain irony in people laying all of the blame on the other person whilst at the same time accusing them of blaming them for everything. It is also not lost on me how they love to tell you how hard done by they are and how you don't understand, yet say that this us exactly what a narcissist does to make you feel guilty and attract sympathy. I don't doubt that people have had some horrible experiences at the hands of others but I do doubt that everyone who claims to be a victim actually is and the ones that draw most attention to it are often a narcissist themselves. I'm not implying anyone in this thread is one btw as it can't be diagnosed from a one sided Internet comment, despite what the armchair experts might say. It's not as black and white as that.. or am I just victim blaming and muddying the waters in a narcissistic manner?
You are right to an extent but if people who have experienced narcissism from a partner or parent were to tell you everything that had gone on to show how their person was narcissistic it would go on a lot longer than some of the stories in the fantasy thread!!
The advise here has been to read up on narcisssim to see if her ex is like that and that will empower her on how to handle him if he is.
"I know that actual victims would have a massive list of reasons and example of why the other is to blame, but my point is so would the narcissist. | |||
"You are far too beautiful to be disrespected this way So if she was ugly it wouldn’t be as much of any issue then?" yes what a ridiculous comment ! | |||
"There is a certain irony in people laying all of the blame on the other person whilst at the same time accusing them of blaming them for everything. It is also not lost on me how they love to tell you how hard done by they are and how you don't understand, yet say that this us exactly what a narcissist does to make you feel guilty and attract sympathy. I don't doubt that people have had some horrible experiences at the hands of others but I do doubt that everyone who claims to be a victim actually is and the ones that draw most attention to it are often a narcissist themselves. I'm not implying anyone in this thread is one btw as it can't be diagnosed from a one sided Internet comment, despite what the armchair experts might say. It's not as black and white as that.. or am I just victim blaming and muddying the waters in a narcissistic manner?
You are right to an extent but if people who have experienced narcissism from a partner or parent were to tell you everything that had gone on to show how their person was narcissistic it would go on a lot longer than some of the stories in the fantasy thread!!
The advise here has been to read up on narcisssim to see if her ex is like that and that will empower her on how to handle him if he is.
I know that actual victims would have a massive list of reasons and example of why the other is to blame, but my point is so would the narcissist.
"I also think that people are far too quick to label others and "narcissist" is a quick and easy way to absolve yourself of any blame. It's a buzzword that people use without actually understanding. (Other than what they have read in an article on the internet). | |||
"I cannot offer advice really. I spent 15 years running in increasingly frantic circles trying to please a woman (mother of my son) who was a psychopath. Self-obsessed, Narcissistic Self-Centred Nagging Glacier. I had lots of warning signs hitting me in the face as I travelled down that road. But I kept not reading the signs or - even when the message was CLEARLY flashed in front of my eyes - ignoring the signs. Signs of manipulative, psychotic control-freak? getting told the Peas were the wrong size, getting told the Peas were being served on the wrong side of the plate, being refused sex for years, being told I was being manipulative by cooking dinner for us all one Christmas Day. Life is very quiet now. I relax and often feel quite fine about things. I don't endlessly worry about my latest "thought-crime", manipulative doing-of-the-laundry or buying her the wrong kind of Champagne. Life is better. I had to smile about your peas sorry, I know it isnt funny. I have boiled rice wrong in the past before
I cut a bacon sandwich up the wrong was once, and made gravy the wrong colour."I hung her knickers up to dry wrong and told her I loved her at the wrong time... | |||
"Look I’m really not trying to be rude.... But does she bare any responsibility in his behavior? You guys are not medical doctors.... stop with this pseudoscience non sense.... Life is simple...... people will take advantage of you only if you keep allowing it.... You clearly have NO idea
I’m no medical doctor, I can only speak from life experience......
All the mistakes I’ve made in life... I have learned from them and not have repeated them...
I respect and love myself enough to not let anyone man or woman treat me badly.......
I will always take responsibility for my choices and will never be that friend who annoys my friends with women problems....
I don’t need to see a doctor if my relationship is going bad... I will just leave....
If I’m not happy, it’s not worth my time....
You can’t blame the other person for treating you badly if YOU KEEP ALLOWING IT TO HAPPEN.....
Yep.....no fucking clue.
Please enlighten me?
Can't be arsed. You see the world from your point of view and your point if view only.
If you don't understand manipulation, black mail and mind games you won't understand thus.
The world is very black and white to you. "This thread is very shocking to me and it’s opened my eyes to a lot of things... The first thing I learned is personal responsibility does not exist anymore... If something bad happens to me , it’s someone else’s fault... If the same thing happens to me again, it’s still someone else’s fault... This thread is very eye opening and the reason we now need life coaches and dating experts in society... We now have to pay someone to teach us how to live and find love... If you don’t agree with my statements , it’s not my fault ... blame my parents... they were evil people that raised me to take responsibility for my actions.... | |||
"I spent far too many years, being manipulated this way. Constantly apologising, believing everything that went wrong was my fault, being made to feel useless & ugly, grateful that he put up with me. It was eldest son who first spotted things, heard him say something, make plans to deny it a few days later, accuse me of losing the plot. I started to write things down, secretly record conversations. Only then did I finally see I wasn't going crazy, that I hadn't imagined things. Standing up to him wasn't easy, kicking him out. He dragged me through hell for years after. Still trying to control our lives. It only stopped when he got a new girlfriend. He took everything from me, but I won in the end. I didn't just rebuild my life, I created a whole new one. " This is very much like my situation was. I'm a little obsessed with keeping "evidence" for all sorts of things now, but it was the only thing that kept me semi-sane and out of a padded cell/dead. They make you question your own sanity and manipulate and convince you you're losing your mind. They never said that, they never did that, "you're losing the plot you stupid fat bitch. You wanna get yourself looked at luv, you ain't right in the fucking head" Secretly recording convos and writing things down as and when they happened saved my life. You can burn bright again afterwards, you can find you again. P | |||
"Look I’m really not trying to be rude.... But does she bare any responsibility in his behavior? You guys are not medical doctors.... stop with this pseudoscience non sense.... Life is simple...... people will take advantage of you only if you keep allowing it.... You clearly have NO idea
I’m no medical doctor, I can only speak from life experience......
All the mistakes I’ve made in life... I have learned from them and not have repeated them...
I respect and love myself enough to not let anyone man or woman treat me badly.......
I will always take responsibility for my choices and will never be that friend who annoys my friends with women problems....
I don’t need to see a doctor if my relationship is going bad... I will just leave....
If I’m not happy, it’s not worth my time....
You can’t blame the other person for treating you badly if YOU KEEP ALLOWING IT TO HAPPEN.....
Yep.....no fucking clue.
Please enlighten me?
Can't be arsed. You see the world from your point of view and your point if view only.
If you don't understand manipulation, black mail and mind games you won't understand thus.
The world is very black and white to you.
This thread is very shocking to me and it’s opened my eyes to a lot of things...
The first thing I learned is personal responsibility does not exist anymore...
If something bad happens to me , it’s someone else’s fault...
If the same thing happens to me again, it’s still someone else’s fault...
This thread is very eye opening and the reason we now need life coaches and dating experts in society... We now have to pay someone to teach us how to live and find love...
If you don’t agree with my statements , it’s not my fault ... blame my parents... they were evil people that raised me to take responsibility for my actions...."You have massively missed the point of everything. No one is saying they are absolved of any responsibility.....even the op admits she was stupid for falling for his hill shit again. However, you seem to blame women for not understanding men. Your first post essentially tries to absolve men if responsibility for their action because.... hey.....they're men. | |||
"I’m sorry this happened to you..... But I have to say this...... Men are not bad... we don’t intentionally try to be assholes or treat you women mean... it’s just that women can come on too strong sometimes... Then we get scared and run away.... it’s not like we don’t like you or want to be with you... it’s just the fact we don’t want to commit to any kind of relationship as fast as you do.... I’m not saying it’s your fault..... he behaved that way... I’m just trying to give you a man’s perspective to balance out your thread...." This is utter bullshit | |||
"I’m sorry this happened to you..... But I have to say this...... Men are not bad... we don’t intentionally try to be assholes or treat you women mean... it’s just that women can come on too strong sometimes... Then we get scared and run away.... it’s not like we don’t like you or want to be with you... it’s just the fact we don’t want to commit to any kind of relationship as fast as you do.... I’m not saying it’s your fault..... he behaved that way... I’m just trying to give you a man’s perspective to balance out your thread.... This is utter bullshit" You have no clue about men...... | |||
"I’m sorry this happened to you..... But I have to say this...... Men are not bad... we don’t intentionally try to be assholes or treat you women mean... it’s just that women can come on too strong sometimes... Then we get scared and run away.... it’s not like we don’t like you or want to be with you... it’s just the fact we don’t want to commit to any kind of relationship as fast as you do.... I’m not saying it’s your fault..... he behaved that way... I’m just trying to give you a man’s perspective to balance out your thread.... This is utter bullshit You have no clue about men......" Yes she does. Not all men behave in the way he describes. What happened to the original poster of this thread shows all the hallmark of narcissism which both men and woman can suffer from. That is caused by something that has happened in their childhood and will never leave them. Could be being overloved or too higher expectations made of them. | |||
"Look I’m really not trying to be rude.... But does she bare any responsibility in his behavior? You guys are not medical doctors.... stop with this pseudoscience non sense.... Life is simple...... people will take advantage of you only if you keep allowing it.... You clearly have NO idea
I’m no medical doctor, I can only speak from life experience......
All the mistakes I’ve made in life... I have learned from them and not have repeated them...
I respect and love myself enough to not let anyone man or woman treat me badly.......
I will always take responsibility for my choices and will never be that friend who annoys my friends with women problems....
I don’t need to see a doctor if my relationship is going bad... I will just leave....
If I’m not happy, it’s not worth my time....
You can’t blame the other person for treating you badly if YOU KEEP ALLOWING IT TO HAPPEN.....
Yep.....no fucking clue.
Please enlighten me?
Can't be arsed. You see the world from your point of view and your point if view only.
If you don't understand manipulation, black mail and mind games you won't understand thus.
The world is very black and white to you.
This thread is very shocking to me and it’s opened my eyes to a lot of things...
The first thing I learned is personal responsibility does not exist anymore...
If something bad happens to me , it’s someone else’s fault...
If the same thing happens to me again, it’s still someone else’s fault...
This thread is very eye opening and the reason we now need life coaches and dating experts in society... We now have to pay someone to teach us how to live and find love...
If you don’t agree with my statements , it’s not my fault ... blame my parents... they were evil people that raised me to take responsibility for my actions....
You have massively missed the point of everything. No one is saying they are absolved of any responsibility.....even the op admits she was stupid for falling for his hill shit again.
However, you seem to blame women for not understanding men. Your first post essentially tries to absolve men if responsibility for their action because.... hey.....they're men.
"Actually it is not her fault she fell in love with him again. Narcissist are very good at making that happen. They make you feel dependent on them. They separate you from your friends and family. They target people who are vulnerable to that which in a relationship is normally empaths. | |||
"Look I’m really not trying to be rude.... But does she bare any responsibility in his behavior? You guys are not medical doctors.... stop with this pseudoscience non sense.... Life is simple...... people will take advantage of you only if you keep allowing it.... You clearly have NO idea
I’m no medical doctor, I can only speak from life experience......
All the mistakes I’ve made in life... I have learned from them and not have repeated them...
I respect and love myself enough to not let anyone man or woman treat me badly.......
I will always take responsibility for my choices and will never be that friend who annoys my friends with women problems....
I don’t need to see a doctor if my relationship is going bad... I will just leave....
If I’m not happy, it’s not worth my time....
You can’t blame the other person for treating you badly if YOU KEEP ALLOWING IT TO HAPPEN.....
Yep.....no fucking clue.
Please enlighten me?
Can't be arsed. You see the world from your point of view and your point if view only.
If you don't understand manipulation, black mail and mind games you won't understand thus.
The world is very black and white to you.
This thread is very shocking to me and it’s opened my eyes to a lot of things...
The first thing I learned is personal responsibility does not exist anymore...
If something bad happens to me , it’s someone else’s fault...
If the same thing happens to me again, it’s still someone else’s fault...
This thread is very eye opening and the reason we now need life coaches and dating experts in society... We now have to pay someone to teach us how to live and find love...
If you don’t agree with my statements , it’s not my fault ... blame my parents... they were evil people that raised me to take responsibility for my actions....
You have massively missed the point of everything. No one is saying they are absolved of any responsibility.....even the op admits she was stupid for falling for his hill shit again.
However, you seem to blame women for not understanding men. Your first post essentially tries to absolve men if responsibility for their action because.... hey.....they're men.
Actually it is not her fault she fell in love with him again. Narcissist are very good at making that happen. They make you feel dependent on them. They separate you from your friends and family. They target people who are vulnerable to that which in a relationship is normally empaths."If you loaned me $10,000 , and I didn’t pay you back. Then I asked to barrow a additional $20,000 , and I promised to pay you back $30,000. You said yes.... Now you haven’t heard from me in 1 year.... Who’s fault is it that you don’t have $30,000 in your bank account? | |||
" ..... Psychological abuse, plain and simple. " Sounds a bit of an over used OTT statement, for what you've described seems much more of a selfish attitude of his part and lack of appreciation of your worth rather than a deliberate targetted approach to putting you down and making you feel degraded due to his insecurities, but that just how I'd see it. | |||
"I’m sorry this happened to you..... But I have to say this...... Men are not bad... we don’t intentionally try to be assholes or treat you women mean... it’s just that women can come on too strong sometimes... Then we get scared and run away.... it’s not like we don’t like you or want to be with you... it’s just the fact we don’t want to commit to any kind of relationship as fast as you do.... I’m not saying it’s your fault..... he behaved that way... I’m just trying to give you a man’s perspective to balance out your thread.... This is utter bullshit You have no clue about men......" You've completely missed the point. It's not about men having a clue about women or women having a clue about men. It's about her formerly being in a relationship with a manipulative taunt to put it plain and simple. This can happen to lots of people irrespective of gender, granted if physical abuse is involved too then it will occur with men more often merely due to their usual greater physical strength, but other than that a narcissist can be male or female. The same as one can be an empath irrespective of gender. Too many on these kind of threads are quick to jump onto the bandwagon both ways and identify themselves as part of a side based entirely on gender which is nonsense. Sometimes the person vilified rightly is male, sometimes female. But their being born with knackers or norks isn't what makes them such an insufferable twat really now is it? B | |||
" Actually it is not her fault she fell in love with him again. Narcissist are very good at making that happen. They make you feel dependent on them. They separate you from your friends and family. They target people who are vulnerable to that which in a relationship is normally empaths." Sorry but this sounds like something you read in cosmopolitan magazine. Empaths is just another spurious label, the same as narcissist, which is generally misappropriated by those that do not fully understand what they mean, or want an easy way to belittle someone or elevate themselves. Empathy is an attribute most people possess, as is narcissism but this does not mean that everyone is an empath or/and a narcissist. Both are very rare in reality however if you where to take the cosmo/Internet self help/Facebook test/MGOTW etc definition/indicators of either you could use isolated behaviours from any one of us and diagnose both in the same person. The one you choose will be whatever suits your/their agenda, it is called conformation bias and can be far removed from the truth. | |||
"I’m sorry this happened to you..... But I have to say this...... Men are not bad... we don’t intentionally try to be assholes or treat you women mean... it’s just that women can come on too strong sometimes... Then we get scared and run away.... it’s not like we don’t like you or want to be with you... it’s just the fact we don’t want to commit to any kind of relationship as fast as you do.... I’m not saying it’s your fault..... he behaved that way... I’m just trying to give you a man’s perspective to balance out your thread.... This is utter bullshit You have no clue about men...... You've completely missed the point. It's not about men having a clue about women or women having a clue about men. It's about her formerly being in a relationship with a manipulative taunt to put it plain and simple. This can happen to lots of people irrespective of gender, granted if physical abuse is involved too then it will occur with men more often merely due to their usual greater physical strength, but other than that a narcissist can be male or female. The same as one can be an empath irrespective of gender. Too many on these kind of threads are quick to jump onto the bandwagon both ways and identify themselves as part of a side based entirely on gender which is nonsense. Sometimes the person vilified rightly is male, sometimes female. But their being born with knackers or norks isn't what makes them such an insufferable twat really now is it? B" Totally agree. | |||
" Actually it is not her fault she fell in love with him again. Narcissist are very good at making that happen. They make you feel dependent on them. They separate you from your friends and family. They target people who are vulnerable to that which in a relationship is normally empaths. Sorry but this sounds like something you read in cosmopolitan magazine. Empaths is just another spurious label, the same as narcissist, which is generally misappropriated by those that do not fully understand what they mean, or want an easy way to belittle someone or elevate themselves. Empathy is an attribute most people possess, as is narcissism but this does not mean that everyone is an empath or/and a narcissist. Both are very rare in reality however if you where to take the cosmo/Internet self help/Facebook test/MGOTW etc definition/indicators of either you could use isolated behaviours from any one of us and diagnose both in the same person. The one you choose will be whatever suits your/their agenda, it is called conformation bias and can be far removed from the truth. " Most people are already aware that not everyone is either a narcissist or empath. Just because someone shows empathy does not make them an empath either. Then there are various degrees of it. There is a lot more to being an empath than that. Just the same as if someone is horrible that does not make them a narcissist. A lot of people do not recognise narcissism though. You do need a medical diagnosis to confirm it as well. | |||
"Look I’m really not trying to be rude.... But does she bare any responsibility in his behavior? You guys are not medical doctors.... stop with this pseudoscience non sense.... Life is simple...... people will take advantage of you only if you keep allowing it.... You clearly have NO idea
I’m no medical doctor, I can only speak from life experience......
All the mistakes I’ve made in life... I have learned from them and not have repeated them...
I respect and love myself enough to not let anyone man or woman treat me badly.......
I will always take responsibility for my choices and will never be that friend who annoys my friends with women problems....
I don’t need to see a doctor if my relationship is going bad... I will just leave....
If I’m not happy, it’s not worth my time....
You can’t blame the other person for treating you badly if YOU KEEP ALLOWING IT TO HAPPEN.....
Yep.....no fucking clue.
Please enlighten me?
Can't be arsed. You see the world from your point of view and your point if view only.
If you don't understand manipulation, black mail and mind games you won't understand thus.
The world is very black and white to you.
This thread is very shocking to me and it’s opened my eyes to a lot of things...
The first thing I learned is personal responsibility does not exist anymore...
If something bad happens to me , it’s someone else’s fault...
If the same thing happens to me again, it’s still someone else’s fault...
This thread is very eye opening and the reason we now need life coaches and dating experts in society... We now have to pay someone to teach us how to live and find love...
If you don’t agree with my statements , it’s not my fault ... blame my parents... they were evil people that raised me to take responsibility for my actions....
You have massively missed the point of everything. No one is saying they are absolved of any responsibility.....even the op admits she was stupid for falling for his hill shit again.
However, you seem to blame women for not understanding men. Your first post essentially tries to absolve men if responsibility for their action because.... hey.....they're men.
Actually it is not her fault she fell in love with him again. Narcissist are very good at making that happen. They make you feel dependent on them. They separate you from your friends and family. They target people who are vulnerable to that which in a relationship is normally empaths.
If you loaned me $10,000 , and I didn’t pay you back. Then I asked to barrow a additional $20,000 , and I promised to pay you back $30,000. You said yes....
Now you haven’t heard from me in 1 year....
Who’s fault is it that you don’t have $30,000 in your bank account?"Conveniently missing the point again that NO ONE has absolved themselves of blame except you trying to claim that it's the women's fault for coming on too strong and forcing the nan to run away. Similarly in you scenario above. You are not taking any responsibility for fleecing someone out if £30 grand you have no intention of giving back. You know you fucked them over once before yet choose to do it again. You are in the wrong for being a bad person, just like anyone who manipulates someone else's emotion. | |||
"Look I’m really not trying to be rude.... But does she bare any responsibility in his behavior? You guys are not medical doctors.... stop with this pseudoscience non sense.... Life is simple...... people will take advantage of you only if you keep allowing it.... You clearly have NO idea
I’m no medical doctor, I can only speak from life experience......
All the mistakes I’ve made in life... I have learned from them and not have repeated them...
I respect and love myself enough to not let anyone man or woman treat me badly.......
I will always take responsibility for my choices and will never be that friend who annoys my friends with women problems....
I don’t need to see a doctor if my relationship is going bad... I will just leave....
If I’m not happy, it’s not worth my time....
You can’t blame the other person for treating you badly if YOU KEEP ALLOWING IT TO HAPPEN.....
Yep.....no fucking clue.
Please enlighten me?
Can't be arsed. You see the world from your point of view and your point if view only.
If you don't understand manipulation, black mail and mind games you won't understand thus.
The world is very black and white to you.
This thread is very shocking to me and it’s opened my eyes to a lot of things...
The first thing I learned is personal responsibility does not exist anymore...
If something bad happens to me , it’s someone else’s fault...
If the same thing happens to me again, it’s still someone else’s fault...
This thread is very eye opening and the reason we now need life coaches and dating experts in society... We now have to pay someone to teach us how to live and find love...
If you don’t agree with my statements , it’s not my fault ... blame my parents... they were evil people that raised me to take responsibility for my actions....
You have massively missed the point of everything. No one is saying they are absolved of any responsibility.....even the op admits she was stupid for falling for his hill shit again.
However, you seem to blame women for not understanding men. Your first post essentially tries to absolve men if responsibility for their action because.... hey.....they're men.
Actually it is not her fault she fell in love with him again. Narcissist are very good at making that happen. They make you feel dependent on them. They separate you from your friends and family. They target people who are vulnerable to that which in a relationship is normally empaths.
If you loaned me $10,000 , and I didn’t pay you back. Then I asked to barrow a additional $20,000 , and I promised to pay you back $30,000. You said yes....
Now you haven’t heard from me in 1 year....
Who’s fault is it that you don’t have $30,000 in your bank account?
Conveniently missing the point again that NO ONE has absolved themselves of blame except you trying to claim that it's the women's fault for coming on too strong and forcing the nan to run away.
Similarly in you scenario above. You are not taking any responsibility for fleecing someone out if £30 grand you have no intention of giving back. You know you fucked them over once before yet choose to do it again. You are in the wrong for being a bad person, just like anyone who manipulates someone else's emotion. "Well said. | |||
| |||
"What's being gas lighted mean ? " "Gaslighting" is used to describe abusive behaviour, specifically when an abuser manipulates information in such a way as to make a victim question his or her sanity. Gaslighting intentionally makes someone doubt their memories or perception of reality. | |||
"What's being gas lighted mean ? "Gaslighting" is used to describe abusive behaviour, specifically when an abuser manipulates information in such a way as to make a victim question his or her sanity. Gaslighting intentionally makes someone doubt their memories or perception of reality." thanks | |||
"What's being gas lighted mean ? "Gaslighting" is used to describe abusive behaviour, specifically when an abuser manipulates information in such a way as to make a victim question his or her sanity. Gaslighting intentionally makes someone doubt their memories or perception of reality." A lot of people do this to a greater or lesser degree all the time. I question in my mind a lot of what people tell me because their words and actions don't match. That's the acid test I learned the hard way. A person needs a very strong sense of self and an ability to question what they're being told without being distracted by a wish to believe because of their relationship with the liar to escape this situation. | |||
"I was left questioning my own sanity in our "relationship" if you could call it that. I constantly felt like my words were falling on deaf ears yet my frustrations reduced to me being someone who was over reacting
Things like him not sticking to his word, actions never materialising and plans falling through. Only when he wants something, when it's convenient for him.
I'm writing this to remind myself to not slip back into thinking I'm the one to blame.
Psychological abuse, plain and simple.
I'm sure some of you have had similar experiences some worse than my own...
What are the signs?
How do you break free and avoid it happening again?
"Check out Craig and Margaret on Youtube. They are fantastic help on such matters. https://youtu.be/yLkl270jPkM | |||
| |||
"What's being gas lighted mean ? "Gaslighting" is used to describe abusive behaviour, specifically when an abuser manipulates information in such a way as to make a victim question his or her sanity. Gaslighting intentionally makes someone doubt their memories or perception of reality. A lot of people do this to a greater or lesser degree all the time. I question in my mind a lot of what people tell me because their words and actions don't match. That's the acid test I learned the hard way. A person needs a very strong sense of self and an ability to question what they're being told without being distracted by a wish to believe because of their relationship with the liar to escape this situation." Very true | |||
"I was left questioning my own sanity in our "relationship" if you could call it that. I constantly felt like my words were falling on deaf ears yet my frustrations reduced to me being someone who was over reacting
Things like him not sticking to his word, actions never materialising and plans falling through. Only when he wants something, when it's convenient for him.
I'm writing this to remind myself to not slip back into thinking I'm the one to blame.
Psychological abuse, plain and simple.
I'm sure some of you have had similar experiences some worse than my own...
What are the signs?
How do you break free and avoid it happening again?
"There are lots of signs but if you've never experienced it before then you won't recognise them or be able to name them. Here's a few I came to know. Not seeing you as a person. (If they're always talking of their needs etc but never yours) Not respecting you. (Jokes are always at your expense, they are disparaging about your career, humour, clothing, height, weight, voice, opinions, preferences, abilities) Suiting themselves and ignoring your needs. Being suspicious of time spent away from them Lying and refusing to admit the lie Turning problems or issues back at you. (I didn't want to come out tonight anyway you made me) in order to make you feel belittled There's several websites with lists of types and manifestations of coercive control and abusive behaviour. If you're in a relationship like this it can be hard to see it and even harder to get out of it. Well done OP X | |||
| |||
"Look I’m really not trying to be rude.... But does she bare any responsibility in his behavior? You guys are not medical doctors.... stop with this pseudoscience non sense.... Life is simple...... people will take advantage of you only if you keep allowing it.... You clearly have NO idea
I’m no medical doctor, I can only speak from life experience......
All the mistakes I’ve made in life... I have learned from them and not have repeated them...
I respect and love myself enough to not let anyone man or woman treat me badly.......
I will always take responsibility for my choices and will never be that friend who annoys my friends with women problems....
I don’t need to see a doctor if my relationship is going bad... I will just leave....
If I’m not happy, it’s not worth my time....
You can’t blame the other person for treating you badly if YOU KEEP ALLOWING IT TO HAPPEN.....
Yep.....no fucking clue.
Please enlighten me?
Can't be arsed. You see the world from your point of view and your point if view only.
If you don't understand manipulation, black mail and mind games you won't understand thus.
The world is very black and white to you.
This thread is very shocking to me and it’s opened my eyes to a lot of things...
The first thing I learned is personal responsibility does not exist anymore...
If something bad happens to me , it’s someone else’s fault...
If the same thing happens to me again, it’s still someone else’s fault...
This thread is very eye opening and the reason we now need life coaches and dating experts in society... We now have to pay someone to teach us how to live and find love...
If you don’t agree with my statements , it’s not my fault ... blame my parents... they were evil people that raised me to take responsibility for my actions....
You have massively missed the point of everything. No one is saying they are absolved of any responsibility.....even the op admits she was stupid for falling for his hill shit again.
However, you seem to blame women for not understanding men. Your first post essentially tries to absolve men if responsibility for their action because.... hey.....they're men.
Actually it is not her fault she fell in love with him again. Narcissist are very good at making that happen. They make you feel dependent on them. They separate you from your friends and family. They target people who are vulnerable to that which in a relationship is normally empaths.
If you loaned me $10,000 , and I didn’t pay you back. Then I asked to barrow a additional $20,000 , and I promised to pay you back $30,000. You said yes....
Now you haven’t heard from me in 1 year....
Who’s fault is it that you don’t have $30,000 in your bank account?
Conveniently missing the point again that NO ONE has absolved themselves of blame except you trying to claim that it's the women's fault for coming on too strong and forcing the nan to run away.
Similarly in you scenario above. You are not taking any responsibility for fleecing someone out if £30 grand you have no intention of giving back. You know you fucked them over once before yet choose to do it again. You are in the wrong for being a bad person, just like anyone who manipulates someone else's emotion. "Can I barrow $10,000? | |||
| |||
"I was left questioning my own sanity in our "relationship" if you could call it that. I constantly felt like my words were falling on deaf ears yet my frustrations reduced to me being someone who was over reacting
Things like him not sticking to his word, actions never materialising and plans falling through. Only when he wants something, when it's convenient for him.
I'm writing this to remind myself to not slip back into thinking I'm the one to blame.
Psychological abuse, plain and simple.
I'm sure some of you have had similar experiences some worse than my own...
What are the signs?
How do you break free and avoid it happening again?
There are lots of signs but if you've never experienced it before then you won't recognise them or be able to name them.
Here's a few I came to know.
Not seeing you as a person.
(If they're always talking of their needs etc but never yours)
Not respecting you.
(Jokes are always at your expense, they are disparaging about your career, humour, clothing, height, weight, voice, opinions, preferences, abilities)
Suiting themselves and ignoring your needs.
Being suspicious of time spent away from them
Lying and refusing to admit the lie
Turning problems or issues back at you. (I didn't want to come out tonight anyway you made me) in order to make you feel belittled
There's several websites with lists of types and manifestations of coercive control and abusive behaviour.
If you're in a relationship like this it can be hard to see it and even harder to get out of it.
Well done OP
X"  | |||
"I always use the ‘Auric Goldfinger’ aphorism: “one is happenstance, twice is coincidence, three times is enemy action”. " I live by this golden nugget..... “ Fool me once , shame on you. Fool me twice , shame on me “ | |||
| |||
"There seems to be a few trying to argue against people's actual horrendous experiences, based purely on just their own opinion (no experience).They clearly have no actual understanding of the situation and the long term effects, but this is not their fault. I wonder if they do have some experience of being accused of narcacism (probably wrongly so) by an ex, which in turn is maybe why women seem to be their focus? - Could be way off. Eitherway I think whether someone is mistreated by an actual narcasist, or someone on that spectrum is not important, they could be just a plain old complete and utter selfish bastard arsehole. But the point is people have been mistreated, often terribly. They need sympathy. My thoughts are with you all. x"
Perfect post | |||
"There seems to be a few trying to argue against people's actual horrendous experiences, based purely on just their own opinion (no experience).They clearly have no actual understanding of the situation and the long term effects, but this is not their fault. I wonder if they do have some experience of being accused of narcacism (probably wrongly so) by an ex, which in turn is maybe why women seem to be their focus? - Could be way off. Eitherway I think whether someone is mistreated by an actual narcasist, or someone on that spectrum is not important, they could be just a plain old complete and utter selfish bastard arsehole. But the point is people have been mistreated, often terribly. They need sympathy. My thoughts are with you all. x
Perfect post "Thank you x | |||
"There seems to be a few trying to argue against people's actual horrendous experiences, based purely on just their own opinion (no experience).They clearly have no actual understanding of the situation and the long term effects, but this is not their fault. I wonder if they do have some experience of being accused of narcacism (probably wrongly so) by an ex, which in turn is maybe why women seem to be their focus? - Could be way off. Eitherway I think whether someone is mistreated by an actual narcasist, or someone on that spectrum is not important, they could be just a plain old complete and utter selfish bastard arsehole. But the point is people have been mistreated, often terribly. They need sympathy. My thoughts are with you all. x" Or maybe they actually understand the concept of personal responsibility and can see that blind sympathy is just enabling the repetition of these "horrendous" experiences. The op has even acknowledged that if she hadn't returned to the relationship it would not have happened again, this is after already acknowledging it previously with the first post. It is the equivalent of putting your hand in the fire repeatedly and blaming the fire for being hot. It is also a very important distinction between whether the person is actually a narcissist (statistically highly unlikely) or just an arsehole. By calling them a narcissist you are implying that you couldn't possibly have known what was happening because they are some sort of predatory, master deceptionist hell bent on destroying you. In reality the warning signs that the relation ship is toxic will have been there from the beginning, they where just ignored. This happens either because you think you can change them, ignore them because you want the sex or are lonely. Some put up with pshycos because they are pretty and having a trophy wife/husband is more important. Money and status also blind people as does the desire to start a family or not be left on the scrap heap. In these, and other instances it is their own failing that are keeping them in a toxic relationship. If you allow them to ignore this fact and lay all of the blame with their partner then they are just going to repeat this cycle with every relationship they have. So pointing out this is actually of more benefit than the "sympathy" they receive, especially when the sympathy comes with a hidden agenda such as wanting to get in their knickers (which is actual predatory behavior when you can see that they are vulnerable) or highlight your own "horrendous" experiences either to garner sympathy, or open a conversation/connection (again, potentially predatory). Non of what I, or the majority of the other posters said has excused the other parties behavior but it seems that people would rather imply that we have to deflect from the actual point being made and keep all blame squarely on the other side. This is manipulative behavior, but don`t worry, I wont call you a narcissist.... | |||
| |||
"I was left questioning my own sanity in our "relationship" if you could call it that. I constantly felt like my words were falling on deaf ears yet my frustrations reduced to me being someone who was over reacting
Things like him not sticking to his word, actions never materialising and plans falling through. Only when he wants something, when it's convenient for him.
I'm writing this to remind myself to not slip back into thinking I'm the one to blame.
Psychological abuse, plain and simple.
I'm sure some of you have had similar experiences some worse than my own...
What are the signs?
How do you break free and avoid it happening again?
"First time i have heard of the term gaslighting. I hope you can find solice and happiness in your decisions on this situation. | |||
"There seems to be a few trying to argue against people's actual horrendous experiences, based purely on just their own opinion (no experience).They clearly have no actual understanding of the situation and the long term effects, but this is not their fault. I wonder if they do have some experience of being accused of narcacism (probably wrongly so) by an ex, which in turn is maybe why women seem to be their focus? - Could be way off. Eitherway I think whether someone is mistreated by an actual narcasist, or someone on that spectrum is not important, they could be just a plain old complete and utter selfish bastard arsehole. But the point is people have been mistreated, often terribly. They need sympathy. My thoughts are with you all. x Or maybe they actually understand the concept of personal responsibility and can see that blind sympathy is just enabling the repetition of these "horrendous" experiences. The op has even acknowledged that if she hadn't returned to the relationship it would not have happened again, this is after already acknowledging it previously with the first post. It is the equivalent of putting your hand in the fire repeatedly and blaming the fire for being hot. It is also a very important distinction between whether the person is actually a narcissist (statistically highly unlikely) or just an arsehole. By calling them a narcissist you are implying that you couldn't possibly have known what was happening because they are some sort of predatory, master deceptionist hell bent on destroying you. In reality the warning signs that the relation ship is toxic will have been there from the beginning, they where just ignored. This happens either because you think you can change them, ignore them because you want the sex or are lonely. Some put up with pshycos because they are pretty and having a trophy wife/husband is more important. Money and status also blind people as does the desire to start a family or not be left on the scrap heap. In these, and other instances it is their own failing that are keeping them in a toxic relationship. If you allow them to ignore this fact and lay all of the blame with their partner then they are just going to repeat this cycle with every relationship they have. So pointing out this is actually of more benefit than the "sympathy" they receive, especially when the sympathy comes with a hidden agenda such as wanting to get in their knickers (which is actual predatory behavior when you can see that they are vulnerable) or highlight your own "horrendous" experiences either to garner sympathy, or open a conversation/connection (again, potentially predatory). Non of what I, or the majority of the other posters said has excused the other parties behavior but it seems that people would rather imply that we have to deflect from the actual point being made and keep all blame squarely on the other side. This is manipulative behavior, but don`t worry, I wont call you a narcissist.... " Well said! | |||
"I think in order to prevent this happening to you again and again you need to recognise what it is in you that enables someone to treat you this way. That isn't victim blaming but if you don't acknowledge that these people seek out certain characteristics to exploit and actively try to prevent that you're in for a rough ride." They tend to seek out empaths as they are easier targets. You cannot just stop being an empath though. Empaths do have amazing BS detectors though but they do not work great in relationships if at all. If you can get it working in that situation then it will not happen again but that is easier said then done. | |||
(haven’t googled the term yet but, my heart is pounding reading this!)
i hadn’t realised there were actual terms for this type of behaviour...
im not sure i can actually put words to some of the things that ive experienced.... i can’t breathe with the weight of pain on my chest recalling somethings.....
from the few things here ive read... i can’t answer my own questions of why i put up with far worse....
mental torture & physical abuse...
i 100% know people still think i was so bad to him...
i fully believed i was nothing & the cause of everything
i withdrew from everything & everyone i knew
he told me daily that i drove everyone away from him
without actually saying i wasn’t allowed to go anywhere, he made sure i didn’t even visit family
he rarely shared the same house as me, leaving me to live by myself & choosing to have his own place
he screamed & shouted at me so often, it became ‘normal’ & even tho i was terrified, i desperately tried to apologise & make everything better
no one sees thru him
everyone believes his stories about what a troubled life he has had & how evil i am
the physical abuse was always triggered by nothing that i was aware of
things that happened when i wasn’t around was obviously my fault
the day he had a knife to my throat while i was sat on his sofa, was a massive shock & only stopped as his friend walked in...
| |||
"I was left questioning my own sanity in our "relationship" if you could call it that. I constantly felt like my words were falling on deaf ears yet my frustrations reduced to me being someone who was over reacting
Things like him not sticking to his word, actions never materialising and plans falling through. Only when he wants something, when it's convenient for him.
I'm writing this to remind myself to not slip back into thinking I'm the one to blame.
Psychological abuse, plain and simple.
I'm sure some of you have had similar experiences some worse than my own...
What are the signs?
How do you break free and avoid it happening again?
"Seeing the patterns and signs are really important. Look in your area for the freedom program it's a very could course to help you see the signs of abusive toxic relationships. | |||
"
(haven’t googled the term yet but, my heart is pounding reading this!)
i hadn’t realised there were actual terms for this type of behaviour...
im not sure i can actually put words to some of the things that ive experienced.... i can’t breathe with the weight of pain on my chest recalling somethings.....
from the few things here ive read... i can’t answer my own questions of why i put up with far worse....
mental torture & physical abuse...
i 100% know people still think i was so bad to him...
i fully believed i was nothing & the cause of everything
i withdrew from everything & everyone i knew
he told me daily that i drove everyone away from him
without actually saying i wasn’t allowed to go anywhere, he made sure i didn’t even visit family
he rarely shared the same house as me, leaving me to live by myself & choosing to have his own place
he screamed & shouted at me so often, it became ‘normal’ & even tho i was terrified, i desperately tried to apologise & make everything better
no one sees thru him
everyone believes his stories about what a troubled life he has had & how evil i am
the physical abuse was always triggered by nothing that i was aware of
things that happened when i wasn’t around was obviously my fault
the day he had a knife to my throat while i was sat on his sofa, was a massive shock & only stopped as his friend walked in...
"Look up the things that have been discussed as there is a lot about it on the Internet on reliable websites. Maybe confide in your GP. If it is still going on and is still as bad as you describe consider installing an app called Voice Pro on your smartphone which is an excellent audio recorder. Only use if you have a flip case or wallet case on your phone so it cannot be seen that it is recording. Practice with the app before hand so you get use to it. Just be very careful using it. | |||
| |||
"
(haven’t googled the term yet but, my heart is pounding reading this!)
i hadn’t realised there were actual terms for this type of behaviour...
im not sure i can actually put words to some of the things that ive experienced.... i can’t breathe with the weight of pain on my chest recalling somethings.....
from the few things here ive read... i can’t answer my own questions of why i put up with far worse....
mental torture & physical abuse...
i 100% know people still think i was so bad to him...
i fully believed i was nothing & the cause of everything
i withdrew from everything & everyone i knew
he told me daily that i drove everyone away from him
without actually saying i wasn’t allowed to go anywhere, he made sure i didn’t even visit family
he rarely shared the same house as me, leaving me to live by myself & choosing to have his own place
he screamed & shouted at me so often, it became ‘normal’ & even tho i was terrified, i desperately tried to apologise & make everything better
no one sees thru him
everyone believes his stories about what a troubled life he has had & how evil i am
the physical abuse was always triggered by nothing that i was aware of
things that happened when i wasn’t around was obviously my fault
the day he had a knife to my throat while i was sat on his sofa, was a massive shock & only stopped as his friend walked in...
"Google 'Women's Aid'. Their website has a lot of useful information that will help you. It's not your fault. Also look up domestic violence resources in your area. X | |||
"I think in order to prevent this happening to you again and again you need to recognise what it is in you that enables someone to treat you this way. That isn't victim blaming but if you don't acknowledge that these people seek out certain characteristics to exploit and actively try to prevent that you're in for a rough ride. They tend to seek out empaths as they are easier targets. You cannot just stop being an empath though. Empaths do have amazing BS detectors though but they do not work great in relationships if at all. If you can get it working in that situation then it will not happen again but that is easier said then done." Yes, I know. Fortunately I managed it. | |||
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"There seems to be a few trying to argue against people's actual horrendous experiences, based purely on just their own opinion (no experience).They clearly have no actual understanding of the situation and the long term effects, but this is not their fault. I wonder if they do have some experience of being accused of narcacism (probably wrongly so) by an ex, which in turn is maybe why women seem to be their focus? - Could be way off. Eitherway I think whether someone is mistreated by an actual narcasist, or someone on that spectrum is not important, they could be just a plain old complete and utter selfish bastard arsehole. But the point is people have been mistreated, often terribly. They need sympathy. My thoughts are with you all. x Or maybe they actually understand the concept of personal responsibility and can see that blind sympathy is just enabling the repetition of these "horrendous" experiences. The op has even acknowledged that if she hadn't returned to the relationship it would not have happened again, this is after already acknowledging it previously with the first post. It is the equivalent of putting your hand in the fire repeatedly and blaming the fire for being hot. It is also a very important distinction between whether the person is actually a narcissist (statistically highly unlikely) or just an arsehole. By calling them a narcissist you are implying that you couldn't possibly have known what was happening because they are some sort of predatory, master deceptionist hell bent on destroying you. In reality the warning signs that the relation ship is toxic will have been there from the beginning, they where just ignored. This happens either because you think you can change them, ignore them because you want the sex or are lonely. Some put up with pshycos because they are pretty and having a trophy wife/husband is more important. Money and status also blind people as does the desire to start a family or not be left on the scrap heap. In these, and other instances it is their own failing that are keeping them in a toxic relationship. If you allow them to ignore this fact and lay all of the blame with their partner then they are just going to repeat this cycle with every relationship they have. So pointing out this is actually of more benefit than the "sympathy" they receive, especially when the sympathy comes with a hidden agenda such as wanting to get in their knickers (which is actual predatory behavior when you can see that they are vulnerable) or highlight your own "horrendous" experiences either to garner sympathy, or open a conversation/connection (again, potentially predatory). Non of what I, or the majority of the other posters said has excused the other parties behavior but it seems that people would rather imply that we have to deflect from the actual point being made and keep all blame squarely on the other side. This is manipulative behavior, but don`t worry, I wont call you a narcissist.... " Bit of a low blow to suggest I am trying to get into a lady's 'knickers' as my reasoning for adding to the thread. First of all I live no where near any of them? On top of that my profile very clearly states I am looking for a couple??? I suggest you do some research next time, as your claim makes no sense and has zero foundation whatsoever - not one bit of it. You also suggest I have spoken of my own 'horrendous experiences' for the same purpose. I have shared my experiences the same as everybody else? That is the aim of the forum, sharing experiences and giving advice. If a woman says she was abused, she is wrong. If a man says the same he must be trying to have sex with the woman..... I would also like to point out that victims do go back to their abusers. This is even the case for victims of violent abuse. Because OP went back does not mean anything, or take away from what she went through, it certainly does not mean she shares any blame for what she went through. Blame lies soley at the feet of the abuser, whatever the situation as what they are doing is wrong. Your reasoning for victims staying with abusers for money, trophy partner etc. are questionable. I stayed with my wife because I loved her and feared losing my family. This was all part of the trap. So much more to it as well, complicated. I won't be posting on this thread again, I think we have got our wires crossed and it has turned a bit sour. I bear no ill feelings and wish everybody all the best. I think the message from Hiddenlight sums up the positives from this thread | |||
"There seems to be a few trying to argue against people's actual horrendous experiences, based purely on just their own opinion (no experience).They clearly have no actual understanding of the situation and the long term effects, but this is not their fault. I wonder if they do have some experience of being accused of narcacism (probably wrongly so) by an ex, which in turn is maybe why women seem to be their focus? - Could be way off. Eitherway I think whether someone is mistreated by an actual narcasist, or someone on that spectrum is not important, they could be just a plain old complete and utter selfish bastard arsehole. But the point is people have been mistreated, often terribly. They need sympathy. My thoughts are with you all. x Or maybe they actually understand the concept of personal responsibility and can see that blind sympathy is just enabling the repetition of these "horrendous" experiences. The op has even acknowledged that if she hadn't returned to the relationship it would not have happened again, this is after already acknowledging it previously with the first post. It is the equivalent of putting your hand in the fire repeatedly and blaming the fire for being hot. It is also a very important distinction between whether the person is actually a narcissist (statistically highly unlikely) or just an arsehole. By calling them a narcissist you are implying that you couldn't possibly have known what was happening because they are some sort of predatory, master deceptionist hell bent on destroying you. In reality the warning signs that the relation ship is toxic will have been there from the beginning, they where just ignored. This happens either because you think you can change them, ignore them because you want the sex or are lonely. Some put up with pshycos because they are pretty and having a trophy wife/husband is more important. Money and status also blind people as does the desire to start a family or not be left on the scrap heap. In these, and other instances it is their own failing that are keeping them in a toxic relationship. If you allow them to ignore this fact and lay all of the blame with their partner then they are just going to repeat this cycle with every relationship they have. So pointing out this is actually of more benefit than the "sympathy" they receive, especially when the sympathy comes with a hidden agenda such as wanting to get in their knickers (which is actual predatory behavior when you can see that they are vulnerable) or highlight your own "horrendous" experiences either to garner sympathy, or open a conversation/connection (again, potentially predatory). Non of what I, or the majority of the other posters said has excused the other parties behavior but it seems that people would rather imply that we have to deflect from the actual point being made and keep all blame squarely on the other side. This is manipulative behavior, but don`t worry, I wont call you a narcissist.... " Please leave common sense out of this thread... | |||
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"Fabswingers at its best. There are some truly insightful comments here and, in my opinion, this is a well balanced thread. I agree with the posters that there are rarely any absolutes. I work with people who have so-called personality disorders. Among them are people with narcissistic personality disorders. They are very rare, in the sense that the extreme presentations are necessary for the diagnosis. It is heartbreaking to read some of the commenters experiences, my heart truly goes out to you. Personally, I think the labels of empath and narcissist are unhelpful as they can fit many people at different times, as others have said. What is common to the people who have been affected by "narcissists" is the abuse. Regardless of the label, abuse of any kind, psychological, sexual or physical, is never, ever warranted and I urge people affected to seek help from the many organisations that offer support, including the brilliant Samaritans who will help and signpost to other more specific support agencies. Take it seriously, if someone is making you feel awful, seek external help if you do not feel you can remedy the situation on your own. Personal and intimate relationships are what life is about, but they also potentially provide a private environment for abusive behaviour that the rest of the world cannot see. Thank you for all you wonderful commenters, I have learnt from this thread and, to the OP, thank you for your brave post. " | |||
"Empathy and narcissism are poles on a sliding scale, with most people at neither extreme.Psychological abuse and manipulation is and has been rife in most family dynamics for countless generations to some degree. Regardless of wheather someone suffers by the hands of a person who has or hasn't a cluster B personality disorder, or wheather or not they are purposely or unconsciously wronging their target(s), the fact remains their targets are suffering. It's like if a person is constantly ill from food poisoning. The most important thing initially is not wheather or not the cook is poisoning them deliberately, it's that the affected person identifies there's a problem and take steps to free themselves from it. I have the highest respect and admiration for those who have identified this abuse in their lives. To do so involves not only identifying the failings of those who has wronged you, but also their own failings in being vulnerable to and conditioned to abuse. I don't like the term victim for those who have survived and learned from these dynamics, as they have not remained victims but instead have become more self aware, better rounded graduates of dysfunction. They realise and understand what countless generations before us never could and by doing so they are breaking age old vicious circles that have caused needless suffering since civilization began. Those who emotionally abuse others are too selfish and too flawed. Those who are emotionally abused by others are too selfless and too flawed. We all have flaws. We should all strive to have a healthy self worth and awareness closer to the middle of the Narc/Empath Scale. So many of those who have posted here having experienced these negative dynamics, have risen above their hurt, risen above blaming and taken responsibility for their own happiness. They have posted here not for gain but to help others like the OP to become aware and take steps like they have, to lead more self-determined and self-accountable lives. Most people who emotionally abuse are the result of abuse themselves, as are those who were victimized. Unfortunately most of those who recognize and change will be former victims, because they are used to facing their flaws and searching for where they are going wrong. These graduates of dysfunction graduate because they learn to eventually be fair to themselves, to forgive themselves for human naivety, become enlightened and to accept the naivety of those they broke away from who they once allowed to abused them. These graduates, like all of us, will never be perfect, but the brilliant thing about them is they look inside themselves, know they are not and never will be perfect, but they have the ability to learn everyday and the will to live better....regardless of how this effects their chances of getting into someone elses smalls ! Now if you'd all turn to page 23 of your hymn book and..... "This! Spot on! Apart from the hymn book.. | |||
and for taking the time to reply.
im a little embarrassed i waded in on this post....
sorry!
i honestly don’t know what compelled me to jump in & share anything about my life  | |||
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