FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swinging Support and Advice > Meeting alone
Meeting alone
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"To be honest no i wouldnt be prepared to include them. If im meeting a guy as a single thats what id expect to get. It would be to much like hard work for me. " That's cool, if you knew it was new ground for them it would be too much effort. I can understand that. P | |||
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"To be honest no i wouldnt be prepared to include them. If im meeting a guy as a single thats what id expect to get. It would be to much like hard work for me. That's cool, if you knew it was new ground for them it would be too much effort. I can understand that. P" If i knew it was new ground i wouldnt arrange a meet anyway same as i wouldnt meet any newbie | |||
"I (C) have been looking to meet alone as hubby is away with work Monday to Friday...but we find that most guys wont take the time to reassure him. We are after someone who will do exactly as you have described. " I just think as a community and decent humans we have a responsibility to all involved, even if they aren't directly involved. The not my monkeys not my circus mindset just shows lack of care to me personally, but I do understand that I'm highly sensitive to myself and others. The "I don't want the drama" is a lame excuse I feel, as if done with care and consideration then there shouldn't be any drama in reality P | |||
"To be honest no i wouldnt be prepared to include them. If im meeting a guy as a single thats what id expect to get. It would be to much like hard work for me. That's cool, if you knew it was new ground for them it would be too much effort. I can understand that. PIf i knew it was new ground i wouldnt arrange a meet anyway same as i wouldnt meet any newbie" I can totally understand that. P | |||
"I (C) have been looking to meet alone as hubby is away with work Monday to Friday...but we find that most guys wont take the time to reassure him. We are after someone who will do exactly as you have described. I just think as a community and decent humans we have a responsibility to all involved, even if they aren't directly involved. The not my monkeys not my circus mindset just shows lack of care to me personally, but I do understand that I'm highly sensitive to myself and others. The "I don't want the drama" is a lame excuse I feel, as if done with care and consideration then there shouldn't be any drama in reality P" so because i dont want to meet a newbie im not a decent human being? | |||
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"I (C) have been looking to meet alone as hubby is away with work Monday to Friday...but we find that most guys wont take the time to reassure him. We are after someone who will do exactly as you have described. I just think as a community and decent humans we have a responsibility to all involved, even if they aren't directly involved. The not my monkeys not my circus mindset just shows lack of care to me personally, but I do understand that I'm highly sensitive to myself and others. The "I don't want the drama" is a lame excuse I feel, as if done with care and consideration then there shouldn't be any drama in reality Pso because i dont want to meet a newbie im not a decent human being?" Not in the slightest, I maybe didn't make it clear. I meant by not taking other peoples feelings into consideration. You are taking others feelings into consideration by saying they aren't for you, therefore wouldn't meet them. Hope that makes sense P | |||
"I think it really depends on the personalities involved and how it’s introduced. If it seems straightforward and understandable and is introduced at the top of the conversation that’s one thing, but if it’s slipped in once the conversation is well under way and it isn’t clear what everyone’s agendas are I think it likely that I’d be pretty pissed off. It would feel like the goal posts had been moved significantly. " Agree completely. I think being honest and saying "this is new ground for us and of course there are nerves and concerns" is the perfect way to start off. P | |||
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"Following... also considering taking the plunge into separate meets. Only just dipped our toes in so far and keen to hear everyone's thoughts on how this works for them x " Welcome aboard! I think it would be good for us to share concerns, fears, highs, lows etc. Everyone has to start somewhere and I'm sure lots were tentative beforehand. Would be advantageous I believe if they opened up and shared their past vulnerability, how they got past it etc. P | |||
"I might have sounded cold in my response but from my point of view if they had never done it before and i reassured the partner and i was the first woman the guy slept with what would happen if the woman freaked out afterwards and couldnt deal with it and it caused problems in their relationship. I wouldnt want to be responsible for that" Thank you, I totally respect that, and that's part of why I'm asking. If you thought all was cool and it turned out it wasn't you'd have probably felt like you'd been led on into thinking everything was hunky dory, and feel like shit if you'd been part of the upset, whereas had you known beforehand and been given the cards on the table you could have (if you still would have met, not that you would knowing the facts) done all you could to make the situation a comfortable and considerate one. X P | |||
"Afternoon all, wanting to pick your brains and hear of your own experiences if you'd be so kind to share. Going from meeting as a couple to meeting alone is a huge step. One fraught with fears of the unknown for me especially (P) Do you have any key pieces of advice? Would you be willing to chat with the partner who wouldn't be at the meet and include them in so much as getting to know them too even though they'll not be there, to reassure them of your intentions so to speak and have them feel some level of inclusion? Everyone who's met alone has been new to that side at some point, and as a community would you think "fuck that shit I don't wanna get involved" or would you call on your own experiences to help make the transition a smooth and comfortable one for all? Answers on a postcard, or right there on this thread. Much love P" When I meet I chat to the couple, especially if I’m meeting the woman, to reassure them both that my intentions are only for a relaxed and pleasurable ff only meet. I/we prefer to include both in the conversation on our couples profile, even if we’re only meeting one of them. Viv xx | |||
"Afternoon all, wanting to pick your brains and hear of your own experiences if you'd be so kind to share. Going from meeting as a couple to meeting alone is a huge step. One fraught with fears of the unknown for me especially (P) Do you have any key pieces of advice? Would you be willing to chat with the partner who wouldn't be at the meet and include them in so much as getting to know them too even though they'll not be there, to reassure them of your intentions so to speak and have them feel some level of inclusion? Everyone who's met alone has been new to that side at some point, and as a community would you think "fuck that shit I don't wanna get involved" or would you call on your own experiences to help make the transition a smooth and comfortable one for all? Answers on a postcard, or right there on this thread. Much love P When I meet I chat to the couple, especially if I’m meeting the woman, to reassure them both that my intentions are only for a relaxed and pleasurable ff only meet. I/we prefer to include both in the conversation on our couples profile, even if we’re only meeting one of them. Viv xx" To me that's just basic good manners and something I have always done. I've wanted to make sure everyone was on the same page, happy and comfortable. Even when conversing on singles profiles to part of a couple, it has just seemed natural to talk to both on both their singles profiles. P | |||
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"I met a guy who was part of a couple a few times. I was ok with her knowing until she started demanding pics, then videos and trying to tell me she wanted me to do this and that with her man. No thanks love!! " Yeah that's not within what had been agreed! P | |||
"I have met alone now on 2 occasions ...Adrian is having his first time alone next week with a couple we know..." Do you feel more comfortable with it being people you already know? Have they taken concerns etc into consideration and been understanding? I'm guessing they have with the meet going ahead! P | |||
"I have met alone now on 2 occasions ...Adrian is having his first time alone next week with a couple we know... Do you feel more comfortable with it being people you already know? Have they taken concerns etc into consideration and been understanding? I'm guessing they have with the meet going ahead! P" The only thing that has annoyed me is that all the communication about it..came through Adrian. They didn't come and talk to me.. Thing is I've been wanting him to play alone for ages and he is the one that's been unsure..so I'm glad he is. Hopefully will help him feel more confident | |||
"I met a guy who was part of a couple a few times. I was ok with her knowing until she started demanding pics, then videos and trying to tell me she wanted me to do this and that with her man. No thanks love!! Yeah that's not within what had been agreed! P" Ps I didn't meet or chat with her beforehand, and I probably wouldn't want to if the situation arose again but I can totally understand why the female of the couple would want to  | |||
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"I have met alone now on 2 occasions ...Adrian is having his first time alone next week with a couple we know... Do you feel more comfortable with it being people you already know? Have they taken concerns etc into consideration and been understanding? I'm guessing they have with the meet going ahead! P The only thing that has annoyed me is that all the communication about it..came through Adrian. They didn't come and talk to me.. Thing is I've been wanting him to play alone for ages and he is the one that's been unsure..so I'm glad he is. Hopefully will help him feel more confident " Did you feel a little cast aside at them not talking to you? P | |||
"I have met alone now on 2 occasions ...Adrian is having his first time alone next week with a couple we know... Do you feel more comfortable with it being people you already know? Have they taken concerns etc into consideration and been understanding? I'm guessing they have with the meet going ahead! P The only thing that has annoyed me is that all the communication about it..came through Adrian. They didn't come and talk to me.. Thing is I've been wanting him to play alone for ages and he is the one that's been unsure..so I'm glad he is. Hopefully will help him feel more confident Did you feel a little cast aside at them not talking to you? P" Slightly but we have known them for about 9 years now so i know it wasn't done purposely | |||
"I don't know if I'm just over sensitive or over considerate or what, but I've always taken the other person into consideration, I've sent flowers to the female half if I've met the male half alone. To me that's a show of appreciation showing them they're being thought about and cared for and they've always been recieved with joy and warmth I suppose it's time to accept that very few people are like me who look at a whole picture rather than a moment. I think that's quite sad actually. P" For me it would depend on the type of the profile. If it's a couple's profile where they say they meet separately as well and I would intend to meet only one of them - then I would be expecting to chat to both. If it's a single's profile - I'd expect no involvement from the other half at all, even if it's stated they're part of a couple. | |||
"I don't know if I'm just over sensitive or over considerate or what, but I've always taken the other person into consideration, I've sent flowers to the female half if I've met the male half alone. To me that's a show of appreciation showing them they're being thought about and cared for and they've always been recieved with joy and warmth I suppose it's time to accept that very few people are like me who look at a whole picture rather than a moment. I think that's quite sad actually. P For me it would depend on the type of the profile. If it's a couple's profile where they say they meet separately as well and I would intend to meet only one of them - then I would be expecting to chat to both. If it's a single's profile - I'd expect no involvement from the other half at all, even if it's stated they're part of a couple." Do you think it's responsible of the one your talking to on a singles profile to mention it's new ground for them, and that there are nerves and worries, or do you think it's a case of none of your business, you don't care? P | |||
"To be honest no i wouldnt be prepared to include them. If im meeting a guy as a single thats what id expect to get. It would be to much like hard work for me. "  same here. | |||
"I've started meeting on my own very recently. The only concern husband and I have is my safety as I'm alone in stranger's house who we know nothing about (whether it's 1-1 meet or with a couple). I don't expect them to meet my husband too to reassure him and wouldn't be suggesting that. Having said so I would appreciate if he/they offered it. For that reason I always meet for social only first, am cautious of the ones who say they've met people before but not asked for veris or unverified profiles. Verifications mean to me they're safe to meet. And really trust your gut no matter how tempted you are. If something doesn't add up or feels off - stay away, stay safe. When we meet together via our couples profile - we're happy to meet both for social even if the intention is to play with only one." That sums us up right there really, especially if mrs is meeting alone usually there has been several weeks of chatting and so forth she does like the build up.Club meets only have helped as well feels safer for her and for me as well that I know she is a safe place. OP just go with your gut instinct | |||
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"I don't know if I'm just over sensitive or over considerate or what, but I've always taken the other person into consideration, I've sent flowers to the female half if I've met the male half alone. To me that's a show of appreciation showing them they're being thought about and cared for and they've always been recieved with joy and warmth I suppose it's time to accept that very few people are like me who look at a whole picture rather than a moment. I think that's quite sad actually. P For me it would depend on the type of the profile. If it's a couple's profile where they say they meet separately as well and I would intend to meet only one of them - then I would be expecting to chat to both. If it's a single's profile - I'd expect no involvement from the other half at all, even if it's stated they're part of a couple. Do you think it's responsible of the one your talking to on a singles profile to mention it's new ground for them, and that there are nerves and worries, or do you think it's a case of none of your business, you don't care? P" Of course it's reasonable. Some will understand and go at your pace and with reassurances you're asking for while others will see it as a waste of time as they want to move fast. It's same as anything new you try. | |||
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"This thread isn't intended to make anyone feel bad btw or suggest that they don't give a shit about others. The thread isn't about meeting "without consent" so no one is uncaring when considering what they would do, often the opposite, so hope no one feels this way! Neither is it about when discussions of partners come up in conversations? Though that is a valid point with profiles set up like that, meeting as a single that suddenly becomes a couple late on and so forth. It's just to ask if you wanted to meet someone as a single and were told that all meets of theirs had to be ok'd and vetoed with their OH through a series of phone calls or meeting with them first face to face or whatever to assure them of your intentions, would this be perfectly straightforward for you to do (quite understandable and worth the effort if done at length and correctly) or would you instead be likely to find someone for whom this didn't need to be taken into consideration (no drama for anyone)? B" If I knew them already I might be ok with chatting to the partner. But most likely it would put me off and I wouldn't meet them at all. I'd be concerned the partner wasn't truly happy about the situation. It's not my place to reassure them about anything. I'd assume they don't feel secure enough with the situation.  | |||
"This thread isn't intended to make anyone feel bad btw or suggest that they don't give a shit about others. The thread isn't about meeting "without consent" so no one is uncaring when considering what they would do, often the opposite, so hope no one feels this way! Neither is it about when discussions of partners come up in conversations? Though that is a valid point with profiles set up like that, meeting as a single that suddenly becomes a couple late on and so forth. It's just to ask if you wanted to meet someone as a single and were told that all meets of theirs had to be ok'd and vetoed with their OH through a series of phone calls or meeting with them first face to face or whatever to assure them of your intentions, would this be perfectly straightforward for you to do (quite understandable and worth the effort if done at length and correctly) or would you instead be likely to find someone for whom this didn't need to be taken into consideration (no drama for anyone)? B If I knew them already I might be ok with chatting to the partner. But most likely it would put me off and I wouldn't meet them at all. I'd be concerned the partner wasn't truly happy about the situation. It's not my place to reassure them about anything. I'd assume they don't feel secure enough with the situation. "And that's true, I know full well I'm not secure enough with people I don't know. I don't know them therefore don't trust them. There are people that I AM secure enough to believe I will be able to wish them all a great time, because I've built a bond with them and they understand me, they understand concerns I have, and me theirs. P | |||
"This thread isn't intended to make anyone feel bad btw or suggest that they don't give a shit about others. The thread isn't about meeting "without consent" so no one is uncaring when considering what they would do, often the opposite, so hope no one feels this way! Neither is it about when discussions of partners come up in conversations? Though that is a valid point with profiles set up like that, meeting as a single that suddenly becomes a couple late on and so forth. It's just to ask if you wanted to meet someone as a single and were told that all meets of theirs had to be ok'd and vetoed with their OH through a series of phone calls or meeting with them first face to face or whatever to assure them of your intentions, would this be perfectly straightforward for you to do (quite understandable and worth the effort if done at length and correctly) or would you instead be likely to find someone for whom this didn't need to be taken into consideration (no drama for anyone)? B If I knew them already I might be ok with chatting to the partner. But most likely it would put me off and I wouldn't meet them at all. I'd be concerned the partner wasn't truly happy about the situation. It's not my place to reassure them about anything. I'd assume they don't feel secure enough with the situation.
And that's true, I know full well I'm not secure enough with people I don't know. I don't know them therefore don't trust them. There are people that I AM secure enough to believe I will be able to wish them all a great time, because I've built a bond with them and they understand me, they understand concerns I have, and me theirs.
P"We would happily chat with both & have a friend who visits now & again who has a partner who's not involved. What we have found with a few though is that the "Caring" is a cover for "Control" & basically the guy doesn't want it to happen so to quote a bit of film dialog he fills the air with "Negative waves" S | |||
"This thread isn't intended to make anyone feel bad btw or suggest that they don't give a shit about others. The thread isn't about meeting "without consent" so no one is uncaring when considering what they would do, often the opposite, so hope no one feels this way! Neither is it about when discussions of partners come up in conversations? Though that is a valid point with profiles set up like that, meeting as a single that suddenly becomes a couple late on and so forth. It's just to ask if you wanted to meet someone as a single and were told that all meets of theirs had to be ok'd and vetoed with their OH through a series of phone calls or meeting with them first face to face or whatever to assure them of your intentions, would this be perfectly straightforward for you to do (quite understandable and worth the effort if done at length and correctly) or would you instead be likely to find someone for whom this didn't need to be taken into consideration (no drama for anyone)? B If I knew them already I might be ok with chatting to the partner. But most likely it would put me off and I wouldn't meet them at all. I'd be concerned the partner wasn't truly happy about the situation. It's not my place to reassure them about anything. I'd assume they don't feel secure enough with the situation.
And that's true, I know full well I'm not secure enough with people I don't know. I don't know them therefore don't trust them. There are people that I AM secure enough to believe I will be able to wish them all a great time, because I've built a bond with them and they understand me, they understand concerns I have, and me theirs.
P"It seems like you're trying to do something that you're not comfortable with. You don't have to make yourself trust people, or find ways to trust them. I think forcing it will make it worse. If someone has dodgy intentions they will work harder to get your trust, so they can do their dodgy deed. | |||
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"This thread isn't intended to make anyone feel bad btw or suggest that they don't give a shit about others. The thread isn't about meeting "without consent" so no one is uncaring when considering what they would do, often the opposite, so hope no one feels this way! Neither is it about when discussions of partners come up in conversations? Though that is a valid point with profiles set up like that, meeting as a single that suddenly becomes a couple late on and so forth. It's just to ask if you wanted to meet someone as a single and were told that all meets of theirs had to be ok'd and vetoed with their OH through a series of phone calls or meeting with them first face to face or whatever to assure them of your intentions, would this be perfectly straightforward for you to do (quite understandable and worth the effort if done at length and correctly) or would you instead be likely to find someone for whom this didn't need to be taken into consideration (no drama for anyone)? B If I knew them already I might be ok with chatting to the partner. But most likely it would put me off and I wouldn't meet them at all. I'd be concerned the partner wasn't truly happy about the situation. It's not my place to reassure them about anything. I'd assume they don't feel secure enough with the situation.
And that's true, I know full well I'm not secure enough with people I don't know. I don't know them therefore don't trust them. There are people that I AM secure enough to believe I will be able to wish them all a great time, because I've built a bond with them and they understand me, they understand concerns I have, and me theirs.
P
We would happily chat with both & have a friend who visits now & again who has a partner who's not involved.
What we have found with a few though is that the "Caring" is a cover for "Control" & basically the guy doesn't want it to happen so to quote a bit of film dialog he fills the air with "Negative waves"
S"I openly admit I don't want it to happen, that doesn't mean I don't want to want it. At the moment even though it's just messaging with the prospect of meeting I feel like a lost puppy who's owner/best friend has tied them to a fence at the side of the dog park and is making fuss of other dogs whilst the puppy is sat there whimpering and not understanding why. If the puppy was able to sniff the other dogs, pick up on their vibe then they'd feel at ease and understand which ones may bite, which onces are just happy to get strokes from someone new before heading back home, which ones will say "hey pup, don't be scared we were all little once and remember how frightening and confusing it can be, come on I'll look after you" I'm trying to work out the how to get from wanting to want it to happen to actually wanting it to happen. From what I have worked out so far, I need them to understand how I feel and take me into consideration and treat me with compassion, basically behave towards me the way I would behave towards them if the roles were reversed. I've no interest at the moment in meeting alone, I see it fraught with danger and ugly mind games from unsavouries. If I met someone that turned out to be a fruit loop stalker or some shit or they tried to cause problems I'd feel guilty as fuck that I'd made a bad call, and I can't deny if B made a bad call with a meet and it created aggro I'd blame him, especially as I'd been sidelined, had zero communication with them and therefore the only input I'd had was whimpering from that fence I'd been tied to. Does that make any sense whatsoever? P | |||
"This thread isn't intended to make anyone feel bad btw or suggest that they don't give a shit about others. The thread isn't about meeting "without consent" so no one is uncaring when considering what they would do, often the opposite, so hope no one feels this way! Neither is it about when discussions of partners come up in conversations? Though that is a valid point with profiles set up like that, meeting as a single that suddenly becomes a couple late on and so forth. It's just to ask if you wanted to meet someone as a single and were told that all meets of theirs had to be ok'd and vetoed with their OH through a series of phone calls or meeting with them first face to face or whatever to assure them of your intentions, would this be perfectly straightforward for you to do (quite understandable and worth the effort if done at length and correctly) or would you instead be likely to find someone for whom this didn't need to be taken into consideration (no drama for anyone)? B If I knew them already I might be ok with chatting to the partner. But most likely it would put me off and I wouldn't meet them at all. I'd be concerned the partner wasn't truly happy about the situation. It's not my place to reassure them about anything. I'd assume they don't feel secure enough with the situation.
And that's true, I know full well I'm not secure enough with people I don't know. I don't know them therefore don't trust them. There are people that I AM secure enough to believe I will be able to wish them all a great time, because I've built a bond with them and they understand me, they understand concerns I have, and me theirs.
P
It seems like you're trying to do something that you're not comfortable with. You don't have to make yourself trust people, or find ways to trust them. I think forcing it will make it worse.
If someone has dodgy intentions they will work harder to get your trust, so they can do their dodgy deed.
"I want to be comfortable with it though, it's finding the magic formula I'm struggling with. It doesn't help when people previously have seen bedding B as a competition they intended on winning and rubbing my nose in it like a dog shit. P | |||
"Hey P We decided to look at meeting alone ,as its so hard to get four way attraction/availability. Jack has met couples alone and they have chatted to me too,to make sure we are all happy with any meets. Keep talking,only do what is right for you both and share ant doubts you have. Be open with any potential meets and let then know what you are looking for . Good luck and enjoy;) Miss" Looking for: people who are happy to be transparent and open up and show compassion. Understanding souls who like puppies and don't mind working with one that's not quite toilet trained. Thanks Miss, I appreciate it P | |||
"This thread isn't intended to make anyone feel bad btw or suggest that they don't give a shit about others. The thread isn't about meeting "without consent" so no one is uncaring when considering what they would do, often the opposite, so hope no one feels this way! Neither is it about when discussions of partners come up in conversations? Though that is a valid point with profiles set up like that, meeting as a single that suddenly becomes a couple late on and so forth. It's just to ask if you wanted to meet someone as a single and were told that all meets of theirs had to be ok'd and vetoed with their OH through a series of phone calls or meeting with them first face to face or whatever to assure them of your intentions, would this be perfectly straightforward for you to do (quite understandable and worth the effort if done at length and correctly) or would you instead be likely to find someone for whom this didn't need to be taken into consideration (no drama for anyone)? B If I knew them already I might be ok with chatting to the partner. But most likely it would put me off and I wouldn't meet them at all. I'd be concerned the partner wasn't truly happy about the situation. It's not my place to reassure them about anything. I'd assume they don't feel secure enough with the situation.
And that's true, I know full well I'm not secure enough with people I don't know. I don't know them therefore don't trust them. There are people that I AM secure enough to believe I will be able to wish them all a great time, because I've built a bond with them and they understand me, they understand concerns I have, and me theirs.
P
It seems like you're trying to do something that you're not comfortable with. You don't have to make yourself trust people, or find ways to trust them. I think forcing it will make it worse.
If someone has dodgy intentions they will work harder to get your trust, so they can do their dodgy deed.
I want to be comfortable with it though, it's finding the magic formula I'm struggling with.
It doesn't help when people previously have seen bedding B as a competition they intended on winning and rubbing my nose in it like a dog shit.
P"I hate that!! The women who message us and then cut me out completely to focus on Mr, and then have tried to meet behind my back. One even blatantly told me that she was going to message his singles account as she wanted him. No respect! He meets, I accept that- sometimes hard if I’m feeling insecure about how attractive I appear- but to treat my feelings as immaterial, because it’s a “swinging site” is wrong. We are still people, we still have feelings, and don’t want other people making us feel bad. I love Mr, but it’s not a competition to prove who he’s more attracted to. That’s just mean and egotistical xx | |||
"This thread isn't intended to make anyone feel bad btw or suggest that they don't give a shit about others. The thread isn't about meeting "without consent" so no one is uncaring when considering what they would do, often the opposite, so hope no one feels this way! Neither is it about when discussions of partners come up in conversations? Though that is a valid point with profiles set up like that, meeting as a single that suddenly becomes a couple late on and so forth. It's just to ask if you wanted to meet someone as a single and were told that all meets of theirs had to be ok'd and vetoed with their OH through a series of phone calls or meeting with them first face to face or whatever to assure them of your intentions, would this be perfectly straightforward for you to do (quite understandable and worth the effort if done at length and correctly) or would you instead be likely to find someone for whom this didn't need to be taken into consideration (no drama for anyone)? B If I knew them already I might be ok with chatting to the partner. But most likely it would put me off and I wouldn't meet them at all. I'd be concerned the partner wasn't truly happy about the situation. It's not my place to reassure them about anything. I'd assume they don't feel secure enough with the situation.
And that's true, I know full well I'm not secure enough with people I don't know. I don't know them therefore don't trust them. There are people that I AM secure enough to believe I will be able to wish them all a great time, because I've built a bond with them and they understand me, they understand concerns I have, and me theirs.
P
It seems like you're trying to do something that you're not comfortable with. You don't have to make yourself trust people, or find ways to trust them. I think forcing it will make it worse.
If someone has dodgy intentions they will work harder to get your trust, so they can do their dodgy deed.
I want to be comfortable with it though, it's finding the magic formula I'm struggling with.
It doesn't help when people previously have seen bedding B as a competition they intended on winning and rubbing my nose in it like a dog shit.
P
I hate that!! The women who message us and then cut me out completely to focus on Mr, and then have tried to meet behind my back. One even blatantly told me that she was going to message his singles account as she wanted him.
No respect! He meets, I accept that- sometimes hard if I’m feeling insecure about how attractive I appear- but to treat my feelings as immaterial, because it’s a “swinging site” is wrong. We are still people, we still have feelings, and don’t want other people making us feel bad. I love Mr, but it’s not a competition to prove who he’s more attracted to. That’s just mean and egotistical xx"Oh there are quite a few vile women like that. Hide the fact they are a total snidey bitch behind the tag of 'but we are swingers'. Totally bang out of order and disrespectful. Avoid like the plague. | |||
"This thread isn't intended to make anyone feel bad btw or suggest that they don't give a shit about others. The thread isn't about meeting "without consent" so no one is uncaring when considering what they would do, often the opposite, so hope no one feels this way! Neither is it about when discussions of partners come up in conversations? Though that is a valid point with profiles set up like that, meeting as a single that suddenly becomes a couple late on and so forth. It's just to ask if you wanted to meet someone as a single and were told that all meets of theirs had to be ok'd and vetoed with their OH through a series of phone calls or meeting with them first face to face or whatever to assure them of your intentions, would this be perfectly straightforward for you to do (quite understandable and worth the effort if done at length and correctly) or would you instead be likely to find someone for whom this didn't need to be taken into consideration (no drama for anyone)? B If I knew them already I might be ok with chatting to the partner. But most likely it would put me off and I wouldn't meet them at all. I'd be concerned the partner wasn't truly happy about the situation. It's not my place to reassure them about anything. I'd assume they don't feel secure enough with the situation.
And that's true, I know full well I'm not secure enough with people I don't know. I don't know them therefore don't trust them. There are people that I AM secure enough to believe I will be able to wish them all a great time, because I've built a bond with them and they understand me, they understand concerns I have, and me theirs.
P
It seems like you're trying to do something that you're not comfortable with. You don't have to make yourself trust people, or find ways to trust them. I think forcing it will make it worse.
If someone has dodgy intentions they will work harder to get your trust, so they can do their dodgy deed.
I want to be comfortable with it though, it's finding the magic formula I'm struggling with.
It doesn't help when people previously have seen bedding B as a competition they intended on winning and rubbing my nose in it like a dog shit.
P
I hate that!! The women who message us and then cut me out completely to focus on Mr, and then have tried to meet behind my back. One even blatantly told me that she was going to message his singles account as she wanted him.
No respect! He meets, I accept that- sometimes hard if I’m feeling insecure about how attractive I appear- but to treat my feelings as immaterial, because it’s a “swinging site” is wrong. We are still people, we still have feelings, and don’t want other people making us feel bad. I love Mr, but it’s not a competition to prove who he’s more attracted to. That’s just mean and egotistical xx"Preach 
P | |||
"This thread isn't intended to make anyone feel bad btw or suggest that they don't give a shit about others. The thread isn't about meeting "without consent" so no one is uncaring when considering what they would do, often the opposite, so hope no one feels this way! Neither is it about when discussions of partners come up in conversations? Though that is a valid point with profiles set up like that, meeting as a single that suddenly becomes a couple late on and so forth. It's just to ask if you wanted to meet someone as a single and were told that all meets of theirs had to be ok'd and vetoed with their OH through a series of phone calls or meeting with them first face to face or whatever to assure them of your intentions, would this be perfectly straightforward for you to do (quite understandable and worth the effort if done at length and correctly) or would you instead be likely to find someone for whom this didn't need to be taken into consideration (no drama for anyone)? B If I knew them already I might be ok with chatting to the partner. But most likely it would put me off and I wouldn't meet them at all. I'd be concerned the partner wasn't truly happy about the situation. It's not my place to reassure them about anything. I'd assume they don't feel secure enough with the situation.
And that's true, I know full well I'm not secure enough with people I don't know. I don't know them therefore don't trust them. There are people that I AM secure enough to believe I will be able to wish them all a great time, because I've built a bond with them and they understand me, they understand concerns I have, and me theirs.
P
It seems like you're trying to do something that you're not comfortable with. You don't have to make yourself trust people, or find ways to trust them. I think forcing it will make it worse.
If someone has dodgy intentions they will work harder to get your trust, so they can do their dodgy deed.
I want to be comfortable with it though, it's finding the magic formula I'm struggling with.
It doesn't help when people previously have seen bedding B as a competition they intended on winning and rubbing my nose in it like a dog shit.
P
I hate that!! The women who message us and then cut me out completely to focus on Mr, and then have tried to meet behind my back. One even blatantly told me that she was going to message his singles account as she wanted him.
No respect! He meets, I accept that- sometimes hard if I’m feeling insecure about how attractive I appear- but to treat my feelings as immaterial, because it’s a “swinging site” is wrong. We are still people, we still have feelings, and don’t want other people making us feel bad. I love Mr, but it’s not a competition to prove who he’s more attracted to. That’s just mean and egotistical xx
Oh there are quite a few vile women like that. Hide the fact they are a total snidey bitch behind the tag of 'but we are swingers'. Totally bang out of order and disrespectful. Avoid like the plague."Yep. The problem is, without at least getting to know them on SOME level, I'll not be able to get a feel for them, I'm just sat there twisting my own head up wondering. P | |||
"This thread isn't intended to make anyone feel bad btw or suggest that they don't give a shit about others. The thread isn't about meeting "without consent" so no one is uncaring when considering what they would do, often the opposite, so hope no one feels this way! Neither is it about when discussions of partners come up in conversations? Though that is a valid point with profiles set up like that, meeting as a single that suddenly becomes a couple late on and so forth. It's just to ask if you wanted to meet someone as a single and were told that all meets of theirs had to be ok'd and vetoed with their OH through a series of phone calls or meeting with them first face to face or whatever to assure them of your intentions, would this be perfectly straightforward for you to do (quite understandable and worth the effort if done at length and correctly) or would you instead be likely to find someone for whom this didn't need to be taken into consideration (no drama for anyone)? B If I knew them already I might be ok with chatting to the partner. But most likely it would put me off and I wouldn't meet them at all. I'd be concerned the partner wasn't truly happy about the situation. It's not my place to reassure them about anything. I'd assume they don't feel secure enough with the situation.
And that's true, I know full well I'm not secure enough with people I don't know. I don't know them therefore don't trust them. There are people that I AM secure enough to believe I will be able to wish them all a great time, because I've built a bond with them and they understand me, they understand concerns I have, and me theirs.
P
It seems like you're trying to do something that you're not comfortable with. You don't have to make yourself trust people, or find ways to trust them. I think forcing it will make it worse.
If someone has dodgy intentions they will work harder to get your trust, so they can do their dodgy deed.
I want to be comfortable with it though, it's finding the magic formula I'm struggling with.
It doesn't help when people previously have seen bedding B as a competition they intended on winning and rubbing my nose in it like a dog shit.
P
I hate that!! The women who message us and then cut me out completely to focus on Mr, and then have tried to meet behind my back. One even blatantly told me that she was going to message his singles account as she wanted him.
No respect! He meets, I accept that- sometimes hard if I’m feeling insecure about how attractive I appear- but to treat my feelings as immaterial, because it’s a “swinging site” is wrong. We are still people, we still have feelings, and don’t want other people making us feel bad. I love Mr, but it’s not a competition to prove who he’s more attracted to. That’s just mean and egotistical xx
Oh there are quite a few vile women like that. Hide the fact they are a total snidey bitch behind the tag of 'but we are swingers'. Totally bang out of order and disrespectful. Avoid like the plague."Yep, and some of them suddenly forget their behaviour when they become loved up and won’t meet without their partner as it’s a respect thing  I’ve been left so annoyed and wanted to leave Fab because of the behaviour of some women. End of the day, where would they meet- it’s not like they can ask me to leave my home so they can meet my partner, when they’ve been so disrespectful to me. Silly women!! Thinking with their genitals and not with their heads, and certainly not in a way they would accept if done to them
Xx | |||
| |||
"This thread isn't intended to make anyone feel bad btw or suggest that they don't give a shit about others. The thread isn't about meeting "without consent" so no one is uncaring when considering what they would do, often the opposite, so hope no one feels this way! Neither is it about when discussions of partners come up in conversations? Though that is a valid point with profiles set up like that, meeting as a single that suddenly becomes a couple late on and so forth. It's just to ask if you wanted to meet someone as a single and were told that all meets of theirs had to be ok'd and vetoed with their OH through a series of phone calls or meeting with them first face to face or whatever to assure them of your intentions, would this be perfectly straightforward for you to do (quite understandable and worth the effort if done at length and correctly) or would you instead be likely to find someone for whom this didn't need to be taken into consideration (no drama for anyone)? B If I knew them already I might be ok with chatting to the partner. But most likely it would put me off and I wouldn't meet them at all. I'd be concerned the partner wasn't truly happy about the situation. It's not my place to reassure them about anything. I'd assume they don't feel secure enough with the situation.
And that's true, I know full well I'm not secure enough with people I don't know. I don't know them therefore don't trust them. There are people that I AM secure enough to believe I will be able to wish them all a great time, because I've built a bond with them and they understand me, they understand concerns I have, and me theirs.
P
It seems like you're trying to do something that you're not comfortable with. You don't have to make yourself trust people, or find ways to trust them. I think forcing it will make it worse.
If someone has dodgy intentions they will work harder to get your trust, so they can do their dodgy deed.
I want to be comfortable with it though, it's finding the magic formula I'm struggling with.
It doesn't help when people previously have seen bedding B as a competition they intended on winning and rubbing my nose in it like a dog shit.
P
I hate that!! The women who message us and then cut me out completely to focus on Mr, and then have tried to meet behind my back. One even blatantly told me that she was going to message his singles account as she wanted him.
No respect! He meets, I accept that- sometimes hard if I’m feeling insecure about how attractive I appear- but to treat my feelings as immaterial, because it’s a “swinging site” is wrong. We are still people, we still have feelings, and don’t want other people making us feel bad. I love Mr, but it’s not a competition to prove who he’s more attracted to. That’s just mean and egotistical xx
Oh there are quite a few vile women like that. Hide the fact they are a total snidey bitch behind the tag of 'but we are swingers'. Totally bang out of order and disrespectful. Avoid like the plague.
Yep, and some of them suddenly forget their behaviour when they become loved up and won’t meet without their partner as it’s a respect thing I’ve been left so annoyed and wanted to leave Fab because of the behaviour of some women. End of the day, where would they meet- it’s not like they can ask me to leave my home so they can meet my partner, when they’ve been so disrespectful to me. Silly women!! Thinking with their genitals and not with their heads, and certainly not in a way they would accept if done to them
Xx"I can take a stab in the not very dark who you mean I reckon! P | |||
"OP, the only thing I can say is don’t take any steps until you’re absolutely sure. If you need to thrash things out in your head, then do it, there’s no shame in being human. Your comfort, and your relationship is far more important than anything else xx " Absolutely, I do think that people forget they've been new to things and forget how confusing things can be. I'm not expecting them to treat me like a toddler, but to be mindful and remember that was them once too P | |||
"This thread isn't intended to make anyone feel bad btw or suggest that they don't give a shit about others. The thread isn't about meeting "without consent" so no one is uncaring when considering what they would do, often the opposite, so hope no one feels this way! Neither is it about when discussions of partners come up in conversations? Though that is a valid point with profiles set up like that, meeting as a single that suddenly becomes a couple late on and so forth. It's just to ask if you wanted to meet someone as a single and were told that all meets of theirs had to be ok'd and vetoed with their OH through a series of phone calls or meeting with them first face to face or whatever to assure them of your intentions, would this be perfectly straightforward for you to do (quite understandable and worth the effort if done at length and correctly) or would you instead be likely to find someone for whom this didn't need to be taken into consideration (no drama for anyone)? B If I knew them already I might be ok with chatting to the partner. But most likely it would put me off and I wouldn't meet them at all. I'd be concerned the partner wasn't truly happy about the situation. It's not my place to reassure them about anything. I'd assume they don't feel secure enough with the situation.
And that's true, I know full well I'm not secure enough with people I don't know. I don't know them therefore don't trust them. There are people that I AM secure enough to believe I will be able to wish them all a great time, because I've built a bond with them and they understand me, they understand concerns I have, and me theirs.
P
It seems like you're trying to do something that you're not comfortable with. You don't have to make yourself trust people, or find ways to trust them. I think forcing it will make it worse.
If someone has dodgy intentions they will work harder to get your trust, so they can do their dodgy deed.
I want to be comfortable with it though, it's finding the magic formula I'm struggling with.
It doesn't help when people previously have seen bedding B as a competition they intended on winning and rubbing my nose in it like a dog shit.
P
I hate that!! The women who message us and then cut me out completely to focus on Mr, and then have tried to meet behind my back. One even blatantly told me that she was going to message his singles account as she wanted him.
No respect! He meets, I accept that- sometimes hard if I’m feeling insecure about how attractive I appear- but to treat my feelings as immaterial, because it’s a “swinging site” is wrong. We are still people, we still have feelings, and don’t want other people making us feel bad. I love Mr, but it’s not a competition to prove who he’s more attracted to. That’s just mean and egotistical xx
Oh there are quite a few vile women like that. Hide the fact they are a total snidey bitch behind the tag of 'but we are swingers'. Totally bang out of order and disrespectful. Avoid like the plague.
Yep, and some of them suddenly forget their behaviour when they become loved up and won’t meet without their partner as it’s a respect thing I’ve been left so annoyed and wanted to leave Fab because of the behaviour of some women. End of the day, where would they meet- it’s not like they can ask me to leave my home so they can meet my partner, when they’ve been so disrespectful to me. Silly women!! Thinking with their genitals and not with their heads, and certainly not in a way they would accept if done to them
Xx
I can take a stab in the not very dark who you mean I reckon!
P"I’m afraid I don’t know, unless she contacted you when she was single? She doesn’t use the forums xx | |||
"OP, the only thing I can say is don’t take any steps until you’re absolutely sure. If you need to thrash things out in your head, then do it, there’s no shame in being human. Your comfort, and your relationship is far more important than anything else xx Absolutely, I do think that people forget they've been new to things and forget how confusing things can be. I'm not expecting them to treat me like a toddler, but to be mindful and remember that was them once too P" They do. I think sometimes we become a bit cynical and blasé about things, and do forget that we all start somewhere xx | |||
"This thread isn't intended to make anyone feel bad btw or suggest that they don't give a shit about others. The thread isn't about meeting "without consent" so no one is uncaring when considering what they would do, often the opposite, so hope no one feels this way! Neither is it about when discussions of partners come up in conversations? Though that is a valid point with profiles set up like that, meeting as a single that suddenly becomes a couple late on and so forth. It's just to ask if you wanted to meet someone as a single and were told that all meets of theirs had to be ok'd and vetoed with their OH through a series of phone calls or meeting with them first face to face or whatever to assure them of your intentions, would this be perfectly straightforward for you to do (quite understandable and worth the effort if done at length and correctly) or would you instead be likely to find someone for whom this didn't need to be taken into consideration (no drama for anyone)? B If I knew them already I might be ok with chatting to the partner. But most likely it would put me off and I wouldn't meet them at all. I'd be concerned the partner wasn't truly happy about the situation. It's not my place to reassure them about anything. I'd assume they don't feel secure enough with the situation.
And that's true, I know full well I'm not secure enough with people I don't know. I don't know them therefore don't trust them. There are people that I AM secure enough to believe I will be able to wish them all a great time, because I've built a bond with them and they understand me, they understand concerns I have, and me theirs.
P
It seems like you're trying to do something that you're not comfortable with. You don't have to make yourself trust people, or find ways to trust them. I think forcing it will make it worse.
If someone has dodgy intentions they will work harder to get your trust, so they can do their dodgy deed.
I want to be comfortable with it though, it's finding the magic formula I'm struggling with.
It doesn't help when people previously have seen bedding B as a competition they intended on winning and rubbing my nose in it like a dog shit.
P"I don't think there is a magic formula. Some couples only meet as 4somes and never singly. It's not wrong, it's what works for them. If it was me I'd stick to meeting couples and see how that goes. Perhaps then meet the other couple as 2somes. Someone you're friends with who will take it slow and look after your feelings. Your puppy tied up analogy makes me sad. Some people would happily snatch the partner away and laugh at the puppy sat there alone. In my eyes, it's not worth the risk. | |||
"Afternoon all, wanting to pick your brains and hear of your own experiences if you'd be so kind to share. Going from meeting as a couple to meeting alone is a huge step. One fraught with fears of the unknown for me especially (P) Do you have any key pieces of advice? Would you be willing to chat with the partner who wouldn't be at the meet and include them in so much as getting to know them too even though they'll not be there, to reassure them of your intentions so to speak and have them feel some level of inclusion? Everyone who's met alone has been new to that side at some point, and as a community would you think "fuck that shit I don't wanna get involved" or would you call on your own experiences to help make the transition a smooth and comfortable one for all? Answers on a postcard, or right there on this thread. Much love P" i would be quite happy to reassure your hubby or partner if thats what you're asking, even getting to know you both, obviously im saying this if i were within your profile preferences but this is what i would do in any situation like this  | |||
"This thread isn't intended to make anyone feel bad btw or suggest that they don't give a shit about others. The thread isn't about meeting "without consent" so no one is uncaring when considering what they would do, often the opposite, so hope no one feels this way! Neither is it about when discussions of partners come up in conversations? Though that is a valid point with profiles set up like that, meeting as a single that suddenly becomes a couple late on and so forth. It's just to ask if you wanted to meet someone as a single and were told that all meets of theirs had to be ok'd and vetoed with their OH through a series of phone calls or meeting with them first face to face or whatever to assure them of your intentions, would this be perfectly straightforward for you to do (quite understandable and worth the effort if done at length and correctly) or would you instead be likely to find someone for whom this didn't need to be taken into consideration (no drama for anyone)? B If I knew them already I might be ok with chatting to the partner. But most likely it would put me off and I wouldn't meet them at all. I'd be concerned the partner wasn't truly happy about the situation. It's not my place to reassure them about anything. I'd assume they don't feel secure enough with the situation.
And that's true, I know full well I'm not secure enough with people I don't know. I don't know them therefore don't trust them. There are people that I AM secure enough to believe I will be able to wish them all a great time, because I've built a bond with them and they understand me, they understand concerns I have, and me theirs.
P
It seems like you're trying to do something that you're not comfortable with. You don't have to make yourself trust people, or find ways to trust them. I think forcing it will make it worse.
If someone has dodgy intentions they will work harder to get your trust, so they can do their dodgy deed.
I want to be comfortable with it though, it's finding the magic formula I'm struggling with.
It doesn't help when people previously have seen bedding B as a competition they intended on winning and rubbing my nose in it like a dog shit.
P
I don't think there is a magic formula. Some couples only meet as 4somes and never singly. It's not wrong, it's what works for them.
If it was me I'd stick to meeting couples and see how that goes. Perhaps then meet the other couple as 2somes. Someone you're friends with who will take it slow and look after your feelings.
Your puppy tied up analogy makes me sad. Some people would happily snatch the partner away and laugh at the puppy sat there alone.
In my eyes, it's not worth the risk."Thats quite astute, So OP if you are worried why not have your partner meet with married or long term couples only to start with? S | |||
" I don't think there is a magic formula. Some couples only meet as 4somes and never singly. It's not wrong, it's what works for them. If it was me I'd stick to meeting couples and see how that goes. Perhaps then meet the other couple as 2somes. Someone you're friends with who will take it slow and look after your feelings. Your puppy tied up analogy makes me sad. Some people would happily snatch the partner away and laugh at the puppy sat there alone. In my eyes, it's not worth the risk. Thats quite astute, So OP if you are worried why not have your partner meet with married or long term couples only to start with? S" This is where I'm going at the moment, and the meet dynamic that concerns me the least. I'm aware that it is far from foolproof though as I myself when single had guys wanting to meet behind their partners back on the hush hush. I'm also aware of halves of couples who've got all obsessed and led people to split, started buying jewellery for the other person, others to come up with extravagant bullshit to get rid of a clingon who just won't fuck off. So many nasty stories and not through hearsay either. I'm of the thought process if we meet people together, make decisions together over who we both meet, then we both share the responsibility together. A team. A unit. If things go tits we both shoulder the blame. It's a funny old world. P | |||
| |||
"This thread isn't intended to make anyone feel bad btw or suggest that they don't give a shit about others. The thread isn't about meeting "without consent" so no one is uncaring when considering what they would do, often the opposite, so hope no one feels this way! Neither is it about when discussions of partners come up in conversations? Though that is a valid point with profiles set up like that, meeting as a single that suddenly becomes a couple late on and so forth. It's just to ask if you wanted to meet someone as a single and were told that all meets of theirs had to be ok'd and vetoed with their OH through a series of phone calls or meeting with them first face to face or whatever to assure them of your intentions, would this be perfectly straightforward for you to do (quite understandable and worth the effort if done at length and correctly) or would you instead be likely to find someone for whom this didn't need to be taken into consideration (no drama for anyone)? B If I knew them already I might be ok with chatting to the partner. But most likely it would put me off and I wouldn't meet them at all. I'd be concerned the partner wasn't truly happy about the situation. It's not my place to reassure them about anything. I'd assume they don't feel secure enough with the situation.
And that's true, I know full well I'm not secure enough with people I don't know. I don't know them therefore don't trust them. There are people that I AM secure enough to believe I will be able to wish them all a great time, because I've built a bond with them and they understand me, they understand concerns I have, and me theirs.
P
We would happily chat with both & have a friend who visits now & again who has a partner who's not involved.
What we have found with a few though is that the "Caring" is a cover for "Control" & basically the guy doesn't want it to happen so to quote a bit of film dialog he fills the air with "Negative waves"
S
I openly admit I don't want it to happen, that doesn't mean I don't want to want it.
At the moment even though it's just messaging with the prospect of meeting I feel like a lost puppy who's owner/best friend has tied them to a fence at the side of the dog park and is making fuss of other dogs whilst the puppy is sat there whimpering and not understanding why.
If the puppy was able to sniff the other dogs, pick up on their vibe then they'd feel at ease and understand which ones may bite, which onces are just happy to get strokes from someone new before heading back home, which ones will say "hey pup, don't be scared we were all little once and remember how frightening and confusing it can be, come on I'll look after you"
I'm trying to work out the how to get from wanting to want it to happen to actually wanting it to happen.
From what I have worked out so far, I need them to understand how I feel and take me into consideration and treat me with compassion, basically behave towards me the way I would behave towards them if the roles were reversed.
I've no interest at the moment in meeting alone, I see it fraught with danger and ugly mind games from unsavouries. If I met someone that turned out to be a fruit loop stalker or some shit or they tried to cause problems I'd feel guilty as fuck that I'd made a bad call, and I can't deny if B made a bad call with a meet and it created aggro I'd blame him, especially as I'd been sidelined, had zero communication with them and therefore the only input I'd had was whimpering from that fence I'd been tied to.
Does that make any sense whatsoever?
P"Apologies if this is a bit blunt - but there are so many alarm bells ringing here for me. You are clearly not wanting this to happen,despite wanting to want it... Thing is, you can't make yourself want something you don't want. That's like me deciding to want olives cos I like the idea of them and it feels like I should and other people seem to think they're great - but actually, they are REALLY not for me. Take a step back. What's right for other people isn't necessarily right for you, whether that's for now, or for always. Talk, talk, talk to your partner. Then when you're both fed up of that, talk some more. Mrs TMN xx | |||
| |||
"This thread isn't intended to make anyone feel bad btw or suggest that they don't give a shit about others. The thread isn't about meeting "without consent" so no one is uncaring when considering what they would do, often the opposite, so hope no one feels this way! Neither is it about when discussions of partners come up in conversations? Though that is a valid point with profiles set up like that, meeting as a single that suddenly becomes a couple late on and so forth. It's just to ask if you wanted to meet someone as a single and were told that all meets of theirs had to be ok'd and vetoed with their OH through a series of phone calls or meeting with them first face to face or whatever to assure them of your intentions, would this be perfectly straightforward for you to do (quite understandable and worth the effort if done at length and correctly) or would you instead be likely to find someone for whom this didn't need to be taken into consideration (no drama for anyone)? B If I knew them already I might be ok with chatting to the partner. But most likely it would put me off and I wouldn't meet them at all. I'd be concerned the partner wasn't truly happy about the situation. It's not my place to reassure them about anything. I'd assume they don't feel secure enough with the situation.
And that's true, I know full well I'm not secure enough with people I don't know. I don't know them therefore don't trust them. There are people that I AM secure enough to believe I will be able to wish them all a great time, because I've built a bond with them and they understand me, they understand concerns I have, and me theirs.
P
We would happily chat with both & have a friend who visits now & again who has a partner who's not involved.
What we have found with a few though is that the "Caring" is a cover for "Control" & basically the guy doesn't want it to happen so to quote a bit of film dialog he fills the air with "Negative waves"
S
I openly admit I don't want it to happen, that doesn't mean I don't want to want it.
At the moment even though it's just messaging with the prospect of meeting I feel like a lost puppy who's owner/best friend has tied them to a fence at the side of the dog park and is making fuss of other dogs whilst the puppy is sat there whimpering and not understanding why.
If the puppy was able to sniff the other dogs, pick up on their vibe then they'd feel at ease and understand which ones may bite, which onces are just happy to get strokes from someone new before heading back home, which ones will say "hey pup, don't be scared we were all little once and remember how frightening and confusing it can be, come on I'll look after you"
I'm trying to work out the how to get from wanting to want it to happen to actually wanting it to happen.
From what I have worked out so far, I need them to understand how I feel and take me into consideration and treat me with compassion, basically behave towards me the way I would behave towards them if the roles were reversed.
I've no interest at the moment in meeting alone, I see it fraught with danger and ugly mind games from unsavouries. If I met someone that turned out to be a fruit loop stalker or some shit or they tried to cause problems I'd feel guilty as fuck that I'd made a bad call, and I can't deny if B made a bad call with a meet and it created aggro I'd blame him, especially as I'd been sidelined, had zero communication with them and therefore the only input I'd had was whimpering from that fence I'd been tied to.
Does that make any sense whatsoever?
P
Apologies if this is a bit blunt - but there are so many alarm bells ringing here for me. You are clearly not wanting this to happen,despite wanting to want it... Thing is, you can't make yourself want something you don't want. That's like me deciding to want olives cos I like the idea of them and it feels like I should and other people seem to think they're great - but actually, they are REALLY not for me.
Take a step back. What's right for other people isn't necessarily right for you, whether that's for now, or for always.
Talk, talk, talk to your partner. Then when you're both fed up of that, talk some more.
Mrs TMN xx"I make you spot on. I absolutely believe tho with the right couple I'd be sound as a fucking pound. That there lies the problem, how can I know if they're the right kind of people if there's no communication or connection of any kind between me and them? I can't. They don't want to meet me, they want to meet him (why wouldn't they, he's ace) so they've no loyalty to me or desire to speak to me as far as I'm aware, I wouldn't know! P | |||
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"As a female who's also part of a cpl that meets alone ..when I'm meeting alone it's just that.i do the chatting and I meet alone." Has it always been that way? Did you ease in gently or just jump right in? We've only been together a year, don't live together so there's no opportunity for reclaim sex which others have said is a hugely important part. P | |||
"I think you are looking for reassurance from the wrong source " | |||
"I (C) have been looking to meet alone as hubby is away with work Monday to Friday...but we find that most guys wont take the time to reassure him. We are after someone who will do exactly as you have described. " | |||
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" I don't think there is a magic formula. Some couples only meet as 4somes and never singly. It's not wrong, it's what works for them. If it was me I'd stick to meeting couples and see how that goes. Perhaps then meet the other couple as 2somes. Someone you're friends with who will take it slow and look after your feelings. Your puppy tied up analogy makes me sad. Some people would happily snatch the partner away and laugh at the puppy sat there alone. In my eyes, it's not worth the risk. Thats quite astute, So OP if you are worried why not have your partner meet with married or long term couples only to start with? S This is where I'm going at the moment, and the meet dynamic that concerns me the least. I'm aware that it is far from foolproof though as I myself when single had guys wanting to meet behind their partners back on the hush hush. I'm also aware of halves of couples who've got all obsessed and led people to split, started buying jewellery for the other person, others to come up with extravagant bullshit to get rid of a clingon who just won't fuck off. So many nasty stories and not through hearsay either. I'm of the thought process if we meet people together, make decisions together over who we both meet, then we both share the responsibility together. A team. A unit. If things go tits we both shoulder the blame. It's a funny old world. P" i personally dont think youre up for this and my advice dont do it, the business of meeting on your own is as safe as you make it its only a worry if you don't get to know the person, dont meet in public for a social and dont tell anyone where you are going, the loonies in this world are in a very small minority even though the everyday negative media portrays them to sell their newspaper etc most here are lovely only do it if you truly want to not because it turns your partner on | |||
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"Would someone be so kind to help me get verified because I've had less action than when I was a skinny spotty ginger 15 year old who could only dream about sexual activity. Haha.would be much appreciated any advice wouldnt go a miss either. Thanks " Best not to hijack other peoples threads. It's considered bad form. To get verified you need to meet someone or go on cam. Asking for a fake veri (which I hope you are not) is a big no no. | |||
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" I don't think there is a magic formula. Some couples only meet as 4somes and never singly. It's not wrong, it's what works for them. If it was me I'd stick to meeting couples and see how that goes. Perhaps then meet the other couple as 2somes. Someone you're friends with who will take it slow and look after your feelings. Your puppy tied up analogy makes me sad. Some people would happily snatch the partner away and laugh at the puppy sat there alone. In my eyes, it's not worth the risk. Thats quite astute, So OP if you are worried why not have your partner meet with married or long term couples only to start with? S This is where I'm going at the moment, and the meet dynamic that concerns me the least. I'm aware that it is far from foolproof though as I myself when single had guys wanting to meet behind their partners back on the hush hush. I'm also aware of halves of couples who've got all obsessed and led people to split, started buying jewellery for the other person, others to come up with extravagant bullshit to get rid of a clingon who just won't fuck off. So many nasty stories and not through hearsay either. I'm of the thought process if we meet people together, make decisions together over who we both meet, then we both share the responsibility together. A team. A unit. If things go tits we both shoulder the blame. It's a funny old world. Pi personally dont think youre up for this and my advice dont do it, the business of meeting on your own is as safe as you make it its only a worry if you don't get to know the person, dont meet in public for a social and dont tell anyone where you are going, the loonies in this world are in a very small minority even though the everyday negative media portrays them to sell their newspaper etc most here are lovely only do it if you truly want to not because it turns your partner on "It's not the physical danger that bothers me so much, it's the emotional one. You're clearly calling upon your own experiences to have formed your view, as I have called upon mine. People of both sexes can be viscous and underhanded. I'm not ready to meet alone, I personally can't see the risk is worth it and the thought of meeting another bloke on my own makes my cunt sandpaper dry. That's now, although I don't believe for a second it will be forever. I feel what I need is for things to be gradual. If B meets alone to start with I'll need to feel included in some level, get to know who he's meeting to a certain degree, get a feel for them. Once a few meets are out the way that have gone well, without problem causing or trouble making then I'll feel a sense of relief and security that his judgement on who he wants to meet isn't flawed. Instead of having it cemented in my noggin that bitches be crazy dangerous mofos who live in some fucked up fantasy world and can't differentiate fantasy from reality, my brain will get retrained, therefore my concerns will fuck back off into the box they were in before the cray cray ones twisted it up in the first place. P | |||
"This thread isn't intended to make anyone feel bad btw or suggest that they don't give a shit about others. The thread isn't about meeting "without consent" so no one is uncaring when considering what they would do, often the opposite, so hope no one feels this way! Neither is it about when discussions of partners come up in conversations? Though that is a valid point with profiles set up like that, meeting as a single that suddenly becomes a couple late on and so forth. It's just to ask if you wanted to meet someone as a single and were told that all meets of theirs had to be ok'd and vetoed with their OH through a series of phone calls or meeting with them first face to face or whatever to assure them of your intentions, would this be perfectly straightforward for you to do (quite understandable and worth the effort if done at length and correctly) or would you instead be likely to find someone for whom this didn't need to be taken into consideration (no drama for anyone)? B" I’d find this a little overwhelming as a single woman. I would however expect all messages to be shared with their significant other and any agreed on pictures. A couples relationship is their personal issue which is to be respected. Not there however to provide couples counselling so the other who is not meeting feels ok. That’s the couples issue. Just my perspective x | |||
"If I was meeting a male half of a couple i wdnt be expected or want to meet the female half as to me if u agreed to meet separately all the insecurities or how you play it should be deal with way before the meet happens " Completely appreciate and understand that. I'm not saying by any stretch of the imagination that you would do any of these things but.. How do I know you wouldn't want to meet more than the agreed amount? How do I know that you wouldn't start getting all crazy obsessed and plastering over the forums or in my inbox about the amazing times you have together because you want him for yourself and you know it would hurt me to read it? How do I know you ain't gonna drive an hour to "drop off something he left behind" as an excuse to spend more time with him? How do I know you ain't gonna put photos of him all over your profile and then change your profile wording to make it sound like he's the only one for you? That you've met someone who ticks all your boxes and you're happy with your fill? How do I know you ain't gonna make up some bullshit that he assaulted you because he turned you down in the flesh? Truth is I won't. If I'd gotten to know you beforehand though I could at least have the knowledge that I didn't see it coming as much as he didn't. These are things that have already happened to either us or people I know, so quite rightly I'm cautious P | |||
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"As a female who's also part of a cpl that meets alone ..when I'm meeting alone it's just that.i do the chatting and I meet alone. Has it always been that way? Did you ease in gently or just jump right in? We've only been together a year, don't live together so there's no opportunity for reclaim sex which others have said is a hugely important part. P" hell no lol took me a few yrs to pluck up the courage to meet alone.started with a guy that I had previously met with my husband. | |||
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"Hubby is completely involved in all my meets. Sometimes from afar, but part of the fun of it for us is the sharing and reporting back. With some guys he chats extensively with them prior to me meeting them. Others less so. But he's always had contact with those I meet to an extent. I wouldn't feel happy meeting and not sharing it with him. I wouldn't see the point. But then we're 20+ years together and that's how we entered into this. It's always been that way and it works for our dynamic. " See this is how I can see things, what I'd want and think I need to feel comfortable at least to start with anyway. I feel like things are being hidden otherwise. Thanks for sharing P | |||
"*Bookmarked Jo.Xx " Sorry was busy with the School rush. What I wanted to say was, I completely understand your concerns and you're right to have them in my opinion. You ultimately are a couple a unit, and although you don't live together you both chose to put each other first. So even though B will be meeting from his singles account it is only natural that he would state he has a partner, and that she(you) would like to have some sort of communication before they meet. When you have had a bad experience it makes you wary/cautious. And hopefully you learn from it. Which is what you're doing. Do things the way you want to P, the way it works for you both. This is your journey.
Jo.Xx | |||
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"This thread isn't intended to make anyone feel bad btw or suggest that they don't give a shit about others. The thread isn't about meeting "without consent" so no one is uncaring when considering what they would do, often the opposite, so hope no one feels this way! Neither is it about when discussions of partners come up in conversations? Though that is a valid point with profiles set up like that, meeting as a single that suddenly becomes a couple late on and so forth. It's just to ask if you wanted to meet someone as a single and were told that all meets of theirs had to be ok'd and vetoed with their OH through a series of phone calls or meeting with them first face to face or whatever to assure them of your intentions, would this be perfectly straightforward for you to do (quite understandable and worth the effort if done at length and correctly) or would you instead be likely to find someone for whom this didn't need to be taken into consideration (no drama for anyone)? B If I knew them already I might be ok with chatting to the partner. But most likely it would put me off and I wouldn't meet them at all. I'd be concerned the partner wasn't truly happy about the situation. It's not my place to reassure them about anything. I'd assume they don't feel secure enough with the situation.
And that's true, I know full well I'm not secure enough with people I don't know. I don't know them therefore don't trust them. There are people that I AM secure enough to believe I will be able to wish them all a great time, because I've built a bond with them and they understand me, they understand concerns I have, and me theirs.
P
We would happily chat with both & have a friend who visits now & again who has a partner who's not involved.
What we have found with a few though is that the "Caring" is a cover for "Control" & basically the guy doesn't want it to happen so to quote a bit of film dialog he fills the air with "Negative waves"
S
I openly admit I don't want it to happen, that doesn't mean I don't want to want it.
At the moment even though it's just messaging with the prospect of meeting I feel like a lost puppy who's owner/best friend has tied them to a fence at the side of the dog park and is making fuss of other dogs whilst the puppy is sat there whimpering and not understanding why.
If the puppy was able to sniff the other dogs, pick up on their vibe then they'd feel at ease and understand which ones may bite, which onces are just happy to get strokes from someone new before heading back home, which ones will say "hey pup, don't be scared we were all little once and remember how frightening and confusing it can be, come on I'll look after you"
I'm trying to work out the how to get from wanting to want it to happen to actually wanting it to happen.
From what I have worked out so far, I need them to understand how I feel and take me into consideration and treat me with compassion, basically behave towards me the way I would behave towards them if the roles were reversed.
I've no interest at the moment in meeting alone, I see it fraught with danger and ugly mind games from unsavouries. If I met someone that turned out to be a fruit loop stalker or some shit or they tried to cause problems I'd feel guilty as fuck that I'd made a bad call, and I can't deny if B made a bad call with a meet and it created aggro I'd blame him, especially as I'd been sidelined, had zero communication with them and therefore the only input I'd had was whimpering from that fence I'd been tied to.
Does that make any sense whatsoever?
P
Apologies if this is a bit blunt - but there are so many alarm bells ringing here for me. You are clearly not wanting this to happen,despite wanting to want it... Thing is, you can't make yourself want something you don't want. That's like me deciding to want olives cos I like the idea of them and it feels like I should and other people seem to think they're great - but actually, they are REALLY not for me.
Take a step back. What's right for other people isn't necessarily right for you, whether that's for now, or for always.
Talk, talk, talk to your partner. Then when you're both fed up of that, talk some more.
Mrs TMN xx
I make you spot on.
I absolutely believe tho with the right couple I'd be sound as a fucking pound. That there lies the problem, how can I know if they're the right kind of people if there's no communication or connection of any kind between me and them? I can't.
They don't want to meet me, they want to meet him (why wouldn't they, he's ace) so they've no loyalty to me or desire to speak to me as far as I'm aware, I wouldn't know!
P"As a couple, you set the boundaries. Stick it up nice a clear on your profile if you like - we will both be involved even if one of us is meeting alone. If folk don't want to do that, then off they can jolly well fuck, no skin off your nose. Your relationship, your rules. Everyone plays differently and that's OK. Only you know what's going to work for you. X | |||
" I don't think there is a magic formula. Some couples only meet as 4somes and never singly. It's not wrong, it's what works for them. If it was me I'd stick to meeting couples and see how that goes. Perhaps then meet the other couple as 2somes. Someone you're friends with who will take it slow and look after your feelings. Your puppy tied up analogy makes me sad. Some people would happily snatch the partner away and laugh at the puppy sat there alone. In my eyes, it's not worth the risk. Thats quite astute, So OP if you are worried why not have your partner meet with married or long term couples only to start with? S This is where I'm going at the moment, and the meet dynamic that concerns me the least. I'm aware that it is far from foolproof though as I myself when single had guys wanting to meet behind their partners back on the hush hush. I'm also aware of halves of couples who've got all obsessed and led people to split, started buying jewellery for the other person, others to come up with extravagant bullshit to get rid of a clingon who just won't fuck off. So many nasty stories and not through hearsay either. I'm of the thought process if we meet people together, make decisions together over who we both meet, then we both share the responsibility together. A team. A unit. If things go tits we both shoulder the blame. It's a funny old world. Pi personally dont think youre up for this and my advice dont do it, the business of meeting on your own is as safe as you make it its only a worry if you don't get to know the person, dont meet in public for a social and dont tell anyone where you are going, the loonies in this world are in a very small minority even though the everyday negative media portrays them to sell their newspaper etc most here are lovely only do it if you truly want to not because it turns your partner on
It's not the physical danger that bothers me so much, it's the emotional one. You're clearly calling upon your own experiences to have formed your view, as I have called upon mine. People of both sexes can be viscous and underhanded.
I'm not ready to meet alone, I personally can't see the risk is worth it and the thought of meeting another bloke on my own makes my cunt sandpaper dry. That's now, although I don't believe for a second it will be forever.
I feel what I need is for things to be gradual. If B meets alone to start with I'll need to feel included in some level, get to know who he's meeting to a certain degree, get a feel for them. Once a few meets are out the way that have gone well, without problem causing or trouble making then I'll feel a sense of relief and security that his judgement on who he wants to meet isn't flawed. Instead of having it cemented in my noggin that bitches be crazy dangerous mofos who live in some fucked up fantasy world and can't differentiate fantasy from reality, my brain will get retrained, therefore my concerns will fuck back off into the box they were in before the cray cray ones twisted it up in the first place.
P
"lol hey i still think you arent ready | |||
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"It sounds as though he is pushing to meet as a single and because you are scared of losing him you want to please him, but you really aren’t happy with the situation. After reading this thread I certainly wouldn’t want to get caught in the middle." He isn't pushing although it's something he wants to do in the future. It's also something I want him to do in the future, when I'm comfortable and ready. I'll also be meeting alone if I want to when I'm comfortable and ready. It's reassuring to know I'm not the only person that's been nervous and cautious, that others have been where we are with the same fears and also that others are aware of the pitfalls as well as the highs. I know where I want to be, it's the getting there that I was hoping for tips for. The only people that would get caught in the middle so to speak were those without good intentions. If people are decent humans that are respectful, not liars and took me into consideration then yes, I would imagine I'll be nervous as it's something new but I ain't exactly gonna burn their house down. I was merely wondering if people would be cool with talking things through with me first and what advice they'd given to move forward. Thanks for your input though, it's always good to get outside perspective P | |||
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"Have you thought about starting with a separate room swap with a couple? This might give you insight into how it would make you feel. It certainly doesn’t seem as though you are ready for single meets yet. ***I would be more concerned about a woman that was happy to jump through your hoops just to get to your other half tbh. *** I have no designs on anyone. My main relationship mantra is honesty so stealing someone else’s partner would really be getting off on the wrong foot. I just want to have fun and enjoy myself, which is why I prefer to meet truly single singles and happily married couples. " *** Good point!  | |||
"Have you thought about starting with a separate room swap with a couple? This might give you insight into how it would make you feel. It certainly doesn’t seem as though you are ready for single meets yet. ***I would be more concerned about a woman that was happy to jump through your hoops just to get to your other half tbh. *** I have no designs on anyone. My main relationship mantra is honesty so stealing someone else’s partner would really be getting off on the wrong foot. I just want to have fun and enjoy myself, which is why I prefer to meet truly single singles and happily married couples. *** Good point! "I totally hear ya. To start with it will absolutely not be single women, already had our fill of crazies in that regard hence why I went from being happy with separate meets to having a head fuck over it. It will be couples, and logically I thought couples will understand this and be willing to ease the separate stuff in gently. P | |||
"Have you thought about starting with a separate room swap with a couple? This might give you insight into how it would make you feel. It certainly doesn’t seem as though you are ready for single meets yet. ***I would be more concerned about a woman that was happy to jump through your hoops just to get to your other half tbh. *** I have no designs on anyone. My main relationship mantra is honesty so stealing someone else’s partner would really be getting off on the wrong foot. I just want to have fun and enjoy myself, which is why I prefer to meet truly single singles and happily married couples. *** Good point!
I totally hear ya. To start with it will absolutely not be single women, already had our fill of crazies in that regard hence why I went from being happy with separate meets to having a head fuck over it.
It will be couples, and logically I thought couples will understand this and be willing to ease the separate stuff in gently.
P"Yes I definitely think couples are the way forward and I am sure with plenty of communication you will find a level that you are comfortable with x | |||
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"I always go out of my way to make people feel comfortable with me . That would include a couple if i was meeting the lady on her own . " us too. For us we'd like meet all those affected, if not involved and reassure them both that we will respect them and their wishes. Apart from the obvious part about being a decent human, why would anybody want to put them off ever wanting to see you again. That by the way isn't a prerequisite to meeting, but given the opportunity we prefer to spread our network fairly thin, less being more in terms of finding people who you can have fun with, trust and be friendly with in the vanilla world too. | |||
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"As to what you talk about in terms of detail very much depends on your partner, everyone is different. For example some partners don't want to know details. They just want to know you got there ok, your safe and you had a great time. Your enjoyment and safety is all they need to know and they are happy you are happy. Then some partners want to be very much involved, knowing all the details, photos, videos maybe. Many people really get off on it. So its important that you discuss the nature of your playing alone and what sort of information you want to know and not know. Now I'm not saying it's about keeping secrets, the key to a successful relationship is openness and honesty. It's just more not everyone may want you to come home and start splurting out how awesome the other person's body was etc without even asking. So this aspect is well worth discussing before hand. And with other aspects of swinging as a couple there is a certain element of trial and error. So everyone has to be prepared it may not work out as expected and be prepared to say ok that didn't work for both of us so do we need to tweak things or draw a line under it. As long as everyone feels safe to talk openly without fear, be able to draw a line under things and put the relationship first always you can't go wrong and your in a sound place to explore new things." Very good advice.
Jo.Xx
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