FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swinging Club Discussion > Can Clubs Destroy Self Esteem?
Can Clubs Destroy Self Esteem?
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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After watching the documentary about swingers clubs, and the way people interacted i couldn't help thinking that those with self doubt or timid would be feeling left out, both serially and socially |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It's sad but shy babies don't get as many sweets... "
Completely agree with it.. confidence goes a long way,and speaking for myslef club gave me more confidence and made me even more comfortable on who I am ! I usually say "just own it babe" otherwise no sweets will come to you   |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Conversely I find clubs a massive ego boost whenever I go. I’m a reasonably attractive man, not scared of a conversation and I come out feeling great! I think if you’re timid and insecure, swinging isn’t for you.
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"You need to be able to talk to people in clubs otherwise you will not get anywhere  "
You also need to be able to cope with rejection. You can be the smoothest talker but tbere is no guarantee that it will lead anywhere. Be prepared for 100% effort and 0% reward |
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I suppose its easier for couples as they have each other to talk to if nobody else engages in conversation.
Being single in a club must be daunting.
We have found a simple, hello and a smile, can make all the difference and change a whole club experience. |
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I have no confidence issues in life or anywhere really.
Last club visit I was at the bar, I said 'good evening' to a couple - admittedly half my age but i was being polite not suggestive.
She laughed and he said - 'dont waste our time we dont fuck men'.
She added 'especially old men'
I just stared, then left and i will never go to a club alone aain !
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"I have no confidence issues in life or anywhere really.
Last club visit I was at the bar, I said 'good evening' to a couple - admittedly half my age but i was being polite not suggestive.
She laughed and he said - 'dont waste our time we dont fuck men'.
She added 'especially old men'
I just stared, then left and i will never go to a club alone aain !
"
what club was that in? |
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I go clubs if your shy step out of your comfort zone and say hi to people you dont feel attracted to and build you confidence and social Skills and move from there. Or do as i do and just dont care what ignorant people think or say, alot of people only go to clubs to be social and people watch |
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In our experience, if you go expecting things to happen you might be disappointed. Whereas if you go in the hope that it will, but happy to be social, talk, smile and look around then nice things can and do happen. Swingers Clubs do not guarantee sex, they are venues to meet like minded people who you may, or may not click with. Enjoy |
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I’ve been to clubs on my own and as a couple and it’s certainly less daunting if you’re there with someone - although there’s the additional responsibility / pressure of taking care that someone else is having a good experience too.
Given the circumstances of the Channel 4 documentary I’m amazed anyone got any action at all - I’d have found it far from relaxing trying to make small talk (let alone anything else) with a documentary camera crew roaming!
It’s been great to see how many people on here have been sympathetic to the woman who got a bit tearful - I thought the way that young couple coped (first time at a club AND being televised...) was good. He listened and supported her and they later had what looked like a good time together. I’m not sure clubs themselves are the issue, but self-confidence is bound to be tied up with questions of sexual attractiveness, I would imagine.
It’s sad to read about how people have had nasty interactions with other people at clubs - I always try and reassure myself that if people are that unpleasant in a context in which everyone knows we’re all vulnerable, they’re probably toxic enough to be best avoided - however physically attractive. Any meanness they direct at you is about their issues, not yours - though it doesn’t stop it being hurtful at the time... |
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"
She laughed and he said - 'dont waste our time we dont fuck men'.
She added 'especially old men'
I just stared, then left and i will never go to a club alone again !
"
Please don't let one ignorant comment stop you going |
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By *horty4Man
over a year ago
london |
Not sure its actually that different to any other social environment. In fact I’d say its a lot more honest, a lot of the ambiguity is stripped away. Its sex based (yes it really is, despite the protestations that swingining isn’t entered around sex)
I’m honestly quiet shy in other situations, swingers clubs have done wonders for me and I’m distinctly average. |
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"I have no confidence issues in life or anywhere really.
Last club visit I was at the bar, I said 'good evening' to a couple - admittedly half my age but i was being polite not suggestive.
She laughed and he said - 'dont waste our time we dont fuck men'.
She added 'especially old men'
I just stared, then left and i will never go to a club alone aain !
"
That's awful, how rude of them. Not everyone who goes to clubs are like that. In fact the majority aren't x |
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By *abioMan
over a year ago
Newcastle and Gateshead |
i think its one of those things where you have to be pragmatic about it all.... you are not going to fancy everyone there and not everyone is going to fancy you! so as long as you are prepared to go with and open mind and no expectations then people will be fine!
I do say to people just go around and talk to people and don't just sit in a corner watching the world go by, in a club it is definately a case of the more you put in, the more you get out! |
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By *m241Couple
over a year ago
Lincoln |
"I have no confidence issues in life or anywhere really.
Last club visit I was at the bar, I said 'good evening' to a couple - admittedly half my age but i was being polite not suggestive.
She laughed and he said - 'dont waste our time we dont fuck men'.
She added 'especially old men'
I just stared, then left and i will never go to a club alone aain !
"
Wow, don’t judge everyone on one rude woman, give the rest of us a chance. |
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I am not judging everyone, just made me realise that clubs are not for me when i am alone. I have been since with a lady from fab and the experience was great, and peoples reaction to me very different when i had a hot 35 yr old lady by my side ! |
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"i think its one of those things where you have to be pragmatic about it all.... you are not going to fancy everyone there and not everyone is going to fancy you! so as long as you are prepared to go with and open mind and no expectations then people will be fine!
I do say to people just go around and talk to people and don't just sit in a corner watching the world go by, in a club it is definately a case of the more you put in, the more you get out!"
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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We’ve found clubs to actually help if you’re a little shy. My partner is not the most forward in regular life and certainly doesn’t realise how stunning she is.
While we both enjoy the lifestyle without clubs she would be to insecure to meet that often.
Most good clubs will help those on their first nights or a little shy to mix.
We’ve also spent many a good night having spoken to the quieter people, as well as those of a more flamboyant nature. |
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"We’ve found clubs to actually help if you’re a little shy. My partner is not the most forward in regular life and certainly doesn’t realise how stunning she is.
While we both enjoy the lifestyle without clubs she would be to insecure to meet that often.
Most good clubs will help those on their first nights or a little shy to mix.
We’ve also spent many a good night having spoken to the quieter people, as well as those of a more flamboyant nature. "
Well said! & yep she does look stunning & you don’t look too shabby  |
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By *os19Man
over a year ago
Edmonton |
"I have no confidence issues in life or anywhere really.
Last club visit I was at the bar, I said 'good evening' to a couple - admittedly half my age but i was being polite not suggestive.
She laughed and he said - 'dont waste our time we dont fuck men'.
She added 'especially old men'
I just stared, then left and i will never go to a club alone aain !
"
. Those remarks sound awful absolutely no need for them.As a single guy that goes to a club it can be nerve racking as it is but remarks like that can put you off permanently. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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IMO yes you need to be a little forward in putting yourself out there, a smile and hello is usually all it takes though. I've seen a lot of guys just cruise around not talking to anyone who then go home bored or annoyed, when that's your "competition" it's really not hard to stand out from the crowd!
Sorry to hear the woman's comment though, that sort of attitude is out of order and you shouldn't let one bad experience put you off for good. Yes you need a thick skin (and a good temper, retorting wouldn't have helped and probably made you the bad guy!) but it's worth sticking in there! |
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I'm most new to the scene but the amount of guys who are like rabbits in the headlights at Club F beggars belief.. I mean come on, when exactly did the art of conversation die exactly..? Shy bairns indeed... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"If you are shy and not able to socially interact, a club is definitively not recommended.
That is definitely true."
I thought that you just followed couples around the club in a erectile trance hoping for gratification or have got that wrong and us single chaps need to communicate? |
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By *andcCouple
over a year ago
Cheshire and London |
We love clubs, but we find even if you have loads of experience going to a new club it can take a couple of visits to get to know people...being outgoing helps, you need to talk to people..don't expect too much and you won't be disappointed.
Not sure that any club with a tv crew is a good time to visit anyway, or is a good view of the swinger scene...swinging is lots of different things to different people |
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By *jonesMan
over a year ago
Totnes |
"I have no confidence issues in life or anywhere really.
Last club visit I was at the bar, I said 'good evening' to a couple - admittedly half my age but i was being polite not suggestive.
She laughed and he said - 'dont waste our time we dont fuck men'.
She added 'especially old men'
I just stared, then left and i will never go to a club alone aain !
"
I wouldnt let one rude lady bother you she, at the end of the day charm and character, a nice smile are more attractive than anything and she will grow old with neither... |
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I’ve visited several clubs as a single guy, and can answer yes; clubs can destroy your self esteem. I’ve received so many knockbacks, heads turned away as I’ve approached people, been ignored as I’ve tried to open conversation, and heard “We’re not interested in single guys” so many times, I have usually left the club within a couple of hours. Don’t get me wrong; I have had a couple of great nights in clubs, but my experiences on the whole have been the opposite of what you see described in the forums here. I’m told I just need to choose “the right night/event”.......? I would never recommend the club scene to a mate (as a single guy) for sure.
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"After watching the documentary about swingers clubs, and the way people interacted i couldn't help thinking that those with self doubt or timid would be feeling left out, both serially and socially "
I think that would be the same in any situation for those with self doubt or who are timid.
Worth working on it with the club and it's pleasures a nice target to aim for |
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By *JohnMan
over a year ago
Newcastle upon Tyne |
Can clubs hurt self esteem? Absolutely. Any interaction with other people risks hurting your self esteem, if you let it. Clubs are no different.
Can they help self esteem? My experience, and the experience of a lot of people I've talked to (and quite a few in this thread) is a very big YES. Clubs have done more for me than anything else.
It all depends on your attitude. It doesn't matter who you are, what you look like, how sparkling your conversation is: some people won't be interested in you. And that's OK. A few will be quite blunt about it, which is less OK, but it's not something you can control. It's important to remember that a rejection isn't a personal failure. You just have to find someone else. Or a few someone elses.
There are still right ways and wrong ways to go about it. If you keep trying and keep failing, it might be time to take a close look at what you're doing. Just don't give up too early.
I really felt for the couple in that programme. I know that feeling. It's hard when you think someone is into you and find out that they're not (it's also possible that if they'd asked to join in, they would have been welcomed. But that's a big risk to take when you're already feeling that fragile). I'm glad they said they'd be going back - next time, on a busier night without the cameras, I have a feeling they're going to have a much better night. They seemed lovely people. |
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By *ittleMissCaliWoman
over a year ago
trouble most likely, or creating it :) |
I've taken many people to their first club.. and met many newbies and watched them grow on confidence.
However I am very proactive with helping newbies at clubs.. by introducing them to people and if I see them sat quietly not making eye contact in a corner.. then I will go check and chat and then as I say normally go I introduce them to others x |
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"Clubs helped me with body image and confidence. Seeing people there, not judging on how anyone looked x"
Definitely this. I was scared to death before we went on our first club outing but people there are so friendly, non-judgmental, completely put you at ease. Can't wait to go back x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Clubs helped me with body image and confidence. Seeing people there, not judging on how anyone looked x"
I will go along with that - best confidence boost ever - never played with anyone at a club but just to feel accepted was fabulous in itself x |
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By *HaRiFMan
over a year ago
Beyond the shadows. |
Possibly, if you don't have interpersonal skills you may struggle with it to start with. Also mindset plays a big part, if you go with the mindset that something is definitely going to happen then more often than not you'll leave disappointed. But I think over all it helps people build more self esteem. |
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I tend to agree with this.
Go to a club with the mindset of being socially open.
and be prepared to come across rejection in some form.
If I were overly sensitive, I think I would stay away from clubs.
I’m quite introverted and going to a club as a single men was hellishly daunting for me. I went in with an open mind and really enjoyed it. It pushed me to be more social and I was rejected a couple of time, yeah it’s not nice but it’s part and parcel of the swinging culture.
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We have been to a couple of clubs now. In fairness yes you need to be outgoing, however everyone tends to put you at ease.
We have definitely met several cpls and had lots of fun. However the comments from some of the single guys on here seem a little way off.
The gentlemen that mentioned the couple half his age! How do you know they hadn't been approached by 20 guys before you, and believe us when we say most are not so polite.
I (Jezza) have been to several clubs with different ladies, however I would never go as a single guy!.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Wow love this thread. Everyone’s experiences are so interesting. Thanks op. I think personally ones visit to clubs can go both ways. Either it helps your confidence or it doesn’t . I’ve had experience of both. When I first started out on the scene I had no confidence at all. The thought of getting naked and doing something sexual in front of others would make me cringe. We all have body issues at some time or other . And we often feel unattractive but being in a club where other people didn’t judge me for how I looked was so liberating . My confidence improved over time and boom there was no holding back. If you’re shy and reserved I can see how we would struggle but I think no matters what we’re all free to try something out of our comfort zone. I think the lady on the ch4 doc was brave putting herself out there and her hubby supported her beautifully .
However I have seen other visitors to clubs make comments to people whether they be flippant remarks about something they’re wearing or something about their body or looks and those comments have affected them deeply . But yes in life it happens a lot not just on the scene unfortunately .
I’m waffling now  .
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Not at all. We're very shy and reserved irl. Once in a club all bets were off, kit off and fucking in all the rooms.
All about taking the leap, if you've not got the nerve, it'll become apparent 5mins into a club |
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"I’ve visited several clubs as a single guy, and can answer yes; clubs can destroy your self esteem. I’ve received so many knockbacks, heads turned away as I’ve approached people, been ignored as I’ve tried to open conversation, and heard “We’re not interested in single guys” so many times, I have usually left the club within a couple of hours. Don’t get me wrong; I have had a couple of great nights in clubs, but my experiences on the whole have been the opposite of what you see described in the forums here. I’m told I just need to choose “the right night/event”.......? I would never recommend the club scene to a mate (as a single guy) for sure.
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The trouble with is that single men are often over represented and the number of couples wanting to play with them limited. You could be a charming Adonis and we still wouldn't want to play. That doesn't mean we'd be rude, don't forget though that there's a select group of single men who, once you reject them, have a tendency to be very rude.
We aren't the most confident people regarding our body images but take the view that , if someone doesn't like what they see they can look elsewhere. It took a while to get to that position and ignorant comments can be hurtful, thankfully they are rare. |
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"We have been to a couple of clubs now. In fairness yes you need to be outgoing, however everyone tends to put you at ease.
We have definitely met several cpls and had lots of fun. However the comments from some of the single guys on here seem a little way off.
The gentlemen that mentioned the couple half his age! How do you know they hadn't been approached by 20 guys before you, and believe us when we say most are not so polite.
I (Jezza) have been to several clubs with different ladies, however I would never go as a single guy!.
"
Having also visited clubs with lady friends, I can confirm there is a huge difference to how people look at you, to that when you’re a single guy. I won’t be going as a single guy again, unless I have a prearranged meet inside |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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yes I watched that programme it was all very British or was that because the cameras were there .it all looked a bit nerve wracking I liked what the previous person said about having the Samaritans on speed dial could be handy . |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"After watching the documentary about swingers clubs, and the way people interacted i couldn't help thinking that those with self doubt or timid would be feeling left out, both serially and socially "
Was this the one on channel 4? |
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By *ikeC81Man
over a year ago
harrow |
Ok I have been to clubs as both a single guy and with a female friend over the years
I would say when I go even a club where I am a regular and know people if I don't go for a couple of months then it’s a case of getting to know the new people that have come
If I go to a new club, I often say to the person doing the tour, I have bent o clubs before please show me the toilets, showers / paly rooms and the bar area m
If your new I often find chatting to the bar staff helps |
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» Add a new message to this topic
I went from having nearly no confidence to being quite confident, met so many great people at clubs and I find they are less pressure than private meets. And it’s very very nice to be able to wander round in your underwear and feel good, knowing the people there do too! And no one is judging 
