FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Stupid dad jokes
Stupid dad jokes
Jump to: Newest in thread
How does a man's fart sounds in metric system?
*
Gram...Gram...Gram
*
How does a woman's fart sounds in metric system?
*
Kilo...Kilo...Kilo
*
Throw your stones at me or tell your stupid joke.
*
Man first for the effect, no other reason.
*
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
 |
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
What noise does a mushroom car make?
Shroooooommmm! |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I asked my Gym instructor to teach me how to do the splits
"How flexible are you?" She asked
"Well I can't do Tuesday or Thursdays" I replied |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
"I asked my Gym instructor to teach me how to do the splits
"How flexible are you?" She asked
"Well I can't do Tuesday or Thursdays" I replied "
This is a good 1 lool |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I had a vasectomy as I don't want kids anymore.
When I got home the little bastards were still there. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *amierebelMan
over a year ago
My own little world |
Guy in a wheelchair stole my camouflage jacket yesterday..... well he can hide but he can't run  |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
People keep telling me I am condescending.
(That's talking down to people) |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
What did the drummer call his 4 daughters?
Anna 1, Anna 2, Anna 3, Anna 4.
I'll get my coat |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
What kind of music do wind turbines like?
They’re big metal fans |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Did you hear about the Mexican fireman who named his twin sons Jose and Hose B |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
..or the plumber who named his kids Hot and Cold |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
[Removed by poster at 27/01/24 21:01:57] |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I thought my tumble dryer was shrinking all my clothes. Turns out it was the fridge |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
What did the Japanese janitor say when he leapt out of the cupboard?
Supplies! |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
"What did the drummer call his 4 daughters?
Anna 1, Anna 2, Anna 3, Anna 4.
I'll get my coat"
 |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I got sent to work in the prison library once.
It had its prose and cons. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *aizyWoman
over a year ago
west midlands |
"I got sent to work in the prison library once.
It had its prose and cons. "
That is awful!
Well done!!  |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *wlmanMan
over a year ago
Rugby |
Electric car owners
What music do they listen to?
AC/DC or something current? |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *cflirtyMan
over a year ago
Hampshire |
So the shopping list said 6 cans of Sprite... but when I got home I realised I'd picked 7up |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *wlmanMan
over a year ago
Rugby |
"So the shopping list said 6 cans of Sprite... but when I got home I realised I'd picked 7up"
Groan |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
"I got sent to work in the prison library once.
It had its prose and cons.
That is awful!
Well done!! "
 |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I got a book out the library.. "the science of superglue"
I couldn't put it down
Got a book out on cellotape..
I couldn't find the beginning.. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Last night me and the missus watched two DVDs back to back
Luckily I was the one facing the TV. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Great thread!!
How does the moon cut its hair???....
....
....
Eclipse it
*Drops the mic |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
What does a fake Blacksmith make
Forgeries |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *TG3Man
over a year ago
Upton Towans |
I had sex on a plane it was wrong on so many levels |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
"I had sex on a plane it was wrong on so many levels "
I had sex in a lift. That was also wrong on so many levels. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *TG3Man
over a year ago
Upton Towans |
"I had sex on a plane it was wrong on so many levels
I had sex in a lift. That was also wrong on so many levels. "
omg yes but you've gotta be quick in a lift |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Awful news about the explosion in the.....
FRENCH CHEESE factory
No one was hurt, but de brie was everywhere
NISSAN CAR factory
It's raining Datsun cogs
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Did you hear about the Chinese couple who got a divorce?
She went back to Peking, he went back to wanking. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
My father owned a coal extraction company, but did not tell anyone.
He mined his own business |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Used to have this woman come and wax my Speedo area but she was no good so I had to give her the sac |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *r_PinkMan
over a year ago
london stratford |
"Used to have this woman come and wax my Speedo area but she was no good so I had to give her the sac "
I say I say I say..............
what is the difference between abudabi and dubai?
Well. the people of dubai do not like the flintstones but abudabi do!!!!
BOOM BOOM
its the way i tell em! |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *ooBulMan
over a year ago
SNottingham |
If a Vegetarian has an argument then, is it called a beef...? |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *ooBulMan
over a year ago
SNottingham |
If a seagull is flying over a bay, is it called a bay-gull....?  |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
How many Mexicans does it take to fix a lightbulb?
Juan |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
World strawberry picking contest
A woman with no legs won it.
The guy who came second said
She was a jammy cunt. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
What happened to the frogs car when it broke down? It got toad away. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *wlmanMan
over a year ago
Rugby |
My wife thinks I'm a sex machine....
Well, she calls me a fucking tool..... |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
See the Inventor of Velcro has died.
RIP |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *uzie69xTV/TS
over a year ago
Maidstone |
"What did the drummer call his 4 daughters?
Anna 1, Anna 2, Anna 3, Anna 4.
I'll get my coat"
Barooom Tish ... Would be the perfect ending that joke... |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I have named my pet termite Clint. Clint eats wood.... |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I have been trying to find the final resting place of the man who invented the crossword. When I got to the cemetery I asked a guy if he knew where it was. He told me it was 4 down 2 across. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *uzie69xTV/TS
over a year ago
Maidstone |
Woman sees a man at the Olympic Village bus stop with a pole.
Are you a pole vaulter? She asks...
No I'm German but how did you know my name is Walter? |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
How can you tell if a pig is hot? It's bacon
How did the cheese paint his wife? He double gloucester |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
My mate invented an acid that can burn through anything
He’s currently trying to find something to put it in |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Bought a Christmas tree today and the guy said are you putting it up yourself ? I said no Its going in the front room |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Panty liners . Worst cruise I ever been on |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Why do women give birth ?
Because it hurts and they deserve it |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
A man walks in to a bar
Ouch , it was a metal bar |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I asked the bank cashier to check my balance so she pushed me over! |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Sold my vacuum cleaner the other day
It was only collecting dust
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I have just written my first song, it is about tortillas.
Well it is more of a rap |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I bitterly regret going to that Star Wars themed sex party.
Turns out the man in the Darth Vader suit was my father |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Thanks for letting me join this chat, By the way I am Psychic.
Now, I know what you are all thinking.
I have swallowed a lot of synonyms.
It's given me thesaurus throat I have ever had.
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
"Last night me and the missus watched two DVDs back to back
Luckily I was the one facing the TV. "
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
A dwarf walked into a woman wearing a miniskirt
He got a crack on the head |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
What's brown and sticky
A stick |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
What shorts do clouds wear?
Thunderpants |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
A slice of apple pie is £2.50 in Jamaica and £3 in the Bahamas…
There are the pie rates of the Caribbean. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
[Removed by poster at 09/02/24 14:18:25] |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I mixed up all the spices in my partner's spice rack without telling them.
I am not in trouble, but thymes a cumin |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Why don't skeletons fight each other?
Because they don't have the guts! |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
What do you call a spider with 10 eyes?
A spiiiiiiiiiider |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
My sat-nav keeps directing me to nudist beaches!.... I think it might be a peeping TomTom |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
What do call a dinosaur with one eye?
A doyouthinkhesaurus.. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I used to be a gynecologist... got fired for eating on the job.
What do you call a fish with no eye(i) fshhh.
Why did the hedgehog cross the road? To see his flat mate.
What's the difference between a crocodile and an alligator? One will see you in a while the other will see you later.
What do you call a woman with one leg? Eileen.
What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
"A dwarf walked into a woman wearing a miniskirt
He got a crack on the head "
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
What do you call a man with a shovel on his head? Doug
What do you call a man without a shovel on his head? Douglas
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
"What do you call a man with a shovel on his head? Doug
What do you call a man without a shovel on his head? Douglas
"
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff
What do you call a man with a pig on his head? Hamed.
What do you call a man with two pigs on his head? Morehammed |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
A guy sits down in a restaurant and orders a bowl of chili.
The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".
He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".
He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too". |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
My partner calls me his Sex machine.
Well he actually says I am a "Fucking tool", but I know what he means |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) 23 weeks ago
|
How do you make a hormone?
Don’t pay her !
Ba-Dum 🥁 |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) 23 weeks ago
|
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea.
🦌 |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) 23 weeks ago
|
What’s blue and doesn’t fit?
A dead epileptic 🫣 |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
How does a serial killer with pronouns kill their victims??
They / (slash) Them |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) 23 weeks ago
|
"What do you call a man with a shovel on his head? Doug
What do you call a man without a shovel on his head? Douglas
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff
What do you call a man with a pig on his head? Hamed.
What do you call a man with two pigs on his head? Morehammed "
What do you call a man with two pigs on his head standing between two houses?
Morehammed Alley |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Dad, can you explain what an eclipse is?
No sun |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) 23 weeks ago
|
I got addicted to the Hokey Cokey….
But I turned myself around ! |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *apinMan 23 weeks ago
London |
I tell dad jokes
Sometimes he laughs |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
A chicken and a frog go into a library.
The chicken says "book, book, book"
And the frog says "reddit, reddit, reddit" |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *ild_oatsMan 23 weeks ago
the land of saints & sinners |
What is the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?
I’ve never had a lentil on my face… |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
What do you call a blind dinosaur?
Doyouthinkhesaurus.
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *ettaManMan 23 weeks ago
Based in Kerry, work in Cork. |
What's leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) 23 weeks ago
|
"What do you call a blind dinosaur?
Doyouthinkhesaurus.
"
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
Lickalotapus |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
What do you call a man with a rabbit stuck in his bum?
Warren.
And a new book
Going to the toilet by…Willy makeit and Betty Wont. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
There’s a new wonder drug to treat women who used to be straight but became lesbians and are having issues with the lack of satisfying vaginal penetration.
It’s called Trycoxagain. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *abluesbabyMan 23 weeks ago
Gibraltar/Cheshire/London |
Just saw an old clip of the late, great Les Dawson cooking a dish on TV chef Rustie Lee's show...
Rustie: "Do you ever cook yourself?"
Les "Only that time I fell in the oven" |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Rename the Gulf of Mexico....
Instead of renaming it to Gulf of America, they should rename it to Sea Senor |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Went for a meet with a guy off here recently and told him I was a bit down. He took his t shirt off revealing a heavily tattooed upper body, handed me a set of felt pens and said it’s ok, I’ve a good shoulder to crayon… |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
"What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea.
🦌 "
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no cock?
Still no fucking idea |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
What do you get if you cross a mouse with an elephant
Bloody big holes in your skirting boards |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) 21 weeks ago
|
‘I’m gonna come and see you later’  |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I'm not sure what I like most about Switzerland, but it's flag is a big plus |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
The chinese art of self secual gratification
By
Wan.king |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Did you hear about the man who overdosed on curry powder?
Doctors had to put him into a korma. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Unfamiliar with Indian food, I asked the waiter "What's Tarka Dhal?"
The waiter replied
"It's like ordinary Dahl, only... 'otter" |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I met a dyslexic Yorkshire man this morning, he was wearing a cat flap.
I know a polish sound engineer, and a Czech one too.
I was watching Australian masterchef and everyone cheered when someone made a meringue, I thought that's odd usually Australians boo meringue |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I'm still angry at my parents for not buying me expensive rollerblades.
Cheapskates. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Top Tip:
If you are been chased by a group of taxidermists.
Don't play dead |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison? You can't wash your face in a buffalo, but you can in a bison! |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Just out here telling people about the benefits of dried grapes …. You know , raisin awareness  |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
What do you call a dinosaur with haemorrhoids??
A mega -sore-arse |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
A firework and a car battery got arrested. They let one off and charged the other |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
"What did the Japanese janitor say when he leapt out of the cupboard?
Supplies!"
🤣🤣🤣 |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
My pet mouse ‘Elvis’ died last night …. He was caught in a trap |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I managed to lift a panda with one finger.
It was easy. The problem was finding a panda with just one finger… |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
A pack of polos and tic tacs are sitting at the bar when a pack of halls soothers walks in. The pack of polos says to the tic tacs.”don’t stare at him, he’s menthol” |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
"A pack of polos and tic tacs are sitting at the bar when a pack of halls soothers walks in. The pack of polos says to the tic tacs.”don’t stare at him, he’s menthol” "
Two chunks of tarmac are having a argument over who is the "hardest" of hardcore. Just then a pink chunk of tarmac comes in, right beside a green chunk of tarmac. The first chunk of tarmac says to the second chunk of tarmac.
Don't look now,- those two are a pair of cycle paths!.... |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) 20 weeks ago
|
What's the difference between an egg and a good wank?
You can beat an egg. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) 20 weeks ago
|
Wasted a bunch of money on a sat nav designed by fleetwood mac.
-It's rubbish.
Keeps saying you can go your own way. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Batman: the batmobile won't start, Robin try the battery!
Robin: What's a terry? |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *hief ScoutMan 20 weeks ago
Wild Border Country of Herts & Middx ! |
What do you call a one-legged Indian ?
Balan Singh |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) 20 weeks ago
|
What's the difference between a woman and a refrigerator?
The fridge won't fart when you pull the meat out. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I asked the lady running the sex shop where they kept their lubes.
In the non-friction section apparently |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
1.
Well you can say what you want about deaf people.
2.
I remember meeting a blind lady of the night.
She said I was the biggest guy she had ever had.
I think she was just pulling my leg
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Therewas a Norweigen walking his bear in a park in stockholm...
A swedish policeman walked up to them and said excuse me do you have a license for that bear....
norweigen replied i didnt know you needed a license for a bear...
policeman replied, i was talking to the bear!... |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Where does a General keep his armies?
In his sleevies |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Why did the blind man stop bungee jumping?
It scared the shit out of his dog. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I once saw a guy chat up a cheetah.i thought, he's trying to pull a fast one |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I like to go up to Spanish colleagues at work and say
"Mucho"
It means a lot to them |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Never buy flowers from a monk. We need to prevent florist friars. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
What’s brown and rhymes with ‘snoop’?
Dr Dre |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
My friend said the other day he didn’t know how cloning worked.
I said “that makes two of us” |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
"My friend said the other day he didn’t know how cloning worked.
I said “that makes two of us”"
So I asked my landlord if I could set myself up a cloning laboratory in my flat.
He said “no problem, make yourself at home” |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
"My friend said the other day he didn’t know how cloning worked.
I said “that makes two of us”
So I asked my landlord if I could set myself up a cloning laboratory in my flat.
He said “no problem, make yourself at home”"
When the cloning experiments actually worked I was so happy I was beside myself |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Had to take my pet chameleon to the vet today he can't change colour anymore
Turns out he's got a reptile dysfunction |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
"My friend said the other day he didn’t know how cloning worked.
I said “that makes two of us”
So I asked my landlord if I could set myself up a cloning laboratory in my flat.
He said “no problem, make yourself at home”
When the cloning experiments actually worked I was so happy I was beside myself"
Mexican gene scientists are celebrating their success in gender selection with a special offer,- buy Juan, get Juan free |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
My niece was doing history homework and asked me what I knew about
Galileo.
I said: "He was a poor boy from a poor family.” |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
A guy told his wife “I think you’ve had eyebrow lifts”…..she looked surprised |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *oodbMan 20 weeks ago
manchester |
CEO of Stockport dyslexic society got awarded an OBE last week. When asked by a Manchester Evening News reporter if he was pleased, he said he was but couldn’t understand why they gave him it as he couldn’t play it. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *oodbMan 20 weeks ago
manchester |
I went to my GP because I can’t control my weight. He said it’s a simple fix, just don’t eat anything fatty.
I asked what specifically shouldn’t I eat…
He said no, you don’t understand. I said DON’T EAT ANYTHING, fatty! |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset about it. Turns out, I'm not gonna be a doctor. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
When I was younger I always wanted to be a mortician, until I realised it was a dead end job |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Two fish swimming side by side, when they come across a huge concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam" |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) 20 weeks ago
|
Man walks into a bar.
OUCH. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *wcdfor2TV/TS 20 weeks ago
SKELMERSDALE |
I have been reading a book about people helping criminals escape the justice system, it's called
Avoiding Time by Aiden Enabetting. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) 20 weeks ago
|
What's a pilots favourite biscuit ?
Big plane ones |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
What is the least spoken language?
Sign language |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Why did the one-eyed chicken cross the road?
He was going to the Birds Eye shop. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
What do you call an Indian electrician?
Ashok |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Had sex with my mum in a lift once.
It was wrong on so many levels |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Why are chefs so cruel?....
They batter fish... whip cream... and beat eggs. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *ildbillkidMan 19 weeks ago
where the road goes on forever |
A blind man went into a shop, picked up his dog and started swinging it around by it's leash, people asked "what are you doing" the blind man said," just having a look around" |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
After 5 years what’s the difference between your wife and your Job
Your Job still sucks |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
I have like 50 wooden balls already. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I bought a new pair of gloves today but they’re both ‘lefts’, which on the one hand is great but on the other it’s just not right. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Had a vasectomy yesterday as I don't want kids anymore
When I got home the bastards were still there.
(Yeah, know it is an old one, but still makes me smile) |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
What do you call a man with no shins Toe knee |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I asked the cashier in the bank to check my balance, so she pushed me over! |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
A joke, is not a Dad joke, until it is fully groan. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *hief ScoutMan 17 weeks ago
Wild Border Country of Herts & Middx ! |
What goes hitttthhh ?
A snake with a lisp. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
"Had a vasectomy yesterday as I don't want kids anymore
When I got home the bastards were still there.
In the same vein..
Got home from work today to find the kids had been on ebay all day..
If they're on it tomorrow I'll lower the price..
(Yeah, know it is an old one, but still makes me smile)"
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I was a bit surprised when the doctor prescribed LSD for my constipation
But then i saw a dragon and shat myself |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I'm addicted to brake fluid, but it's alright. I can stop at any time. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
A wizard goes into a gay bar. Then disappears with a puff |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
"What do you call a blind dinosaur?
Doyouthinkhesaurus.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
Lickalotapus"
What would a carnivorous dinosaur name his pet dog?
Tyranosaur's Rex |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *ripfillMan 17 weeks ago
Paris, New York, Hong Kong and Havant |
..” a man walks into a bar and knocks himself out” |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *hief ScoutMan 17 weeks ago
Wild Border Country of Herts & Middx ! |
I was in town the other day and needed a taxi.
"Waterloo please."
"The station mate ?"
"Well I'm a bit fucking late for the battle...." |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Children in china that learn to play the piano know a tune called knifes and forks.. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks! |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
If someone handed over a poorly cephlopod as payment for a small cash debt, would they be saying "Here's the sick squid I owe you "
.... I'll get my ten sleeved coat |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) 17 weeks ago
|
I was watching a documentary on how ships are made, it was riveting. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
I ask the wife have you seen the dog bowl she said I didn't know he could |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
"I was watching a documentary on how ships are made, it was riveting."
Reminds me of the book about micro gravity... difficult to put down. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *VANDYMan 16 weeks ago
Dawlish |
"Guy in a wheelchair stole my camouflage jacket yesterday..... well he can hide but he can't run "
Someone at work stole my trainers and hi vis……
well he can run but he can’t hide |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By (user no longer on site) 16 weeks ago
|
I can’t drink 5L of petrol but my mate Jerry can |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
|
By *rAitchMan 16 weeks ago
Diagonally Parked in a Parallel Universe |
Why can't a T-Rex clap its hands?
Because it's extinct. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
One of my friends was sacked from her job yesterday for putting her hair in a bun.
She worked at McDonald's. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
What do Ivan The Terrible, Rupert The Bear and Catherine The Great all have in common?
.
.
The same middle name |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
What do you call a boner at a funeral?
Mourning Wood.
|
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
So much gratuitous sex and violence on the telly these days …. And God knows, you know how much I dislike gratuitous violence …. |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
And finally.....
What has the White House and my penis got in common?
Musk has made both of them unbearable |
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) | |
