FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Jokes

Jokes

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Two ladies are talking over the garden fence.'Betty',says the first one,how come when you put your washing out its always the perfect drying day?

'Well',says Norma. When I wake up in the morning and pull the duvet back,if my old man's willy is lying to the left,I know it's gonna rain and if it's lying to the right I know the weather will be perfect for getting my washing dry.

'Right',says Betty,but what if his willy is pointing straight up?

'Who the hell gives a shite about the washing then.🤪

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By *ermite12ukMan over a year ago

Solihull and Romford

Did you know that Jesus drove a Honda?

As he was being taken to the crucification he stated that he wasn't going, of his own accord.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

What's the difference between a Hedgehog and a BMW driver?

A Hedgehog has the pricks on the outside.😄😄😄

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By *di3491Man over a year ago

Sandbach

What’s pink and covered in cobwebs

Madeleine McCanns bike

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"What’s pink and covered in cobwebs

Madeleine McCanns bike "

Sick mate.🤢

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

The man who invented the okykoky died last week,

They tried to put the coffin lid on - but, as the left leg went in …. the right leg went out !

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Two nuns sitting in a bath one says to the other

Where’s the soap … the other nun replied .. yes it does doesn’t it !

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Woman goes to see the doctor and explains that everytime she passes wind,she hears a little voice saying "Honda".

So the doctor examines her and tells her she has an abcess on her bum. "An abcess she says"!

"Yes he says,don't you know,Abcess makes the fart go Honda".🤣

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By *ORDERMANMan over a year ago

wrexham(south)

Spanish scientists have finally successfully been able to cross a mule with a biscuit...

They've called it a donkey oatie

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By *egnMaxCouple over a year ago

East Midlands

What goes an and out and stinks of piss?

Grandma and Grandad doing the Okey Cokey.

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By *onnachakeaneMan over a year ago

Dundrum

Husband visits his wife who’s in a coma every day for 10 years…… eventually a young consultant pulls him aside and say “I know she’s been in a coma a long time but if you don’t mind me saying so recently studies in this area have suggested oral sex may stimulate a response from her”

Husband goes “thank you… I’ll literally try anything” so the pull the curtain discreetly around her bed and the Doc waits outside….. eventually he hears shaking and gurgling….. husband emerges pulling up his zip “Are you 100% sure about this??”

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By *onnachakeaneMan over a year ago

Dundrum

[Removed by poster at 10/04/25 01:44:05]

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By *onnachakeaneMan over a year ago

Dundrum

I was blessed with a 9 inch penis…….

The priest is now in jail….

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"What’s pink and covered in cobwebs

Madeleine McCanns bike "

😂😂😂

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By *ild_oatsMan over a year ago

the land of saints & sinners

Q: What’s the difference between light and hard ?

A: At 3:26 in the morning you can always go to sleep with the light on…..

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By *anielpiercedMan over a year ago

What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

I've never had a lentil on my face.

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By *ergus1622Man over a year ago

Dundee

Why do cats not play games in the jungle?

Too meny cheetahs .

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Thank God for the man who invented Venetian Blinds.

Otherwise,it would be curtains for all of us.🤣🤣

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By *rumpyMcFuckNuggetMan over a year ago

Den of Iniquity

I used to go out with a girl from Norfolk who I nicknamed Six Fingers ..

She wasn't inbred that's just how many she liked

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By *laymoreMan over a year ago

Portsmouth

What’s the difference between a fanny & a fridge?

A fridge doesn’t fart when you pull the meat out 🤣🤣

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

The man who invented throat lozenges died last week …..

There was no coffin at his funeral

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By *rumpyMcFuckNuggetMan over a year ago

Den of Iniquity

When I asked my GF for sex last night she said " can we try something extra in the condoms tonight " ..

I said " sure , what ? "

She replied

" Other Men's Cocks "

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"When I asked my GF for sex last night she said " can we try something extra in the condoms tonight " ..

I said " sure , what ? "

She replied

" Other Men's Cocks " "

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By *weet and SpiceCouple over a year ago

Around the Midlands

A 17-year-old boy walks into a chemist and says, 'I've been invited to dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterward, I'm hoping to get lucky if you know what I mean.'"

Staff: 'How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack.'

The young man smiles and says, 'You know what? The mum is also smoking hot. I think I'll take another pack in case I get extra lucky.'

The night of the dinner, the boy sits at the table and doesn't say a word. After a while, his girlfriend says, 'If I'd known you'd be so quiet, I wouldn't have invited you.'

The young man replies, 'And if I'd known your dad worked at a chemist, I wouldn't have come

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By *rumpyMcFuckNuggetMan over a year ago

Den of Iniquity

"A 17-year-old boy walks into a chemist and says, 'I've been invited to dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterward, I'm hoping to get lucky if you know what I mean.'"

Staff: 'How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack.'

The young man smiles and says, 'You know what? The mum is also smoking hot. I think I'll take another pack in case I get extra lucky.'

The night of the dinner, the boy sits at the table and doesn't say a word. After a while, his girlfriend says, 'If I'd known you'd be so quiet, I wouldn't have invited you.'

The young man replies, 'And if I'd known your dad worked at a chemist, I wouldn't have come"

😆😆😆😆

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

One night I put the condom on inside out..didn't know if I was Cumming or going.😁

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By *ORDERMANMan over a year ago

wrexham(south)

Grandmother is lying on her deathbed sat beside her holding her hand is gmher granddaughter...

You know I'm dying says granny I know says the granddaughter...

When I die I want you to inherit all my wealth..my farm its land the cows tractor..my sports car and my jewellery..

That's wonderful granny and thank you...but we never knew you had all this wealth ..where have you hidden it...

On facebook

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By *onnachakeaneMan over a year ago

Dundrum

Two guys are walking down the street and come upon a dog licking his balls. One guy says to the other, "I wish I could do that." The other guy replies, "I’d pet him first."

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By *airybobMan over a year ago

Telford

Little known fact,Richard Gere’s father was a famous ventriloquist in Germany his name was Gotalier Gere

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By *irtycadabraMan over a year ago

Rochdale

Did you hear about the thalidomide pornstar....?

He had arms like a baby's cock.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What is the difference between people from Dubai and people from Abu Dhabi?

...........

People from Dubai do not like the Flintstones....

Whereas the people from Abu Dhabi Doooo!!!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What's the difference between a whore and a Cadburys Creme Egg?

You can lick a Creme Egg out for 70p

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By *mmy LouiseTV/TS over a year ago

Gainsborough

I failed my GCSE Religious Education exam….i mean Jason Christ who fails a Religious Education exam !

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

What's the difference between a Buffalo and a Bison?

You can't wash your face in a Buffalo,but you can in a........

😝

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By *aughtydealcoupleCouple over a year ago

Walmer, Deal

"What's the difference between a Hedgehog and a BMW driver?

A Hedgehog has the pricks on the outside.😄😄😄"

That's a really funny one

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Two nuns get a day off from the convent and decide to go to the local pub.

A darts match is on,so they move a bit closer as they had never seen a darts match before.

The first dart hits the treble 20. Moving a bit closer,the presence of the nuns makes the darts player a bit nervous,and his second dart hits a single 20.

Moving even closer,their nearness puts the dart player off and the dart hits the wire,bounces back and hits one of the nuns in-between the eyes.She drops,stone cold,to the floor.

And someone from the back of the crowd shouts,"One nun dead and eighty". 🤣🤣🤣

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By *ucka39Man over a year ago

Newcastle

A man returns from seeing the doctor with a prognosis that he has 24 hours to live and whilst in bed tells his wife and asks is it ok if we have sex the wife replies yes

Few hours pass and the man says to his wife look I have 18 hours left to live do you mind if we have sex the wife replies sure

Few hours pass again the man tossing and turning wakes up the wife and says look I have 8 hours left to live do you mind if we have sex the wife replies sure

Again the man asks his wife can we have sex one last time at this time the man has only 4 hours left to live the wife replies listen yeah I have to get up in the morning and you don't

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"A man returns from seeing the doctor with a prognosis that he has 24 hours to live and whilst in bed tells his wife and asks is it ok if we have sex the wife replies yes

Few hours pass and the man says to his wife look I have 18 hours left to live do you mind if we have sex the wife replies sure

Few hours pass again the man tossing and turning wakes up the wife and says look I have 8 hours left to live do you mind if we have sex the wife replies sure

Again the man asks his wife can we have sex one last time at this time the man has only 4 hours left to live the wife replies listen yeah I have to get up in the morning and you don't "

🤣🤣🤣🤣

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Man picks a woman up in a bar and takes her home. Just before they get down to some fun, the man asks the woman,"How do you like your eggs in the morning? "Fertilised or unfertilised! 😝😝😝

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By *adagastMan over a year ago

Rotherham

I'm addicted to speed bumps, but I'm slowly getting over them.

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By *adagastMan over a year ago

Rotherham

Viagra won't make you James Bond, but it can make you Roger Moore!

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By *BWLOVER1965Man over a year ago

Ipswich

Have to say it

Man Utd

Sorry

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Bloke went to hospital with a load of toy horses stuck up his arse.

Doctors say his condition is stable.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Have to say it

Man Utd

Sorry

Have to say it..Ipswich.

Sorry. Lol

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do you call an Afghan who has been to Ibiza?

Allsummer Bin largin’it

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

What's the difference between a carpet,an egg and a wank?

You can beat a carpet, you can beat an egg, but you can't....

😄😄

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By *cnugatugMan over a year ago

Chatham

What do you call a Scottish cloakroom attendant? Angus me coatluv

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

A white horse walks up to the barman and says" can I have a pint of bitter please".

"Hey", says the barman "we've got a whiskey named after you".

And the horse says,"what,Eric?"

😆😆

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By *nkymikeyMan over a year ago

Andover

Michael Halbye, boss of Lego, has died in a skiing accident in Switzerland. As the accident occurred, reports say he shit a brick.

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By *ilbzMan over a year ago

Swindon Wiltshire

Three women get into the office building lift. As the lift is going up one notices a stain on the lift wall. She points the stain out to the other two.

The first lady goes and takes a closer look and says ‘it looks like spunk’.

The second lady gets on her knees and sniffs its, she says ‘it smells like spunk’

The third lady gets on her knees and licks the stain. She pauses for a second and then says ‘well it’s no one from this office’.

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By *hisIsMe58Man over a year ago

Winchester

What's the difference between a whore and a drug dealer?

A whore can wash her crack and sell it again, a dealer can't.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"What’s pink and covered in cobwebs

Madeleine McCanns bike "

Not in anyway funny

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By *ucka39Man over a year ago

Newcastle

Two boy's sitting outside a building believe to be a brothel notice a man coming out and as he's passing the boys one of the boys says hey Mr we know what you've been doing

Quickly the man reaches in his pocket and pulls out his wallet and hands over £50 to the boy and comments we'll hear nothing more about this ok

The following day the boys are walking past the houses in the street and noticed the same man and one of the boys shouts we know where you live again quickly the man reaches in his pocket and hands over £100 and comments we'll hear nothing more about it

The boys return to their own home and the mother asks how has your day been

One boy replies well one day we caught a man coming out from a brothel and he gave us £50 then the following day we saw him coming out of his house and he gave us £100

The mother cried boys this isn't the correct way of your actions I suggest that you go to church and make your confessions to priest

The boys turn up at church and later that day the mother asks well boys did you make your confessions to the priest

Sure says one of the boys and he gave us £150 because now we know where he works

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By *niquehorn 69Man over a year ago

stamford

I fucked my mums sister once

Proper aunty climax!

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Here about the bus driver swinger?

Kept shouting "plenty of room on top"!

(Groans).🤐

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By *rdimpsMan over a year ago

Hull

Whats the difference between a Penis and a chicken leg?

Don't know?

Would you like to come on a picnic?

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By *ark.aitkenMan over a year ago

Newcastle

What's pink, 8" long and hasnt been sucked in 12 years?

Wait for it......

Whitney Houstons crack pipe

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By *as7643Man over a year ago

staffs

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked

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By *ucka39Man over a year ago

Newcastle

An intruder enters a home and inside finds a man and woman which he ends up tying up and searching the property for valuables.

Once done places all the valuables in his bag and makes his way to check on the man and woman, the man says to the intruder please can you just untie the woman I'll do anything that you want

The intruder replies sorry I'm unable to do this because what if you decide to call the police where would that leave me

The man replies that he promises that it wouldn't be the case and begs the intruder to untie the woman

The intruder replies to the guy that he must seriously love his wife too plead so much

The man replied that the woman wasn't his wife and that his wife was due home any moment

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Guy walks up to a market stall selling briefcases.

He picks one up to examine it and says to the stall owner," what's it made of,it's very unusual",

"It's a magical one,made from an elephants foreskin"

"What's so magical about that",says the man.

"Well" says the stall owner,"when you rub it,it turns into a suitcase"!

😝😝😝😝

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By *ucka39Man over a year ago

Newcastle

Frank and John are walking down the street when they notice a dog in the middle of the footpath licking his balls

Frank says to John, I wish I could do that

John replies maybe you should pat it first 🙈

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By *iltsTSgirlTV/TS over a year ago

Coventry

What do you call J K Rowling in space ?

Astro-terf

Is it too soon to poke fun yet

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By *ucka39Man over a year ago

Newcastle

A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.

"And you, Susie? " the teacher asks.

Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."

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By *itty9899Man over a year ago

Bed waiting

"I was blessed with a 9-inch penis."

"That priest is in jail now."

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By *itty9899Man over a year ago

Bed waiting

What’s worse than two girls running with scissors?

Two girls scissoring with the runs.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Guy has a nasty accident with a chainsaw and cuts off both his testicles.

He's rushed to hospital and the surgeon looks at the mess and says that there's no way he can sew the testicles back in.

He tells the nurse to go down to the morgue and see if there is any dead male bodies in,but the nurse only sees dead females.

On the way back to the operating theatre she passes the staff kitchen and sees a jar of pickled onions on the counter.

Grabbing it,she heads back to the surgeon and he says,well at least he'll have something in there for the shape at least.

Three months later,the man goes back to the hospital for his check up.

How's your sex life says the surgeon?

Brilliant says the man,in fact,the wife is pregnant.

Great says the surgeon,any side effects?

Only one says the man,every time I see a lump of cheese,I get a hard-on!

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Three old ladies sitting on a park bench when a flasher jumps out in front of them.

Two of them had a stroke, the other couldn’t reach.

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By *ilbzMan over a year ago

Swindon Wiltshire

Just put all my dogging gear up for sale on ebay. Not had any bids but got 15 watchers….

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By *onnachakeaneMan over a year ago

Dundrum

Bloke goes to his mate “Jesus me arse is in a jangle after that curry last night”

Mate goes “Ring sting?”

Guy “What the fuck would he know what to do?”

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

As i get older i realized i only really need 3 shops.

Specsavers Boots and Greggs.

Essentially my life is just Specs, Drugs and Sausage rolls

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

A tractor salesman arrives at a farm and finding no one about,decides to go for a wander about.

He comes to the pig sty and looking in,sees a pig with three legs.

He's a bit perplexed but just then the farmer arrives and they start talking.

Ten minutes go by and he's just got to ask about the pig he saw.

That pig saved my life twice,says the farmer.One day,I was ploughing in the bottom field and the tractor flipped over and I got trapped under it.

That pig,he says,heard me cry out,jumped over the sty wall,raced down to where I was,grabbed my collar in its snout and pulled me clear.

Clever pig says the salesman...that's not all,says the farmer,one night there was a fire in our kitchen,when the wife and I were fast asleep in bed.

That pig,he says,smelt the smoke,jumped over the sty wall again, barged down the door,ran upstairs,grabbed me by my pyjama collar,pulled me to safety. Then went back and saved the wife as well.

That's brilliant says the salesman,but WHY,has it got only three legs?

Well,says the farmer,a pig as good as that,you don't eat him all at once,do you?

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

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By *ornucopiaMan over a year ago

Bexley

"What’s pink and covered in cobwebs

Madeleine McCanns bike

Not in anyway funny"

Sexist, as well.

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By *ecky and justCouple over a year ago

Godalming

What’s the difference between two dicks and a joke?

I can’t take a joke

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By *ecky and justCouple over a year ago

Godalming

"What’s the difference between two dicks and a joke?

I can’t take a joke "

That was Becky.. 😂

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Definition of a sad bastard????

Someone having to sit with his wife and watch the Eurovision Song Contest.

🤮🤮🤮🤮

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By *nimaginativeUsernameMan over a year ago

Rochester, Kent

Why do frogmen roll backwards off the boat?

Because if they rolled forwards, they’d still be in the boat.

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By *adtaffladMan over a year ago

Rhyl

"Did you know that Jesus drove a Honda?

As he was being taken to the crucification he stated that he wasn't going, of his own accord.

And mosses road a motorbike. The roar of mossess triumph echoed through the hill side

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By *dalisqueWoman over a year ago

land of make believe

"What’s pink and covered in cobwebs

Madeleine McCanns bike "

Blocked!

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By *echnosonic_BrummieMan over a year ago

Willenhall

Sadly, the inventors of the brochure have died.

Rest in peace Pam Flett and her husband, Lee.

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By *ORDERMANMan over a year ago

wrexham(south)

Bilbao police have issued a statement tonight..

They're concerned spurs fans may be bringing flares with them for tomorrows final with man utd..

Well it's what they all wore last time they played a European final

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By *itty9899Man over a year ago

Bed waiting

"What’s the difference between two dicks and a joke?

I can’t take a joke

That was Becky.. 😂"

Different Abbey.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"The man who invented throat lozenges died last week …..

There was no coffin at his funeral "
..

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

The man who invented the photocopier died today...who gives a sh#t!

🤣🤣🤣

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By *ippyXXXMan over a year ago

Tamworth

I walked into a bar the other day dressed as tennis ball..I got served straight away..

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Little Johnny was in bible study one morning. Sally was sleeping in front of johnny. The teacher asked Sally who our Lord and savior was. Little Johnny poked her in the butt with a pin and she screamed "Jesus Christ!" And fell back to sleep. A little while later the teacher asked Sally who created our world. Johnny poked her in the butt again and Sally screamed "oh my god!" And fell back to sleep. Later the teacher asked Sally what Eve said to Adam after they had their fifth child. Johnny poked her in the butt and Sally screamed "if you stick that thing in me one more time I'm gonna break it!" The teacher fainted.

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By *linyMan over a year ago

Manchester/London

I bought some condoms from the chemist the other day. They asked if wanted a bag for them, I said “No, I’ll just turn the light off!”

Taken from Vanilla to vixen podcast!

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By *akes coupleCouple over a year ago

ambleside

What’s the difference between a fridge and a fanny?

A fridge doesn’t fart when you take your meat out.

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By *partharmonyCouple over a year ago

Tonbridge

Two lions walking down the high street. One of them says to the other "It's a bit quiet for a Saturday, isn't it?"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scot, and welshman, a chinaman, a jap, a spaniard, a Frenchman, a German, an Italian, a phillipino, a Russian, a Jamaican, a Latvian, a yank, a belgian, a Brazilian, a colombian and a arab walk into a bar.

The doorman turns to them all and says " I can't let you in without a thai"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do you get if you cross a south American rodent with a sex toy

An armadildo

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