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Getting the wife back into sex
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Affection and giving to her, finding out what she needs and giving as much as possible.
Communication. Take the focus away from sex as that would probably add more pressure and may be the last thing that's healthy for her. What can you do to support her chores, in the home, with family, etc? Be loving and giving and expect nothing |
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"Together for 34 years sexless for a good 8years any ideas to spice our sex life up all ideas welcome "
After 19yrs of marriage me & hubby talked about what we both wanted. Some of the conversations were hard, emotional & very difficult but we talked & didn't judge and eventually we got better. We're 24yrs in & our sex life is amazing, our homelife is amazing, we've never been this good.
So my advice would be to talk to your wife 😍 |
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"Together for 34 years sexless for a good 8years any ideas to spice our sex life up all ideas welcome "
I have been in a similar position mate. Come say hi if you want to chat. I can tell you what I done to get her back in the swing of things
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You may have to accept that sometimes people’s sexual desires just don’t match. Consider medical reasons, tiredness, age, menopause or plain she’s just seen it all and done it all and now has different priorities. Maybe she’s seeing someone else or really feels like you’ve given up on the loving part therefore she’s not into sex?
There’s only one key… communication.
Women aren’t visual like guys are, it’s just not mechanical for plenty of them. If that all fails it’s dead in my experience. A brave post and judging by answers hit a few nerves.
Good luck |
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By *hortieWoman 7 weeks ago
Northampton |
"I am not a very good talker how do you start a conversation like that"
Bottle of wine. Or whatever she drinks.
Pack of tissues.
Turn phones off for at least an hour.
Sit down together.
Take a deep fucking breath, and come out with it.
Every fucking 24 hours you don't deal with this shit, is 24 hours you are both closer to the Grave.
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By (user no longer on site) 7 weeks ago
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"Together for 34 years sexless for a good 8years any ideas to spice our sex life up all ideas welcome "
In my experience of relationships, when the sex stops it's indicative of another problem.
Find out what that is and attempt to fix it. |
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You asked so.
Start by looking at yourself first.
What can you do to make her want to have sex with you again?
Maybe join a gym start showing her you care so much about what she thinks you are willing to do anything to make the relationship work if that means self betterment so be it.
But new clothes,new haircut aftershave.
Be attentive,give her foot rubs and expect nothing in return.
Be attentive.
Listen to her talking about her working day.
Take her away for a weekend.
Be attentive.
Listen to her choice of music,watch her choice of films Ask if she'd like to go to a show or something.
Ask her to choose your clothes and wear stuff she likes.
Be attentive.
Shut down this profile, forget swinging and meaningless hook ups.
Then if non of this works just love her and be thankful you have someone to share your life with, sex isn't everything it's important yes, but love is more important.
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"Together for 34 years sexless for a good 8years any ideas to spice our sex life up all ideas welcome "
How about reintroducing "courting", "foreplay" "intimacy". - bring back date night, Cook for her buy flowers and send her love notes.... your wife may not be any more invested in sex, but will fall in love with you all over again |
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"Together for 34 years sexless for a good 8years any ideas to spice our sex life up all ideas welcome
In my experience of relationships, when the sex stops it's indicative of another problem.
Find out what that is and attempt to fix it."
This 💯
Having been in 2 sexless marriages OP, it’s a hard thing to talk about as there is normally an underlying issue. |
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By (user no longer on site) 7 weeks ago
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"I am not a very good talker how do you start a conversation like that"
You don't need to be a great talker, you just need to initiate the conversation and then listen.
I'd be cautious about your primary motivation for the conversation though - saying it's because you aren't getting any will probably not bode well for you. |
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By *vaRoseWoman 7 weeks ago
Ankh-Morpork |
Talk talk and talk
If issues are pointed out, then do the work (or don’t). Be upfront about your wants and needs too. Intimacy is far more than just sex
If you can’t find a compromise you have 3 choices. Carry on as you are, and things or cheat.
However it will take far more than one conversation to begin to fix things and this has to be wanted by you both |
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I would suggest opening a dialogue, if you can’t do it face to face then by message to start.
Explain, gently that you’re missing your old sex life and you were wondering if there is anything you could do to help her feel how she used to.
She may well be feeling the same way as you.
But wouldn’t put emphasis on just sex, I’d maybe mention missing the closeness you used to share (if that’s how you feel) not just in bed but in general.
For me personally, I wouldn’t be interested in sex with Sean if our relationship as a whole wasn’t good.
Sex is great but for a lot of women it doesn’t start in the bedroom it starts at the start of the day and throughout, the way we’re treated and valued plays a huge part in how attractive and wanted we feel.
Donna x
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"You asked so.
Start by looking at yourself first.
What can you do to make her want to have sex with you again?
Maybe join a gym start showing her you care so much about what she thinks you are willing to do anything to make the relationship work if that means self betterment so be it.
But new clothes,new haircut aftershave.
Be attentive,give her foot rubs and expect nothing in return.
Be attentive.
Listen to her talking about her working day.
Take her away for a weekend.
Be attentive.
Listen to her choice of music,watch her choice of films Ask if she'd like to go to a show or something.
Ask her to choose your clothes and wear stuff she likes.
Be attentive.
Shut down this profile, forget swinging and meaningless hook ups.
Then if non of this works just love her and be thankful you have someone to share your life with, sex isn't everything it's important yes, but love is more important.
"
Oh and maybe ( I don't need to sound patronising) learn about the menopause understand why, how and what happens to a lady when she's going through the change,but do it in a supportive and compassionate place not just to help you get your leg over. |
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"You asked so.
Start by looking at yourself first.
What can you do to make her want to have sex with you again?
Maybe join a gym start showing her you care so much about what she thinks you are willing to do anything to make the relationship work if that means self betterment so be it.
But new clothes,new haircut aftershave.
Be attentive,give her foot rubs and expect nothing in return.
Be attentive.
Listen to her talking about her working day.
Take her away for a weekend.
Be attentive.
Listen to her choice of music,watch her choice of films Ask if she'd like to go to a show or something.
Ask her to choose your clothes and wear stuff she likes.
Be attentive.
Shut down this profile, forget swinging and meaningless hook ups.
Then if non of this works just love her and be thankful you have someone to share your life with, sex isn't everything it's important yes, but love is more important.
Oh and maybe ( I don't mean to sound patronising) learn about the menopause understand why, how and what happens to a lady when she's going through the change,but do it in a supportive and compassionate place not just to help you get your leg over."
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Whilst talking openly to her might be hard, if she gets suspicious and catches you here, it'll get much harder.
None of us know your wife or why your sex life has dried up, Is there a medical reason ie menopause or has she just lost interest.
Either way you've had some really good advice on here and the only person that can tell you what to do to fix it, is your wife.
Be brave, tell her your missing the intimacy in your marriage and go from there. |
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"Together for 34 years sexless for a good 8years any ideas to spice our sex life up all ideas welcome
After 19yrs of marriage me & hubby talked about what we both wanted. Some of the conversations were hard, emotional & very difficult but we talked & didn't judge and eventually we got better. We're 24yrs in & our sex life is amazing, our homelife is amazing, we've never been this good.
So my advice would be to talk to your wife 😍 "
♥️ |
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Any further forward with this? Sometimes the subject of another person being involved is the hardest, can it be that she still does want sex but with another person.. difficult subjects but sometimes it’s about biting the bullet.. why prolong the subject? |
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"As I said i am no good at talking to her"
Emotional intimacy often leads to physical intimacy.
You might find that your wife craves emotional closeness as much as you crave physical closeness.
As Billy Connolly once said
'women need to feel loved to want sex.
Men need sex to feel loved'
I know a lot of men shy away from talking to their wives. If only they knew the difference it would make to their relationship in many cases
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If talking is hard, then both try writing down, in separate rooms, your own needs and desires.
.
List one : Fundamental needs. Things you must have to feel physically and emotionally complete. Things you ache for.
.
List two : Desires. Thing you would like to have. Nice to haves. You don't mind not always getting them, but they are good when you do.
.
Do a list each. In private. Then exchange lists and read each others in private. Then arrange a quiet time to talk about each others lists.
.
And how you talk is key. It must be non-judgemental, non-threatening, non-accusationary. Avoid conflict and judgement. This is not a judging exercise, nor a List of Demands. It's a learning one.
.
"Needs" might sound like "Demands" but they are not. They are simply Needs, and we should never be fearful to tell others our Needs. Or indeed our Desires.
.
Be mindful of tone and vocal intensity as well. Calm, measured, collected.
.
If the other person raises their voice, then you know this is an emotional trigger. Don't dwell too deeply on that thing in the heat of the discussion. Descalate and move on.
.
And be prepared to say "thank you" and "I'm sorry" where it is warranted to do so.
.
And start by thanking them for doing the list. It doesn't matter if they do 3 and you do 10. Don't comment on the difference in list length.
.
And ask them if they are in the right frame of mind to discuss the lists. Ideally not just after having made them. |
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By *enelope2UWoman 6 weeks ago
Doesn't matter cant block distances |
"We have but nothing changes our home life is perfect "
Perfect according to you but it's sexless because it's not perfect.
The dismissive responses says a lot about the situation too. |
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It's always interesting to read the responses to pleas such as this one.
The plea and the replies always put me in mind of Frankenstein's Monster.
When nature has run it's course or a human being is no longer aroused by the same mundane sex they have had for years and they are just virtually fucking knackered after raising kids, looking after house and husband and had a job WHY oh WHY is it thought that creaming their bits, taking tablets or being injected or getting therapeutic help is necessary ...... leave them be. Just leave them.
Sometimes I feel if a cow was dying in the road a bloke would try to mount it or milk it cos HE has some 'needs'. |
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"If talking is hard, then both try writing down, in separate rooms, your own needs and desires.
.
List one : Fundamental needs. Things you must have to feel physically and emotionally complete. Things you ache for.
.
List two : Desires. Thing you would like to have. Nice to haves. You don't mind not always getting them, but they are good when you do.
.
Do a list each. In private. Then exchange lists and read each others in private. Then arrange a quiet time to talk about each others lists.
.
And how you talk is key. It must be non-judgemental, non-threatening, non-accusationary. Avoid conflict and judgement. This is not a judging exercise, nor a List of Demands. It's a learning one.
.
"Needs" might sound like "Demands" but they are not. They are simply Needs, and we should never be fearful to tell others our Needs. Or indeed our Desires.
.
Be mindful of tone and vocal intensity as well. Calm, measured, collected.
.
If the other person raises their voice, then you know this is an emotional trigger. Don't dwell too deeply on that thing in the heat of the discussion. Descalate and move on.
.
And be prepared to say "thank you" and "I'm sorry" where it is warranted to do so.
.
And start by thanking them for doing the list. It doesn't matter if they do 3 and you do 10. Don't comment on the difference in list length.
.
And ask them if they are in the right frame of mind to discuss the lists. Ideally not just after having made them."
I love this, it's great to see an actual helpful and considerate answer
Mrs |
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By *ripfillMan 6 weeks ago
Paris, New York, Hong Kong and Havant |
Please may I suggest a very useful book
“Come as you are “ by Emily Nagoski PhD
ISBN 978-1-4767-6209-8
This booked helped me so much to understand from a male perspective why so many issues occur in relationships what the core problems might be plus some excellent suggestions on making a partner feel even more special
It’s also available as an e book too …
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Start with talking to each other about the situation and see if you both agree that you’d like it to change. Assuming you do, discuss ways that you both find agreeable.
Perhaps start dating? Start with an agreement that penetration is not expected. Perhaps just satisfy her with no regard for yourself the first couple of times. The key is to put effort in
But it doesn’t really matter what we think, it only matters what she thinks. |
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I definitely never went to bed thinking about having sex when I was married. Bed meant sleep and my only break in the day. There is so much more to how a person feels than we realise.
The menopause is also a reason why some women can have no interest. Hrt has been a god send.
If you really love your wife, sit down and have an honest conversation.
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"Talk, or end it.
You ever thought, she wants it as much as you.. but not with you?? "
Exactly this! One of my play partners once said “Have sex with your own partner? Where’s the fun in that?” True story  |
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"We have but nothing changes our home life is perfect Let's not kid yourself if everything was perfect like you have said you wouldn't be asking strangers for advice about your sex life. "
☝️☝️ this 100% |
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