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Too much, too little, just right
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What is the Goldilocks zone for you in terms of time spent / number of messages exchanged before you meet someone who interests you off here?
Assume this is someone you've never seen before in another setting like a group social, so you're only going by virtual interactions.
This is something I had been wondering - my hypothesis is there's a sweet spot for everyone although knowing what it is can be difficult. I'm trying to figure out if there's some underlying pattern that applies to most people.
If there's a lot of back and forth, do you gradually lose interest or think they're wasting your time?
Conversely, if someone asks to meet too soon after you've started talking, does that put you off? |
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My diary isn’t easy and changes at short notice so I’ve had situations where I’ve been chatting with someone for weeks before we were able to actually meet. With a previous fwb, it was 2 months before we actually met, and we were together for 2 years so it didn’t put either of us off.
I’ve also had it where I met someone the next day, just because it felt right and our diaries matched up. |
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Meeting too soon doesn't put me off. I like to exchange some messages to see is there a connection but if it goes on too long and it's clear they are all talk with no intention of meeting I'll loose interest. After a social meet I know whether I want to take it further and then I don't want to wait too long... |
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"Would depend on the person, location and availability also..."
Indeed, I guess the person part is most important - so you can trust them on location and availability.
It does take more effort to keep up the greater the time, so I salute people who're able to do that successfully a lot. |
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I need to feel a vibe in the messaging, and that tends to either come early on or doesn't happen at all. But once the vibe is there I like to meet socially as soon as we can make it happen to test the in person chemistry. So really it just comes down to the logistics of both parties having availability. |
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I don't meet without a social so anyone pushing for anything other than that will put me off.
I haven't been meeting in 5 years by choice but when I was it was important to get to know the person through messaging first.
That was usually anywhere between a few weeks to a few months and was really dependant on the individual and time restrictions as to whether or not we would meet.
I've met a lot of people knowing beforehand that we weren't sexually compatible but they seemed like good people so meeting for coffee was a good way of spending a relaxed hour or two without any pressure.
I've never had any expectations when meeting socially but in some cases the other person did and that didn't always end well. |
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I dont have a Goldilock zone.. for some i have met after several weeks/ couple months messaging and others i have met after 3 messages...
longest is a couple of years... depends on the person i am speaking to  xx |
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I wouldn’t overthink it if I were you just go with what feels right for you both.
For me, I’m happy for occasional chat for a few months (not daily or weekly) and then when I feel we are both ready and still both interested I’ll try and set a date. |
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"I have no hard and fast rules. I'm mostly an instinctual person. If it feels good , do it. If it doesn't feel right leave it alone.
"
You mean intuition not instinct don’t you , unless you subconsciously plan to eat them ? |
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"What is the Goldilocks zone for you in terms of time spent / number of messages exchanged before you meet someone who interests you off here?
Assume this is someone you've never seen before in another setting like a group social, so you're only going by virtual interactions.
This is something I had been wondering - my hypothesis is there's a sweet spot for everyone although knowing what it is can be difficult. I'm trying to figure out if there's some underlying pattern that applies to most people.
If there's a lot of back and forth, do you gradually lose interest or think they're wasting your time?
Conversely, if someone asks to meet too soon after you've started talking, does that put you off?"
We go from one message saying we are interested to setting a time and place to meet for a social drink and chat.
If this social can't be arranged within a few weeks, we ask them to contact us again when they are free and forget about them.
We have found through experience people who won't commit to a social are very unlikely to meet up for anything else.
Then take into account the massive number of timewasters it's easier just to move on.
Again, we can only speak from our experience and find the more messages or emails, the less likelihood of a meet.
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By *bi HaiveMan 4 weeks ago
Forum Mod Cheeseville, Somerset |
"What is the Goldilocks zone for you in terms of time spent / number of messages exchanged before you meet someone who interests you off here?
Assume this is someone you've never seen before in another setting like a group social, so you're only going by virtual interactions.
This is something I had been wondering - my hypothesis is there's a sweet spot for everyone although knowing what it is can be difficult. I'm trying to figure out if there's some underlying pattern that applies to most people.
If there's a lot of back and forth, do you gradually lose interest or think they're wasting your time?
Conversely, if someone asks to meet too soon after you've started talking, does that put you off?
We go from one message saying we are interested to setting a time and place to meet for a social drink and chat.
If this social can't be arranged within a few weeks, we ask them to contact us again when they are free and forget about them.
We have found through experience people who won't commit to a social are very unlikely to meet up for anything else.
Then take into account the massive number of timewasters it's easier just to move on.
Again, we can only speak from our experience and find the more messages or emails, the less likelihood of a meet.
"
This is the way we approach it on our couples profile.
We like a few back and forth messages initially. It helps identify those who really want to know a bit about you and the that just want to get their rocks off with anyone they can find. We did have a recent message exchange which was going great until he dropped into conversation several messages in that he was actually married and she didn't know he was on Fab. Killed things dead for us, but would have been a worse outcome if he'd left it to tell us at a social meet, or worse, after we'd actually all got naked.
We're never in a rush to arrange anything on here. We go to enough clubs to enable semi-spontaneous fun with others, but even then we'll chat at the bar or in the vape area first.
Instant requests to meet go straight in the bin, no matter who they're from. |
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"I don’t have one. I can busy, they can be busy, distance can be a huge factor. Like Littlebird, I tend to make friends, just so happens that I occasionally have sex with some of them 😍"
^^ sex person ♥️ |
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There's no definitive answer to that for me.
I've chatted to people for months before meeting, some I've met quicker. It all depends on both people's availability and how comfortable I feel with them.
When I am meeting, I'm always honest with others. I say, i'm not a profific meeter, I am in a ltr and work shifts, so I meet when I feel comfortable and when I'm able to.
If it puts others off, so be it I'm here to meet people who want to meet me, rather than just meeting anyone who will.
It definitely puts me off if people ask to meet fast, especially in a 1st message.
They usually don't send any face pic and have no idea what I look like either.
There's no wrong way to do meets, it's whatever works for that person. It's when you start telling others when and who to meet, that there's an issue.
I meet when it feels right for me. |
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By *eliWoman 4 weeks ago
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"^^ sex person ♥️"
Sex people! 
There's not a particular sweet spot for me - I've met someone after a few weeks of talking... actually no. Generally it's taken a few months. And then some. A year plus is quite common. One of the best people I've met from here it took eight years (gaps away) to finally meet.
I tend to develops friendships, that's how attraction forms for me. If there's not really a friendship my vagina isn't in it. And then after a bit of time I realise I fancy them, it's reciprocated etc etc. |
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As I am single male and age 71. I do get some replies. Plus more chat. I will chat for few weeks . Then suggest social. My observation at the moment .
Profile say yes. Try sort out a date . Yes very difficult if say couple who both work have children . Females can be the same .
But do notice for me . I am if can say option say three or four . So no commitment to actual date for social. |
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In my experience, everyones different and it varies massively from one person to the next.
Yeah, it can get to a point where it feels like the messages are achieving little and interest can fade when things become repetitive. It depends on the person, how you click, how interested you are and the potential that yr imagination is feeding to you of what could lie ahead. So no, for me, there's no rules, patterns or limits. Long awaited replies if yr chatting has found a natural rhythm thats suddenly lost and there doesn't seem to a reason for, can put me off more than someone needing to chat and message a lot.
Let's be honest, some women choose the bear, there's a lot of bellends out there and if that means that I have to reassure someone a lot and try to develop a level of trust and honesty for them to be able to het past their worries, so be it. Hopefully it's worth it when we're playing and exploring together. And it's also quite an ask the first time you tie them up and tease them, fuck and use them in ways they've only dreamed about. So yeah, I'm not just here for a fuck and I expect a lot of questions and welcome them as they're also an insight, clues as to how she ticks, her fears and desires. So the more questions the better for me.
Which is why I always send a seriously thought out first message. Stake yr intentions from the start, be honest and open and hope that she even reads it 🤣🤣🤣 |
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