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Post your dad jokes
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I was walking past my fridge last night and thought I heard two onions singing a Bee Gees song.
But when I opened the door, it was just chives talking. |
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I know it's a long shot, but do any of you know what a trebuchet is? |
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By (user no longer on site) 50 weeks ago
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"I know it's a long shot, but do any of you know what a trebuchet is?"
no what's a trebuchet ? |
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By *ooLou89Woman 50 weeks ago
Nottinghamshire |
I bet my wife I could make a car out of spaghetti… should’ve seen her face as I drove pasta |
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[Removed by poster at 25/06/25 17:54:08] |
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Why did the Avon lady walk funny? |
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"Why did the Avon lady walk funny?"
I don't know, why did the Avon lady walk funny? |
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By *agic.MMan 50 weeks ago
Kent/London |
I woke up this morning and my wife was gone...went down to the kitchen and all I found was this note with her handwriting on the fridge, saying "this isn't working anymore "...opened the fridge and it was working fine ... 👀 |
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"Why did the Avon lady walk funny?
I don't know, why did the Avon lady walk funny? "
Because of her lipstick  |
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how do you make a nun pregnant ???
FUCK HER |
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By (user no longer on site) 50 weeks ago
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I have 2 dogs called Calvin and Klein …. They’re both boxers. |
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Mickey Mouse goes to his lawyer to divorce Minnie Mouse. The lawyer says, "You can't divorce Minnie Mouse just because you say she's crazy!"
Mickey says, "I didn't say she was crazy. I said she was fucking Goofy!" |
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By *ony 2016Man 50 weeks ago
lincs /Hudd & Derby cinema |
Friend of mine had to pack his job in as a RAC patrolman , when I asked "why?" He said it was because of all the anxiety,stress and worry , apparently every time he got a call out he felt like he was on his way to another breakdown |
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I had a date with a woman who works at the Zoo.
She's a keeper. |
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By (user no longer on site) 50 weeks ago
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2 guys walk into a bar the third 1 ducks |
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By (user no longer on site) 50 weeks ago
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I always wondered what my parents did to fight the boredom before the internet….
I asked my 18 siblings but they didn’t know either. |
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What do you do when you see a space man?
You park man |
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By (user no longer on site) 50 weeks ago
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“Dad why did you and Mum name my Sister Teresa?”.
Well son your Mum loves Easter time so Teresa is an anagram of Easter .
Oh right thanks Dad .
No problem Alan  |
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Elvis Presley was once interviewed about UK supermarkets. They talked about Waitrose, Co-op, Sainsbury’s, Morrisons, Tesco, Asda
and Aldi.
It was a Lidl-less conversation. |
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By *vaRoseWoman 50 weeks ago
Ankh-Morpork |
"I know it's a long shot, but do any of you know what a trebuchet is?"
🤣 |
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A man takes his family to the zoo and is extremely disappointed to find it has only one animal, a dog
It's a Shih Tzu. |
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By (user no longer on site) 50 weeks ago
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I was invited to the Premature Ejaculation Society’s Dinner
I asked what the dress code was and told to just come in my pants |
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I used to enjoy Tap dancing, until I fell in the sink  |
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I saw an office worked sitting in a tree. He told me he was a branch manager. |
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By (user no longer on site) 50 weeks ago
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What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two |
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"“Dad why did you and Mum name my Sister Teresa?”.
Well son your Mum loves Easter time so Teresa is an anagram of Easter .
Oh right thanks Dad .
No problem Alan "
Shows my level of humour because this is the best so far for me 😁 |
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Met a woman called Carmen once, I said "Nice Name" and she told me it typifies what shes likes in life, cars and men.
She then asked what my name was.....
So I replied "Lagerfanny"  |
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What do you call a magical dog?
A Labracadabrador...
Boom boom...  |
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I asked a German lady for her phone number, the first digit was "nein" I'm still waiting for the rest... |
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By (user no longer on site) 50 weeks ago
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Which bees make milk.................................. ...boobies |
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By (user no longer on site) 50 weeks ago
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"“Dad why did you and Mum name my Sister Teresa?”.
Well son your Mum loves Easter time so Teresa is an anagram of Easter .
Oh right thanks Dad .
No problem Alan
Shows my level of humour because this is the best so far for me 😁"
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A British Gas repairman asked me the time. I said it’s between 8am and 5pm. |
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By *ub_boiMan 50 weeks ago
manchester |
A frog had his DNA tested.
Turns out he’s part Irish, part French and just a tad Pole. |
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It's so hot right now, I wonder if chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs. |
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By (user no longer on site) 50 weeks ago
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My partner found out i was cheating on him when he found all the letters....
He is now mad and said he will never play scrabble with me ever again |
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What's the difference between an elephant and a post box?
Dunno?
Well I'm not sending you to post my letters! |
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Why don’t skeletons fight each other?
- Because they don’t have the guts. |
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If anyone knows how to correct cosmetic surgery that’s gone wrong, I’m all ears... |
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Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday… those were the days |
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By *afkaMan 48 weeks ago
Nottingham |
"I was walking past my fridge last night and thought I heard two onions singing a Bee Gees song.
But when I opened the door, it was just chives talking."
🤣 |
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how do you make a(add race of yr choice) woman pregnant
cum on her shoes and let the flies do the rest |
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2 flies on a fanny , which one is on drugs
the one sniffing up the crack |
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"I had a date with a woman who works at the Zoo.
She's a keeper. "
the first one that made me laugh |
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Hey kid, did you know I can jump higher than a house,
Whoa - really, dad?
Well, yeah - houses can't jump!
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A joke, is not a Dad joke, until it is fully groan..... |
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What's a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery guy got in common?
They both know if they scrape the box, they can get some tasty cheesy bits! |
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What do you call a lesbian with braces?
A box cutter! |
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By (user no longer on site) 48 weeks ago
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Whats the difference between a joke and three cocks?
Most women cant take a joke |
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My friend is a shepherd, I asked him how many girlfriends he's had.
He fell asleep counting them...  |
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Did you hear about the bald cat who tried to catch a bus?
The driver wouldn't let him on because he didn't have any fare (fur - geddit?) |
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By (user no longer on site) 48 weeks ago
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Got a call tonight saying "your wife's in casualty " ...
Well I sat and watched 2 full episodes and did I see her ? No |
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Though I enjoy the sport, I could never date a tennis player.
Love means nothing to them. |
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I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down. |
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I heard this one on LOL.
I saw a man get up from behind a gravestone.
"Morning", I said.
"No, I was taking a shit" |
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Got to feel for Greggs staff in this heat wave...they must be baking |
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My friend designed an invisible aeroplane...
I can't see his idea taking off |
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I told my wife she drew her eyebrows on too high.
She looked surprised.
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My wife will go bananas when she finds out I’ve lost her copy of Schubert’s Unfinished Symphony.
I’ll never hear the end of it. |
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I went to a Chinese restaurant the other day and it had all war memorabilia on the wall, some pictures of pilots and stuff.
I sat admiring them and the waiter came over said they were pictures of him.
He said he was a Kamakazi pilot in the war and his code name was Chow Mein
I said Bollax, Kamakazi pilots were supposed to crash planes and die
He said yes
He was Chicken Chow Mein
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My best friend died from heart burn.
Can't believe Gav is gone. |
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By (user no longer on site) 48 weeks ago
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Have you heard about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He lay awake all night wondering if there really was a dog |
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By (user no longer on site) 48 weeks ago
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Why did the call it PMS?
Because mad cow disease was already taken. |
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Got chatting to a woman in a bar last night. She said to me 'come outside and I'll show you a good time.'
So I went outside with her, and she ran 100 metres in 9.98 seconds. |
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By *ty31Man 47 weeks ago
NW London |
A couple from Tommy Cooper:
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A cop arrested two kids yesterday - one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks
He charged one and let the other one off
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Sad day today, my father passed away this morning.
He drowned in a bowl of museli.
A strong currant pulled him in |
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I've got a great job working in a helium factory.
I can't speak highly enough of the place |
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I gave my handyman a to do list, but he only did jobs 1, 3 and 5.
Turns out he only does odd jobs |
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Two elephants fell off a cliff. Boom boom |
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My wife was bitten by a radioactive owl and has started making all my decisions for me.
She's been given power of a tawny. |
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What do you call a couple who have sex in a hammock?
Swingers. |
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My brother bought home a goldfish he won at the fair but the next morning we found him dead in the pond. Now I have to look after the bloody goldfish |
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Did you know diarrhoea is hereditary? Runs in the jeans. |
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By (user no longer on site) 47 weeks ago
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I make a point of saying "mucho" as often as possible when I'm with my Spanish friends as it means alot to them |
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I keep having a recurring dream that I’m a horse.
That’s five nights on the trot now. |
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How do you make a Swiss roll? Push him down a hill |
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To whoever stole my wig... There will be hell toupee! |
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My wife kicked me out the house because I kept incorrectly quoting the Terminator films but don't worry, I'll return |
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Where does a General keep his armies? In his sleevies |
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An old married couple are in church service on sunday. The elderly lady leans over to her husband and whispers “I just let go a really long, silent fart. What should I do?”
The husband looks back at her and says "change the battery on your hearing aid". |
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By (user no longer on site) 47 weeks ago
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I made a chicken salad yesterday…..
Turns out they prefer grains. |
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By (user no longer on site) 47 weeks ago
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I was having a wank the other night, just about to cum when my bedroom door opened and my gran walked in. She had a stroke. I was in shock. I can't believe how soft her hands are |
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I once went to an archaeology party where everyone was looking for the remains of a lower leg. It was quite the shindig. |
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This thread is dangerous 😳
Mrs x |
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A Priest, a Pastor, and a Rabbit walk into a blood donation clinic. The nurse asks the Rabbit "What blood type are you?"
"I think I'm a Type-O", replied the Rabbit. |
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"I once went to an archaeology party where everyone was looking for the remains of a lower leg. It was quite the shindig."
That actually made me chuckle |
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Ok not a 'safe' dad joke but a more filthy joke.
Two gay men are travelling on a plane. Let's call them Steve and Bill.
"Dude, what if we had sex?" asks Steve.
"You crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it..."
"Man, nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!"
Steve stands up and asks loudly:
"Could I have a napkin, please?"
Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc.
"They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Bill.
So Steve and Bill have wild sex on the plane.
Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth.
"Sir, you should've asked for a bag!"
"I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a napkin and he got fucked in the ass…”
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Knock knock,
Who’s there?
The interrupting cow.
The interrupting cow wh…….MOO!
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Why did the Oyster leave the party early ?
Because it pulled a Mussel |
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What do you call a man with no shins?....Tony
What was his brothers name?....Neil |
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By (user no longer on site) 47 weeks ago
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What did the fish say when it swam in2 the wall?
Dam |
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There are two fish in a tank one turns to the other and asks do you know how to drive this |
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By (user no longer on site) 47 weeks ago
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What does a drummer call his twin baby girls?
Anna 1 Anna 2 |
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By (user no longer on site) 47 weeks ago
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Where do you find a cat with no legs???
Where you left it. |
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By (user no longer on site) 47 weeks ago
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How do you make a cat go woof???
Douse it in pertrol. Strike the match.... |
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Far too risky for most of my jokes, would guarantee me being banned |
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My family got upset cause I slept with my 3rd cousin....I don't see the issue cause they didn't care about the 1st 2 |
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Has anyone seen my pet potato? It got out when I left the kitchen door open.
It's small, round, slightly red and has 6 eyes.
It hasn't been chipped. |
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Everyone said " you just have to swim with the dolphins..it's so great"...long story short, this is my second day in the tuna net... |
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A bloke walks into a pub with a frog on his head and the landlord says "That's a funny thing to have!" and the frog says "Yeah I know, it started off as a boil on me arse"
Charles |
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What did the grape say when it got stepped on?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine |
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My dad got fired as a Road worker for theft…….
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Couldn’t believe it
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but when I got home all the signs were there |
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A man was hospitalised with 6 horses inside him.
Doctors say he's now stable. |
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By (user no longer on site) 47 weeks ago
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What did the fish say when it swam in2 the wall ?
Damm |
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"Everyone said " you just have to swim with the dolphins..it's so great"...long story short, this is my second day in the tuna net..."
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By *ay6eeMan 47 weeks ago
South Wales |
I can't post my Dad... the urn won't fit in the postbox! |
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My grandfather couldn't bear to throw anything away.
Which is probably why he died during WWII holding a hand grenade. |
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I actually quite like telling Dad jokes
.... sometimes he even laughs at them |
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You’re only as old as you feel…. Said my dad with his 26 year old new girlfriend  |
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What do you call a bullet proof Irish man ?
Rick oshea |
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By (user no longer on site) 47 weeks ago
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What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff. |
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What is it called when a chameleon can't change it's colours?
A reptile dysfunction. |
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What do you call a magician who’s lost their magic?
Ian. |
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What’s the difference between Bird Flu & Swine Flu?
One requires OINKment. The other requires TWEETment |
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"What do you call a magician who’s lost their magic?
Ian. "
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What do you call a septic cat?
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Pus. |
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By *lymanMan 47 weeks ago
PLYMOUTH |
My wife phoned me to say she saw a fox on the way to work
I said how do you know he was on the way to work
She hung up |
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Pinched this off the net:
An Englishman, Welsh man, and a Pakistani gentleman, walk into the maternity wing reception, of their local hospital.
One by one, they say they've all arrived to collect their newborn sons.
A Doctor was summoned and informed them that there had been a bit of a mix-up, and can't with any certainty say, whose is who's.
Now you or I in this situation would probably return home and inform our legal representative. But this being a joke, the three men agree, to sort it out, between them.
As is the English man's right. (Alphabetically speaking anyway.) He goes in first and emerges quite clearly even to the medically untrained eye. With the Pakistani child. Everyone agrees, and the agrieved Pakistani gentleman, says as much.
The Englisman replied: Sorry, mate. But one of those two in there is Welsh, and I, for one, aren't taking any chances. |
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"Pinched this off the net:
An Englishman, Welsh man, and a Pakistani gentleman, walk into the maternity wing reception, of their local hospital.
One by one, they say they've all arrived to collect their newborn sons.
A Doctor was summoned and informed them that there had been a bit of a mix-up, and can't with any certainty say, whose is who's.
Now you or I in this situation would probably return home and inform our legal representative. But this being a joke, the three men agree, to sort it out, between them.
As is the English man's right. (Alphabetically speaking anyway.) He goes in first and emerges quite clearly even to the medically untrained eye. With the Pakistani child. Everyone agrees, and the agrieved Pakistani gentleman, says as much.
The Englisman replied: Sorry, mate. But one of those two in there is Welsh, and I, for one, aren't taking any chances. "
That is one of my favorite Simon Evans jokes...and I'm Welsh..!!
My other favorite anti Welsh is as follows..
A travelling salesman is returning home to england through the hills of mid Wales one evening and is need of a comfort stop...
When he comes across a pub in the middle of nowhere with suprisingly a pretty full car park. Pulling in he parks the car and approaches the pub where he can hear the hum of conversation. As he enters a deathly silence ensues and all eyes are on him..he goes to the toilet and returning to the bar he orders a shandy...
The silence continues as the landlord pulls his pint and engages in conversation with the salesman having picked up his english accent.asks
"Where you be from"
I'm on my way to england I've been selling my goods"
"Oh" enquires the landlord "what goods would they be ?"
"Well I'm a taxidermist" replies the salesman..
The whole pub is in silence listening to this conversation
"Taxidermist..?" "What would that be then" asks the landlord
The salesman has had a long day and decides that instead of explaining the intricacies of his occupTion he decided that he'd keep things simple as the landlord wasn't familiar with his occupation..
"Well" says salesman "to put things simply...I stuff dead animals"
Looking up the landlord shouts to the rest of the pub
"It's OK boys he's one of us" |
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What do you call a guy with a small co.k
Just-in |
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What does a horny frog say?
Rubbit |
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By (user no longer on site) 47 weeks ago
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There was two fish in a tank,
One said to the other: "can I drive this time" |
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Did you hear the one about a magic tractor?
Probably not because it turned into a field. |
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A tractor drove by.
The driver was shouting,
‘Beware ye sinners the end is nigh’
I guess it was Farmer Gedden. |
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What do you call a man with a spade on his head?
Doug |
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Why does a dog wear a fur coat?
Cos he would silly in an anorak. |
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Why can't you wear a thong in Ukraine? Chernobyl fallout |
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Two elderly ladies meet for coffee. One asks the other "did you come on the bus?" To which the other replies "yes, but I made it look like a sneezing fit" |
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Frog goes to doctors for a DNA test, a week later he hops back for results, doctor tells him, he is a little bit English, a wee bit Scottish and a tad pole  |
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A German walks in to a pub and asks for a bottle of white wine, the barman says "dry?" The German replies "no, only one" |
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What's big and red and eats rocks? |
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Not so much a joke as an anecdote. At the 1953 coronation the late Queen climbed in to the gold state coach wearing the imperial state crown. Prince Philip apparently sent the Queen in to fits of giggles by asking her "where on earth did you get that hat?" |
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The publishing house wouldn't touch the book I wrote on penguins. I suppose I really should have used paper. |
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Why did the mushroom get invited to all the parties......
Because he's a Funghi
Badoom tisch |
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By (user no longer on site) 47 weeks ago
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Why can't you believe anything atoms say?
Because they make up everything |
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A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender if his brother had been in and the bartender replies I don't know what does he look like  |
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I went to buy camouflage trousers but couldn’t find any anywhere |
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By (user no longer on site) 47 weeks ago
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What’s a pirates favourite shop…
Aaarrrgos xx |
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By (user no longer on site) 47 weeks ago
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A classic in our house is when the oldest will say, "I'm Hungry/I'm Thirsty".
The only reply is, "Hi Hungry, I'm Dad". 😅 |
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"A classic in our house is when the oldest will say, "I'm Hungry/I'm Thirsty".
The only reply is, "Hi Hungry, I'm Dad". 😅"
Yeah my son gets very annoyed at this!! |
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By (user no longer on site) 47 weeks ago
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If my son says he’s thirsty I say im Friday nice to meet u lol.
X |
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A man walks into a pub.
He gets a black eye and a broken nose. |
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By (user no longer on site) 47 weeks ago
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I worked with a guy who loved to sit on the outside of a window.
What a ledge |
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By (user no longer on site) 46 weeks ago
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My mate had an addiction to drinking brake fluid …. reckoned he could stop anytime.
Another mate always wanted to be run over by a steam train ….
When it happened he was chuffed to bits |
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A plane just crashed into my bedroom...
I think I left the landing light on. |
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Preserve wild life - pickle a traffic warden.
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By (user no longer on site) 46 weeks ago
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Where do bees go when they want to travel?
The Buzz stop! |
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Breaking News:
Cannibals have raided a Midlands Convent.
Nuneaton. |
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By *ony 2016Man 46 weeks ago
lincs /Hudd & Derby cinema |
My wife left me , she said I cared more about football than her , , I was quite upset, after all we had been married for 7 seasons |
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Whats the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman
One is a super hero and other is a simple command
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I've hired an Eastern European woman to clean my house, and I don't mind telling you she's an absolute nightmare.
It's taken her a whole day to hoover the house. That's the last time I hire a Slovac. |
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By (user no longer on site) 46 weeks ago
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"I've hired an Eastern European woman to clean my house, and I don't mind telling you she's an absolute nightmare.
It's taken her a whole day to hoover the house. That's the last time I hire a Slovac. "
I'm the opposite, mine misses bits all over the place and doesn't pay close enough attention. She's Russian. |
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2 snowmen, one says to the other can you smell carrots |
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What do you call a swimmer with no arms or legs?
Bob |
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Fill the missing word.
There was a young lady from Venus
Whose body was shaped like a ….. |
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[Removed by poster at 23/07/25 19:08:07] |
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By *ingh89Man 46 weeks ago
Birmingham |
What did the policeman say to his stomach? |
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"Price for 1 slice off apple pie in different countries …..
Jamaica $3
Aruba $5
Dominican Republic $8
Bermuda $4
These are the Pie rates of the Caribbean!"
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"What did the policeman say to his stomach? "
You are under a vest.
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Fill in the missing words
There was a young lady from Venus
Whose body was shaped like an anus
The butt of all jokes
She had plenty of blokes,
But none had a big enough penis |
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By (user no longer on site) 46 weeks ago
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I asked my
daughter to pass me the phone book.
She laughed & and passed her phone to me.
Now the spider is dead, her phone Is broken and she isn't talking to me |
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"I asked my
daughter to pass me the phone book.
She laughed & and passed her phone to me.
Now the spider is dead, her phone Is broken and she isn't talking to me"
Hahaha |
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I grilled a chicken for two hours
It still wouldn't tell me why it crossed the road... |
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By (user no longer on site) 45 weeks ago
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What do you call a lesbian on fire?
An LGBBQ. |
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I got some new specs the other day and my wife said Are they thick Lens?'
I said 'No they're mine'
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By (user no longer on site) 45 weeks ago
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Im writing a book on glue but I'm stuck on the first chapter |
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My wife is furious at our neighbour who sunbathes naked in her back garden.
Personally, I'm on the fence. |
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By *ambi4uMan 45 weeks ago
Saint Helens |
There was a young mouse called Keith
Who circumcised boys with his teeth
It wasn't for leisure
Or sexual pleasure
But to get to the cheese underneath. |
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I only know 25 letters of the alphabet - i don't know y |
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Scientists have successfully created an artificial voice box in their labs.
The results are amazing. They speak for themselves. |
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Thanks to all, they makes I smile, and we all need a smile. |
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By (user no longer on site) 45 weeks ago
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"There was a young mouse called Keith
Who circumcised boys with his teeth
It wasn't for leisure
Or sexual pleasure
But to get to the cheese underneath."
And...there goes my appetite for tonight |
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Ever since my girlfriend started working at the grease factory, it's been really difficult to get hold of her. |
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There was a young lady called Hannah
Who could do many things for a tanner
With a flick of her wrist
She would have you in bliss
And tighten your nuts with her spanner |
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Just to let you all know, I won’t be posting any more dad jokes on here for a while, as the police are looking for me.
I stole an inflatable from a swimming pool and now I gotta lilo... |
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"Just to let you all know, I won’t be posting any more dad jokes on here for a while, as the police are looking for me.
I stole an inflatable from a swimming pool and now I gotta lilo..."
Sorry to hear that inflation has beaten you |
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