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Post your dad jokes
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By *agic.MMan 5 weeks ago
Orpington |
I woke up this morning and my wife was gone...went down to the kitchen and all I found was this note with her handwriting on the fridge, saying "this isn't working anymore "...opened the fridge and it was working fine ... 👀 |
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Mickey Mouse goes to his lawyer to divorce Minnie Mouse. The lawyer says, "You can't divorce Minnie Mouse just because you say she's crazy!"
Mickey says, "I didn't say she was crazy. I said she was fucking Goofy!" |
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By *ony 2016Man 5 weeks ago
lincs /Hudd & Derby cinema |
Friend of mine had to pack his job in as a RAC patrolman , when I asked "why?" He said it was because of all the anxiety,stress and worry , apparently every time he got a call out he felt like he was on his way to another breakdown |
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By (user no longer on site) 5 weeks ago
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“Dad why did you and Mum name my Sister Teresa?”.
Well son your Mum loves Easter time so Teresa is an anagram of Easter .
Oh right thanks Dad .
No problem Alan  |
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"“Dad why did you and Mum name my Sister Teresa?”.
Well son your Mum loves Easter time so Teresa is an anagram of Easter .
Oh right thanks Dad .
No problem Alan "
Shows my level of humour because this is the best so far for me 😁 |
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By (user no longer on site) 5 weeks ago
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"“Dad why did you and Mum name my Sister Teresa?”.
Well son your Mum loves Easter time so Teresa is an anagram of Easter .
Oh right thanks Dad .
No problem Alan
Shows my level of humour because this is the best so far for me 😁"
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I went to a Chinese restaurant the other day and it had all war memorabilia on the wall, some pictures of pilots and stuff.
I sat admiring them and the waiter came over said they were pictures of him.
He said he was a Kamakazi pilot in the war and his code name was Chow Mein
I said Bollax, Kamakazi pilots were supposed to crash planes and die
He said yes
He was Chicken Chow Mein
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By *ty31Man 2 weeks ago
NW London |
A couple from Tommy Cooper:
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A cop arrested two kids yesterday - one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks
He charged one and let the other one off
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Sad day today, my father passed away this morning.
He drowned in a bowl of museli.
A strong currant pulled him in |
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An old married couple are in church service on sunday. The elderly lady leans over to her husband and whispers “I just let go a really long, silent fart. What should I do?”
The husband looks back at her and says "change the battery on your hearing aid". |
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Ok not a 'safe' dad joke but a more filthy joke.
Two gay men are travelling on a plane. Let's call them Steve and Bill.
"Dude, what if we had sex?" asks Steve.
"You crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it..."
"Man, nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!"
Steve stands up and asks loudly:
"Could I have a napkin, please?"
Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc.
"They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Bill.
So Steve and Bill have wild sex on the plane.
Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth.
"Sir, you should've asked for a bag!"
"I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a napkin and he got fucked in the ass…”
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Pinched this off the net:
An Englishman, Welsh man, and a Pakistani gentleman, walk into the maternity wing reception, of their local hospital.
One by one, they say they've all arrived to collect their newborn sons.
A Doctor was summoned and informed them that there had been a bit of a mix-up, and can't with any certainty say, whose is who's.
Now you or I in this situation would probably return home and inform our legal representative. But this being a joke, the three men agree, to sort it out, between them.
As is the English man's right. (Alphabetically speaking anyway.) He goes in first and emerges quite clearly even to the medically untrained eye. With the Pakistani child. Everyone agrees, and the agrieved Pakistani gentleman, says as much.
The Englisman replied: Sorry, mate. But one of those two in there is Welsh, and I, for one, aren't taking any chances. |
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"Pinched this off the net:
An Englishman, Welsh man, and a Pakistani gentleman, walk into the maternity wing reception, of their local hospital.
One by one, they say they've all arrived to collect their newborn sons.
A Doctor was summoned and informed them that there had been a bit of a mix-up, and can't with any certainty say, whose is who's.
Now you or I in this situation would probably return home and inform our legal representative. But this being a joke, the three men agree, to sort it out, between them.
As is the English man's right. (Alphabetically speaking anyway.) He goes in first and emerges quite clearly even to the medically untrained eye. With the Pakistani child. Everyone agrees, and the agrieved Pakistani gentleman, says as much.
The Englisman replied: Sorry, mate. But one of those two in there is Welsh, and I, for one, aren't taking any chances. "
That is one of my favorite Simon Evans jokes...and I'm Welsh..!!
My other favorite anti Welsh is as follows..
A travelling salesman is returning home to england through the hills of mid Wales one evening and is need of a comfort stop...
When he comes across a pub in the middle of nowhere with suprisingly a pretty full car park. Pulling in he parks the car and approaches the pub where he can hear the hum of conversation. As he enters a deathly silence ensues and all eyes are on him..he goes to the toilet and returning to the bar he orders a shandy...
The silence continues as the landlord pulls his pint and engages in conversation with the salesman having picked up his english accent.asks
"Where you be from"
I'm on my way to england I've been selling my goods"
"Oh" enquires the landlord "what goods would they be ?"
"Well I'm a taxidermist" replies the salesman..
The whole pub is in silence listening to this conversation
"Taxidermist..?" "What would that be then" asks the landlord
The salesman has had a long day and decides that instead of explaining the intricacies of his occupTion he decided that he'd keep things simple as the landlord wasn't familiar with his occupation..
"Well" says salesman "to put things simply...I stuff dead animals"
Looking up the landlord shouts to the rest of the pub
"It's OK boys he's one of us" |
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Not so much a joke as an anecdote. At the 1953 coronation the late Queen climbed in to the gold state coach wearing the imperial state crown. Prince Philip apparently sent the Queen in to fits of giggles by asking her "where on earth did you get that hat?" |
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I've hired an Eastern European woman to clean my house, and I don't mind telling you she's an absolute nightmare.
It's taken her a whole day to hoover the house. That's the last time I hire a Slovac. |
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"I've hired an Eastern European woman to clean my house, and I don't mind telling you she's an absolute nightmare.
It's taken her a whole day to hoover the house. That's the last time I hire a Slovac. "
I'm the opposite, mine misses bits all over the place and doesn't pay close enough attention. She's Russian. |
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