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Outreach with AuDHD is draining
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By *ankay49 OP Man 3 weeks ago
Bermondsey |
Okay, not actually mass messaging, but the idea that for the dozens of people you message, you have to read every profile and curate a response, as if applying to a job.
Any other neurodivergent people find this get really draining really quickly.
I wish I could just get straight to asking the relevant questions without people getting weirded out, and they can ask for whatever clarification they wanted.
And not to mention people accusing you of using copy paste messaging (which is a big issue with autism, as our writing often gets flagged up as being “AI”) |
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Nothing to do with being neurodivergent. It's equally shite for all of us. I enjoy taking the time to read and respond to a profile. I don't just bombard every profile though - only message ones I'm genuinely interested in. It's deflating when they read it and don't reply and you'll feel that more often if you're just messaging everyone with your fingers crossed |
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God, yes. ADHD Combined here. This post sang to me.
The energy and focus it takes to actually go through the writing and tailoring routine, making the opening message unique, referencing details from their profile, trying to make it funny/engaging, trying to avoid cliché and sounding like a copy/paste. All this while knowing there's a 95% chance the fruits of your labour will be deleted unread is crippling.
Then you have the huge, unavoidable RSD trigger built into the process. Everyone gets rejected, most of the time. You know intellectually it's just how the site works, but it still doesn't do anything good for the old self-esteem. ND brains feel rejection on a whole other level and this site is engineered to stick the knife in several times a day.
Then there's trying to actually maintain a conversation when response times vary between "a couple of hours" and "never". It's so difficult to keep track of, and time blindness means I'll often miss a reply by days or weeks, by which time they've either (quite reasonably) assumed I've ghosted or they've left the site.
It's a wonder I ever managed to arrange any meets at all, to be perfectly honest. |
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"Nothing to do with being neurodivergent. It's equally shite for all of us. I enjoy taking the time to read and respond to a profile. I don't just bombard every profile though - only message ones I'm genuinely interested in. It's deflating when they read it and don't reply and you'll feel that more often if you're just messaging everyone with your fingers crossed"
"I can understand your frustration but it's not really a neurodivergent thing. It's simply "effort" and "patience"."
Plumber, Nero - would I be right in assuming neither of you are neurodivergent? Apologies if I'm wrong, but I hear comments like these fairly regularly and - respectfully - you're *way* off base. No criticism intended - It's a fairly common and understandable misconception if you don't have much experience with neurodiversity.
At a base level it *is* just a case of effort and persistence, but that doesn't mean the same thing for neurodiverse people. This site is unquestionably much more difficult to navigate for us, in much the same way as people with mobility issues just have to try a bit harder to get up a staircase, or people with crippling social anxiety just have to try a bit harder to get out and meet people.
For autistic people, who may struggle with social cues at the best of times, I can only imagine trying to work with the slightly off-kilter (and fairly changeable) social rules of this place must be a cognitive nightmare. Also there's the challenges posed by literal thinking. Taking what people say at face value on Fab is asking for trouble.
I've already replied above with a few of my own challenges from an ADHD perspective, but if you're interested in learning more, I'd suggest Googling a brief summary of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria which is very common amongst ND people and think about how that would work with the usual message:response ratio on Fab. It's a bit like kicking yourself in the balls a couple of times a day.
None of this is intended as a whinge or a demand that the site be changed to suit me and my needs. More just asking for a little grace and some recognition that for some people, it just isn't that straightforward. |
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I have no doubt that all neurodivergent people struggle with many different aspects of life. OP simply called it "draining". We're just highlighting thats its equally draining for all. In the same way I can't understand how draining it is for a neurodivergent person, you can't understand how draining it is for a neuroltypical person. Doesn't make one any better or worse than the other. We're all in the same boat. Glad you've managed to conquer your "crippling" issues to allow you to get out and meet. You've got more veri's than me - you're obviously doing something right 🤷♂️ |
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I'm spicy in the neuro way. I do agree though that the mass messaging is a fruitless task for anyone. Potentially, ND folk may struggle with the frustration from that more but the outcomes are poor for all. Weirdly I feel it's my neurodivergency that means I'm used to having to figure out how to make things work for me and I've done the same with swinging and swinging platforms. |
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Btw OP, yeah, I find it way more exhausting than, say, dating apps. I go through moments of messaging people and moments where I won’t message anyone because I can’t be arsed.
I find messaging friends exhausting let alone strangers. |
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"Apologies if I'm wrong, but I hear comments like these fairly regularly and - respectfully - you're *way* off base."
•
Please don't confuse (my) brevity with irreverence in my previous post. I respectfully stated that I understood your frustration and I'm not disregarding the extra effort, hoops, jumps and leaps that you - I suspect - have to undergo on here because of your neurodivergence.
If you were neurotypical, like me, you would have to expend the same level of enterprise in making connections. Indeed I have: nearly all the women I've met/slept/dated on here were neurodivergent and they were the ones who instigated the initial conversation, which meant that I had to apply similar effort, verve, delight and frustration when it came to protracted conversations, being mindful of their somewhat 'cryptic' minds, second-guessing them and instinctively appreciating their equalness. (I'm choosing my words carefully here in order to express my candour without prejudice or offence) |
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I absolutely abhor the "talking stages" part of new interactions. I find it mentally draining and so boring.
I would actually prefer just diving into a conversation and asking deeper/meaningful questions and getting to know someone on a less surface level then the...
"hello how are you"
"I'm fine thanks, how are you?"
"good thanks, how are you finding fab?" rinse and repeat cycle.
I do think the forums in some ways are a good way to bypass those interactions by giving you topics to jump into a conversation about when you've both posted in the same thread. I've got to know (and sometimes met) a few people now via that route.
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I do wonder if the phenomenon of meeting people online has now led to an increase in people hoping to 'fast-track ' to the relationship they want with others instead of taking time to get to know others |
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"Please don't confuse (my) brevity with irreverence in my previous post. I respectfully stated that I understood your frustration and I'm not disregarding the extra effort, hoops, jumps and leaps that you - I suspect - have to undergo on here because of your neurodivergence.
If you were neurotypical, like me, you would have to expend the same level of enterprise in making connections. Indeed I have: nearly all the women I've met/slept/dated on here were neurodivergent and they were the ones who instigated the initial conversation, which meant that I had to apply similar effort, verve, delight and frustration when it came to protracted conversations, being mindful of their somewhat 'cryptic' minds, second-guessing them and instinctively appreciating their equalness. (I'm choosing my words carefully here in order to express my candour without prejudice or offence)"
Thanks Nero. No offence taken or intended. I honestly appreciate your input and your considered approach. All perspectives welcome, as far as I'm concerned.
All I'm saying is that, while it's obviously hard work for everyone, it's a fact that there are additional challenges faced by ND people that are easily overlooked or misunderstood. I often get the feeling people think ND folk are somehow exaggerating or making it all about them when they talk about it. The only way to change that perception is to be open about it. Progress is all about understanding perspectives, innit?  |
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"I'm spicy in the neuro way. I do agree though that the mass messaging is a fruitless task for anyone. Potentially, ND folk may struggle with the frustration from that more but the outcomes are poor for all. Weirdly I feel it's my neurodivergency that means I'm used to having to figure out how to make things work for me and I've done the same with swinging and swinging platforms."
Ah, Lacey! I don't recall if we ever spoke specifically on the topic back in the day. A *lot* has happened in the intervening years! I was, at that point, undiagnosed and blissfully unaware. I always assumed I was just some sort of chronically disorganised bumbling oaf with a seemingly random selection of very specific interests and skills 
You make an excellent point. As much as neurodiversity presents us with myriad obstacles to overcome, it also arms us with the experience and - eventually - the skills to deal with said obstacles. Silver linings, eh? |
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By *ankay49 OP Man 3 weeks ago
Bermondsey |
"Nothing to do with being neurodivergent. It's equally shite for all of us. I enjoy taking the time to read and respond to a profile. I don't just bombard every profile though - only message ones I'm genuinely interested in. It's deflating when they read it and don't reply and you'll feel that more often if you're just messaging everyone with your fingers crossed"
I mean you’re right, it’s draining for everyone, but neurodivergent people generally do get drained a lot quicker, especially with the overthinking & analysis paralysis |
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By *ankay49 OP Man 3 weeks ago
Bermondsey |
"God, yes. ADHD Combined here. This post sang to me.
The energy and focus it takes to actually go through the writing and tailoring routine, making the opening message unique, referencing details from their profile, trying to make it funny/engaging, trying to avoid cliché and sounding like a copy/paste. All this while knowing there's a 95% chance the fruits of your labour will be deleted unread is crippling.
Then you have the huge, unavoidable RSD trigger built into the process. Everyone gets rejected, most of the time. You know intellectually it's just how the site works, but it still doesn't do anything good for the old self-esteem. ND brains feel rejection on a whole other level and this site is engineered to stick the knife in several times a day.
Then there's trying to actually maintain a conversation when response times vary between "a couple of hours" and "never". It's so difficult to keep track of, and time blindness means I'll often miss a reply by days or weeks, by which time they've either (quite reasonably) assumed I've ghosted or they've left the site.
It's a wonder I ever managed to arrange any meets at all, to be perfectly honest. "
I feel like you stole my thoughts, wow |
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By *ankay49 OP Man 3 weeks ago
Bermondsey |
"I'm spicy in the neuro way. I do agree though that the mass messaging is a fruitless task for anyone. Potentially, ND folk may struggle with the frustration from that more but the outcomes are poor for all. Weirdly I feel it's my neurodivergency that means I'm used to having to figure out how to make things work for me and I've done the same with swinging and swinging platforms."
Oh absolutely, this carries into everything, taking “conventional wisdoms” with scepticism, as you know how often they simply don’t work for ND folk |
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By *ankay49 OP Man 3 weeks ago
Bermondsey |
"Why would anyone message a profile they haven't read? How would you know if you want to message them unless you have done this? It saves time ultimately."
I’m not saying the reading part is hard, it’s often fun and enjoyable.
But sometimes I wanna send a message without necessarily having to play this game if “proving I read your bio”, like having to have 2 tabs open, because I forget what I read like 5 seconds after I read it, I just know I enjoyed reading it, but for a lot of people, they have higher expectations like that, there is this hidden need to point out things mentioned in profiles, that’s the draining part, turns it into a literacy comprehension homework XD
The most annoying part is that most times your message will just be ignored or deleted after all that effort. |
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By *ankay49 OP Man 3 weeks ago
Bermondsey |
"Btw OP, yeah, I find it way more exhausting than, say, dating apps. I go through moments of messaging people and moments where I won’t message anyone because I can’t be arsed.
I find messaging friends exhausting let alone strangers. "
I totally hear you, lol my family members are lucky if I remember they exist sometimes, but when you got needs, you gotta make the effort XD |
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By *ankay49 OP Man 3 weeks ago
Bermondsey |
"Apologies if I'm wrong, but I hear comments like these fairly regularly and - respectfully - you're *way* off base.
•
Please don't confuse (my) brevity with irreverence in my previous post. I respectfully stated that I understood your frustration and I'm not disregarding the extra effort, hoops, jumps and leaps that you - I suspect - have to undergo on here because of your neurodivergence.
If you were neurotypical, like me, you would have to expend the same level of enterprise in making connections. Indeed I have: nearly all the women I've met/slept/dated on here were neurodivergent and they were the ones who instigated the initial conversation, which meant that I had to apply similar effort, verve, delight and frustration when it came to protracted conversations, being mindful of their somewhat 'cryptic' minds, second-guessing them and instinctively appreciating their equalness. (I'm choosing my words carefully here in order to express my candour without prejudice or offence)"
I think there is a slight difference, as with the women, they tend to be able to afford to message less people to achieve a “success”, |
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By *ankay49 OP Man 3 weeks ago
Bermondsey |
"I absolutely abhor the "talking stages" part of new interactions. I find it mentally draining and so boring.
I would actually prefer just diving into a conversation and asking deeper/meaningful questions and getting to know someone on a less surface level then the...
"hello how are you"
"I'm fine thanks, how are you?"
"good thanks, how are you finding fab?" rinse and repeat cycle.
I do think the forums in some ways are a good way to bypass those interactions by giving you topics to jump into a conversation about when you've both posted in the same thread. I've got to know (and sometimes met) a few people now via that route.
"
Yess this, OMG YESSS, for neurotypicals, I get this makes good segues for them, but for us, it’s just like extra “unnecessary data” |
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"I have no doubt that all neurodivergent people struggle with many different aspects of life. OP simply called it "draining". We're just highlighting thats its equally draining for all. In the same way I can't understand how draining it is for a neurodivergent person, you can't understand how draining it is for a neuroltypical person. Doesn't make one any better or worse than the other. We're all in the same boat. Glad you've managed to conquer your "crippling" issues to allow you to get out and meet. You've got more veri's than me - you're obviously doing something right 🤷♂️"
That's what I'm saying though: it's *not* equally draining for all. I'm not suggesting for one minute that it isn't hard for you. What I'm saying is that it's objectively harder for others. There's a mountain of scientific evidence to back this up. If you're interested in knowing more, Google "ND Burnout" or "Executive Dysfunction" for a very brief summary. It can be a bit of a rabbit-hole though, so please don't feel like I'm setting you homework
Again, to be clear, I'm absolutely not criticising and I'm not here looking for an argument. I'm not making excuses, fishing for sympathy or crying about how unfair it is. I'm not asking for anything to be changed to accommodate my needs. Fab is Fab and - as with everything else in life - ND people will figure out ways of working within a system that wasn't designed for them. I'm just speaking from personal experience and hoping it will provide some context and lead to a bit of understanding.
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"Btw OP, yeah, I find it way more exhausting than, say, dating apps. I go through moments of messaging people and moments where I won’t message anyone because I can’t be arsed.
I find messaging friends exhausting let alone strangers. "
Mood |
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"I'm spicy in the neuro way. I do agree though that the mass messaging is a fruitless task for anyone. Potentially, ND folk may struggle with the frustration from that more but the outcomes are poor for all. Weirdly I feel it's my neurodivergency that means I'm used to having to figure out how to make things work for me and I've done the same with swinging and swinging platforms.
Ah, Lacey! I don't recall if we ever spoke specifically on the topic back in the day. A *lot* has happened in the intervening years! I was, at that point, undiagnosed and blissfully unaware. I always assumed I was just some sort of chronically disorganised bumbling oaf with a seemingly random selection of very specific interests and skills
You make an excellent point. As much as neurodiversity presents us with myriad obstacles to overcome, it also arms us with the experience and - eventually - the skills to deal with said obstacles. Silver linings, eh? "
I don't think we dod directly but there were certainly some special interest deep dives  . Relatable . I've also always felt like someone who was somehow bad at adulting, even humaning but somehow very good at certain skills, even those required for either of those.
I think it's a combination of learned skills but also part of how my brain works. In many ways I often see life as a puzzle to be worked out and I'm typically very good at figuring out possible solutions. I've never quite understood the neurotypical tendency to be both dissatisfied but static though I've come to the conclusion that for some, the enjoyment is in the complaining . |
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"Apologies if I'm wrong, but I hear comments like these fairly regularly and - respectfully - you're *way* off base.
•
Please don't confuse (my) brevity with irreverence in my previous post. I respectfully stated that I understood your frustration and I'm not disregarding the extra effort, hoops, jumps and leaps that you - I suspect - have to undergo on here because of your neurodivergence.
If you were neurotypical, like me, you would have to expend the same level of enterprise in making connections. Indeed I have: nearly all the women I've met/slept/dated on here were neurodivergent and they were the ones who instigated the initial conversation, which meant that I had to apply similar effort, verve, delight and frustration when it came to protracted conversations, being mindful of their somewhat 'cryptic' minds, second-guessing them and instinctively appreciating their equalness. (I'm choosing my words carefully here in order to express my candour without prejudice or offence)
I think there is a slight difference, as with the women, they tend to be able to afford to message less people to achieve a “success”, "
If success is an inbox full of ballbag then yeah, I guess. |
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By (user no longer on site) 3 weeks ago
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Firstly I dislike the term AuDHD - "Autism Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder" is just wrong. 😛
Personally diagnosed Asperger's with ADHD, but meh. 😁
"Okay, not actually mass messaging, but the idea that for the dozens of people you message, you have to read every profile and curate a response, as if applying to a job."
On this website women hold the power - and men will often lower their standards to get their dicks wet.
This gives women enough power to say things like "be original in your message", while not even giving away anything to inspire a message.
So, it has nothing to do with neurodivergence, it's just the dynamics of this website - there are easier places online for men to get laid.
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"Apologies if I'm wrong, but I hear comments like these fairly regularly and - respectfully - you're *way* off base.
•
Please don't confuse (my) brevity with irreverence in my previous post. I respectfully stated that I understood your frustration and I'm not disregarding the extra effort, hoops, jumps and leaps that you - I suspect - have to undergo on here because of your neurodivergence.
If you were neurotypical, like me, you would have to expend the same level of enterprise in making connections. Indeed I have: nearly all the women I've met/slept/dated on here were neurodivergent and they were the ones who instigated the initial conversation, which meant that I had to apply similar effort, verve, delight and frustration when it came to protracted conversations, being mindful of their somewhat 'cryptic' minds, second-guessing them and instinctively appreciating their equalness. (I'm choosing my words carefully here in order to express my candour without prejudice or offence).
·
I think there is a slight difference, as with the women, they tend to be able to afford to message less people to achieve a “success”, "
•
I genuinely don't understand what point you're making in the context of your grievance. Women are allowed to have preferences and decide if there are any compatibilities. Messages in their inbox doesn't necessarily equal success. They have the right to exercise their prerogative. |
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"Firstly I dislike the term AuDHD - "Autism Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder" is just wrong. 😛
Personally diagnosed Asperger's with ADHD, but meh. 😁
Okay, not actually mass messaging, but the idea that for the dozens of people you message, you have to read every profile and curate a response, as if applying to a job.
On this website women hold the power - and men will often lower their standards to get their dicks wet.
This gives women enough power to say things like "be original in your message", while not even giving away anything to inspire a message.
So, it has nothing to do with neurodivergence, it's just the dynamics of this website - there are easier places online for men to get laid.
"
Why aren't the men who whinge about nobody meeting them going there? |
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By (user no longer on site) 3 weeks ago
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"Why aren't the men who whinge about nobody meeting them going there?"
Maybe they are 🤔
If they're anything like me, they'll be spreading themselves thinly - that doesn't stop anyone from complaining though, especially if they paid for a gold upgrade.
The most success I ever had with no-strings hooking up was on a site called Faceparty (does it still exist?), but even regular dating sites have more scope than this place. |
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"Okay, not actually mass messaging, but the idea that for the dozens of people you message, you have to read every profile and curate a response, as if applying to a job.
Any other neurodivergent people find this get really draining really quickly.
I wish I could just get straight to asking the relevant questions without people getting weirded out, and they can ask for whatever clarification they wanted.
And not to mention people accusing you of using copy paste messaging (which is a big issue with autism, as our writing often gets flagged up as being “AI”)"
I get that this is an issue as I have seen it first hand. There are risks to mental health absolutely and it's important to mind yourself and deal with it correctly otherwise this site can drag you down. And I appreciate that all guys have similar issues but some have coping mechanisms and some don't. Everyone has to way up the benefits over the drawbacks for you.
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"On this website women hold the power - and men will often lower their standards to get their dicks wet. This gives women enough power to say things like "be original in your message", while not even giving away anything to inspire a message. So, it has nothing to do with neurodivergence, it's just the dynamics of this website
"
🎯 |
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"On this website women hold the power - and men will often lower their standards to get their dicks wet.
This gives women enough power to say things like "be original in your message", while not even giving away anything to inspire a message.
So, it has nothing to do with neurodivergence, it's just the dynamics of this website - there are easier places online for men to get laid.
"
You're right - what you're saying does have nothing to do with neurodivergence. It also has vanishingly little to do with the original post.
If the original post was "Do other neurodivergent people find this whole experience as exhausting as I do?", your reply appears to say "That's irrelevant because women can pick and choose who they meet and that's not fair".
Leaving aside that that's a pretty wild claim, what does it have to do with anything the OP said? |
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By (user no longer on site) 3 weeks ago
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"what does it have to do with anything the OP said? "
The part where he said "you have to read every profile and curate a response, as if applying to a job."
This has nothing to do with being neurodivergent. |
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"On this website women hold the power - and men will often lower their standards to get their dicks wet.
This gives women enough power to say things like "be original in your message", while not even giving away anything to inspire a message.
So, it has nothing to do with neurodivergence, it's just the dynamics of this website - there are easier places online for men to get laid.
You're right - what you're saying does have nothing to do with neurodivergence. It also has vanishingly little to do with the original post.
If the original post was "Do other neurodivergent people find this whole experience as exhausting as I do?", your reply appears to say "That's irrelevant because women can pick and choose who they meet and that's not fair".
Leaving aside that that's a pretty wild claim, what does it have to do with anything the OP said? "
The neurotypical ability to put so much subtext into everything you say that you see subtext in everything even when it's not there? Maybe. Or just wanting to make a conversation about what you want to talk about. Much like when people ask you if you have holidays planned because they want to tell you all about their own  . |
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"what does it have to do with anything the OP said?
The part where he said "you have to read every profile and curate a response, as if applying to a job."
This has nothing to do with being neurodivergent."
He doesn’t say it does.
He asks whether any other ND people find this particularly draining. In some cases, a task may feel like a lot or draining it difficult for a ND person and a NT may find the same task totally fine even if not enjoyable.  |
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"what does it have to do with anything the OP said?
The part where he said "you have to read every profile and curate a response, as if applying to a job."
This has nothing to do with being neurodivergent.
He doesn’t say it does.
He asks whether any other ND people find this particularly draining. In some cases, a task may feel like a lot or draining it difficult for a ND person and a NT may find the same task totally fine even if not enjoyable. "
Networking events 🤢 |
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Perhaps it's better to find the balance that's right for you, in terms of the volume of messages that you send and meeting in real life, which might be at socials and clubs. The latter will have challenges typically for neurodivergent people that can be tougher, than for the majority of people but might make things a little warmer, when you're really with people, compared with just texting.
Perhaps set some limits too, to see how they may reduce the impact on you.
Plus take breaks, so it's less like a chore. |
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"Okay, not actually mass messaging, but the idea that for the dozens of people you message, you have to read every profile and curate a response, as if applying to a job.
Any other neurodivergent people find this get really draining really quickly.
I wish I could just get straight to asking the relevant questions without people getting weirded out, and they can ask for whatever clarification they wanted.
And not to mention people accusing you of using copy paste messaging (which is a big issue with autism, as our writing often gets flagged up as being “AI”)"
Hugs, It's different for me as a woman. I do not focus on messaging lots of people and I block all single guys so I'm not bombarded.
Someone once thought I was a robot because of the way that I type. Lol!
I mean I do sort of end up typing the same thing. Usually " it's on my profile" lol!
It's harder for men but the men I know with the most luck actual go out to clubs, events and socials.
Yes as a single woman I was absolutely bricking it, having an anxiety attack in an uber and preparing for a crisis when I first turned up at my 3 clubs but now I'm a regular and I'm ok.
It's just more natural in-person and I find that my autistic brain likes things as natural as possible and not through devices!!! It's much better for my social skills and to connect to people. I find it hard to connect to people through a device. |
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"I absolutely abhor the "talking stages" part of new interactions. I find it mentally draining and so boring.
I would actually prefer just diving into a conversation and asking deeper/meaningful questions and getting to know someone on a less surface level then the...
"hello how are you"
"I'm fine thanks, how are you?"
"good thanks, how are you finding fab?" rinse and repeat cycle.
I do think the forums in some ways are a good way to bypass those interactions by giving you topics to jump into a conversation about when you've both posted in the same thread. I've got to know (and sometimes met) a few people now via that route.
Yess this, OMG YESSS, for neurotypicals, I get this makes good segues for them, but for us, it’s just like extra “unnecessary data” "
So much unnecessary data!!! |
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"Apologies if I'm wrong, but I hear comments like these fairly regularly and - respectfully - you're *way* off base.
•
Please don't confuse (my) brevity with irreverence in my previous post. I respectfully stated that I understood your frustration and I'm not disregarding the extra effort, hoops, jumps and leaps that you - I suspect - have to undergo on here because of your neurodivergence.
If you were neurotypical, like me, you would have to expend the same level of enterprise in making connections. Indeed I have: nearly all the women I've met/slept/dated on here were neurodivergent and they were the ones who instigated the initial conversation, which meant that I had to apply similar effort, verve, delight and frustration when it came to protracted conversations, being mindful of their somewhat 'cryptic' minds, second-guessing them and instinctively appreciating their equalness. (I'm choosing my words carefully here in order to express my candour without prejudice or offence)
I think there is a slight difference, as with the women, they tend to be able to afford to message less people to achieve a “success”, "
As a Neurodivergent Black plus-sized foreign degree-educated woman, I don't fit most men's porn fantasies...and I'm definitely not trying to be a girlfriend or a wife ( again) or a fuck buddy.
I'm very specific and label my men as "intimate companions and playmates." I have strict boundaries.
So that rules out the majority of men who don't like labels and who like to "push boundaries". I'm also likely to run rings around men mentally and trigger all their insecurities. Lol!
I think I subconsciously look for way to repel men..not entice. Lol! |
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"Apologies if I'm wrong, but I hear comments like these fairly regularly and - respectfully - you're *way* off base.
•
Please don't confuse (my) brevity with irreverence in my previous post. I respectfully stated that I understood your frustration and I'm not disregarding the extra effort, hoops, jumps and leaps that you - I suspect - have to undergo on here because of your neurodivergence.
If you were neurotypical, like me, you would have to expend the same level of enterprise in making connections. Indeed I have: nearly all the women I've met/slept/dated on here were neurodivergent and they were the ones who instigated the initial conversation, which meant that I had to apply similar effort, verve, delight and frustration when it came to protracted conversations, being mindful of their somewhat 'cryptic' minds, second-guessing them and instinctively appreciating their equalness. (I'm choosing my words carefully here in order to express my candour without prejudice or offence)
I think there is a slight difference, as with the women, they tend to be able to afford to message less people to achieve a “success”,
If success is an inbox full of ballbag then yeah, I guess."
Lol! ballbag..my autistic brain is screaming. I'm currently learning to simplify my life and allowing all single men to message me is too many spoons! I got other things to do beside reply to lots of Fab randos! |
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"Firstly I dislike the term AuDHD - "Autism Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder" is just wrong. 😛
Personally diagnosed Asperger's with ADHD, but meh. 😁
Okay, not actually mass messaging, but the idea that for the dozens of people you message, you have to read every profile and curate a response, as if applying to a job.
On this website women hold the power - and men will often lower their standards to get their dicks wet.
This gives women enough power to say things like "be original in your message", while not even giving away anything to inspire a message.
So, it has nothing to do with neurodivergence, it's just the dynamics of this website - there are easier places online for men to get laid.
"
I'm not here to inspire. I'm here to terrify. Lol!
As one guy exclaimed while fucking me in a club in Cap "you are dangerous!" I said "exactly yes I am!" I was wearing my bondage collar and he thought to touch my neck without permission. Lol! My bondage collar has spikes.
I'm neuro-spikey. Lol!  |
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"Firstly I dislike the term AuDHD - "Autism Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder" is just wrong. 😛
Personally diagnosed Asperger's with ADHD, but meh. 😁
Okay, not actually mass messaging, but the idea that for the dozens of people you message, you have to read every profile and curate a response, as if applying to a job.
On this website women hold the power - and men will often lower their standards to get their dicks wet.
This gives women enough power to say things like "be original in your message", while not even giving away anything to inspire a message.
So, it has nothing to do with neurodivergence, it's just the dynamics of this website - there are easier places online for men to get laid.
Why aren't the men who whinge about nobody meeting them going there?"
Because we have the pervy pictures and videos of real people who live nearby Lol! It's all part of the male fantasy brain. |
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"Why aren't the men who whinge about nobody meeting them going there?
Maybe they are 🤔
If they're anything like me, they'll be spreading themselves thinly - that doesn't stop anyone from complaining though, especially if they paid for a gold upgrade.
The most success I ever had with no-strings hooking up was on a site called Faceparty (does it still exist?), but even regular dating sites have more scope than this place."
People get confused. Being a swinger is different from being a hook-up. Lol! Is different from BDSM is different from kink and fetish is different from dating.
To some people it's all the same thing...a way to get laid. |
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"Okay, not actually mass messaging, but the idea that for the dozens of people you message, you have to read every profile and curate a response, as if applying to a job.
Any other neurodivergent people find this get really draining really quickly.
I wish I could just get straight to asking the relevant questions without people getting weirded out, and they can ask for whatever clarification they wanted.
And not to mention people accusing you of using copy paste messaging (which is a big issue with autism, as our writing often gets flagged up as being “AI”)
I get that this is an issue as I have seen it first hand. There are risks to mental health absolutely and it's important to mind yourself and deal with it correctly otherwise this site can drag you down. And I appreciate that all guys have similar issues but some have coping mechanisms and some don't. Everyone has to way up the benefits over the drawbacks for you.
"
I have checks and balances in place so that Fab doesn't take over my mental health. I suggest neurodivergent people do the same. |
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"On this website women hold the power - and men will often lower their standards to get their dicks wet.
This gives women enough power to say things like "be original in your message", while not even giving away anything to inspire a message.
So, it has nothing to do with neurodivergence, it's just the dynamics of this website - there are easier places online for men to get laid.
You're right - what you're saying does have nothing to do with neurodivergence. It also has vanishingly little to do with the original post.
If the original post was "Do other neurodivergent people find this whole experience as exhausting as I do?", your reply appears to say "That's irrelevant because women can pick and choose who they meet and that's not fair".
Leaving aside that that's a pretty wild claim, what does it have to do with anything the OP said?
The neurotypical ability to put so much subtext into everything you say that you see subtext in everything even when it's not there? Maybe. Or just wanting to make a conversation about what you want to talk about. Much like when people ask you if you have holidays planned because they want to tell you all about their own ."
Ugh I do that..random subtext, connections, sidelines and tangents. sorry.   |
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"what does it have to do with anything the OP said?
The part where he said "you have to read every profile and curate a response, as if applying to a job."
This has nothing to do with being neurodivergent.
He doesn’t say it does.
He asks whether any other ND people find this particularly draining. In some cases, a task may feel like a lot or draining it difficult for a ND person and a NT may find the same task totally fine even if not enjoyable.
Networking events 🤢"
I love networking and then I burn tF out. Lol!
Just like in theory I'd love a gangbang....in practice, it's likely to trigger me...    |
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"Perhaps it's better to find the balance that's right for you, in terms of the volume of messages that you send and meeting in real life, which might be at socials and clubs. The latter will have challenges typically for neurodivergent people that can be tougher, than for the majority of people but might make things a little warmer, when you're really with people, compared with just texting.
Perhaps set some limits too, to see how they may reduce the impact on you.
Plus take breaks, so it's less like a chore. "
Agree with all of this.
I get more out of in-person than the devices so I try to go to clubs once a week. Also gives a big reality check! |
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"
I would actually prefer just diving into a conversation and asking deeper/meaningful questions and getting to know someone on a less surface level then the...
"hello how are you"
"I'm fine thanks, how are you?"
"
I can see that side of things, but from my side (and I'm Au/ADHD myself), I feel like I need to know someone is receptive and is paying attention before I just go in there and say "stuff". Especially if it's someone I've never met before.
Maybe it's because I play online contact by the same rules as conversations in "meatspace" but personally I need that preamble.
If I'm sitting on my own somewhere and a stranger comes up and starts talking to me about *stuff* without some kind of opening greeting and pleasntry to see if I'm actually open to talking, I find that entitled, rude and borderline belligerent.
But also I do find myself depending a little bit on frameworks for how to handle interactions. I think that's part of how I often miss people flirting with me a lot of the time.
It's not part of the usual framework/formula for the type of interaction I'm having, say, going through the supermarket checkout, so an unexpected data point might get overlooked.
Like, I've already got in the car and drive halfway home before I *register* the cashier told me I had nice eyes and asked me what I was doing this evening... But while I was in 'grocery mode' my replies would be 'oh, thank you very much', 'dunno just chilling I guess' because my framework for paying for my shopping doesn't have a subroutine for people flirting with me. |
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"
I would actually prefer just diving into a conversation and asking deeper/meaningful questions and getting to know someone on a less surface level then the...
"hello how are you"
"I'm fine thanks, how are you?"
I can see that side of things, but from my side (and I'm Au/ADHD myself), I feel like I need to know someone is receptive and is paying attention before I just go in there and say "stuff". Especially if it's someone I've never met before.
Maybe it's because I play online contact by the same rules as conversations in "meatspace" but personally I need that preamble.
If I'm sitting on my own somewhere and a stranger comes up and starts talking to me about *stuff* without some kind of opening greeting and pleasntry to see if I'm actually open to talking, I find that entitled, rude and borderline belligerent.
But also I do find myself depending a little bit on frameworks for how to handle interactions. I think that's part of how I often miss people flirting with me a lot of the time.
It's not part of the usual framework/formula for the type of interaction I'm having, say, going through the supermarket checkout, so an unexpected data point might get overlooked.
Like, I've already got in the car and drive halfway home before I *register* the cashier told me I had nice eyes and asked me what I was doing this evening... But while I was in 'grocery mode' my replies would be 'oh, thank you very much', 'dunno just chilling I guess' because my framework for paying for my shopping doesn't have a subroutine for people flirting with me. "
Oh yeah I miss stuff all the time....which is why I go to club/party/event because the framework is there for people to ask people if they "would like to play" anywhere else my brain is focused on something else.
I don't need to know if they will say yes or no but I know it's not weird for me to ask.
I literally went up to a few guys in France in the spa and said Voulez Vous and pointed to my pussy and I got 2 yes and one no and off we went to play together in a 4 some with my regular playmate.
Less spoons used up and objective achieved! |
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"Why aren't the men who whinge about nobody meeting them going there?
Maybe they are 🤔
If they're anything like me, they'll be spreading themselves thinly - that doesn't stop anyone from complaining though, especially if they paid for a gold upgrade.
The most success I ever had with no-strings hooking up was on a site called Faceparty (does it still exist?), but even regular dating sites have more scope than this place.
People get confused. Being a swinger is different from being a hook-up. Lol! Is different from BDSM is different from kink and fetish is different from dating.
To some people it's all the same thing...a way to get laid."
Totally agree on this. If I just wanted an easy hook up, while this place does have a lot of people looking for that, it's not what it is created for and not the easiest place to find that. Even for us women, as much as others may think it is. However, there are also plenty of people here who partake in swinging as a lifestyle and that's who I'm here for. I mostly tend to stay in touch with them through here rather than find them through here though. |
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By *ankay49 OP Man 3 weeks ago
Bermondsey |
"
Oh yeah I miss stuff all the time....which is why I go to club/party/event because the framework is there for people to ask people if they "would like to play" anywhere else my brain is focused on something else.
I don't need to know if they will say yes or no but I know it's not weird for me to ask.
I literally went up to a few guys in France in the spa and said Voulez Vous and pointed to my pussy and I got 2 yes and one no and off we went to play together in a 4 some with my regular playmate.
Less spoons used up and objective achieved!"
Are people generally this casual about things at clubs? If so, maybe that’s where I need to be, I guess everyone’s in a place where you’re already in the mood.
Another thing I forget is that often, men come on this site already “in the mood” and it can cloud their judgement and make them speak in ways that maybe aren’t the most appropriate, and naturally, is off putting for a lot of women (particular if they’re not in the mood at that time), I make the mistake myself too.
Hmm i think i need someone to introduce me to a club, i don’t know anything about the niceties in swingers clubs, which is part of my anxiety with that |
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"
Oh yeah I miss stuff all the time....which is why I go to club/party/event because the framework is there for people to ask people if they "would like to play" anywhere else my brain is focused on something else.
I don't need to know if they will say yes or no but I know it's not weird for me to ask.
I literally went up to a few guys in France in the spa and said Voulez Vous and pointed to my pussy and I got 2 yes and one no and off we went to play together in a 4 some with my regular playmate.
Less spoons used up and objective achieved!
Are people generally this casual about things at clubs? If so, maybe that’s where I need to be, I guess everyone’s in a place where you’re already in the mood.
Another thing I forget is that often, men come on this site already “in the mood” and it can cloud their judgement and make them speak in ways that maybe aren’t the most appropriate, and naturally, is off putting for a lot of women (particular if they’re not in the mood at that time), I make the mistake myself too.
Hmm i think i need someone to introduce me to a club, i don’t know anything about the niceties in swingers clubs, which is part of my anxiety with that "
It really depends on the individual. I prefer a bit of getting to know each other in a club still. I won't be offended by offers of play off the bat but it will get a no, even if that may have been different had we got to know each other a little. Some people are up for going off to play just from liking the look of each other and more power to them.
In terms of knowing the etiquette, most clubs have information on the website and many do a tour where they go over the rules and staff will be happy to answer any questions. |
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By *ankay49 OP Man 3 weeks ago
Bermondsey |
"
In terms of knowing the etiquette, most clubs have information on the website and many do a tour where they go over the rules and staff will be happy to answer any questions."
Nice, thank you for this |
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"
Oh yeah I miss stuff all the time....which is why I go to club/party/event because the framework is there for people to ask people if they "would like to play" anywhere else my brain is focused on something else.
I don't need to know if they will say yes or no but I know it's not weird for me to ask.
I literally went up to a few guys in France in the spa and said Voulez Vous and pointed to my pussy and I got 2 yes and one no and off we went to play together in a 4 some with my regular playmate.
Less spoons used up and objective achieved!
Are people generally this casual about things at clubs? If so, maybe that’s where I need to be, I guess everyone’s in a place where you’re already in the mood.
Another thing I forget is that often, men come on this site already “in the mood” and it can cloud their judgement and make them speak in ways that maybe aren’t the most appropriate, and naturally, is off putting for a lot of women (particular if they’re not in the mood at that time), I make the mistake myself too.
Hmm i think i need someone to introduce me to a club, i don’t know anything about the niceties in swingers clubs, which is part of my anxiety with that "
Not everyone is that casual and best practice is to strike up a conversation about whether they are regulars, what other clubs/events and parties they have been to and/or what made them come out tonight.
In France we were in a resort nudist village in a swingers spa with people having sex all around us so people are less inhibited.
Not all nudists are swingers and not all swingers are nudists.
It takes practice to read the body language and to build confidence in yourself to do that.
And also deal with the rejection if someone says no.
I'd be lying if I say it's easy and I've been going to clubs for over 2 years and I still have wobbles and there are days when the low libido hits and I'm in a club and just want to sit around and watch and do nothing. |
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"Why aren't the men who whinge about nobody meeting them going there?
Maybe they are 🤔
If they're anything like me, they'll be spreading themselves thinly - that doesn't stop anyone from complaining though, especially if they paid for a gold upgrade.
The most success I ever had with no-strings hooking up was on a site called Faceparty (does it still exist?), but even regular dating sites have more scope than this place.
People get confused. Being a swinger is different from being a hook-up. Lol! Is different from BDSM is different from kink and fetish is different from dating.
To some people it's all the same thing...a way to get laid.
Totally agree on this. If I just wanted an easy hook up, while this place does have a lot of people looking for that, it's not what it is created for and not the easiest place to find that. Even for us women, as much as others may think it is. However, there are also plenty of people here who partake in swinging as a lifestyle and that's who I'm here for. I mostly tend to stay in touch with them through here rather than find them through here though."
As a straight woman, I've met a few couples on here but usually I only play with the man.
That said I managed to end up at a club with one of the couples and managed to meet their friends and we all ended up in the group room together. All the other women played with each other and the men played with all the women and a few of the men played with each other.
It was very hot and sexy and just..flowed even though I felt like the awkward odd one out. Lol! |
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By *ankay49 OP Man 3 weeks ago
Bermondsey |
" I'd be lying if I say it's easy and I've been going to clubs for over 2 years and I still have wobbles and there are days when the low libido hits and I'm in a club and just want to sit around and watch and do nothing."
This is all so super insightful as it’s all so new to me. Thanks again |
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