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Eurgh, other people
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By *eli OP Woman 2 days ago
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Do you think other people affect your Fab experience? Not asking about directly, more indirectly.
Like when men say other men have ruined it for them. Or if things aren't going well, it's because someone isn't x, y or z.
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I find it such an odd expression to make: “the behaviour of other guys on here has ruined my chances”.
Like, what were you doing before that is now suddenly ruined!? Lots of guys on here get meets, lots of guys socialise well with ladies & couples etc with no issues, so explain!? |
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No one affects or impedes my Fab experience.
I carve my own path on here and my experiences — good and not-so-good — are based on my actions and behaviours alone.
The unsavoury characters have no impact to my (rewarding) Fab journey. |
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By *eli OP Woman 2 days ago
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"I think its a blame game to be honest,people will always blame an outside circumstance rather than take ownership!"
Yay! I was slightly concerned my post was unclear. :D
What if external factors do have an influence? I do think people are increasingly unwilling to take ownership but at the same time - other people experiencing shitty behaviour, then become cynical, that could happen. |
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By *WB85Man 2 days ago
Staffordshire |
If it counts, it used to really impact my day when I never got replies to messages. It can be a really mindset head fuck.
Actually though, that was my fault for messaging the wrong people and sending shit messages.
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By *eli OP Woman 2 days ago
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"I think you make your own experience - if youre a genuinely nice person i dont think what anyone else does shoukd affect you nor shoukd you let it... but thats just me  "
It won't just be you, don't worry. :D |
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"I think its a blame game to be honest,people will always blame an outside circumstance rather than take ownership!
Yay! I was slightly concerned my post was unclear. :D
What if external factors do have an influence? I do think people are increasingly unwilling to take ownership but at the same time - other people experiencing shitty behaviour, then become cynical, that could happen."
I get that but then everyone experiences are different, its as good as you make it, if your nice to others they will be nice back, the ones that arent well then they arent worth anyone time, outside factors can only affect so much. |
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No.
I try not to let opinions of even the people i know and like effect me. No way an opinion of a stranger will bother me.
My experience of Fab is in my hands.
If I am not getting meets or interactions then that is down to me. My persona online, my bio, my pics, my situation, my red flag waving statuses. Which are often just me poking a bear anyway !
It is nobody elses fault but my own. |
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By *eli OP Woman 2 days ago
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"I find it such an odd expression to make: “the behaviour of other guys on here has ruined my chances”.
Like, what were you doing before that is now suddenly ruined!? Lots of guys on here get meets, lots of guys socialise well with ladies & couples etc with no issues, so explain!? "
Ha, well... let's say there's Bob. Bob breaks boundaries and is a brief squib of a fuck. Women decide they don't want to meet Bobs because of Bob. Has Bob ruined it for Bobs?
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I don't think anything really ruins our experience indirectly or directly , sure there are some things that are slightly frustrating but it doesn't ruin it for us.... The only thing that's ruining our experience is us 🤣🤣 and it's simply we aren't meet verified yet , but we have a club visit coming up so hopefully this changes. |
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My past experiences with men on here has an effect on how I interact with other men going forward, so in that respect I guess outside influences do play a part. So I expect the behaviour of other women probably has an influence in how men interact with me (and everyone else, not just me specifically).
But I don't go around saying "woe is me, I can't get a shag because other women have fucked it for me" or any of that nonsense. |
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I have times I've been sent some awful messages and sometimes they do upset me but I've told to TheHusband and sometimes TheBF for a bit of reassurance, those kinds of messages put me off being on here and I'll filter messages so no one new can message me. I prefer forums to be honest |
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By *eli OP Woman 2 days ago
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"If it counts, it used to really impact my day when I never got replies to messages. It can be a really mindset head fuck.
Actually though, that was my fault for messaging the wrong people and sending shit messages.
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Absolutely it counts.
I think that kind of feeling must be pretty disheartening and can understand why people look outwards rather than gentle navel gazing. It takes a lot to say actually, it's me. I'm the problem. |
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For me, my experience on here (and any kind of dating) has mainly been down to me.
Of course I’ve had some less-than-great interactions, both in messages and in person. But instead of just blaming men for those, I’ve spent time looking at what I can do differently.
That’s meant getting better at holding my boundaries, trusting my intuition, and only meeting people when it genuinely feels right and I’m confident they’ll respect those boundaries.
Other people exist in this space, obviously, but how I filter, respond, and choose who to engage with has had a much bigger impact on my overall experience. |
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"I find it such an odd expression to make: “the behaviour of other guys on here has ruined my chances”.
Like, what were you doing before that is now suddenly ruined!? Lots of guys on here get meets, lots of guys socialise well with ladies & couples etc with no issues, so explain!?
Ha, well... let's say there's Bob. Bob breaks boundaries and is a brief squib of a fuck. Women decide they don't want to meet Bobs because of Bob. Has Bob ruined it for Bobs?
"
I mean Bob… now there’s a story
IYKYK
Anyway hell no. I can fuck up my fab life quite happily all by myself OP 😘 |
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By *eli OP Woman 2 days ago
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"My past experiences with men on here has an effect on how I interact with other men going forward, so in that respect I guess outside influences do play a part. So I expect the behaviour of other women probably has an influence in how men interact with me (and everyone else, not just me specifically).
But I don't go around saying "woe is me, I can't get a shag because other women have fucked it for me" or any of that nonsense. "
Yes! That's very true. You learn certain responses or adapt/adopt others. It's extraordinarily rare that anyone would approach another and it's a complete tabula rasa for both. |
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Yes, everything everyone else does has some sort of effect. That's why community organising is important, although it's incredibly under-valued in the swinging world.
Vague "some men have ruined it for the rest of us" posts are usually virtue-signalling, but it is essentially true - the behaviour of some men (yes, also some women and some couples) does stop many women from pursuing their desires/kinks/fantasies more openly, and if we can minimise/stop that then it's better for all of us. |
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"I find it such an odd expression to make: “the behaviour of other guys on here has ruined my chances”.
Like, what were you doing before that is now suddenly ruined!? Lots of guys on here get meets, lots of guys socialise well with ladies & couples etc with no issues, so explain!?
Ha, well... let's say there's Bob. Bob breaks boundaries and is a brief squib of a fuck. Women decide they don't want to meet Bobs because of Bob. Has Bob ruined it for Bobs?
"
Please forgive me for saying this, but the way you have worded that is almost akin to a philosophical question. 😂
But to answer back, has Bob ruined it for other Bobs? I’ll put that out to the audience! |
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By *Effy-Woman 2 days ago
Scotland |
"I find it such an odd expression to make: “the behaviour of other guys on here has ruined my chances”.
Like, what were you doing before that is now suddenly ruined!? Lots of guys on here get meets, lots of guys socialise well with ladies & couples etc with no issues, so explain!?
Ha, well... let's say there's Bob. Bob breaks boundaries and is a brief squib of a fuck. Women decide they don't want to meet Bobs because of Bob. Has Bob ruined it for Bobs"
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By *eli OP Woman 2 days ago
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"I guess the reason my filters are closed is because enough men made it too unpleasant to keep them open. I’m not quite sure if that’s the sort of thing you mean though."
Yes. I chose the more easily discussed "everyone makes it crap" for me idea but... it's a great example of when the behaviours of others will have had an effect on your behaviour and experience. Thank you for bringing it up  |
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I'm thinking of what indirect situations could negatively affect my Fab life 🤔
I've had where people have cancelled on me due to life stuff which in itself, happens to everyone but I went through a phase of it happening in quick succession which impacted my confidence in organising meets for quite a while. Other than that, I can't think of much else that's affected it. |
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By *eli OP Woman 2 days ago
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"Yes, everything everyone else does has some sort of effect. That's why community organising is important, although it's incredibly under-valued in the swinging world.
Vague "some men have ruined it for the rest of us" posts are usually virtue-signalling, but it is essentially true - the behaviour of some men (yes, also some women and some couples) does stop many women from pursuing their desires/kinks/fantasies more openly, and if we can minimise/stop that then it's better for all of us."
What would community organising look like in the swinging world? As in, what kind of methods could be employed?
I do think there's possible truth to it which is how the thread came about - I can think of various examples of where other people do have an effect. Minimising poor behaviour would be wonderful but swinging is a far way off from being utopian. |
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By *eli OP Woman 2 days ago
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"Ha, well... let's say there's Bob. Bob breaks boundaries and is a brief squib of a fuck. Women decide they don't want to meet Bobs because of Bob. Has Bob ruined it for Bobs?
Please forgive me for saying this, but the way you have worded that is almost akin to a philosophical question. 😂
But to answer back, has Bob ruined it for other Bobs? I’ll put that out to the audience! "
I'm in a daft mood, far too much sun and flirting. 😄 Bob could be applied to lots of situations. Bob bob. |
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I'm just here for the banter, flirting, occasional socials and the tits. So many tits. If I get a meet, happy days. But I'm not expecting it or entitled to it. Sometimes I ruin things by opening my mouth. I find it difficult to read situations sometimes. I'm not sure about other people ruining it for me. Self destruction is a character trait for some of us. |
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By *iver78Man 2 days ago
barton upon humber |
I dont let anyone else ruin anything for me ever I have a few good friends on here , iv had some strange message of people on here , but I know there knobs who probably wouldent even look me in the eye in real life , so just makes me chuckle knowing im living rent free in there heads lol |
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"I'm just here for the banter, flirting, occasional socials and the tits. So many tits. If I get a meet, happy days. But I'm not expecting it or entitled to it. Sometimes I ruin things by opening my mouth. I find it difficult to read situations sometimes. I'm not sure about other people ruining it for me. Self destruction is a character trait for some of us."
I can relate to this.
My idea of humour often gets taken too seriously.
In my head it's obviously sarcasm, but it doesn't always get interpreted that way. |
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Well if you read a lot of forum threads it does. E.g.
Men behaving badly may make women more cautious.
Women becoming more cautious may mean genuine men get fewer replies.
Fake profiles may make everyone more suspicious.
(Purported!) Clique behaviour may make newcomers feel excluded.
Sure we can only control our own behaviour, but I think it’s a bit naive to think that other people’s actions don’t affect how Fab feels, particularly on the forum. The overall vibe changes. |
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By *iver78Man 2 days ago
barton upon humber |
These forums are quite clique but I have found mist people interact via the reply to post privately which I like but does show people dont want to go against the majority which is sad , but as with all social media people " white night in the hope of attention " and to be in " in the the in crowed lol |
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"Ha, well... let's say there's Bob. Bob breaks boundaries and is a brief squib of a fuck. Women decide they don't want to meet Bobs because of Bob. Has Bob ruined it for Bobs?
Please forgive me for saying this, but the way you have worded that is almost akin to a philosophical question. 😂
But to answer back, has Bob ruined it for other Bobs? I’ll put that out to the audience!
I'm in a daft mood, far too much sun and flirting. 😄 Bob could be applied to lots of situations. Bob bob."
That’s true, does make sense when you think about it! And daft moods are fun! 😀 |
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By *eli OP Woman 2 days ago
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"I quite like the stupidity of other people. It means I can just behave like a normal person and that is apparently enough to standout.
The more idiots the better as far as I am concerned."
That's a very good way of looking at it. Bring on the dicks it is. |
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Over the years I've had people tell me that they were going to influence my fab journey in a negative way both directly and indirectly.
I'm still here so I'm guessing that circle of theirs isn't as effective as they assumed.
It's probably pretty obvious from my forum engagement that I paddle my own canoe regardless of the fab and particularly the fab forum currents.
I was never cynical before joining this site but I've given up trying to understand the need for validation or the desire to remain relevant and how that causes people to act and react on here.
I've never seen fab as a community, a lifestyle choice or a competition.
If I'm not competing with other men then whatever they do or don't do is irrelevant as far as I'm concerned and doesn't influence my engagement or affect my experience. |
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My time gets affected by time wasters who don't show up, or ghost after a while.
I try not to get bothered by other people on here. If they're not chatting to me, or planning a meet, I'm oblivious |
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I would say that Fab has offered me way more positive experiences than it has negative
I say that more as both a former regular forumite and as a historically random shagger
As for other men, nah - in the majority everyone will have their own outlook, their own approach and their own goals
It's never been a competition for me - I'm most content ambling away in my own little bubble |
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By *eli OP Woman 2 days ago
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"It's definitely made me more cautious, and I was pretty cautious beforehand. "
Genuinely sorry to read it, it's one of the crap results I've seen before. And people becoming more cynical over time. |
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By *eli OP Woman 2 days ago
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"My time gets affected by time wasters who don't show up, or ghost after a while.
I try not to get bothered by other people on here. If they're not chatting to me, or planning a meet, I'm oblivious "
Has that led to you approaching things differently? This is the kind of thing I was looking for, not tales of people outwardly trying to affect someone's experience or random people not having a general effect.
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"Not really they can do them and I will do me  "
I'll do you 😉
Sorry off topic....
My attitude to fab has certainly changed over the years more than anything, before I would be affected by being passed over or ignored on threads, messages ignored etc, now I'm a lot more care free and it is what is is so to speak. I'm in charge of my experience on here noone else. |
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"Yes, everything everyone else does has some sort of effect. That's why community organising is important, although it's incredibly under-valued in the swinging world.
Vague "some men have ruined it for the rest of us" posts are usually virtue-signalling, but it is essentially true - the behaviour of some men (yes, also some women and some couples) does stop many women from pursuing their desires/kinks/fantasies more openly, and if we can minimise/stop that then it's better for all of us.
What would community organising look like in the swinging world? As in, what kind of methods could be employed?
I do think there's possible truth to it which is how the thread came about - I can think of various examples of where other people do have an effect. Minimising poor behaviour would be wonderful but swinging is a far way off from being utopian."
In the BDSM world (which has its own problems and isn't perfect by any means) education is considered important and there are regular events about teaching and knowledge-sharing - e.g. if you want to get into rope, go to a rope session.
Maybe we should be doing the same with gangbangs? "The theory and practice of manifold cock" 🤔
I'm not wed to that idea, but I think it's silly to expect people to "just know" how to act - there are a bunch of short-cuts we have in the vanilla, monogamous world (e.g. "don't fuck someone else's wife") that don't apply here - and as a community we could be better at.. I dunno, on-boarding people? And that would in turn lead to better outcomes for all of us. |
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By *eli OP Woman 2 days ago
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"Well if you read a lot of forum threads it does. E.g.
Men behaving badly may make women more cautious.
Women becoming more cautious may mean genuine men get fewer replies.
Fake profiles may make everyone more suspicious.
(Purported!) Clique behaviour may make newcomers feel excluded.
Sure we can only control our own behaviour, but I think it’s a bit naive to think that other people’s actions don’t affect how Fab feels, particularly on the forum. The overall vibe changes."
Yeah, I'd say that's a fair and thorough assessment, Luna. Before I'd have said no, the only actions that affect me are my own but it's a tad reductionist. For me. Other people might be different. Maybe. |
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"Do you think other people affect your Fab experience? Not asking about directly, more indirectly.
Like when men say other men have ruined it for them. Or if things aren't going well, it's because someone isn't x, y or z.
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i be polite if message if goes on more great if not i understand |
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By *4bimMan 2 days ago
Farnborough Hampshire |
not just fab. life in general.
people use you for their own ends which is why it is important to quickly workout who is best for you.
same with fab, anyone pushy, rude or making a comment i dislike they are gone never to return. being ruthless has served me well and saved me time.
people are just a dot on this planet, nothing more i quickly move on and that gives me more time for the right people.
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I definitely don't let other people's behaviour dictate how I treat someone new. Everyone gets a clean slate with me. That said, if I feel someone's being disingenuous, they tend to get short shrift. Sometimes politely... sometimes a little less so. I'm pretty good at spotting when something doesn't quite add up.  |
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By *iver78Man 2 days ago
barton upon humber |
"I'm way more wary of what information I share from having read of other people's experiences "
Tbf it is scary what just your phone number can bring to light!! I dont give mine out anymore |
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I try not to let fab and the people of fab affect me but how successful that is depends on how I’m doing overall in life. If I’m good I’m like batfink and crap bounces of my “ wings of steel” if I’m in a shitty place then it can knock my confidence further, and then I get annoyed at myself for allowing that to happen |
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By *adyBugsWoman 2 days ago
not local even if it says I am |
Not in the slightest Melilicious.
There’s a lot of cocks out there.
There’s a lot of fanny out there.
But I do my thing and they do theirs. Only one person is responsible for my experiences and their outcomes and that’s me. |
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By *adyBugsWoman 2 days ago
not local even if it says I am |
"Not in the slightest Melilicious.
There’s a lot of cocks out there.
There’s a lot of fanny out there.
But I do my thing and they do theirs. Only one person is responsible for my experiences and their outcomes and that’s me. "
I’m only like this now after a decade of being here. Before I would have taken a lot of things to heart like being stood up or ghosted. I don’t think that’s purely down to people of fab though, it’s just something I’ve learned to adapt to with age and knowing where is best to put my energy. |
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By *eli OP Woman 2 days ago
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"The more I read on here what goes through the minds of men the more i feel I’ve stumbled across gay conversion therapy.
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Haha, yeah, I'm frequently reminded me that my sexuality isn't a choice. |
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We are a product of our time, everything nowadays both online and real needs to be viewed with scrutiny, there is a saying ….. make your bed ….. and what does that mean? It means tidy house tidy mind, fix what you can fix and finish what you’ve started, so I don’t let other people’s thoughts or actions ruin what could be an amazing day, if they are a twat, let them be |
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"Do you think other people affect your Fab experience?"
Getting stood up more often than getting meets can give the confidence a hit. Half the advice is "you need to change the way you vet people" and the other half is "it's not you, it's them" but it still knocks you when other people *seem* to be getting meets left, right and centre. |
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My fab experience was altered some years back (old profile) when I met up with someone from here who was a more experienced swinger. She mentioned one of my friends in passing - I asked how did she know him.
She then told me she’s on a few large group chats with people (women, couples and men) from here, where they gossip about one another. She said they also share intimate photographs of people (who aren’t in the chat), or just share people’s private face pics to others etc. and that she felt she had to stay in the group incase they turned on her if she left the chat.
I had no idea that kind of thing happened. It really made me keep my distance from the more hardened swingers from this site from that point on. I no longer share personal details and have little interest in forming any kind of friendship after that. |
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"Do you think other people affect your Fab experience? Not asking about directly, more indirectly.
Like when men say other men have ruined it for them. Or if things aren't going well, it's because someone isn't x, y or z.
"
Will be taking a break for precisely this reason.  |
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Has that led to you approaching things differently? This is the kind of thing I was looking for, not tales of people outwardly trying to affect someone's experience or random people not having a general effect.
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Kinda, but its not like I can use some planned approach for conversations to them out. If there is some magic formula, I don't know it.
I have my list of non-negotiables, and I will try to get answer to those. Distance, safe sex vs bb, sexual interests and availability.
I still get plenty of time wasters, but try not to tar the male population with the same brush just cos a few men can't be honest.
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