FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swinging Support and Advice > Different rules for each person. (Couples)
Different rules for each person. (Couples)
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By (user no longer on site) OP 11 weeks ago
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Question.
As we have delved into playing separately recently, we have been evolving wit our rules and boundaries and I have wanted to speak with others about their views on this.....
Do both of you in a couple, have the same rules for each other.
Ie. is one person allowed to do things with others that another person is not.
Is this by their choice or is it that one person is comfortable and the other isn't.
Should rules be equal at all times?
Has anyone told the other they can do things because they are genuinely comfortable with it but feel a little miffed that they can't also experience it?
Should you let them do it anyway because you don't mind, or stop them because otherwise it's unequal?
And (on the flip side) is it right to do something if youre not comfortable with the other person doing the same, even if they give you permission? |
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By *bflirtyCouple 11 weeks ago
Milton Keynes |
When we started Alicia was allowed to whatever she wanted and I was soft swap only - neither of us could kiss with tongues. After a couple of years when Alicia felt more secure the rules were dropped.
At any time one of us can say "no" to a situation and that will be the end of it. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP 11 weeks ago
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"No, the rules aren't equal.
If you want them equal, then set the same as your spouse requests.
Don't forget, rules evolve and change as time goes by too. "
So. For perspective.
Your OH tells you you can stay over at a hotel for the night with another person (for example)
You want to. But the idea of your OH sleeping in a bed with someone else makes you feel sick.
You do it because they said it was ok, you have a great time and thoroughly enjoy every bit of that freedom you are given.
And then weeks later they start to hint that you did it so they would like to also and that if feels unfair otherwise .....
How does that sit?
Assuming the rest of your relationship is tight AF and you've always been open and honest.
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"No, the rules aren't equal.
If you want them equal, then set the same as your spouse requests.
Don't forget, rules evolve and change as time goes by too.
So. For perspective.
Your OH tells you you can stay over at a hotel for the night with another person (for example)
You want to. But the idea of your OH sleeping in a bed with someone else makes you feel sick.
You do it because they said it was ok, you have a great time and thoroughly enjoy every bit of that freedom you are given.
And then weeks later they start to hint that you did it so they would like to also and that if feels unfair otherwise .....
How does that sit?
Assuming the rest of your relationship is tight AF and you've always been open and honest.
"
Then it would be unfair of him to use that against you.
You can't give to hope to change the boundaries of the other.
I have more rules because I'm jealous and he's not. |
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"
Then it would be unfair of him to use that against you.
You can't give to hope to change the boundaries of the other.
I have more rules because I'm jealous and he's not. "
What makes you think it would be him using it against his partner ? More likely it would be her using it against her partner. |
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For us, the rules and boundaries work with what we are comfortable with and what we are looking for, they also sometimes change.
I (Ms) am free to do as I like aslong as he is present (we've tried solo but it didn't have the right oomph honestly), anal isn't allowed.
For him, he's soft swap only.
However, over time, we've met people he's felt comfortable going further with and so in those handful of moments, those rules have been dropped. Anal has also been on the table for trusted guys we've met.
Our general rules still apply in *most* cases and we are happy with them. They work for us. The idea of having "equal rules" doesn't fit our interests because he isn't bi, it wouldn't work within our main preferences and because we don't want to.
Along as your rules and boundaries work for you both, nothing else really matters |
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"
Then it would be unfair of him to use that against you.
You can't give to hope to change the boundaries of the other.
I have more rules because I'm jealous and he's not.
What makes you think it would be him using it against his partner ? More likely it would be her using it against her partner."
I wasn't assuming about the poster, but applying to my own situation of me setting more rules (fem) |
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By *hoirCouple 11 weeks ago
Clacton/Bury St. Edmunds |
We don't have differing rules but then we talk about everything so we approach everything different each time.
This could change with a new 24 hour rule we are thinking of.
C |
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By (user no longer on site) OP 10 weeks ago
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So.
Out of interest then.
If you could go out getting d*unk with your mates every Friday, and had a great time, but your partner said 'I wanna go out this weekend with my mates drinking' and the other half said well I don't feel comfortable with you doing that because I don't want to be on my own with the kids and I don't trust your mates not to give you drugs and I can't sleep when you're not home.... Etc etc
Would you respect that decision. Or would you be pretty miffed that it seemed a little controlling when they take that pleasure on a regular basis and you've done nothing to untrustworthy.
I'm genuinely just trying to see other perspectives and stay open minded..... I know everybody is different  |
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"So.
Out of interest then.
If you could go out getting d*unk with your mates every Friday, and had a great time, but your partner said 'I wanna go out this weekend with my mates drinking' and the other half said well I don't feel comfortable with you doing that because I don't want to be on my own with the kids and I don't trust your mates not to give you drugs and I can't sleep when you're not home.... Etc etc
Would you respect that decision. Or would you be pretty miffed that it seemed a little controlling when they take that pleasure on a regular basis and you've done nothing to untrustworthy.
I'm genuinely just trying to see other perspectives and stay open minded..... I know everybody is different "
That sounds extremely controlling |
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"So.
Out of interest then.
If you could go out getting d*unk with your mates every Friday, and had a great time, but your partner said 'I wanna go out this weekend with my mates drinking' and the other half said well I don't feel comfortable with you doing that because I don't want to be on my own with the kids and I don't trust your mates not to give you drugs and I can't sleep when you're not home.... Etc etc
Would you respect that decision. Or would you be pretty miffed that it seemed a little controlling when they take that pleasure on a regular basis and you've done nothing to untrustworthy.
I'm genuinely just trying to see other perspectives and stay open minded..... I know everybody is different "
Yea that's a completely different scenario to what u gave before. Controlling. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP 10 weeks ago
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"
Yea that's a completely different scenario to what u gave before. Controlling. "
What is it that makes it so different?
Both are an act of enjoying yourself outside of your relationship, with other people, to get a bit of a dopamine hit. To feel good, to let go and relax.
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By (user no longer on site) OP 10 weeks ago
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"
I have more rules because I'm jealous and he's not. "
So, have you never once felt bad that your spouse is giving you undeniably wonderful experiences and trusting you, and you don't reciprocate the trust and wanting them to enjoy the same experiences?
Not a dig, I'm asking respectfully to try and understand.
My viewpoint currently stands that if someone was kind and trusting enough to allow me to do something that I knew they would love too , I woudlnt do it unless I could reciprocate that for them or something similar at least. |
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"I don't think it's tit for tat with this kinda stuff "
I agree. Two people in a swinging relationship don't necessarily move at the same speed. They may never want exactly the same thing as the other. It's up to the individual couple to decide if each person is free to do as they wish, or not. That can only come through good communication. |
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"
Yea that's a completely different scenario to what u gave before. Controlling.
What is it that makes it so different?
Both are an act of enjoying yourself outside of your relationship, with other people, to get a bit of a dopamine hit. To feel good, to let go and relax.
"
One is setting open relationship boundaries. The other is not allowing your spouse out to see her friends. |
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"
I have more rules because I'm jealous and he's not.
So, have you never once felt bad that your spouse is giving you undeniably wonderful experiences and trusting you, and you don't reciprocate the trust and wanting them to enjoy the same experiences?
Not a dig, I'm asking respectfully to try and understand.
My viewpoint currently stands that if someone was kind and trusting enough to allow me to do something that I knew they would love too , I woudlnt do it unless I could reciprocate that for them or something similar at least. "
No I don't feel bad. And it's not about trust either. There's two feelings experienced when in an open relationship. Jealousy or Conpersion.
We have both met people separately, just under different boundaries. |
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By (user no longer on site) 10 weeks ago
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"
One is setting open relationship boundaries. The other is not allowing your spouse out to see her friends. "
I am totally with easygoingcouple, we have a very similar dynamic in which I can play with guys or couples and he watches, this was his idea initially and although our roles have evolved and changed over time, he doesn’t get to play, unless it’s specific circumstances, such as a dominant woman teasing him.
The other example red fox gave is controlling behaviour outside of swinging and can be compared to what’s agreed within swinging  x |
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By (user no longer on site) OP 10 weeks ago
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"
The other example red fox gave is controlling behaviour outside of swinging and can be compared to what’s agreed within swinging x"
I assume you meant 'CANT' be compared.
But thankyou all for your comments. It's very much appreciated.
Perhaps I am in the wrong here. I would never want to be manipulative or unfair.
I feel personally that the people I have seen ARE my friends. I don't do girls nights out. I very rarely hang out with anybody tbh and when I enjoy somebody's company, it's usually make, so for me, it's very much like going to hang out with a friend, but theres just hot sex involved. That's why I used that comparison (even though I see why it's 'different)
And also why my other thread was asking how you differentiate between 'FWB' and having more than that with someone.
It's all ever evolving and as an overthinker and an empath I'm always worrying about hurting people and why we do things.
Time to reevaluate
I really appreciate you all thankyou xx
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I think in the example you've given it would be beneficial to break down the various elements to see where that partner's concerns arise from. Why do they not want to be on their own with the children? Why can't they sleep while the other is out? Why do they think the friends of their partner will give them drugs? These fears must arise from somewhere and it may take a bit of compromise, or taking things in small steps to get past them.
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At the end of the day, if what you are doing isn't enhancing your relationship for both of you, it's probably not right.
Fucking vanilla friends on nights out doesn't sound right.
There's so many couples out there in this lifestyle for the wrong reasons and it'll only end badly |
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By (user no longer on site) OP 10 weeks ago
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" Why do they not want to be on their own with the children? Why can't they sleep while the other is out? Etc....
"
This was theoretical. But I guess it can relate to hanging out with other playfriends too.
I guess my actual situation crosses over both examples and I should ask
'Why does he not feel comfortable with me hanging out with someone after sex and grabbing a take away before coming home after driving an hour to see them..... but he's comfortable going for drinks on a weekly basis with his FWB and staying over at hotels and going to sex clubs with them because I have no desire to go to clubs and allow him that pleasure because I'm ok with it '
Maybe.?
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" Why do they not want to be on their own with the children? Why can't they sleep while the other is out? Etc....
This was theoretical. But I guess it can relate to hanging out with other playfriends too.
I guess my actual situation crosses over both examples and I should ask
'Why does he not feel comfortable with me hanging out with someone after sex and grabbing a take away before coming home after driving an hour to see them..... but he's comfortable going for drinks on a weekly basis with his FWB and staying over at hotels and going to sex clubs with them because I have no desire to go to clubs and allow him that pleasure because I'm ok with it '
Maybe.?
"
Sounds like your relationship is completely open and your experiences are always completely separate and not to enhance the ones you have together?
I can't help you on that, that's different. |
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"
This was theoretical. But I guess it can relate to hanging out with other playfriends too.
I guess my actual situation crosses over both examples and I should ask
'Why does he not feel comfortable with me hanging out with someone after sex and grabbing a take away before coming home after driving an hour to see them..... but he's comfortable going for drinks on a weekly basis with his FWB and staying over at hotels and going to sex clubs with them because I have no desire to go to clubs and allow him that pleasure because I'm ok with it '
Maybe.?
"
Was the guy someone new or had you both met him before and got to know him ?. Our first thought is that your male half simply loves you and hence is naturally concerned for you with someone new. There is the other side too, does he feel insecure in your relationship and worried you might develop dangerous feelings for the other guy ?.... We've just discussed this from our point of view, I'd be happy with Cherry going off for the night with someone we'd already met a few times and trusted. No problem if she has a meal afterwards and stays over with him either. I've had a couple of FWB's too and those relationships lasted a few months each. I stayed over in hotels, had meals out with them etc. Cherry rightly had no worries, doubts, fears or concerns whatsoever. Yes feelings were involved too but she knew she'd ALWAYS be No1. |
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I was with a couple last week, I a 4sum, fmfm. The husband was fuck my GF's ass.
His wife said she did not do anal. That was fine with my friend and I, part of the reason we play around is to get what the other does not give. So yes there are a few thing we do with others that we do not do at home. |
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It would be different for every couple and would also depend on their dynamics.
We like and enjoy the same things sexually so we are both on the same page with our boundaries.
I think it would be unfair tho for one person to do whatever they wanted and then have issues if the other person wanted to do the same. That seems like a one sided and selfish way to be.. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP 10 weeks ago
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"
Sounds like your relationship is completely open and your experiences are always completely separate and not to enhance the ones you have together?
I can't help you on that, that's different. "
What is the difference between having an open relationship, and a couple swinging together and then having one or two people you trust and fuck separately on the side?
When does it become 'open'?
We want to play separately but I also don't want to fuck randoms off fab who I don't know or care for.
I get nothing from fucking someone with no connection and hense I let him go to clubs because he enjoys it and I don't.
So I put my worries aside for him to do something that makes him happy. I guess from his perspective there are feelings involved which makes it more risky, but he also built a strong relationship with the girl he takes to clubs as he won't go alone.
And in reply to another comment. He has met one of my playfriends and we have all played together with another girl and as MFM.
The other person I saw started out saying he would like to play all together but then decided they didn't want to - and I can see why this was frustrating for my partner but it was never a requirement I just posed the idea as 'it would be nice if we did'
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You might be ok to put your worries aside so that he can do things, but your partner might not be quite there yet. Which brings me back to what I previously posted. You need to address his fears together and figure out if there's a way to move forward and if so, how. |
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By *WB85Man 10 weeks ago
Staffordshire |
we both have the same rules list and we make sure we stick to it.
Its easy to get carried away in the moment.
If you start having different rules for one another it can crate jealousy and problems....which non of us need. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP 10 weeks ago
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"Instead of asking us, go ask him.
His feelings are surely more important than you fucking your mates?"
Absolutely. But our conversations go round and round to no conclusion other than to stop it altogether. Which we can absolutely do- because we are #1 priority.
However not only is it difficult once you've opened pandoras box (Maybe not for some but ita definitely a thing) but also I don't want to take away from him something that he clearly enjoys and a friend that he had confided a lot in (or mine)
I'd really like to make it work but I think it's quite apparent that I am in the wrong and it's not going to.
Sometimes I need a little outsider perspective is all.
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This is an interesting topic. There are some things my partner doesn't want to see me do but he is happy if I take the guy into a separate room if that's what the other guy wants. Otherwise we can do what we like. Lx |
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" I think it's quite apparent that I am in the wrong
"
I (Mrs) don't think you're in the wrong here.... it's a shame that you seem to not get anywhere when you talk about it. Could you try and address it in a different way? In writing maybe?
You're giving him ALOT of freedom and I don't think you're asking for equal freedom in return but a reasonable adjustment.
Why is he not ok with you extending your visit and eating? Does that cross an intimacy boundary for him? Has he had a prior experience like this and it went 'wrong'? This is the area that needs unpicking IMO
For what it's worth I think it's also brave and strong of you to try and seek others POV
I hope you work it out
K
Xx |
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"I think it doesn't matter what others do.... as long as your rules work for you.
I've me couples where only one half is allowed to play, yet it seems to work for them x"
 the biggest and most important key to this working is communication. There may well be things that one partner may not want to necessarily take part in but being involved in the run up or being told about it after can be just as important to make that person still feel included in the journey instead of being kept in dark and constantly shut out. If the communication not there is just cheating, not swinging |
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By *rpeggioCouple 10 weeks ago
Baughurst |
"No, the rules aren't equal.
If you want them equal, then set the same as your spouse requests.
Don't forget, rules evolve and change as time goes by too.
So. For perspective.
Your OH tells you you can stay over at a hotel for the night with another person (for example)
You want to. But the idea of your OH sleeping in a bed with someone else makes you feel sick.
You do it because they said it was ok, you have a great time and thoroughly enjoy every bit of that freedom you are given.
And then weeks later they start to hint that you did it so they would like to also and that if feels unfair otherwise .....
How does that sit?
Assuming the rest of your relationship is tight AF and you've always been open and honest.
"
__
You should be asking this your OH and talking. You seem insecure, talking about freedom. Perhaps swinging is not for you if you agree to your OH do something that makes you feel sick. |
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By (user no longer on site) 10 weeks ago
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" Why do they not want to be on their own with the children? Why can't they sleep while the other is out? Etc....
This was theoretical. But I guess it can relate to hanging out with other playfriends too.
I guess my actual situation crosses over both examples and I should ask
'Why does he not feel comfortable with me hanging out with someone after sex and grabbing a take away before coming home after driving an hour to see them..... but he's comfortable going for drinks on a weekly basis with his FWB and staying over at hotels and going to sex clubs with them because I have no desire to go to clubs and allow him that pleasure because I'm ok with it '
Maybe.?
"
I totally get this. I was in an open relationship. Once he stayed over with another girl and that didn’t bother me at all. But when he told me later she cooked breakfast and he hung around a few hours I flipped. It felt like it crossed a boundary from playing to dating, I guess.
I read a lot at that stage about jealousy and open relationships, and why people get jealous. Basically there is one argument that jealousy isn’t a feeling in itself - it’s a reaction to another feeling. So you are jealous because you feel insecure, or you worry you miss out, or you think your lover might find someone else more interesting / fun / sexy. So my advice is try and figure out what really bothers your other half and deal with that.
One thing I did learn personally is that I couldn’t do a proper poly relationship with that specific partner. And I realised I probably wont be ok not being the primary partner in an open relationship. It’s definitely worth reading up on this.
Good luck xx |
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By *rpeggioCouple 10 weeks ago
Baughurst |
"Why do couples look at my profile when they say they only looking for other couples or females?"
__
Perhaps because you post here? sometimes we check the profiles of people that make comments that we like or dislike, agree, disagree etc. And I guess many people do the same and check our profile based on comments we make. |
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Communication is key to everything really, and being able to communicate in a really calm way.
Setting the rules before it but also being open to things changing and being able to discuss things that you weren't so keen on after it's happened in a really calm way
Ie I know we agreed you could play solo but now that you've done it once it doesn't make me feel good etc
If you both don't feel equally as in control and as respected as each other then this lifestyle is not going to work |
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"Why do couples look at my profile when they say they only looking for other couples or females?
__
Perhaps because you post here? sometimes we check the profiles of people that make comments that we like or dislike, agree, disagree etc. And I guess many people do the same and check our profile based on comments we make."
Yes we do this too. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP 10 weeks ago
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"
For what it's worth I think it's also brave and strong of you to try and seek others POV
I hope you work it out
K
Xx"
Thankyou. I very much appreciate that. I'm here to try my best to get it right, not to whinge or complain that it's unfair.
Maybe others have had the same issue. It's difficult when the only people you talk to about swinging is the people you're fucking and it's a turn off to talk about having predicaments so you don't want to bring it to them either.
We have talked a lot about why it crosses a boundary for him and it seems that it's an intimacy issue. He LOVES watching me get fucked. But the idea of me being 'cutesy' or 'romantic' with someone is a guy twister for him.
The thing is though, I don't do romantic. I'm the least cute person in the world. I'm more likely to be wrestling someone to the floor for the last chicken wing than holding hands over a dinner table haha.
I just want to have a laugh and chill with them because they are my friends, but our 'relationships' are bound to texting and fucking, which is fine....but sometimes it's just nice to not fuck and dash every single time, especially when he's enjoying going for drinks and hotel stays and going for lunch.
I don't WANT to have to tell him to stop doing that because I genuinely don't mind. What I seem to mind is the inequality of the rules I guess. It feels really pretty of me to tell him to stop 'because I can't get my own way' - but I also can't turn off the frustration that I feel about it.
And if we stop everything. We both loose good friends. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP 10 weeks ago
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"
I totally get this. I was in an open relationship. Once he stayed over with another girl and that didn’t bother me at all. But when he told me later she cooked breakfast and he hung around a few hours I flipped. It felt like it crossed a boundary from playing to dating, I guess.
I read a lot at that stage about jealousy and open relationships, and why people get jealous. Basically there is one argument that jealousy isn’t a feeling in itself - it’s a reaction to another feeling. So you are jealous because you feel insecure, or you worry you miss out, or you think your lover might find someone else more interesting / fun / sexy. So my advice is try and figure out what really bothers your other half and deal with that.
Good luck xx"
This is really helpful and nice to hear. Thankyou x |
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"
For what it's worth I think it's also brave and strong of you to try and seek others POV
I hope you work it out
K
Xx
Thankyou. I very much appreciate that. I'm here to try my best to get it right, not to whinge or complain that it's unfair.
Maybe others have had the same issue. It's difficult when the only people you talk to about swinging is the people you're fucking and it's a turn off to talk about having predicaments so you don't want to bring it to them either.
We have talked a lot about why it crosses a boundary for him and it seems that it's an intimacy issue. He LOVES watching me get fucked. But the idea of me being 'cutesy' or 'romantic' with someone is a guy twister for him.
The thing is though, I don't do romantic. I'm the least cute person in the world. I'm more likely to be wrestling someone to the floor for the last chicken wing than holding hands over a dinner table haha.
I just want to have a laugh and chill with them because they are my friends, but our 'relationships' are bound to texting and fucking, which is fine....but sometimes it's just nice to not fuck and dash every single time, especially when he's enjoying going for drinks and hotel stays and going for lunch.
I don't WANT to have to tell him to stop doing that because I genuinely don't mind. What I seem to mind is the inequality of the rules I guess. It feels really pretty of me to tell him to stop 'because I can't get my own way' - but I also can't turn off the frustration that I feel about it.
And if we stop everything. We both loose good friends. "
Perhaps together you need to find a compromise, a small step initially that your partner could be comfortable with. Or you tear up your current rule book and go back to basics, start all over again. If your relationship is the most important thing, and you want swinging to remain a part of that, you need to find a way that works for both of you. |
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"
For what it's worth I think it's also brave and strong of you to try and seek others POV
I hope you work it out
K
Xx
Thankyou. I very much appreciate that. I'm here to try my best to get it right, not to whinge or complain that it's unfair.
Maybe others have had the same issue. It's difficult when the only people you talk to about swinging is the people you're fucking and it's a turn off to talk about having predicaments so you don't want to bring it to them either.
We have talked a lot about why it crosses a boundary for him and it seems that it's an intimacy issue. He LOVES watching me get fucked. But the idea of me being 'cutesy' or 'romantic' with someone is a guy twister for him.
The thing is though, I don't do romantic. I'm the least cute person in the world. I'm more likely to be wrestling someone to the floor for the last chicken wing than holding hands over a dinner table haha.
I just want to have a laugh and chill with them because they are my friends, but our 'relationships' are bound to texting and fucking, which is fine....but sometimes it's just nice to not fuck and dash every single time, especially when he's enjoying going for drinks and hotel stays and going for lunch.
I don't WANT to have to tell him to stop doing that because I genuinely don't mind. What I seem to mind is the inequality of the rules I guess. It feels really pretty of me to tell him to stop 'because I can't get my own way' - but I also can't turn off the frustration that I feel about it.
And if we stop everything. We both loose good friends.
Perhaps together you need to find a compromise, a small step initially that your partner could be comfortable with. Or you tear up your current rule book and go back to basics, start all over again. If your relationship is the most important thing, and you want swinging to remain a part of that, you need to find a way that works for both of you. "
We have the same boundaries for each other, as frankly it seems unfair to do it any other way. If I want to do something then she should be able to do it too.
If I want to go out and fuck someone and hang out with them afterwards but would get jealous if she does the same, well boo fucking hoo for me. I need to either put my big boy pants on and deal with my jealousy, or I need to not do that thing myself.
As it happens neither of us really feel like playing without the other, she has but found it pretty unsatisfying, so it’s not an issue but if it comes up then what I said above goes. |
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I'm half a couple who meets seperately (although I'm not looking to meet just now, my choice).
We both have the same freedom with meets, my partner has stayed overnight in a hotel with a meet and I could too if I wanted to.
As long as we are both honest with the other if we want to meet someone and they know in advance, there would be no issues.
I wouldn't feel it's fair for one of us to be able to do more than the other, but that's just my take on it.
It's so hard to get meets with other couples and get that 4 way attraction which is why we kept our single profiles (we met here).
I think different couples will give different responses to this & it's all about what feels right for them. As long as both people agree on how they play/meet, it's fine. It's when one expects that they can have all the fun and want to limit the other that it then becomes problematic. |
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I think whatever works for you is right. We are full swap but due to my own issues with self esteem and the insecurities I have with myself, I have anxiety surrounding seeing N having sex with other women. On the other hand, he very much enjoys seeing me having sex with other men. This means I’ve had experiences that he hasn’t (although we only play together so he participates!) but that’s something we both know we want to work towards. In terms of boundaries, they’re the same for us both as we just happened to feel the same about everything but we always say that what ever is a no for one, is a no for both.
C x |
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Am part of a married couple (listed in profile). Juat posting from my single account.
Honestly...I wear the trousers. Wifes more I to the cuckqean thing or just playing with other ladies.
She's more into the clubs, having a dance and then havung us heading off with a lady or a couole where I preffer more intimate meets such as at a hotel. Not that I don't enjoy the club.
Ergo I have a free pass in effect. Pretty much can do what i loke as long as i let her know. She can veto any meets but never has in 28 years. She likes other women wanting me (yeah, that is a thing). She sometimes goes and plays with a girlfreind on her own and isn't shy about being in a group of girls at the club but she's not that fussed about fooling around with other men really. Does sometimes but it's not that often.
So for us, that's what works. We both technically have free passes as long as we discuss it but she rarely cashes her card in. She's content to let me do whatever with whoever as she loves it (she's big on reclaiming me). We had 28 years to get to this point though. We trust each other implicitly and she knows I wouldn't do.anything without her knowledge anyway. Built a life together. Not going to.ruin it by not letting her know where im going or what im doing. She'd miss out using her wand whilst I'm out for a start lol. Plus she usually knows the women I meet anyway so its all good for us.
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"No, the rules aren't equal.
If you want them equal, then set the same as your spouse requests.
Don't forget, rules evolve and change as time goes by too.
So. For perspective.
Your OH tells you you can stay over at a hotel for the night with another person (for example)
You want to. But the idea of your OH sleeping in a bed with someone else makes you feel sick.
You do it because they said it was ok, you have a great time and thoroughly enjoy every bit of that freedom you are given.
And then weeks later they start to hint that you did it so they would like to also and that if feels unfair otherwise .....
How does that sit?
Assuming the rest of your relationship is tight AF and you've always been open and honest.
"
If one is uncomfortable with something just because the other isn't doesn't mean it's ok to do.
Personally your partners thoughts and boundaries should come 1st.
Just because say I'm happy for my man to stay over, if he's uncomfortable for me to do so I wouldn't.
Take it at each others pace that maybe different but you have to work together & compromise.
Mrs |
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Exactly if one person in the relationship is not behind it 100% then it will all end in disaster, both of the couple have to be on the same page otherwise it will cause problems further down the line and most of the time will end up one way , The 1st time we did it hubby was there but I couldn't let myself go so ever since hubby never watches and hears about it afterwards which her loves it works for us perfectly
Mrs boobdelicious |
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We don't have any "rules" at all. Certainly it's not my place to say what someone else can choose to do, even if we are married.
We both have our own boundaries and preferences, but these are also situationally flexible.
Cal |
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By (user no longer on site) OP 10 weeks ago
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This is honestly so interesting to hear from you all with different dynamics and I'm so grateful for your time spent explaining.
We have had even lengthier chats and it appears that he doesn't really want me playing alone at all now so it's fully back to the drawing board (and back to just us for a little while) to re evaluate what is going to work.
Wishing you all the most intense orgasms tonight in return for your kindness
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"This is honestly so interesting to hear from you all with different dynamics and I'm so grateful for your time spent explaining.
We have had even lengthier chats and it appears that he doesn't really want me playing alone at all now so it's fully back to the drawing board (and back to just us for a little while) to re evaluate what is going to work.
Wishing you all the most intense orgasms tonight in return for your kindness
"
Glad you're getting somewhere. Sometimes a reset, and focusing on yourselves for a while, is the best option. Good luck |
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"This is honestly so interesting to hear from you all with different dynamics and I'm so grateful for your time spent explaining.
We have had even lengthier chats and it appears that he doesn't really want me playing alone at all now so it's fully back to the drawing board (and back to just us for a little while) to re evaluate what is going to work.
Wishing you all the most intense orgasms tonight in return for your kindness
"
We always say that all of this is a giant minefield. It’s a constantly evolving process, you learn with each experience. The conversations are great though, it’s all brought us even closer together which is saying something!
C x |
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"Let's be honest most couple profiles in here are used by mostly men or single men pretending to be in a couple"
Not in our experience. We’ve only ever interacted with two couples profiles that we suspected to actually single men but we sussed them out very quickly, they’re quite obvious to spot when you know what to look for.
C x |
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We have different boundaries as a pair. I have as the female played with other men and women the other half present and involved in some way or another.
However, he doesn’t touch other men or women.
His choice.
So I respect that and it works for us.
Not the dynamic for all, and does restrict our play partner pool.
But. Our rules for our enjoyment. What others think about them is a moot point. They can either get on with them or not.
After all this site is all about choices. What works for one couple/person may not for another, but it will work for someone |
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"Let's be honest most couple profiles in here are used by mostly men or single men pretending to be in a couple
Not in our experience. We’ve only ever interacted with two couples profiles that we suspected to actually single men but we sussed them out very quickly, they’re quite obvious to spot when you know what to look for.
C x"
Would agree. Lots of chancers bit easy to suss out when you know what to ask and look for. |
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In my experience, the rules are rarely equal. This should be a good thing as each person is allowed to say what they're actually ok with, not what they'll put up with. When you're having this discussion, if you aren't happy with the rules and boundaries you need to talk and work out what you want to do. |
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I have been in two cuckold relationships. In that kind of dynamic the rules can not be equal however they were agreed , clearly defined and signed into a cuckold contract that was reviewed every three months and either re-signed or amended as appropriate. |
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Agree totally. When we were younger and we began to explore ideas and then how to turn ideas into situations ( back in those days there was no internet etc) my partner now mrs wanted to try 3 sums, but she said she wanted no contact with any women, and she had no desire to watch me with one either.
This has worked for us, and it’s never been a problem, we have also attended - parties where all sorts is going on but we have kept on the perimeter and still enjoyed ourselves. |
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We try to be fastidious in making sure what applies to on applies to the other. Hannah is free to meet people of the same sex and so am I (Luke). The fact that I'm not attracted to men and so don't do that doesn't really matter to me. I'm very happy for her to see women if she wants to. I know the equivalent applies to me. If we see somebody of the opposite sex, we do it together.
Recently she suggested she was open to me being allowed to do something we previously agreed I wouldn't. I would only consider it for myself if I was happy her doing it. |
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