FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swinging Support and Advice > Am I being unreasonable?
Am I being unreasonable?
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By (user no longer on site) OP 37 weeks ago
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My partner (F) and I (M) have begun exploring opening up our 8-year, serious relationship. My partner has always been especially interested in experimenting with another woman.
As luck would have it, we discovered that a friend of a friend and her partner were swingers, and the female was bi. My partner and the female of that couple became friends, and the topic of having a girl-girl experience was on the cards.
My partner said to me privately that she had no interest in doing anything with the male of the other couple, and she wasn't interested in doing anything with other men, at least not for now. For her first experience, she said she either wanted to be alone with the female, or with me watching/being included. She also said she wanted to have the experience at our home, as it was her "safe space". I was happy with those rules.
Cut to yesterday, when my partner went for a boozy brunch with a bunch of gal pals, including the female of that couple. After quite a bit of day drinking, the female took her back to her (ie the other woman's) house, and without me knowing, had a girl-girl experience there, with the male watching/wanking/touching up/fucking his partner the whole time. He apparently did not touch my partner. I only learned what had happened after my partner was dropped off home, where I had been looking after our toddler for the day.
I was under the impression that something might have happened between my partner and the female, but only within the rules we set. We agreed that no other men would be involved in this first step we were taking.
I thought the rules were clear. I feel left out, annoyed I wasn't only not told what was going to happen, but that some other bloke got to enjoy watching my wife's first bi experience and not me.
She is sorry, but also blames the alcohol, "getting caught up in the moment" and the fact I dabbled in the swinging world before meeting her - meaning she thought I would just be cool with it.
Am I right to be very upset at my partner for what's happened? |
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By (user no longer on site) 37 weeks ago
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"My partner (F) and I (M) have begun exploring opening up our 8-year, serious relationship. My partner has always been especially interested in experimenting with another woman.
As luck would have it, we discovered that a friend of a friend and her partner were swingers, and the female was bi. My partner and the female of that couple became friends, and the topic of having a girl-girl experience was on the cards.
My partner said to me privately that she had no interest in doing anything with the male of the other couple, and she wasn't interested in doing anything with other men, at least not for now. For her first experience, she said she either wanted to be alone with the female, or with me watching/being included. She also said she wanted to have the experience at our home, as it was her "safe space". I was happy with those rules.
Cut to yesterday, when my partner went for a boozy brunch with a bunch of gal pals, including the female of that couple. After quite a bit of day drinking, the female took her back to her (ie the other woman's) house, and without me knowing, had a girl-girl experience there, with the male watching/wanking/touching up/fucking his partner the whole time. He apparently did not touch my partner. I only learned what had happened after my partner was dropped off home, where I had been looking after our toddler for the day.
I was under the impression that something might have happened between my partner and the female, but only within the rules we set. We agreed that no other men would be involved in this first step we were taking.
I thought the rules were clear. I feel left out, annoyed I wasn't only not told what was going to happen, but that some other bloke got to enjoy watching my wife's first bi experience and not me.
She is sorry, but also blames the alcohol, "getting caught up in the moment" and the fact I dabbled in the swinging world before meeting her - meaning she thought I would just be cool with it.
Am I right to be very upset at my partner for what's happened?"
1. Does she know you’ve got a single male profile?
2. Do you have a couples profile?
3. Never mix alcohol with swinging! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP 37 weeks ago
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"Yes, but if she doesn't know about your profile then no. Neither of you should do something behind each others back. "
A profile from my single days which has sat dormant for nine years, which I've logged back onto to get some advice from a like-minded community? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP 37 weeks ago
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"
1. Does she know you’ve got a single male profile?
2. Do you have a couples profile?
3. Never mix alcohol with swinging!"
1. She knew I HAD one before I met her, but doesn't know it still exists. I never deleted it. But it has sat dormant for nine years. I haven't used it.
2. Yes - we made one shortly after we decided to start exploring this.
3. Agreed. |
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By (user no longer on site) 37 weeks ago
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"
1. Does she know you’ve got a single male profile?
2. Do you have a couples profile?
3. Never mix alcohol with swinging!
1. She knew I HAD one before I met her, but doesn't know it still exists. I never deleted it. But it has sat dormant for nine years. I haven't used it.
2. Yes - we made one shortly after we decided to start exploring this.
3. Agreed."
Thanks for the info. I would suggest swinging probably isn’t right for you, if the boundaries can’t be respected then you’re just asking for trouble and drink is no excuse, so yes I’d be pissed off if it was me |
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No, I don't think you are.
She's said one thing and done another, behind your back and blamed it on alcohol.
I'm half a couple and we meet alone too, we have set boundaries and if my other half bent these or went against them, without telling me first, I wouldn't be happy.
Just because you've had experience in swinging, doesn't mean you'll be happy with her doing whatever she wants op. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP 37 weeks ago
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"No, I don't think you are.
She's said one thing and done another, behind your back and blamed it on alcohol.
I'm half a couple and we meet alone too, we have set boundaries and if my other half bent these or went against them, without telling me first, I wouldn't be happy.
Just because you've had experience in swinging, doesn't mean you'll be happy with her doing whatever she wants op. "
Thank you. I was pulling my hair out wondering if I was being unfair to her, but some of these comments have made me feel better about my thoughts.
The issue now, as I see it, is how to resolve this breakdown of trust. Not an easy one to approach. |
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Things that emotionally upset as are very important but, when within a relationship, it's essential that only the 2 of you discuss and resolve it, to the satisfaction of you both. What's right for us individually differs but if 1 person is upset, then the emotion is valid and should be addressed.
You proceed in swinging only with 100% agreement on what the terms are |
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I understand feeling put out if you were under the impression that those were the set rules regarding it.
You do phrase it as she said she wanted, which if that was the whole conversation she may have thought was simply stating how she'd prefer it to be without them being hard and fast rules. If there was no physical contact with the male half she may feel the rules were adhered to it was just a little outside the preference on scenario, especially if she was unaware you were particularly invested in seeing the very first time with another woman rather than just enthused about seeing it in general.
Communication is important. It could just be a breakdown there. Successful open relationships do need to have very clear statements on rules and boundaries, the more room there is for misunderstanding where the lines are the more likely one will inadvertently hurt the other.
As a general rule I highly recommend not making decisions after drinking, and while it may be a reason for slipping, it's not an excuse for it 💜 |
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"Am I right to be very upset at my partner for what's happened?"
Firstly, you dont have to justify yourself to anybody picking at the fact you have a profile on here. Its clear theres no effort on your profile to find people.
Secondly, your wife isn't a toddler, and she put herself in that position. Swinging couples require trust, and it sounds like she's broken that trust quite significantly.
Not sure what to advise as it would be very awkward asking the other folk involved what went on. What we will say is if she is so selfish to behave as she has there are clearly issues that meed addressing and only the two of you can work on that.
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I definitely would not be happy if I was in your shoes
Boundaries were agreed and set and have been ignored. Enjoying the whole lifestyle as a couple is fantastic but both have to be completely thoughtful of each other and respect said boundaries
Trust is paramount
Once that trust has been broken it’s hard to get back |
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By *9alMan 37 weeks ago
Bridgend |
I think you need to tread carefully we all break the rules a bit now and again. if you make too big a deal about this it may put her off altogether or make her more lightly to do things behind your back & not tell you . |
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By *ickawitchCouple 37 weeks ago
Away with the fairies (Liverpool to you) |
"
1. Does she know you’ve got a single male profile?
2. Do you have a couples profile?
3. Never mix alcohol with swinging!
1. She knew I HAD one before I met her, but doesn't know it still exists. I never deleted it. But it has sat dormant for nine years. I haven't used it.
2. Yes - we made one shortly after we decided to start exploring this.
3. Agreed.
Thanks for the info. I would suggest swinging probably isn’t right for you, if the boundaries can’t be respected then you’re just asking for trouble and drink is no excuse, so yes I’d be pissed off if it was me "
With the information you’ve given, I can say I definitely agree with this. |
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By *ickawitchCouple 37 weeks ago
Away with the fairies (Liverpool to you) |
"No, I don't think you are.
She's said one thing and done another, behind your back and blamed it on alcohol.
I'm half a couple and we meet alone too, we have set boundaries and if my other half bent these or went against them, without telling me first, I wouldn't be happy.
Just because you've had experience in swinging, doesn't mean you'll be happy with her doing whatever she wants op.
Thank you. I was pulling my hair out wondering if I was being unfair to her, but some of these comments have made me feel better about my thoughts.
The issue now, as I see it, is how to resolve this breakdown of trust. Not an easy one to approach."
Unfortunately it’s not like you have a reset button. Maybe just concentrate on each other for a while. When / if you feel ready to try again in 6 months or a year . Reiterate the rules. Set them in stone. |
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By (user no longer on site) 37 weeks ago
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"I'm probably going to get smacked down for this, but your post smacks of jealousy. Sorry . But jealousy & swinging just don't go together. 🤷"
Really? They set the boundaries , she overstepped them whilst pissed. I’m a fem and I’d be pissed off with that behaviour and attitude. They are a couple in the lifestyle not a single female! |
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"I'm probably going to get smacked down for this, but your post smacks of jealousy. Sorry . But jealousy & swinging just don't go together. 🤷
Really? They set the boundaries , she overstepped them whilst pissed. I’m a fem and I’d be pissed off with that behaviour and attitude. They are a couple in the lifestyle not a single female! "
But did they set the boundaries? The wording says she said she wanted, not that it was firmly agreed as part of the rules. She may have interpreted it as general enthusiasm from him and not appreciated how much he wanted to be there the first time if it wasn't communicated clearly enough.
If it was all set down as actual rules and boundaries then yeah. If it was just about her having her first girl on girl thing and him being there was a preference rather than a definitive requirement then not so much.
In the originally planned scenario the other woman's partner was excluded entirely, so assuming it's okay to not have the spare partner present doesn't seem unreasonable. Though that is one of the many reasons I avoid one penis policies 💜 |
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By (user no longer on site) 37 weeks ago
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Hmmmm, but everyone has a mobile phone nowadays?? She couldn't call you? Send a text? Check in on your toddler?? I mean, there are more issues here than the swinging, and as others have pointed out it is probably poor communication between you!!
If she couldn't even be bothered to shoot you a 'I'm getting fucked' text/video then this is terrible!!! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP 37 weeks ago
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"
But did they set the boundaries? The wording says she said she wanted, not that it was firmly agreed as part of the rules. She may have interpreted it as general enthusiasm from him and not appreciated how much he wanted to be there the first time if it wasn't communicated clearly enough.
"
To clarify, it was a rule - she said she didn't want any other man present, so we agreed to proceed on that basis. She bent the rule by saying that because he didn't touch her, it was fine.
And just to put any "jealousy" comments to bed, if she had told me in advance that another guy would be there, I might have actually ok'd it, because at least then I'd feel like I was being kept in the loop and my feelings were being respected. |
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"I'm probably going to get smacked down for this, but your post smacks of jealousy. Sorry . But jealousy & swinging just don't go together. 🤷
Really? They set the boundaries , she overstepped them whilst pissed. I’m a fem and I’d be pissed off with that behaviour and attitude. They are a couple in the lifestyle not a single female! "
Like I said. Will probably get slapped down. I'll consider myself slapped.
🤷 |
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"I'm probably going to get smacked down for this, but your post smacks of jealousy. Sorry . But jealousy & swinging just don't go together. 🤷"
I dont think its jealousy, they had discussed what she wanted, she said she wanted her partner present and he was happy for this to play out as planned. She then went and did something totally different without speaking to him or letting him know. She has broken his trust, thats not jealousy. |
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"I'm probably going to get smacked down for this, but your post smacks of jealousy. Sorry . But jealousy & swinging just don't go together. 🤷
I dont think its jealousy, they had discussed what she wanted, she said she wanted her partner present and he was happy for this to play out as planned. She then went and did something totally different without speaking to him or letting him know. She has broken his trust, thats not jealousy. "
.
Exactly and the responses I imagine would be v different if a woman posted this. |
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You're well within your rights to feel how you do.
It wasn't within the parameters set. She should have at least called you first had a chat etc.
To be blaming alcohol is a huge cop out, it smacks of disrespect to me and if it wasn't agreed or talked about then how is this ok.
Sure swinging is opening things up but usually only within the boundaries that you set as a couple this was beyond them from my understanding.
I would be pissed off too, you didn't even get to enjoy your wifes first bi experience but the other ladys partner did.
Hope you sort it out, you need to sit down and have a very open conversation because I'm sure if you had done what she had she would be hurt. |
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By *eyeYCouple 37 weeks ago
Nr Leicester |
Will add, the demonstrated behaviour by the other couple is rife..
The sheer number of messages from couples wanting Y, but I'd be surplus to requirements is incredible!
Experienced being excluded when play has begun too, very unpleasant feeling calling time when your partner is enjoying themselves! |
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I wouldn’t be happy about it. Swinging involves being upfront and honest. Between you trust show build, this scenario would destroy that trust that’s needed to be strong in the swinging world. Now is probably the time to live a more vanilla life unless you both can fully agree future boundaries. |
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People get stuff wrong occasionally.
The key question is whether you feel that she's understood how she's hurt you, and how much you trust her not to do it again.
If it's yes to both, then forgive her, and work on the next event being something you can both enjoy.
If it's "no" to either then you really have bigger problems than swinging... |
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"My partner (F) and I (M) have begun exploring opening up our 8-year, serious relationship. My partner has always been especially interested in experimenting with another woman.
As luck would have it, we discovered that a friend of a friend and her partner were swingers, and the female was bi. My partner and the female of that couple became friends, and the topic of having a girl-girl experience was on the cards.
My partner said to me privately that she had no interest in doing anything with the male of the other couple, and she wasn't interested in doing anything with other men, at least not for now. For her first experience, she said she either wanted to be alone with the female, or with me watching/being included. She also said she wanted to have the experience at our home, as it was her "safe space". I was happy with those rules.
Cut to yesterday, when my partner went for a boozy brunch with a bunch of gal pals, including the female of that couple. After quite a bit of day drinking, the female took her back to her (ie the other woman's) house, and without me knowing, had a girl-girl experience there, with the male watching/wanking/touching up/fucking his partner the whole time. He apparently did not touch my partner. I only learned what had happened after my partner was dropped off home, where I had been looking after our toddler for the day.
I was under the impression that something might have happened between my partner and the female, but only within the rules we set. We agreed that no other men would be involved in this first step we were taking.
I thought the rules were clear. I feel left out, annoyed I wasn't only not told what was going to happen, but that some other bloke got to enjoy watching my wife's first bi experience and not me.
She is sorry, but also blames the alcohol, "getting caught up in the moment" and the fact I dabbled in the swinging world before meeting her - meaning she thought I would just be cool with it.
Am I right to be very upset at my partner for what's happened?"
I think you’re right being upset.
Also, I hate when people blame the alcohol, I find it immature at least. No one forced you to drink so much to lose your judgment… |
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"
I hate when people blame the alcohol, I find it immature at least. No one forced you to drink so much to lose your judgment…"
I didn't mean to run over the pedestrian. I just had too much to drink. |
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Using alcohol as an “excuse my behaviour” rationale killed a previous swinging relationship for me; as a couple we had preferences which were boundaries for us both.
She abused these boundaries and blamed alcohol, we both drank a lot at the time so it was no huge deal, drink just exacerbated the issue until I caught her in an outright lie regarding someone she played with solo behind my back; she told a story about other couples being involved and even named names, plus the alcohol.
I let it go until one night in a club, the named couple came up to us and their opening statement of “haven’t seen either of you for ages” had her trapped in the headlights.
In reality I knew she’d lied, but thinking it and knowing it are two entirely different things; took time for me to get past the deception, it wasn’t even a forgiveness issue either.
You’re just stranded with an overwhelming feeling of distrust, which simply never went away; we were done by the following weekend when I refused to go clubbing and she decided to head out “alone”.
Tough one OP, as others have suggested, it’s communication you need and plenty of it.
All the best  |
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1: No you aren't being unreasonable
2: As to how to fix it... That's challenging my dude.
On the one hand, shit does happen in the lifestyle, and rules can get bent. Especially with alcohol in the mix which is why as a general rule it shouldn't be in the earliest stages where things are most fragile.
On the other, there's a difference between:
"oh I forgot this particular nuance of a rule because I was both cock d*unk and literal d*unk, but the general thrust of what was happening and the intent was legitimate"
and
"I had a few drinks and somehow forgot pretty much every rule that we set and completely betrayed your trust"
Frankly what she has done would I think for most fair minded people call into question her credibility as someone who can be faithful generally never mind in the context of the lifestyle. If she lost her panties following a lunch one wonders how far lost they would be following a night on the town. Or whether it's the first time. |
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"
1. Does she know you’ve got a single male profile?
2. Do you have a couples profile?
3. Never mix alcohol with swinging!
1. She knew I HAD one before I met her, but doesn't know it still exists. I never deleted it. But it has sat dormant for nine years. I haven't used it.
2. Yes - we made one shortly after we decided to start exploring this.
3. Agreed."
Given this additional info, I think it’s fair. Messaging to say she’s heading to her friend’s house, she thinks something might happen and asking your view would be one thing but this just sounds like thinking as a single person. |
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This is a good test of how much you want her to enjoy new experiences versus how much you want to be involved for your own gratification
You have facilitated a chance for her to explore her curiosity
Had the other guy not been there would you have felt as badly disrespected
In the end you have a toddler together so best to wrap your head around it and moce forward
Oh and it wasnt exactly 9 years since you last logged in  |
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By (user no longer on site) 37 weeks ago
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It's her fault. She broke the agreement
All the people on here would be calling you the asshole if the roles were reversed
If you do continue things renegotiate but more in your favour
Personally, I'd sump her but things are complicated as you have a kid and most likely assets
In the future any and all meetings with other, ironclad rule, it's together and all communication on the site.. once you take communion off the site, sneaky fuckers can on the DL message to take your girl. |
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By *ost SockMan 37 weeks ago
West Wales and Cardiff |
"Yes, but if she doesn't know about your profile then no. Neither of you should do something behind each others back.
A profile from my single days which has sat dormant for nine years, which I've logged back onto to get some advice from a like-minded community?"
"
1. Does she know you’ve got a single male profile?
2. Do you have a couples profile?
3. Never mix alcohol with swinging!
1. She knew I HAD one before I met her, but doesn't know it still exists. I never deleted it. But it has sat dormant for nine years. I haven't used it.
2. Yes - we made one shortly after we decided to start exploring this.
3. Agreed."
I was about to post something lenghty that was sympathetic to the situation, but something made me check the green arrow.
I’m sure you’re a good guy, but people have invested a fair amount of time in helping you with this. You really should be totally straight about that profile. Sorry. |
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"That’s his profile hidden  "
One can still green arrow it with the profile hidden.
She broke a rule.
He's angry because she broke a rule
He's jealous about her changing her mind with another guy there first and not him.
She stated her boundaries, but he didn't state his boundaries so, it seems. So when she changed her mind randomly, it's a bit too much.
Re-assess emotions and thoughts and fears and re-negotiate boundaries and probably no alcohol while swinging.
Everyone has these fantasies about swinging but most of the time it never turns out like in people's fantasies.
If your partner can't be trusted, then simply make the rule that no-one plays alone.
One partner is happy with all the women he is banging but his wife is disappointed in the men so she wanted them to quit swinging altogether.
Human nature to change your mind but it's about setting communication conventions together.
Being new to swinging she just assumed you would be ok with it. More discussion and more learning clearly need to be had. You can show her the comments on this post.
Good Luck OP |
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By (user no longer on site) OP 37 weeks ago
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Thanks for all the input everyone - I have read each and every comment. By way of an update:
My partner and I ended up having a heated talk about what happened - well, most of the heat was emanating from me.
I expressed exactly why I was upset by what happened - the lack of transparency, the impromptu breaking of the one rule we had set, and the fact I had missed her first foray into this world. Coupled with some other pressures we are facing at the moment, I told her that this was the last thing I had wanted, and if she had actually played with the other guy, we wouldn't be having a conversation at all, as I would have been packing my bags.
She ultimately abandoned all her previous excuses, and took full responsibility for what she did. She realised that she was stupid for assuming that I would have been cool with another man being there for her first play session, instead of me.
She wants to make amends by arranging something which would not only involve me, but would be more geared for my pleasure.
We both agreed to sit down and establish a full list of precise rules.
And crucially, she affirmed how lucky she is to have a partner who didn't have a problem with her experimenting sexually with other people in the first place, and should have been more conscious of my feelings when deciding to go beyond what was discussed.
This really is the first time in our 8 years together that an issue of trust has ever arisen, so it was a shock to my system - but one I think we can move on from. It goes without saying however that it won't be tolerated a second time. |
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By *eyeYCouple 37 weeks ago
Nr Leicester |
Glad to hear that the discussion has had a positive result.
Feel many may have judged because the thread originated from a single guys profile, but understand why you did that.
The actual way your post's read displayed a genuine concern as to how it'd upset.
No excuse but I have bent boundaries when caught up in the moment and have upset D before, as he's expressed above.
But we've had the difficult conversations and agree the opportunities for women to play are (unfairly, but pragmatically) greater.
I've made sure I am more aware of where he is (mentally) with what is happening and he has been far more vocal if he's feeling excluded or unhappy, whatever the 'state of play'.
It's a very trust challenging, but also enforcing activity we partake in 😘 Y |
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Everyone screws up sometimes. It's particularly likely when you embark on something like swinging when many of the old rules are thrown out of the window.
If she genuinely regrets what happened, and has learnt from it, then it will make your relationship stronger, not weaker. |
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I’m glad to hear there was a positive outcome from the chat with the other half. Especially because there’s a toddler involved.
I can’t help but notice that, as usual, women who fuck up are treated much better than if the genders were reversed. |
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By *WB85Man 37 weeks ago
Staffordshire |
"I’m glad to hear there was a positive outcome from the chat with the other half. Especially because there’s a toddler involved.
I can’t help but notice that, as usual, women who fuck up are treated much better than if the genders were reversed. "
Isn't that the fucking truth.
Men that break the rules are twats....women do it....were being silly and need to get over it.
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Remembering of course that swinging is almost exclusively brought up by the man ... so there has to be an expectation he has thought it all through maturely and accepted the risks to his ego before bringing it up to his partner for her consent and agreement to try something new. |
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I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. Obviously everyone’s dynamics are different and what works for some couples won’t work for others. If it had been agreed that you would be there for that first experience then yes she was wrong to go ahead and do it and not even call to tell you there was a possibility of it happening. We have spoken about scenarios where if I was out alone and had the opportunity to hook up with someone. Our agreement is if I call and explain situation and keep hubby updated then it’s all good. If I was just to go and have sex without telling him then that would not be ok but as I said eneryone has different rules and boundaries |
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"Yes there is something in there about power and control isnt there "
I don’t think it’s control to want to be kept in the loop if your partner has the opportunity to engage in something you have talked about doing together. It’s also not unreasonable to be a bit put out that they’ve went ahead without even letting you know |
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It looks like you wanted to be watching, rather than the other guy, if the boot had been on the other foot I think you would have tried to touch the other women, if you could have gotten away with it. Sometimes when you play with fire you get burnt. Looks like you were left holding the baby. |
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Just go with the flow,your obvious pissed it was not you that got to watch but now you know she is up for it, you have an ace card to play when it comes round to you getting a bit fun possible fucking the other female |
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By *-and-GCouple 36 weeks ago
norfolk |
We have spoken about this a lot, and we feel like although incredibly new to all this the rules need to be sacred. Even if we are both 100% up for going a little further than the rules allow in the moment, we have agreed that it’s a complete red zone and we will stop, discuss and then adjust the rules in case the situation arises next time. I know that might kill the moment / mood but we think that’s probably the best way for us to explore.
In terms of your situation, buddy, I would be feeling the same way, this is a journey you have decided to go on together so you should communicate that and explain that the act itself isn’t the issue as that was agreed, but the doing it alone part has hurt you, and hopefully you can get stronger and grow from it.
Writing this I’m just thinking there would, I imagine for all couples be a number of times where the line gets blurred and these conversations need to be had. So possibly this could be a great thing for you to put together a framework / conversation structure to iron out anything that comes up in the future.
Best of luck guys, G |
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By *usie pTV/TS 36 weeks ago
taunton |
You are being very unreasonable, for starters swinging is a very dangerous game to get into in as much as things are very likely to turn out differently to your expectations, also most of us are guilty of doing things in the heat of the moment and lose some control when lust brain takes over. |
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"You are being very unreasonable, for starters swinging is a very dangerous game to get into in as much as things are very likely to turn out differently to your expectations, also most of us are guilty of doing things in the heat of the moment and lose some control when lust brain takes over."
I wouldnt say heading back to someone's house after being out drinking was the heat of the moment. Also it was her who told OP that she wanted him there and wasn't comfortable with another male being there. Blaming alcohol and the heat of the moment is just an excuse used by many to get them out of things and its not good enough.
Anyway OP posted and said they had sorted it out and they have gone UNLOS so wont see your reply anyway. |
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Yes an absolute right to be fuming. Yes at the total lack of consideration for you, what you both discussed and the FOMO. But for me the most egregious aspect and red flag is the gaslighting. The fact that she tried to spin the conversation away from the actual issue and move to your swinging past (which has nothing to do with her actions). And just the lack of accountability for her self. Yes we all understand being d*unk can change you thinking and judgment but you still have to own your actions.
As some previously married to a manipulative gaslither who would never take responsibility for her self this is what worries me. Not so much the error of judgment, that is human and to differing degrees I think most couples at some stage have had an error in judgment or a miscommunication. In relationships and especially swinging trust, accountability and honest communication is everything. If you have someone gaslighting, being manipulative and not taking responsibility for their actions it's never going to work.
Mr |
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By *edhead72Man 36 weeks ago
Cheltenham and Ashby |
"My partner (F) and I (M) have begun exploring opening up our 8-year, serious relationship. My partner has always been especially interested in experimenting with another woman.
As luck would have it, we discovered that a friend of a friend and her partner were swingers, and the female was bi. My partner and the female of that couple became friends, and the topic of having a girl-girl experience was on the cards.
My partner said to me privately that she had no interest in doing anything with the male of the other couple, and she wasn't interested in doing anything with other men, at least not for now. For her first experience, she said she either wanted to be alone with the female, or with me watching/being included. She also said she wanted to have the experience at our home, as it was her "safe space". I was happy with those rules.
Cut to yesterday, when my partner went for a boozy brunch with a bunch of gal pals, including the female of that couple. After quite a bit of day drinking, the female took her back to her (ie the other woman's) house, and without me knowing, had a girl-girl experience there, with the male watching/wanking/touching up/fucking his partner the whole time. He apparently did not touch my partner. I only learned what had happened after my partner was dropped off home, where I had been looking after our toddler for the day.
I was under the impression that something might have happened between my partner and the female, but only within the rules we set. We agreed that no other men would be involved in this first step we were taking.
I thought the rules were clear. I feel left out, annoyed I wasn't only not told what was going to happen, but that some other bloke got to enjoy watching my wife's first bi experience and not me.
She is sorry, but also blames the alcohol, "getting caught up in the moment" and the fact I dabbled in the swinging world before meeting her - meaning she thought I would just be cool with it.
Am I right to be very upset at my partner for what's happened?
1. Does she know you’ve got a single male profile?
2. Do you have a couples profile?
3. Never mix alcohol with swinging!"
1: good point
2: another good point
3: hold on!!! |
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"My partner (F) and I (M) have begun exploring opening up our 8-year, serious relationship. My partner has always been especially interested in experimenting with another woman.
As luck would have it, we discovered that a friend of a friend and her partner were swingers, and the female was bi. My partner and the female of that couple became friends, and the topic of having a girl-girl experience was on the cards.
My partner said to me privately that she had no interest in doing anything with the male of the other couple, and she wasn't interested in doing anything with other men, at least not for now. For her first experience, she said she either wanted to be alone with the female, or with me watching/being included. She also said she wanted to have the experience at our home, as it was her "safe space". I was happy with those rules.
Cut to yesterday, when my partner went for a boozy brunch with a bunch of gal pals, including the female of that couple. After quite a bit of day drinking, the female took her back to her (ie the other woman's) house, and without me knowing, had a girl-girl experience there, with the male watching/wanking/touching up/fucking his partner the whole time. He apparently did not touch my partner. I only learned what had happened after my partner was dropped off home, where I had been looking after our toddler for the day.
I was under the impression that something might have happened between my partner and the female, but only within the rules we set. We agreed that no other men would be involved in this first step we were taking.
I thought the rules were clear. I feel left out, annoyed I wasn't only not told what was going to happen, but that some other bloke got to enjoy watching my wife's first bi experience and not me.
She is sorry, but also blames the alcohol, "getting caught up in the moment" and the fact I dabbled in the swinging world before meeting her - meaning she thought I would just be cool with it.
Am I right to be very upset at my partner for what's happened?"
Yes. But try to understand the problem here. Spur of the moment stuff happens. She’s explained that he never touched her. But I definitely understand your thinking. My advice is to lay down new understandable rules that define direction. Now . Forgive and move forward positively. |
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