FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swinging Support and Advice > What's the one thing nobody tells you before entering the lifestyle?
What's the one thing nobody tells you before entering the lifestyle?
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Hi everyone!
We actually joined this site a little while ago (exciting times) but had to press pause while caring for elderly parents.
Now that chapter has passed, we're finally able to focus on ourselves again.
We're excited to start exploring fantasies we've shared for years and to meet genuine, like-minded people along the way.
As we've been reading profiles and browsing the forums, it got us wondering...
What surprised you most once you entered the lifestyle?
Was the reality different from what you expected?
Did it strengthen your relationship?
Was there anything you wish you'd known before you took that first step?
If you could give one piece of advice to a genuinely excited newbie couple (we're not completely newbie individually, just new to exploring this together), what would it be?
We're really looking forward to hearing your stories, advice and experiences.
Hopefully your replies will help us get started on this exciting journey.
We honestly can't wait! And who knows... perhaps (we definitely will) we'll meet some of you along the way too. 😊 |
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Best bit of advice I could give would be to talk through your boundaries and have an idea of what you hope to experience and gain from being in the lifestyle. Always best to discuss beforehand what you're both wanting and happy to do as it can be daunting seeing your partner being pleasured by someone else at first. Also remember it's supposed to be fun at the end of the day so make sure you're both enjoying it. |
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Thanks for taking the time to reply. 😊
It's really reassuring to hear that, because that's exactly where our heads have been from the very beginning. We've probably spent more time talking about boundaries, expectations and "what if" scenarios than anything else.
Those conversations have actually brought us even closer together, as they've required complete honesty and trust. We both know our boundaries may naturally evolve with experience, but only if we're both comfortable and genuinely enthusiastic.
We also love what you said about remembering it's supposed to be fun.
That is soooo important and something we'll definitely keep reminding ourselves of.
Thanks again for the advice. We really appreciate it A&N x |
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"Thanks for taking the time to reply. 😊
It's really reassuring to hear that, because that's exactly where our heads have been from the very beginning. We've probably spent more time talking about boundaries, expectations and "what if" scenarios than anything else.
Those conversations have actually brought us even closer together, as they've required complete honesty and trust. We both know our boundaries may naturally evolve with experience, but only if we're both comfortable and genuinely enthusiastic.
We also love what you said about remembering it's supposed to be fun.
That is soooo important and something we'll definitely keep reminding ourselves of.
Thanks again for the advice. We really appreciate it A&N x"
No worries, sometimes it just seems natural what we do but sometimes a situation can throw you off so always best to think ahead I've found. Enjoy your journey and explorations and see where it takes you, it's a lot of fun this swinging malarkey x |
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It is a journey of discovery for both of you.
What are boundaries today get pushed, sometimes in the heat of battle, and may disappear, but only after a lot of conversations.
If something happens in the midst of play that was beyond what you discussed, don't get angry; don't argue. Talk about it afterwards, how you each felt, and whether it is a boundary that can be moved or dropped altogether.
You will almost certainly end up travelling on the journey at different speeds. The trick to making it work is knowing when one of you has to put the brake on their hopes and expectations, and when the other needs to squeeze the accelerator slightly.
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That's a really thoughtful way of looking at it, and we think you're absolutely right. 😊
For us, the conversations are every bit as exciting as the experiences themselves. Trust, honesty and knowing we can say "not yet" just as easily as "let's see where this goes" makes the journey even more enjoyable.
Who knows where the road will lead... but discovering it together, one adventure at a time, is definitely part of the attraction. 😉 |
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This!
I can be very difficult to find couples where all four of you 'click'.
It does happen though, and we have made some great friends over the years.
"Nobody tells you how difficult 4 way attraction is with couples. "
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Always go to a club with no expectations. We've always had a great social. It also took us 3 years to finally do a full swap (we only dip in and out of clubs, not there everyweek.)
A few negatives: some couples will try and poach your wife, some poeple for some strange reason don't have a shower before they go to a club...we find this baffeling . |
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We assumed that people on a swinging site would want to meet. Turns out 75% of the guys can't meet due to having a partner or don't want to meet or are too scared to meet.
A large proportion of the couples on here aren't couples. Maybe they used to be bit now they're just the guy.
Trust your gut when it comes to people. |
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stick to your own rules at all times and be picky because you'll regret it forever if your not
also there's no rule book for swinging like some will have you believe well there ius one and thats consent ie no is no and at anytime including change of mind
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It certainly strengthened our relationship, but what no-one tells you is how important communication is. I've always been a sucker for communication as its something I need in a relationship anyway, but the amount of couples we've meet over the years that say one of them isn't really into swinging but goes along with it for fear of losing their partner is alarming. Some couples just do not communicate enough effectively, meaning that one or both of them have issues before they enter the lifestyle and expect swinging to fix their relationship. If you arent very solid in your relationship I'd strongly advise against joining the lifestyle, I promise you it will only make things worse. Also, no-one tells you about the amount of single men posing as a couple on here. It's so obvious so I dont know why they bother. I dont agree with men making a profile on here in the hopes that they can convince their partner to swing (who has usually already said no repeatedly many times)
I think that shows very poor character and is a breach of trust
Mrs x |
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One thing that's really stood out is just how consistent the advice has been, even from people with very different experiences.
Communication, honesty, trust, patience and never feeling pressured seem to be the foundations that everything else is built on.
It's also been reassuring to hear that there's no "right" speed to travel this journey.
Some of you have taken years to reach certain milestones, others have found the social side just as rewarding as the physical side, and several of you reminded us that it's perfectly fine to say "not today" or even change your mind completely.
That feels like a really healthy way to approach it.
We also love the idea that the social side comes first. Spending time with people, sharing a laugh and getting to know each other feels like the best foundation for trust and, if there's chemistry, whatever comes next.
The comments about four-way attraction being much harder than expected have been particularly interesting too. It makes perfect sense when you think about it, and actually takes a bit of pressure off. We'd much rather meet people we genuinely click with than chase experiences for the sake of it.
We've also taken on board the advice about trusting our instincts, sticking to our own boundaries, and remembering that not everyone online is necessarily who they say they are.
Like most things in life, a bit of common sense goes a long way and we can smell the BS a mile away.
The biggest takeaway for us is that this really is a journey we'll be taking together. We've already spent countless hours talking about boundaries, expectations and "what if" scenarios, and those conversations have brought us even closer. Reading your replies has reinforced that we're starting with what matters most.
Most importantly, thank you for reminding us that it's supposed to be fun. That's probably the simplest piece of advice, but also the easiest to lose sight of.
We really appreciate everyone who's shared their experiences. Hopefully we'll have a few stories of our own to add one day (and soon) 😊
A&N x |
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All great advice.
I have two to add.
The first is more practical than anything.
Take flip-flops if you're going to dress down at a swingers club.
You don't know what you walking on or in at the loos.
Second, is for the fellas.
Don't take your eyes off your wife during any meet. There could be a reason she has gone quiet or isn't chatting. Have a 'stop now' plan rehearsed in case you need it.
Don't be the nice guy if it comes to something she clearly isn't enjoying or looks like it might be something she won't enjoy. |
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Make your own rules/boundaries and stick to them. Dont let anyone else chamge your mind as i poss be for their benefit only. If something doesnt sound or feel right then it prob isnt...be your gut telling you something. You can say no to anyone if your not comfy with something, they should respect that without questioning it really.
Main thing it have fun and do what you both want to do |
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Chat about the dos and don't before going to a club or meet.
Remember there is no rush, take your time, not others idea of time.
We have a safety valve.
If one of us squeeze the others big toe, its get up off the bed now, not later, not up for discussion.
Only used it once.
Sadly, you will see this site has an overwhelming number of dreamers, fantasists, drama queens and plain, old fashioned nutters.
There is also a great number of really nice people, but its an effort to sort the wheat from the chaff.
At least with clubs, swingers holidays and parties everyone there has made an effort to show up, so that's a really good start.
Have a great journey, we have.
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Im a single guy that's been on the site a few years, I've met some great people, mainly couples. Don't be afraid to ask some searching questions, I have found honesty is the best policy, liars invariably get found out, look for good verifications.
Good luck to you, have fun and enjoy the ride. |
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My usual introduction with a newish couple is, if this starts affecting either of you and how you feel emotionally, we all stop.
There have been a few couples where the reality has not been as emotionally care free as they thought it would be. We stopped, no harm done. Likewise on solo sessions with the lady, I have returned her to hubby after 30 minutes because he felt unexpected emotions. The next time, he was ok.
No matter how much you prepare always communicate on your feet(or back) with each other and just call it if either of you are having a wobble.
Anyone playing with you will respect you enough to put your joint emotional needs before their pleasure. If they don't, don't return. |
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Great advice above all very true and relevant. A couple of things we would add, go at the speed of the slowest, we found clubs the easiest way to meet people and ensure there is mutual attraction.
Having read your profile and circumstances you are probably in the need of a holiday? Get yourselves to Gran Canaria PDI or Cap in France. Both have plenty of bars, clubs and people in the lifestyle. It has been the best way to meet other couples and singles, a few drinks, laughs and a chat if you like the social side as well. We have made some great friends long term friends in the lifestyle we have met on holiday in GC or Cap. |
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"Great advice above all very true and relevant. A couple of things we would add, go at the speed of the slowest, we found clubs the easiest way to meet people and ensure there is mutual attraction.
Having read your profile and circumstances you are probably in the need of a holiday? Get yourselves to Gran Canaria PDI or Cap in France. Both have plenty of bars, clubs and people in the lifestyle. It has been the best way to meet other couples and singles, a few drinks, laughs and a chat if you like the social side as well. We have made some great friends long term friends in the lifestyle we have met on holiday in GC or Cap."
Great advice.
Treat yourselves to a holiday in a swingers resort.
Playa del Ingles in Gran Canaria is a great starting point, if it suits you, then its a step up to Cap D'Agde.
The great thing about a swingers holiday you can take it at your own pace, dip in and out, not a timewaster or dreamer in sight.
There's a sexual excitement and electricity in the air, hard to explain but if you are into swinging or just plain old sexy times, a swingers holiday should be on your bucket list.
We even like weekends in a Blackpool hotel with club visits.
We all deserve a good time.
Have fun. |
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Hi and welcome
Some snippets for you.
1) have a code word if one of you is not interested.
2) Never be pressured in taking one for the team.
3) At the end of the day it is just sex and emotions with other people shouldn't come in to it
We have been on the scene since the late 90s on and off. We have enjoyed clubs and parties and our favourite being house parties. If you get an invite to a house party definately go. At the moment we are taking a few months off, this stops it from getting stale and boring. It is not our whole life but a small extension to some naughty fun. Xx
At |
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By *b03Man 3 days ago
Exeter |
As a single male who's been here a fair while.
1. Simple supply and demand. You'd better make sure your profile is good and you can walk the walk, or you're shooting yourself in the foot
2. Maturity and the right pyschology. As the above, you're often be ignored or not responded to, most of the time it's not even intentional.
3. Be realistic. Most of your interest will come from couples. Essentially with fab statistics, you're a piece of meat. Not to say that you're disposable, but anyone looking for single males can pick and choose.
4. Cock pictures only attract attention from other men (cool is that's your thing) women and couples know what a penis looks like. the one on your profile is one of thousands
5. Safety! Always bring your own protection, let others know what you're upto, and do your homework before a meet. scammers often go for single guys first since they know they'll have better success.
6. Practice makes perfect. Go on socials, goto clubs, be social, talk to people, send messages that aren't a proposition or a penis picture. Noones impressed by any of that.
7. Don't do anything you're not into even if it's the only offer you've had. You'll only regret it.
|
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"It is a journey of discovery for both of you.
What are boundaries today get pushed, sometimes in the heat of battle, and may disappear, but only after a lot of conversations.
If something happens in the midst of play that was beyond what you discussed, don't get angry; don't argue. Talk about it afterwards, how you each felt, and whether it is a boundary that can be moved or dropped altogether.
You will almost certainly end up travelling on the journey at different speeds. The trick to making it work is knowing when one of you has to put the brake on their hopes and expectations, and when the other needs to squeeze the accelerator slightly.
"
Very level-headed and excellent advice that most do not get. |
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"Hi everyone!
We actually joined this site a little while ago (exciting times) but had to press pause while caring for elderly parents.
Now that chapter has passed, we're finally able to focus on ourselves again.
We're excited to start exploring fantasies we've shared for years and to meet genuine, like-minded people along the way.
As we've been reading profiles and browsing the forums, it got us wondering...
What surprised you most once you entered the lifestyle?
Was the reality different from what you expected?
Did it strengthen your relationship?
Was there anything you wish you'd known before you took that first step?
If you could give one piece of advice to a genuinely excited newbie couple (we're not completely newbie individually, just new to exploring this together), what would it be?
We're really looking forward to hearing your stories, advice and experiences.
Hopefully your replies will help us get started on this exciting journey.
We honestly can't wait! And who knows... perhaps (we definitely will) we'll meet some of you along the way too. 😊"
I'm single solo polyamorous.
What surprised me:
1. How bad at sex some people ( all genders)are. 
2. How much people use swinging as a bandaid for something else going on with them psychologically but are not aware of that. My band-aid was disconnection from my body but thankfully naturism and swinging has helped that! It's cheaper than a sex therapist or psychosomatic bodyworker! and I can move at my own pace with social support from different perspectives and it introduced me to kink. Which really helped me rip the band-aid off. My psychological team was aware that I was entering the lifestyle so they....(uncomfortably for them too) have been on this journey with me.
3. How much I would enjoy it after the first few initial panics. Lol! It made me realise how powerful my body is. Was not expecting that at all. I always viewed myself as weak. Not anymore.
 |
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"Great advice above all very true and relevant. A couple of things we would add, go at the speed of the slowest, we found clubs the easiest way to meet people and ensure there is mutual attraction.
Having read your profile and circumstances you are probably in the need of a holiday? Get yourselves to Gran Canaria PDI or Cap in France. Both have plenty of bars, clubs and people in the lifestyle. It has been the best way to meet other couples and singles, a few drinks, laughs and a chat if you like the social side as well. We have made some great friends long term friends in the lifestyle we have met on holiday in GC or Cap.
Great advice.
Treat yourselves to a holiday in a swingers resort.
Playa del Ingles in Gran Canaria is a great starting point, if it suits you, then its a step up to Cap D'Agde.
The great thing about a swingers holiday you can take it at your own pace, dip in and out, not a timewaster or dreamer in sight.
There's a sexual excitement and electricity in the air, hard to explain but if you are into swinging or just plain old sexy times, a swingers holiday should be on your bucket list.
We even like weekends in a Blackpool hotel with club visits.
We all deserve a good time.
Have fun."
I went to Cap first. Lol! Typical deep end....Lol! But I have a 37-year love affair with France. I was too busy sunning my arse drinking rose wine and eating too much cheese to be worried about swinging. Lol! I speak basic French so communication is not a problem for me. I know more French than Spanish. |
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By *akat158Couple 3 days ago
Nottinghamshire |
We have quickly realised that the community is made up of regular people.
That's not a terribly stunning observation, I know. But it means that there's all kinds of people, some you'll get along with and some are the kind of people that don't take their shopping trolley back to the trolley park at the supermarket.
Also, make sure to stand up for yourself as some people will take advantage without gaining proper consent.
I bet they don't take their trolley back either. |
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"As a single male who's been here a fair while.
1. Simple supply and demand. You'd better make sure your profile is good and you can walk the walk, or you're shooting yourself in the foot
2. Maturity and the right pyschology. As the above, you're often be ignored or not responded to, most of the time it's not even intentional.
3. Be realistic. Most of your interest will come from couples. Essentially with fab statistics, you're a piece of meat. Not to say that you're disposable, but anyone looking for single males can pick and choose.
4. Cock pictures only attract attention from other men (cool is that's your thing) women and couples know what a penis looks like. the one on your profile is one of thousands
5. Safety! Always bring your own protection, let others know what you're upto, and do your homework before a meet. scammers often go for single guys first since they know they'll have better success.
6. Practice makes perfect. Go on socials, goto clubs, be social, talk to people, send messages that aren't a proposition or a penis picture. Noones impressed by any of that.
7. Don't do anything you're not into even if it's the only offer you've had. You'll only regret it.
"
Good advice. You sound like a level-headed young man. |
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Go at your own speed, savourevery moment and don't be pushed by others if the pace doesn't suit. Demand respect from your play partners.
Remember it's not real life, just a boost to your sex life.
If it's not enhancing your relationship then stop.
Otherwise enjoy 😁😁😁 |
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If a couple is not ready to talk to eachother openly about their feelings, fears, fantasies and limits, they're likely not ready for Fab.
But .. what surprised me was the depth of the community as in genuine friendships lasting many years.
Best tip is there is someone for everyone and don't take anything personally. If someone doesn't like you, that's fine, don't waste time worrying about it.
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By *enelope2UWoman 3 days ago
Doesn't matter cant block distances |
Been in it 26 years never been out of it
so I find those usually have zero clue and think it's porn or 50 shades rather than someone's actual being...
For me it's not an escape it's not a kink it's not a secret taboo whatever word people want to apply... It's 100 who I am, and what I enjoy 100% if the time. My friends are aware my family are aware and I choose to live my life honestly and definitely internally and externally shame free.
The hardest part is finding someone else that honest about it in return. |
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Be honest. Be kind. Be straightforward. Know your worth, and never let anyone make you feel like you're "too much."
The right people won't ask you to be smaller —they'll respect everything that makes you, you. |
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By *bflirtyCouple 2 days ago
Leighton Buzzard |
A couple we met in the early days told us about a secret signal they had - pinkie pull. If something is happening that either party isn't 100% comfortable with they pull their partner's little finger and that means "We stop now, no discussion, get me out of here". We adopted it purselves, thankfully rarely had to use it but it's a good failsafe to have. |
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For me, I was suprised when I became half a couple at how much ffm /ff play is wanted and expected on here.
I met my other half here ten years ago. We took break for us, for a while, then both wanted to stay on the scene.
The advice I'd give couples (after unicorns) and men is, manage
your expectations here. It's not easy to meet bi fems or to find couples where there's that 4 way attraction.
Also get out and meet others in the real world either at clubs or socials. Don't just rely on fab.
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