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Dad jokes
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I'm running low and need some new ones, help me out guys |
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I got a refrigerator for my wife today
It was a good trade |
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What’s similar to a parrot and orange
A carrot |
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I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes.
She gave me a hug. |
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How do you get pikachu on a bus .....pokehimon |
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[Removed by poster at 16/03/26 19:24:52] |
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"How do you get pikachu on a bus .....pokehimon"
😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 |
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A local robber has been breaking into local food manufacturers, cleaning them all out in the process before finally doing over the McVitie's factory.
That last one really took the biscuit... |
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I was at the optician’s the other day. They told me I needed to stop wanking. Will it make me go blind, I asked. He said, no you can’t do it in the waiting room |
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By (user no longer on site) 5 weeks ago
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What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe. |
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By *olo180Man 5 weeks ago
Greater London |
I bought a dog from my local blacksmith.
When I got it home it made a bolt for the door! |
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By (user no longer on site) 5 weeks ago
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Maybe a bit dark but why did the little girl fall off the swing?
She didn't have any arms.
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What do you get when you mix angry sheep with angry cows ?
A farmer that's in a baaaaaaaaaa-d moooooooooooo-d
🤣🤣🤣 |
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I asked my wife if I was the only one she's been with. She said yes, the rest were nines and tens. |
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Why doesn't Viagra work on chavs?
Because they only get hard with ten mates behind them. |
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Archaeologists found a mummy covered in hazelnuts, they think its phaero roche |
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Thats funnier if I spelt pharaoh right |
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"Thats funnier if I spelt pharaoh right"
Still funny. Good one mate. 👍🏾☺️ |
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My wife threatened to leave me the other day saying I was too arrogant.... I told her not to let the door hit her on her way back in |
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Teacher said to her class 'who can give me a sentence with the word fascinate in?"
Little Jonny put his hand up " I can Miss. My new coat has ten buttons but I can only fasten eight!" |
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I told my wife I have a crush on Beyoncé, and she said, "Well, whatever floats your boat."
I said, "No, that’s buoyancy."
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I’m excited about the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night. |
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For St Patrick's Day.
What do you call an Irishman who bounces off walls?
Rick O'Shea |
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By (user no longer on site) 5 weeks ago
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What do you call an Irish woman who sits outside at all times?
Patty O'Furniture |
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By *oldmilkMan 5 weeks ago
Trouble, apparently… |
Q: Why do women multitask?
A: Because they can’t prioritise! |
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Mother in law told me when you die im gonna dance on your grave..
Have fun i replied im being buried at sea x |
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I knew his brother had 2 panes of glass behind his ears ..
Paddy o,doors |
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What do you call an Irish man who bounces off walls?
Rick O'Shea |
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A new mash up sinead O'connor and the chuckle brothers has been released for St Patrick's day.
Nothing Compares To You, To Me, To You. |
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By *akedMMan 5 weeks ago
Witney |
"I’m excited about the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night."
I like this one
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I told my girlfriend that she had drawn her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised. |
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"My wife threatened to leave me the other day saying I was too arrogant.... I told her not to let the door hit her on her way back in"
😂😂 |
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By (user no longer on site) 5 weeks ago
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A man walks into a bar holding a tiny piano with a tiny man playing it.
The bartender says, “Where did you find that?”
“There’s a magic lamp just outside with a genie that grants wishes,” the man replies.
The bartender runs outside, grabs the lamp, rubs it, and says, “I wish for a million bucks!”
All of a sudden, ducks begin falling from the sky.
Confused, the bartender shouts, “I said bucks, not ducks!”
The man shrugs. “Did you think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?” |
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By *agic.MMan 5 weeks ago
Orpington |
Three people having sex is called threesome
Four people having sex is called foursome
...now I understand why people call me HANDSOME 👀 |
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What do you call a donkey with 3 legs ?
A wonkey 😁 |
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I don’t normally tell dad jokes but when I do he laughs |
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Asked the wife if she wants to go out for a meal tommorow night, she said yes.
So now I've got the house to myself. |
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I was watching porno with the wife
After looking at the shaven pussy on screen
I said to wife why don’t you shave your cunt
I woke up in the morning with a bald head |
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What’s the difference between a giraffe and a jcb?
Ones got hydraulics and the other high Bollux !
Forgive me lol |
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What’s better than roses on a piano ?
Tulips on your organ …
Promise that’s the last one ! |
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By *agic.MMan 5 weeks ago
Orpington |
Had a huge argument with the wife last night...this morning I walked in the kitchen and there was a note on the fridge from her saying "This isn't working anymore "...opened the fridge and it was working fine  |
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By *olo180Man 5 weeks ago
Greater London |
What do you use a Wombat for?
To play Wom |
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My wife says she has 14 reasons why she could leave me, including my obsession with tennis….
I said thats 15 Love |
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By *ophie_GTV/TS 5 weeks ago
Gainsborough |
Which messenger service do trees use?
Whatsap |
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What has 99 balls and fucks old ladies?
🗣️BINGO! |
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Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a ripe banana |
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Why is it difficult to play Irish music?
It's very fiddly. |
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I think I've bought the world's worst thesaurus.
Not only is it awful, it's awful |
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By *ookieMan 5 weeks ago
Grays |
What do you call a sheep with no legs ….
A cloud 😎 |
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Disney Pixar are working on a new feature length movie about a trans whale, it’s going to be called Maybe Dick. |
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Why isn’t there a pregnant Barbie doll?
Because Ken came in another box. |
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A Priest, a Pastor, and a Rabbit walk into a blood donation clinic. The nurse asks the Rabbit "What blood type are you?"
"I think I'm a Type-O", replied the Rabbit |
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I was hooked on auctions after only going once..
...going twice.. |
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By *cgmcgMan 5 weeks ago
kingston |
"Disney Pixar are working on a new feature length movie about a trans whale, it’s going to be called Maybe Dick."
That really made me chuckle |
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By *aviniaCDTV/TS 5 weeks ago
Leeds (close to G.A.P.) |
I always remember what my dear old mum said to me as she lay on her deathbed....
I'm not sure you're meant to turn that off....  |
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My nephew is four years old and he can’t say please in Spanish.
That poor for four. |
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By *eyeYCouple 5 weeks ago
Nr Leicester |
My favourite..
2 fish in a tank, one say's to the other "So, do you know how to drive this thing?"
My son's
I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger and bigger, then it hit me. |
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I was going to tell the joke about the tropical birds glued together.
But never mind, it's toucan fusing. |
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"I always remember what my dear old mum said to me as she lay on her deathbed....
I'm not sure you're meant to turn that off.... "
Reminds me of my nan
She was pushing 101 when she died
Glad she wasn’t driving my car
And my grandad he died peacefully in his sleep
The passengers on his bus were apparently screaming and histerical |
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My friend Tony asked me not to say his name backwards…..
I said y not |
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What's the difference between a piano, a fish, and glue.
You can tune a piano but you can't tuna fish.
What about the glue.
I knew you'd get stuck on that. |
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The police are looking for a man with one eye called Murphy.
I don't know what his other eye is called. |
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By (user no longer on site) 4 weeks ago
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What key opens bananas best? A Mon-key.
I went to the shop to buy 6 cans of sprite..when I got home I realised I'd picked 7up |
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By (user no longer on site) 4 weeks ago
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When is a door not a door? When it's ajar
In 2025, I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one either in 2024,2023,2022,2021...it's becoming a running joke
Tried to catch the fog last night. I mist. |
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I went to possibly the worst pub in Staffordshire last night, it was called The Fiddle.
As soon as I walked inside, I just knew…
… this was a vile Inn |
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By (user no longer on site) 4 weeks ago
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A man with a stutter has been sentenced to 5 years in prison for armed robbery, but police do not believe he will complete his sentence. |
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By (user no longer on site) 4 weeks ago
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I told an ex I had a 12 inch cock... She said no it's not, it just smells like a foot. |
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By (user no longer on site) 4 weeks ago
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I had sex with twins once.
I was asked if it was difficult telling them apart
Yes, it was easy, I said. Mary had this cheeky glint in her eyes when she laughed and Bob, well, Bob has a cock. |
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Anymore jokes?? I'm running low now as I write one in my daughter's packed lunch each day.. 😂 |
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By *athomMan 4 weeks ago
South Coast |
"Anymore jokes?? I'm running low now as I write one in my daughter's packed lunch each day.. 😂"
Disney teaches you to hate your step mum whereas Porn hub has a totally different approach.
( should guarantee 3 day exclusion) |
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"Anymore jokes?? I'm running low now as I write one in my daughter's packed lunch each day.. 😂
Disney teaches you to hate your step mum whereas Porn hub has a totally different approach.
( should guarantee 3 day exclusion)"
😱😱😱 |
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I lost 3 fingers at work the other day, I asked the doctor “ will I still be able to write with it?” He told me “yeah it should be fine, but I wouldn’t count on it”
The mr |
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What is Forrest Gumps password
1Forrest1 |
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"I lost 3 fingers at work the other day, I asked the doctor “ will I still be able to write with it?” He told me “yeah it should be fine, but I wouldn’t count on it”
The mr "
🙌😂 |
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"What is Forrest Gumps password
1Forrest1"
😅 |
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By *olo180Man 4 weeks ago
Greater London |
"Anymore jokes?? I'm running low now as I write one in my daughter's packed lunch each day.. 😂"
What does a clock do when it’s hungry?
It goes back 4 seconds |
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By (user no longer on site) 4 weeks ago
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How do you weigh a millennial? In insta-grams |
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What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?
I've never had a lentil on my face. |
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By (user no longer on site) 4 weeks ago
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Started reading a horror book in braille. Something bad is about to happen. I can feel it |
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Doctor doctor I think I'm shrinking!
Take a seat in the waiting room, you're going to have to be a little patient. |
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By (user no longer on site) 4 weeks ago
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What do you call a blind dinosaur?
Doyouthinkhesaurus.
What do you call a blind dinosaurs dog?
Doyouthinkhesaurus Rex. |
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The government have suddenly realised that job swapping certain occupations may alleviate some current problems..
First up they are to swap doctors receptionists with Border control..
Those of you who have not been able to get an appointment at the doctors should find you'll get one now..
Whilst the boat problem should cease with doctors receptionists manning the coast.. |
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By (user no longer on site) 4 weeks ago
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Ever had sex while camping? It's fucking intents |
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What does a horny frog say
'Rub It' 'Rub It'
Fx |
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Have you ever tried archery blindfolded? You don't know what your missing! |
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What's the difference between Jam and Marmalade?
You can't Marmalade your cock up your partner's ass. |
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What do you call a Chinese man with an amputated leg?
Tai Wan Shu
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What do you call a Mexican gentleman who can’t find his car?
Carlos |
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I'm not sure how the market will take my new line of perspex coffins - remains to be seen. |
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By *WB85Man 4 weeks ago
Staffordshire |
Whats the difference between me and Superman?
Superman has super vision, I require supervision. |
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I started a band called "999 Megabytes".
We still haven't got a gig... |
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By *uchasGMan 4 weeks ago
Northwest |
What's the difference between hard and light?
I can get to sleep with a light on  |
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Guy to his mate “Jesus my ass is in bits”
Mate: Ring sting?
Guy “What the fuck would he know about it?” |
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If I wanted comeback I'd wipe it off your chin  |
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[Removed by poster at 28/03/26 03:06:43] |
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Teacher asked wee Johnny for a sentence with the word contagious in it.
Wee Johnny thinks a a minute. " Yesterday, my mum saw my dad painting the fence with a 2 inch brush, and she said, It's going to take the cunt ages... " |
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How can you tell which nurse at the hospital is the head nurse?
She's the one with the red knees. |
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I saw Steven Hawking wanking once..........................................................
It was a stroke of genius. |
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I’m reading a book about anti-gravity…
It’s impossible to put down. 😏 |
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Then God created Saturn...and he liked it, so he put a ring on it. |
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"I saw Steven Hawking wanking once..........................................................
It was a stroke of genius."
I want the link to that video |
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What do you call a man with a two-inch penis?
Justin. |
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What do u call a magical dog..... an abracalabrador  |
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What do u call android phone's security team....
The guardians of the galaxy |
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What did the hat say to the other hat on the hat stand....
Stay here, im going on ahead |
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By *ophie_GTV/TS 4 weeks ago
Gainsborough |
The mortuary staff had their monthly night out at their local pub
It was a "Open Mike Night" |
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What do you call a fridge with a denim jacket on..
A fridge with a denim jacket |
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Two cows standing in a field and one says “Mooooooooooo!!”
The other turns to him and say “Ah you sod, I was gonna say that” |
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By (user no longer on site) 4 weeks ago
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What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus. |
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Two parrots are sitting on a perch.
One parrot says to the other
" hey, can you smell fish? ' |
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By (user no longer on site) 4 weeks ago
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A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his crotch.
The bartender asks, "Hey Cap'n, what's with that steering wheel there?"
"Yarrrrrrr," the pirate says, "it's driving me nuts!" |
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It takes a lot of balls to play golf the way I do.
I used to be a freelance journalist, but I was rubbish. Lance is still in prison.
A friend asked me if training to be a locksmith was worth it. It told him that often course it was. It would open a lot if doors for him. |
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I fell through the roof of a French bakery. Now I'm in a world of pain.
My friend was the victim of his own success. His trophy cabinet fell on him.
Did you hear about the lonly pyromaniac? He's still looking for the perfect match. |
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A man was asked a another man pwhy he was pulling a length of string behind him he replied have you ever tried pushing a length of string |
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What's E.T. short for?
Because he's only got little legs. |
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Apparently a pint of Guinness is bigot bellend Nigel Farage's favourite drink.
Oh, the fucking irony.
It's black, from a foreign country and you're supposed to wait for it to settle... |
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There's an egg and a sausage in a pan, the sausage says "blimey it's getting hot in here". The egg says "jesus Christ! A talking sausage"! |
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Pirate got to the drs with a steering wheel stuck to his nob.
Dr says “that looks uncomfortable“
Pirate replies “arrrrrr it’s driving me nuts”
The mr |
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"What's E.T. short for?
Because he's only got little legs. "
And why have elephants got big ears?
.
.
Because Noddy won't pay the ransom. |
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By *om_38Man 3 weeks ago
stoke |
Sit you hear about the magic tractor……
It went down the road and turned into a field |
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What's brown and rhymes with Snoop
Dr Dre |
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Whats white and blue and sits in a tree
A fridge with a denim jacket on |
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By *PS81Man 3 weeks ago
Ashton |
what's blue and not heavy?
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light blue |
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There was a time when I was younger that could eat like a horse.
That was my hay day. |
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During the winter, to warm up you should stand in the corner of a room, thats because its at 90 degrees |
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Theres only 2 things in life i regret....
- the amount of times ive screwed up
- calling my dog up |
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I love going outdoors, it's safer than going out windows |
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Who wants to hear a joke about pizza?
Nvm it’s to cheesy |
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Little Johnny asks his Dad "why is this book so thick?"
Well johnny, it's a long story... |
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By *hesblokeMan 3 weeks ago
Derbyshire village |
What's blue but not very heavy?
Light blue.
What's got five toes but isn't your foot?
My foot.
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
Ones really heavy, the others a little lighter. |
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I bought a chicken to make sandwiches.
It doesn't!!
It just makes a lot of noise and sh1ts on the floor. |
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What's the difference between a dwarf and a midget?
Very little. |
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What kinda of meat does a vegetarian priest eat??
Nun. |
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I've been target with a lot of jokes for optometrists recently and I have to be honest, they're getting Cornea and Cornea. |
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I went to a seafood disco the other night.
I pulled a mussel. |
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I Googled 'Missing medieval servant' and it said, 'Page not found.'
I'm not a fan of current buns, I prefer more old fashioned ones.
What do you call a group of crows staring greedily at a bird feeder? A tempted murder.
My friend went off the rails badly when he was younger, which is probably why he's no longer a train driver.
I was always taking notes at my last job, and then they checked the till.
Staff at the sperm bank gathered in the car park for a fire drill before the alarms even went off. It was premature evacuation.
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Did you hear about the guy who collapsed trying to climb Mount Everest?
Authorities just found Himalayan there. |
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"I Googled 'Missing medieval servant' and it said, 'Page not found.'
"
Serfing the web were you?
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By *ypersoonMan 3 weeks ago
WHITCHURCH, Shropshire |
I spilled spot remover on my dog, now he's gone 😜 |
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I saw an amateur Spanish magician performing his act for the first time last night.
He said he’d “disappear on three”, but vanished without a tres. |
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How do you get down from an elephant?
You can’t.
You have to get down from a duck. |
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The inventor of the Autocorrect died recently. Apparently, his funnel is tomato. |
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I knew that I would never become a lawyer. I simply can't pass a bar.
Shagpile: An experience both painful and pleasant.
I used to be a freelance journalist, but I was rubbish. Lance is still in prison.
Soaring: The curry was too hot.
Thesaurus: A condition caused by eating a very hot curry. See Soaring above.
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I would tell you a time travelling joke but you didn't get it |
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Someone asked Arnold Schwarzenegger what his favourite holiday is.
He answered...
“Have to love Easter baby" |
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I have 1 hair on my chest.
I called it Tony.
Tony one I've got. |
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One a Spanish woman called juan eater
She only has one tooth |
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I bought a toilet brush the other day but I really don't like it.
I'm going back to using toilet paper. |
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Two cows in a field, once said moo. 🐄
The other said "damn, I was going to say that". 🐮 |
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What do you call a witch that likes the beach- a sandwich |
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"Two cows in a field, once said moo. 🐄
The other said "damn, I was going to say that". 🐮"
What did the fish say as it banged it's head against a wall....
DAM! |
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Where do rainbows go when they've been bad? To prism, so they have time to reflect on what they've done. |
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What did Mike Tyson say to Chris Hemsworth after working out ~ You're going to be Thor tomorrow |
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Why did the chicken join the band?
Because it had the drumsticks |
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My dad reversed his car and said "Ah, this takes me back". |
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By *YDB75Man 2 weeks ago
East Yorks |
Went to a family party we danced to the classics.
We twisted to the twist
We bumped to the bump
When Dexies midnight runners came on my Aunty Eileen was not happy with at all!! |
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Someone stole my socks from the washing line.
I was going to chase them but I got cold feet!
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What do boobs and toys have in common
They're both originally for kids but adults end up playing with them |
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Spotted an albino Dalmatian the other day
Was the least could do for him. |
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Found some coins in the washing machine. Is this money laundering? |
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The Chinese man who invented the camera lens has passed away.
Rest in peace, Zu Min. |
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What did one leg say to the other
United we stand, divided we’re screwed |
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What did the Greek cheese say to the mirror?
..
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Hellooo Me |
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By *aviniaCDTV/TS 2 weeks ago
Leeds (close to G.A.P.) |
A guy down our street was shot last night by a gunman using a starting pistol.
The police suspect it was race related.... |
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My wife is quite the meteorologist.
My neighbour just called her to ask if the coast was clear. |
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What was Bob Marley's favourite kind of sweet treat?
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.
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Anything..... wi' jam in |
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I keep getting the urge to purchase a large white bear from the Arctic. The psychiatrist says that I have Buy Polar disorder.
I shall be hosting a large charity event for people who have difficulty achieving orgasm. Please let me know if you can't come.
'Jesus Loves You' Sounds lovely in church, but it isn't what you want to hear in a Mexican prison.
Darth Vader has a corrupt younger brother. Taxi Vader.
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A shop assistant managed to fight off a robber using his labelling gun. Police are now looking for a man with a price on his head. |
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"I shall be hosting a large charity event for people who have difficulty achieving orgasm. Please let me know if you can't come.
"
Tonight I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators anonymous......turns out its tomorrow |
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Well well well 3 holes in the ground |
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Apparently, Particularly Pellow has arthritis. He feels it in his fingers, he feels it in his toes. |
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"Apparently, Particularly Pellow has arthritis. He feels it in his fingers, he feels it in his toes."
Marti Pellow. Curse autocorrect. |
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What's the difference between the bible and a cock?
Nothing, the local vicar rammed both down my throat when I was a kid. |
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