FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Should women message first more?
Should women message first more?
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The general feeling on fab and dating apps is men are primary chasers so they always message first and women do the picking. Men are typically more hornier too so this makes sense they message first.
Men.. do you like women who message first? Or do you prefer to make the first move? Women do you message guys first on here to much success?
I’d like to start messaging guys first but always too nervous to as a TS, but what I do love about fab in that regard is how their profile states if they’re interested in you before messaging. I might start messaging guys first now  |
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By *iver78Man 3 weeks ago
barton upon humber |
Rare ot happens on here. But yes really do appreciate a message of a lady
It's a mine field lol I love winks to as I know there there intrested but iv learnt a lot of women don't!! But it feels better for me to have a wink ignored than I message |
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Some people erroneously think that a man taking the initiative is considered "chasing" or because he's horny. Most (but not all, but almost all) women - despite giving the indication on their profiles that they are looking to engage - are often reluctant and apathetic in sending the first message, which is a shame.
In the past I've created threads where I enquired about their reticence and why they don't send messages. Only a handful of women gave a response within the thread, most were reluctant to be open and only gave their responses to me via a direct message: lack of confidence, fear of rejection and apathy. They limited their efforts to a perfunctory wink or just focusing on the messages that they received ("I shouldn't have to; I get enough in my inbox anyway!").
"Men.. do you like women who message first? Or do you prefer to make the first move?"
I would say 80% of my interactions, socials, dates and dalliances over the last three years have been on the back of women sending the first message. I perhaps send a handful of messages per year, excluding those from the forums which are usually related to games, challenges or 'in-thread' participation, or perhaps keeping in touch with friends, otherwise I rarely message. |
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By *ootyLoverMan 3 weeks ago
Waterford/Tipperary/Cork/Limerick |
Prefer a lady to message first, it is very rare it happens so it's very appreciated when it does.
I also know ye are inundated with messages on this site so I don't like to add to the carnage by sending messages often |
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I dont have a preference for who messages first, but I would hope that if a female/couple saw something in my profile they liked and wanted to know more, they would just drop a message.
As guys, we dont get tons of messages a day like I am sure a lot of women do, so even a straight forward "Hi" is enough to break the ice and the get a conversation going. |
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It's up to the women. If they want they can, don't see a problem with how it is at the moment. Even if it was only the women that could message first there'd still be guys moaning in the forums that they don't get messages, so don't think much would change lol |
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In an ideal world this would be great if more women made the first move with intent, but biologically men are wired to be the pursuers, women more wired to be the pursued.
Have had a few approach me first in the past and it’s been very refreshing however, these are exceptions to the norm. |
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"Yes. It should be like bumble. Only women can message first.
Zero messages incoming!"
It's the way my profile is set up.
Now guys don't know I think their profile is crap/weird/off-putting, because they're not aware I ever looked. |
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"Should women message first more?"
It's up to them - I am sure some message first a lot, and others see their inboxes so full of unread messages they baulk at the idea of messaging (or losing a response in the sea of unsolicited yellow [oops, that sounds like the floor of a Weatherspoon's gents]).
"Do you like it when women message first?"
Yes. Some of my best friends from Fab have initiated the contact (and I do like physical contact, though i am a tad ticklish). |
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I'm usually too shy to message anyone first as my brain makes me question myself about everything and I assume they won't be interested. I normally wait for the other person to make the first move if they are interested. But I was brave and messaged someone first a few days ago and we have been having an amazing chat since. So maybe I should be a bit braver and message first more! |
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I'm not shy in messaging first if I like a profile, What's the worst that can happen? A polite no thanks, ignored or blocked,
I always get ridiculously excited if a lady or couple message me first providing I like their profile,a bit like the scene out of the first Ghostbusters movie where they got a call about their first ghost, and the secretary screams out "WE GOT ONE" 😂
Apart from forum games, I think I've only been messaged first a dozen times or so since joining? I'm not complaining at all, it's just my experience using Fab,❤️
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By (user no longer on site) 3 weeks ago
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"I'd message first more if there were more men I found attractive
Ohhft..... shots fired 🤣"
But this is the difference isn't it.
Women only message those they are interested in.
Men message anyone in a 20mile radius
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"I'd message first more if there were more men I found attractive
Ohhft..... shots fired 🤣
But this is the difference isn't it.
Women only message those they are interested in.
Men message anyone in a 20mile radius
"
I think it's probably a large minority of men who do that |
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By (user no longer on site) 3 weeks ago
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"I'd message first more if there were more men I found attractive
Ohhft..... shots fired 🤣
But this is the difference isn't it.
Women only message those they are interested in.
Men message anyone in a 20mile radius
"
Yeah i dont do that, i usually read the profiles first, if i like what i read i may message, but i dont message everyone. |
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"I'd message first more if there were more men I found attractive
Ohhft..... shots fired 🤣
But this is the difference isn't it.
Women only message those they are interested in.
Men message anyone in a 20mile radius
"
Not all men  |
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"How do you know they dont message first?"
Several years ago I received a first message from a guy, berating me for ignoring all men on the site.
Which I found perplexing. One, it's not true. Two, how would he know what I do? The fact I'd never messaged *him* says nothing about who I do message or pay attention to. |
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I message first, or I did and if I did it was because I had seen something that interests me about the man, he fits my criteria and i therefore message appropriately
It may be that my hit rate is therefore high because i show real interest, or it may be because i have boobs
Who knows 🤷♀️ |
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"How do you know they dont message first?"
•
They do message first - that's not in dispute - this is mostly about the (plausible) perception of fewer women taking the initiative to send an introductory message (to men). |
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"I'd message first more if there were more men I found attractive
Ohhft..... shots fired 🤣
But this is the difference isn't it.
Women only message those they are interested in.
Men message anyone in a 20mile radius
"
Nah not all of them. I was once messaged after looking at a profile to be asked why I hadn’t messaged, I’d read the profile and I didn’t fit what they were looking for so I didn’t message, kind of ironic to be moaned at for not getting in touch lol |
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"I have messaged first a couple of times but my inbox is ridiculous and so I don't really get time to look at profiles and perv "
I think fab would be improved if women used the filters better and blocked single males from messaging first.
No more ridiculous amounts of junk mail.
If the lady did message a single male, he is able to bypass the filter and reply.
This would encourage serious single males to work on their profiles and prevent the avalanche of dick pics and 2 word messages.
Of course, the lazy ones will just set up couple profiles with a lady who is curiously always unavailable, but doesn’t mind her partner playing alone… |
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It’s how most my conversations are initiated being honest, that or through threads in the forum.
I understand how mind numbing it’s must be for a lady and couples tackling their inbox so to be noticed it’s extremely difficult yet not impossible, I’m of the mindset the right ones will find me when they are looking for new connections.
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The last introductory message I sent was in January 2020.
Every conversation I've had in the last 76 months has been started by a woman getting in touch.
My best friend messaged me first even before that so it's not rare at all.
It's actually a much better way of navigating fab because all those women can read my forum posts and make a decision based on that as well as my profile and they have all felt comfortable enough doing so. |
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"I'd message first more if there were more men I found attractive
Ohhft..... shots fired 🤣
But this is the difference isn't it.
Women only message those they are interested in.
Men message anyone in a 20mile radius
Nah not all of them. I was once messaged after looking at a profile to be asked why I hadn’t messaged, I’d read the profile and I didn’t fit what they were looking for so I didn’t message, kind of ironic to be moaned at for not getting in touch lol "
If someone looks at my profile and doesn’t show interest (wink or message) I assume they’re not interested.
Apart from the lady who looked at my profile every day, but I couldn’t message because of her filters. I mentioned this in a status update and she messaged me. |
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I'm not a woman, obvs, but I play that role sexually. FWIW, I have messaged guys first, occasionally, and pretty much always it leads nowhere. (And, for the cynics, it works out fabulously the other way around thank you- see my Veris here but much more over on Fabguys).
My (amateur psychobabble) conclusion is that for Top guys the pursuit and feeling in control as the 'Hunter' is an important aspect. Hey, nothing wrong with that, we are often in thrall to our more primitive instincts after all (cf 'You and Me Baby, We Ain't Nothing But Mammals...' |
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"How do you know they dont message first?
Several years ago I received a first message from a guy, berating me for ignoring all men on the site.
Which I found perplexing. One, it's not true. Two, how would he know what I do? The fact I'd never messaged *him* says nothing about who I do message or pay attention to."
Thats what i would imagine. I dont think all the women just sut around waiting.
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I’m horny all the time but I’m not the type to just fuck anything that has a pulse. There are a couple of reasons I don’t message first, 1. I have this fear of punching above my weight and being rejected and secondly I get so many messages I don’t spent most of the time trying to get through them. In honesty if it was left down to me I wouldn’t meet anyone 🤣 |
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"I'm not a woman, obvs, but I play that role sexually. FWIW, I have messaged guys first, occasionally, and pretty much always it leads nowhere. (And, for the cynics, it works out fabulously the other way around thank you- see my Veris here but much more over on Fabguys).
My (amateur psychobabble) conclusion is that for Top guys the pursuit and feeling in control as the 'Hunter' is an important aspect. Hey, nothing wrong with that, we are often in thrall to our more primitive instincts after all (cf 'You and Me Baby, We Ain't Nothing But Mammals...'"
Any guy that is insecure enough to worry about this isnt for me anyway 🤣🤣 |
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"I'd message first more if there were more men I found attractive
Ohhft..... shots fired 🤣
But this is the difference isn't it.
Women only message those they are interested in.
Men message anyone in a 20mile radius
"
Why restrict it to 20 miles.... |
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By (user no longer on site) 3 weeks ago
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"I'd message first more if there were more men I found attractive
Ohhft..... shots fired 🤣
But this is the difference isn't it.
Women only message those they are interested in.
Men message anyone in a 20mile radius
Why restrict it to 20 miles...."
Don't want to seem too desperate |
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By *iver78Man 3 weeks ago
barton upon humber |
Think the comment about bumble is spot on , this site is a women's world and then people can't moan about being bombarded with messages
But I'm pretty sure a lot of women love the attention  and get a ego boost by posting the fact they have sooooo many
I may be wrong , I usually am lol. |
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"
But I'm pretty sure a lot of women love the attention and get a ego boost by posting the fact they have sooooo many
I may be wrong , I usually am lol."
If they didnt want the messages they could easily filter. I agree with this part. |
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By (user no longer on site) 3 weeks ago
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"Think the comment about bumble is spot on , this site is a women's world and then people can't moan about being bombarded with messages
But I'm pretty sure a lot of women love the attention and get a ego boost by posting the fact they have sooooo many
I may be wrong , I usually am lol."
Everyone on here wants the attention.
Why people post pictures. I take my filters off when I need an ego boost. |
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"
But I'm pretty sure a lot of women love the attention and get a ego boost by posting the fact they have sooooo many
I may be wrong , I usually am lol."
I can tell you it’s not an ego boost getting so many messages, it can ultimately be quite demoralising, as they don’t read your profile |
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"Think the comment about bumble is spot on , this site is a women's world and then people can't moan about being bombarded with messages
But I'm pretty sure a lot of women love the attention and get a ego boost by posting the fact they have sooooo many
I may be wrong , I usually am lol."
When my filters were open, I just felt like I was drowning in abusive spam. |
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"Think the comment about bumble is spot on , this site is a women's world and then people can't moan about being bombarded with messages
But I'm pretty sure a lot of women love the attention and get a ego boost by posting the fact they have sooooo many
I may be wrong , I usually am lol."
I don't have loads of messages, but I do have my filters up. I'm happy to contact a male if I am interested in him. I have contacted and met a few from here. It isn't all one way, and i'm certainly not looking to boost my ego. |
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"
But I'm pretty sure a lot of women love the attention and get a ego boost by posting the fact they have sooooo many
I may be wrong , I usually am lol.
I can tell you it’s not an ego boost getting so many messages, it can ultimately be quite demoralising, as they don’t read your profile "
Filters🤷♀️
I dont accept unsolicited messages from single men
Its not difficult to stop the issue 😁 |
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"
But I'm pretty sure a lot of women love the attention and get a ego boost by posting the fact they have sooooo many
I may be wrong , I usually am lol.
I can tell you it’s not an ego boost getting so many messages, it can ultimately be quite demoralising, as they don’t read your profile
Filters🤷♀️
I dont accept unsolicited messages from single men
Its not difficult to stop the issue 😁"
This  |
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By *eliWoman 3 weeks ago
. |
If I'm interested in someone I'll message first. Rare that it happens but when it does I'll try and put a little effort in/not waffle crap.
I can understand to a certain extent why women might not message first. I sometimes worry about the evil rejection but it's not really rejection as such. It's not that deep. |
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"The general feeling on fab and dating apps is men are primary chasers so they always message first and women do the picking. Men are typically more hornier too so this makes sense they message first.
Men.. do you like women who message first? Or do you prefer to make the first move? Women do you message guys first on here to much success?
I’d like to start messaging guys first but always too nervous to as a TS, but what I do love about fab in that regard is how their profile states if they’re interested in you before messaging. I might start messaging guys first now "
If someone is looking for meets with TV/TS then message them.
There is absolutely nothing to lose |
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I think everyone likes to be appreciated, so getting a message is always fun. I presume women get bored of them after a while, but men don’t get enough to get over the initial excitement.
Obviously it’s an easy way for a woman to stand out as it’s rare. |
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"Think the comment about bumble is spot on , this site is a women's world and then people can't moan about being bombarded with messages
But I'm pretty sure a lot of women love the attention and get a ego boost by posting the fact they have sooooo many
I may be wrong , I usually am lol."
I can assure you it is not an ego boost at all, most men will lower their standards to get a shag so I don’t trust half of the messages and their compliments. Why should I
Filter men when that’s what I’m looking for, my age range isn’t that large either. |
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"I'm partial to an opening message and I'll take 'hello' as acceptable, unlike most women who seem to require chapter 3 of war and peace
😆 "
I'd love to message you KinkyLips but I'm a tad over your upper age limit ☹️ I could easily manage a 'hello' but for you Ms Dairypillows, I'd even stretch to a 'how you du-win'😀 |
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The majority of women who have messaged me have sent "Hey" or "Hi" as the first message. Which is ironic considering this is something they dislike receiving. Not much effort into the messages regarding having read my profile, why we would be a good match, similar interests etc.
But you know what? I don't care. I still engage. However, I'm not receiving hundreds or more messages every day. It's a very different experience for the men and women. Filters sound like a good idea so the women can decide if they want to have a conversation with someone they like. I'm not in a position where I need them. |
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Y'know ......when I read the archaic stuff like ' men are hunters, women are the hunted' I go in semi disbelief.
Even worse when women are given permission to message first as in some posts.
I grew up through the 50's , 60's 70's and no one sat waiting like a wallflower waiting to be picked or for permission to show interest.
If women aren't messaging you they don't want to........ and yes i'm speaking for all women  |
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"
But I'm pretty sure a lot of women love the attention and get a ego boost by posting the fact they have sooooo many
I may be wrong , I usually am lol.
I can tell you it’s not an ego boost getting so many messages, it can ultimately be quite demoralising, as they don’t read your profile
Filters🤷♀️
I dont accept unsolicited messages from single men
Its not difficult to stop the issue 😁"
I’ve had some great messages when I’ve had my filters down from guys I’d not seen or been aware of, so sometimes dropping them works for me |
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"The majority of women who have messaged me have sent "Hey" or "Hi" as the first message. Which is ironic considering this is something they dislike receiving. Not much effort into the messages regarding having read my profile, why we would be a good match, similar interests etc.
But you know what? I don't care. I still engage. However, I'm not receiving hundreds or more messages every day. It's a very different experience for the men and women. Filters sound like a good idea so the women can decide if they want to have a conversation with someone they like. I'm not in a position where I need them."
I wonder if the women who say hi, and the women who say "don't just say hi" are different women.
Although I'm not saying that hypocrisy is out of the question. |
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"The majority of women who have messaged me have sent "Hey" or "Hi" as the first message. Which is ironic considering this is something they dislike receiving. Not much effort into the messages regarding having read my profile, why we would be a good match, similar interests etc.
But you know what? I don't care. I still engage. However, I'm not receiving hundreds or more messages every day. It's a very different experience for the men and women. Filters sound like a good idea so the women can decide if they want to have a conversation with someone they like. I'm not in a position where I need them.
I wonder if the women who say hi, and the women who say "don't just say hi" are different women.
Although I'm not saying that hypocrisy is out of the question. "
In my experiences, they are mostly the same women. Other people may have different experiences. |
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I wish filters were more selective. I don't want to block all men, I have every other filter on to stop people outside of my age range or those with no photos etc, but I would like to be able to block people who are outside of a certain distance for example. And I wish the verification on here was better too.
So much of this site just needs updating. |
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"The majority of women who have messaged me have sent "Hey" or "Hi" as the first message. Which is ironic considering this is something they dislike receiving. Not much effort into the messages regarding having read my profile, why we would be a good match, similar interests etc.
But you know what? I don't care. I still engage. However, I'm not receiving hundreds or more messages every day. It's a very different experience for the men and women. Filters sound like a good idea so the women can decide if they want to have a conversation with someone they like. I'm not in a position where I need them.
I wonder if the women who say hi, and the women who say "don't just say hi" are different women.
Although I'm not saying that hypocrisy is out of the question.
In my experiences, they are mostly the same women. Other people may have different experiences."
Fair enough. That's poor on their part. |
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"I wish filters were more selective. I don't want to block all men, I have every other filter on to stop people outside of my age range or those with no photos etc, but I would like to be able to block people who are outside of a certain distance for example. And I wish the verification on here was better too.
So much of this site just needs updating."
Yes. I'd really like to be able to allow some men to message without the absolute fucking onslaught. (Like you, I'd probably do my location plus x miles. Like I'm sorry dude in Jersey or Cork or Unst, but... Gotta draw a freaking line somewhere, and the further away you are, the less appealing you are as a prospect) |
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It gives me a lovely warm feeling to get a proper message from a woman and on the rare occasion it happens some really lovely conversations have followed.
Sadly the older l get the greater the rarity!!
Crude or nonsensical messages just get deleted. |
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"The majority of women who have messaged me have sent "Hey" or "Hi" as the first message. Which is ironic considering this is something they dislike receiving. Not much effort into the messages regarding having read my profile, why we would be a good match, similar interests etc.
But you know what? I don't care. I still engage. However, I'm not receiving hundreds or more messages every day. It's a very different experience for the men and women. Filters sound like a good idea so the women can decide if they want to have a conversation with someone they like. I'm not in a position where I need them.
I wonder if the women who say hi, and the women who say "don't just say hi" are different women.
Although I'm not saying that hypocrisy is out of the question.
In my experiences, they are mostly the same women. Other people may have different experiences."
Hi 👋 |
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By *essTTWoman 3 weeks ago
Birmingham |
"The general feeling on fab and dating apps is men are primary chasers so they always message first and women do the picking. Men are typically more hornier too so this makes sense they message first.
Men.. do you like women who message first? Or do you prefer to make the first move? Women do you message guys first on here to much success?
I’d like to start messaging guys first but always too nervous to as a TS, but what I do love about fab in that regard is how their profile states if they’re interested in you before messaging. I might start messaging guys first now "
I think women should do what they like.
I message first if I see someone that tickles my fancy
Some women don't want to, they shouldn't have to change how they use the site to appease others |
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"The majority of women who have messaged me have sent "Hey" or "Hi" as the first message. Which is ironic considering this is something they dislike receiving. Not much effort into the messages regarding having read my profile, why we would be a good match, similar interests etc.
But you know what? I don't care. I still engage. However, I'm not receiving hundreds or more messages every day. It's a very different experience for the men and women. Filters sound like a good idea so the women can decide if they want to have a conversation with someone they like. I'm not in a position where I need them.
I wonder if the women who say hi, and the women who say "don't just say hi" are different women.
Although I'm not saying that hypocrisy is out of the question.
In my experiences, they are mostly the same women. Other people may have different experiences.
Hi 👋"
That's not fair. You already know I fancy you 😜 and hi 👋🏾 how are you? |
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By *WB85Man 3 weeks ago
Staffordshire |
"I'd message first more if there were more men I found attractive
Ohhft..... shots fired 🤣
But this is the difference isn't it.
Women only message those they are interested in.
Men message anyone in a 20mile radius
"
I think it actually a much larger radius. |
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I don't think women "should" message first more often.
I don't think it would change the amount of women in my inbox.
Besides, the ones that do message first either say "hi" or show the tell-tale signs of actually being a man 😂 |
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By *rishCWoman 3 weeks ago
Cavan |
If I see someone that catches my eye, then yes I'll message first, but that's usually because I've seen them on the forums or chatrooms. Tbh most women's inbox are so full that they don't get a chance to check out guys. I have no issue doing it though, sure isn't that what this site is all about. |
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By *iver78Man 3 weeks ago
barton upon humber |
"Think the comment about bumble is spot on , this site is a women's world and then people can't moan about being bombarded with messages
But I'm pretty sure a lot of women love the attention and get a ego boost by posting the fact they have sooooo many
I may be wrong , I usually am lol.
Everyone on here wants the attention.
Why people post pictures. I take my filters off when I need an ego boost. "
I fully agree but why do they then moan about ?? Haha , thats the bit I get confused with |
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"Think the comment about bumble is spot on , this site is a women's world and then people can't moan about being bombarded with messages
But I'm pretty sure a lot of women love the attention and get a ego boost by posting the fact they have sooooo many
I may be wrong , I usually am lol.
Everyone on here wants the attention.
Why people post pictures. I take my filters off when I need an ego boost.
I fully agree but why do they then moan about ?? Haha , thats the bit I get confused with "
I complained about messages because they were terrible. (Past tense because my filters are closed to almost everyone)
Yes, it's great to get umpteen messages. Except when at least half of them make you feel like a piece of meat. |
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My filters live pretty much permanently on. If a profile catches my eye, I'll send a wink, this means my filters can be circumnavigated if they wish to send a message.
Of course it does rely on them checking/seeing the wink but if it doesn't illicit a response I've not lost anything and won't stress over it.
It might mean I miss out on someone not on my radar I guess but it largely works for me.
I have previously sent first messages but tbh I'm not good at working out what to say so it's better all round that I don't  |
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I feel like with men mostly always sending the first message, women don't really need to do the same. I have had women send the first message which has been great to see as I've had some brilliant conversations and meets as a result of it.
I get some women may not like being knocked back and the confidence hit it can have so I have it on my profile to wink if they're interested. That way I know there's interest there and if I send the first message, I'll more likely get a reply. |
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"I've never sent the first message "
Be bold, take the plunge, what's the worst that can happen?
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(Probably best not to answer that, your first message will probably be to some Charles Manson character!)  |
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I like to hear from women first. We aren't mind readers, it's nice to know there is some interest out there.
When I message I'm quite selective. With women recieving many messages, I don't see the point of messaging first. Many appear to bulk delete, so the odds are naturally against us men recieving any sort of reply.
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"The general feeling on fab and dating apps is men are primary chasers so they always message first and women do the picking. Men are typically more hornier too so this makes sense they message first.
Men.. do you like women who message first? Or do you prefer to make the first move? Women do you message guys first on here to much success?
I’d like to start messaging guys first but always too nervous to as a TS, but what I do love about fab in that regard is how their profile states if they’re interested in you before messaging. I might start messaging guys first now "
I message those I find maybe compatible. They can either ignore or reply Either works and doesn’t really matter to how you function I find. Fab is attrition based |
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